DEAR SUSAN: I've dated a doctor a few times, and I think he's special. But more than once, he's said he wants a "nonserious" relationship because he's not ready to get too involved. (He's 39 and never has been married.) I have a 6-year-old daughter but also never have married. I'd like a commitment that leads to marriage and more children. Should I take him at his word and stop seeing him, or should I date him casually? — Anabella S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ANABELLA: If ever there were a time to believe words, this is it. This special man, eligible and marriageable, is doing you a huge favor by telling you his life plan. Don't for one moment imagine you'll be the one to change it. There are women who see this sort of announcement as a challenge. Their knight has thrown down the gauntlet, daring them to accept the challenge and return it in kind. They are women left by the side of the road after they've invested years (sometimes many years), watching their prey ride off into the sunset with some nubile damsel to start a family and begin a life he's been denying for years. You've been warned, dear one, duly warned. After that, it's up to you to do the right thing, which in this case is to EXIT. FLEE. BREAK ALL TIES WITH HIM. FOREVER. (As for casual dating, in this scenario, there's no such thing. The minute you're with him, the heat rises and you're lost.) SCRAM. VAMOOSE. BEGONE. How else can I say it? Your motherhood may well be his protection policy against marriage. Don't stay around and be tortured with what might have been but cannot ever be. Once more, into the breech: TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD AND GET OUT.

SLEEPING GIANT: There is within each of us potential to be more than we are, a sleeping giant. At times we may get a glimpse of it, but in the rush of lives, our attention is distracted, and he resumes his slumber. What is it, this thing we call potential? It is our singleness, that individuality we all possess, that part of us that stands on its own and has a voice of its own. It has nothing to do with marital status. But it is easier to express during single spaces, when we're in more control of our time and resources, and the glimpse of it is clearer indeed. Freed of some roles and responsibilities, we're able to give voice to our own true self. That self needs expression for us to be complete, so it's not frivolous to bring it out into the daylight.

Waking our sleeping giant is part of the art of living single, and indeed it is an art. It can be taught, transmitted to others, shared and improved. Brought up to today's needs, it is pliable and malleable and adaptable to changing times. A while ago, I was an assistant professor at The New School, in New York City, where I taught my original curriculum, "The Art of Living Single." One of its fundamentals is recognizing and releasing that sleeping giant. Is yours alert and awake?

DEAR SUSAN: Commenting on Ryan's letter about romantic love, I add my own experience. I dated many, many women and never gave any thought to marriage. But when one of the women I was seeing went on a three-month European vacation with some girlfriends, I realized SHE was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. On the day she returned, I proposed. We've been married almost 50 years now, and that feeling is still with me. — Jim G., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR JIM: Hmm. Can't help but wonder whether your wife was thinking proposal when she booked the trip. Maybe you needed prolonged absence to make you realize the value of what you were missing. Anyway, it all turned out well, and two lives were lived in marital love. Sounds like lifelong romance to me. Here's to another 50!

SINGLE FILE TIP: Be careful not to spend all your time looking for love and overlook the opportunity to create love. It's not romantic love, but it is a form of love that's so missing from the world today. And the great thing about it is that you can make it happen all on your own! Be conscious of smiling, being upbeat and optimistic to friends and people you work with. Give of yourself in small ways; make efforts to help; be kind; and nurture instead of being critical. You can create a circle of love around you. On your own, by yourself. And watch how it builds into a tsunami of lovingness. Start today. And tell us about it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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