DEAR SUSAN: I'm 34, divorced and want to marry again. I've been in a relationship two years, but our time together is limited by our careers, my night school and the 40 miles between us. When we're together, we usually fight. She doesn't want to make a commitment until I finish school in two years. But at that point, we may still be unable to commit. — Clark C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CLARK: Let's hope so. The gulf between you two is much more than mere miles. (Forty miles wouldn't keep you from each other if harmonious love ruled the relationship.) Be thankful, Clark, for this breathing space between visits. Use it to figure out just what is wrong with the relationship. It sounds like an ongoing mismatch that won't get better. (Indeed, such things only become harder to ignore.) Unless you want commitment at any price, this is a doomed relationship. And even then, she may well back out at the last minute. You want permanence; she wants freedom. It's time for an honest dialogue. Take a timeout, both of you. See what feelings bubble up during the pause. My sense is you'll both feel relieved and refreshed. It's a mismatch.

COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT. We none of us feels comfortable speaking up in dissent. And chronic complainers aren't welcome at any party. But there are times it's absolute necessity to speak up, and that's what this exercise is about. Women especially need practice, but men can learn a few things too.

For openers, make sure your complaint is valid, not invented. (In this less-than-perfect world, it shouldn't be too long before you find the real thing.) When the dry cleaner returns your favorite suit with two buttons missing, fight the urge to say nothing or to raise your voice stridently. You'll get more satisfaction using the "steel fist in a velvet glove" approach: outwardly gentle but insistent, inwardly immovable. Don't walk away from the dialogue until you have written assurance of comparable replacement or payment for a full set of buttons of similar value.

Make sure you complain to the right person; if the counter clerk isn't in charge, ask to speak to the manager. State your case clearly and concisely. Don't be distracted into complaining about small things; repeat your primary complaint until you're fully satisfied. The power of complaining, like any power, must never be abused. The more effective you are, the more responsibility to be considerate. You'll discover that being effective makes life easier. People will treat you with more respect and in time give you less reason to complain.

DEAR SUSAN: Since my divorce more than a year ago, I've forgotten how to date. It seems that 13 years of marriage sort of left my dating skills rusty. Whenever I try to get a date or ask a lady out, I can never think of anything to do or anywhere to go. Any tips, hints or suggestions? — Jake G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR JAKE: Think of this stage as postgraduate studies, an education in people and the world — and yourself. You're not the same person you were when you married, so why not use this time to discover the new person who inhabits your body? Don't delete dating altogether; just take your foot off the gas and make your way into the rest of life. Check out groups doing things you enjoy — a way to find compatible people and good conversation. The setting isn't a "singles" anything, so you can relax and be yourself. You won't need dating skills there, just plain enthusiasm to share. Try that game plan for a while, and my hunch is you won't go back to that stale "dating" thing.

WORDS WORTH QUOTING: "The real trick is not in acquiring a greater fortune, more prestige or more power, but in finding your gift and putting it to use. What's special about you? What is the unique combination of traits and attitudes and abilities you have that never before in history has appeared on the face of the earth? You won't find this gift outside of yourself, but in your own activities. What can you comfortably do? What do you like to do? What do you do well? What do others think you do well?

"If you sleep eight hours and work eight hours each day, you still have more than seventy hours of free time each week left to pursue your objectives. That equals 3,640 hours a year." (For the life of me, I can't remember who said that, but it makes perfect sense.)

Munch on that awhile.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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