Toodle-oo by Matthew Margolis on Creators.com

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Portrait of a marriage in crisis:

"Toodle is a sweet and loving dog that we adopted from the SPCA when he was very young. He's infatuated with my wife, who spoils the heck out of him. But he has one major problem: barking.

"He barks when he hears other dogs bark. He barks at the music in 'Law and Order.' He barks at commercials and TV programs that include a bell, ring tone or elevator ding, as well as Vonage commercials and certain music bridges that are a part of KCRA Channel 3 news programming. He barks in the middle of the night — sometimes at nothing! He'll go off at 1, 2, 3 in the morning.

"I've moved out of the bedroom. My wife will do nothing about it. She screams at him to shut up, which only causes more disturbing noise that accomplishes nothing. She seldom if ever insists Toodle sleep in his condo, which we keep in the living room. Instead, Toodle sleeps with us in the bed every night, which I'm not necessarily in favor of all the time.

"When my wife goes to work, he quiets down — still barks, but not as much. The only solution we've tried is putting him in his dog cage, which we keep inside the house. That pretty much calms him down. Toodle is a very smart dog — or could be with some proper training. And my wife would love him even more if he were responsive to our commands.

"One other thing: When we have guests over, he has a humping problem when they first arrive. After he's been disciplined he stops ... but we still have to watch him."

By and large, people don't realize until it's too late what their actions say.

Wife's actions: "I prefer the dog."

Husband's actions: "I'll be in the guest room if anyone cares."

Dog's actions: "Call me boss or don't call me at all."

While Toodle clearly needs training, it's also true that a little marriage counseling might be in order: Hubby's moved out of the bedroom.

His wife would rather sleep with a dog that won't shut up. They can only watch TV on mute. Meanwhile, Toodle has his choice of sleeping quarters that includes a luxury condo in the living room or the side of the bed formerly occupied by hubby!

Pardon my exasperation.

The recipe for turning this mess into something they can all swallow: a pound of marriage counseling, a dollop of training and a sprinkling of rules, priorities and boundaries.

Toodle should be spending nights in his condo, starting yesterday. Fill it with soft blankets and favorite chew toys and teach him to retreat to it on command. If he resists, stand firm. Toodle's condo isn't a prison or a punishment, but he doesn't get a say in when and whether to retire.

Other changes this couple could easily and immediately implement to curb Toodle's problem behaviors:

— When home, use a baby gate to confine Toodle in an area of the house where he can be seen and quickly reached to correct problem behaviors — i.e., using a shake can or squirt bottle to startle him out of a barking spell — rather than yelling "shut up," which translates to "bark louder" in Toodle's world.

— When not home, leave Toodle in a comfortable crate with good visibility or confine him to a small area of the house. This is a necessary element of training and will help to establish an appropriate hierarchy and keep him safe.

Basic dog training could transform this household. And it sure beats saying toodle-oo to the marriage. But I'll leave that bit to Dr. Phil.

Woof!

Dog trainer Matthew "Uncle Matty" Margolis is co-author of 18 books about dogs, a behaviorist, a popular radio and television guest, and host of the PBS series "WOOF! It's a Dog's Life!" Read all of Uncle Matty's columns at the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com, and visit him at www.unclematty.com. Send your questions to dearuncle.gazette@unclematty.com or by mail to Uncle Matty at P.O. Box 3300, Diamond Springs, CA 95619.