DEAR SUSAN: Regarding the woman who still loves the man who broke up with her, I don't understand your advice. You said she cares too much to try being just friends with him, but you always say friendship is based on caring. If I were in her position, I'd care too much NOT to try being friends with him. A good friend is too valuable to lose. — Tori S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR TORI: This is one of those Yes, But answers. Yes, for sure good friends are precious gems, valuable and often irreplaceable. But (here's the follow-up) in this situation, the feelings are too lopsided (she loves romantically, but he clearly doesn't) to form a friendship. That is the classic prescription for pain, the sort of hurt that invades the psyche and takes over, quashing the spirit and clouding the mind to the wonders of life. This is an imbalance with huge potential for melancholy. And unless the reader in question has a thing for self-flagellation, she'll do all she can to put the relationship in the past. Yes, she can and should learn from it — where she went wrong, why he's wrong for her, what part of the experience is her responsibility. And then, be done with it. Case closed. Time to plan a trip, host a brunch for friends and their friends. But definitely not the man in question, if you please. Let's keep things hopeful. If you get my drift. …

DYNAMITE QUESTION. This is the very first question I planned to ask in my survey. The research was originally for a book on single sexuality. It never happened. But all this good stuff stayed with me, used in another book, bringing me closer and closer to readers of "Single File." Part of that goodness is, of course, the open access given to me — a plumb line into hearts and minds that affirms our mutual trust.

Q: Why Do You Have Sex?

Think about it. Then send me — unsigned if you prefer — your response, which without doubt will include your thoughts, reactions and comments. All of them are most welcome, as you know by now. And will be shared.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm reading the letter from the single mom looking for a father (for her kids) and a husband. Do you think most single mothers are looking for a father figure for their kids instead of a mate, lover and best friend for themselves?

I'm 31, never married and have hesitated to date single mothers because I don't want to be just a dad for someone else's kids. — Wes W., Rock Island, Ill.

DEAR WES: You know what, Wes? Do all of us — particularly the single moms in your vicinity — a huge favor and stay away. Miles and miles away. With your attitude toward their children, you'd be a miserable failure. A major flop. And you don't need that. More importantly (much), they don't need that! They've already had their home lives rearranged; a second trauma is unthinkable. As a single mom (a young widow), I promised my son, Scott, that he'd like the man who came into our lives in a serious way — a promise that gave him a role in his own future. For in a way, single motherhood comes with a spiritual role, keeping the family together and afloat for the good of all concerned. My emotions are kicking in right now, Wes, so I'll keep this brief. You need an attitude adjustment, and you need it badly. You need to rethink the sacred trust that children are, all children, regardless of their genes. You need to realize that the woman who shares her children with you is giving you the highest form of love — way beyond romantic love. Think this over, Wes, and think it over and over again until it finally penetrates your being that a package deal could be the noblest transaction of your life.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.