A mom going out shopping leaves a note for her teenage son: "Please make sure the door is fast, then dust the tables and trim the Christmas tree." She returns to find the door hinges glistening with oil, the tables covered with thicker dust and the tree pruned to half its original size.

Ah, the paradoxes of English! Even the simplest words can have two opposite meanings. "Fast" can mean "not moving" (stand fast) or "moving rapidly"; "dust" can mean "remove dust" or "place dust on" (dust crops); "trim" can mean "decorate" or "reduce in size."

Linguist Richard Lederer calls such words "contranyms." Investment guru John Train calls them "antilogies." I call them fun.

See how many contradictory words and phrases you can find in this ambiguous "recommendation":

When considering top managers, I always throw out the name Jekyll N. Hyde. In fact, I can't be too lavish with my praise for him. A qualified expert and a wicked boss, he bags the best executives and continuously overlooks the details of his office. An apparent go-getter, he tables the best ideas at meetings and finishes every project. When an employee asks for something, he lets him have it. His career with our company is just winding up.

Now look for two-faced words in this senator's "tribute" to another nation:

Esteemed colleagues, we should sanction the nation of Ambigua for these actions.

When it comes to supporting our policies, Ambigua is critical. Ambiguans have fought with us in several wars, and this experience has tempered their resolve to help us. They have backed us consistently, if not valiantly. Ambiguans have cleaved our allies and buckled our alliances. Their loyalty is a moot issue, and their ethics are untouchable.

Contranyms and Antilogies:

First paragraph: throw out (propose/discard); can't be too lavish (is/is not praising him lavishly); qualified (competent/dubious); wicked (great/evil); bags (hires/fires); overlooks (watches over/fails to watch over); apparent (obvious/seeming); tables (proposes/rejects); finishes (completes/destroys): lets him have it (gives it to him/yells at him); winding up (getting started/ending).

Second paragraph: sanction (approve/condemn); critical (vital/disapproving); fought with us (alongside us/against us); tempered (strengthened/reduced); if not valiantly (they backed us valiantly/not valiantly); cleaved (brought together/split); buckled (secured/crumpled); moot (not debatable/debatable); untouchable (above reproach/abhorrent).

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to Wordguy@aol.com or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Rob Kyff and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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