The service warranty said to contact 1-800-Winechil: "You have reached Winechil's consumer help line. In order to better serve you, please have your proof of purchase, model and serial number ready. Please hold the line for our next available representative. This call may be monitored to best serve you."

Twelve months ago, I purchased a wine refrigerator. The compressor and one of the three-evaporator fans stopped working. The refrigerator was still under an 18-month warranty.

Each time I dialed 1-800-Winechil a digitized voice answered. I became a POP (prisoner of phone). I pleaded with the digitized female voice to release me over to a live voice — she turned a deaf ear. Her voice grew colder by the minute as she repeated, "Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us."

If I had 10 minutes left to live, I want to live it on the phone after being placed on hold — because it would be the longest 10 minutes of my life!

Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 played while I waited — terse repeated notes in attention-arresting fortissimo. Try getting that melody-worm out of your head. Beethoven was into his third movement repeat when a man's digitized voice said: "Thank you for holding. All of our lines are busy at the moment. Please hold the line, and one of our first available operators will be with you in a moment." Did she think a man's voice would calm me?

Maybe this was payback for all the times I had snapped at 411 operators for not knowing the correct spelling or the nearest Domino's Pizza. After being on hold for over 45 minutes, I heard another digitized woman's voice say, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again." Was she mocking me?

Minutes grew into days. When I wasn't on hold, I hummed Beethoven's 5th while I showered, shaved my legs, grocery shopped, carpooled kids around and wrote this column.

"Hello," the woman on the other end of the phone said.

"Finally. A live … "

"Please hold the line for our next available representative."

Ahhh … Momma needs her juice!

By the end of the week, I had named my digital friends Betty and Bob. "Hey, Betty. How are you doing today? Sure, I'll hold."

A few minutes later, digital Bob came on the line and said, "Thank you for holding."

"No problem, Bob. I have plenty of things I can do while I wait."

I mopped the floors, unloaded the dishwasher, made the beds and cleaned bathrooms. I did six loads of laundry, mowed the lawn and took an online language course in Spanish: Deseo hablar a una voz viva, por favor.

"Hello, this is Brenda, how may I help you?"

"Huh. What? Am I speaking to a live voice?"

"Yes. How can I help you?"

I unleashed a week of frustrations on Brenda. She apologized and said there were only four women answering the phones. I pictured a boiler room with four women painting their toenails and reading Danielle Steele, Male magazine and Cosmo. "Do you have the model and serial number of the unit?" she asked.

"Sí. I mean yes."

"Begin by giving me the serial number first, then the model number, please."

"What did you just say?"

"Begin by giving me the serial number first, then the model number, please."

Wait a minute. I'd recognize that voice if I heard it behind a pillar in a dark underground parking garage. "Betty?" Is that you?"

"There's no one here by that name."

"Yeah, right."

Brenda, if that's her real name, said she would have to check with her manager on whether the company would repair or replace the wine refrigerator. She said she would get back to me later that day.

"Can't you just put me on hold and let me speak to Betty or Bob?"

I phoned Winechil the next day when I hadn't heard back from Brenda.

"You have reached Winechil's consumer help line. In order to better serve you, please have your proof of purchase, model and serial number ready. Please hold the line for our next available representative. This call may be monitored to best serve you."

"Noooooooo!"

"We look forward to talking with you soon."

"Bob is that you? Please, I beg of you, put Brenda on the line.

***

Eventually, I spoke with a live voice and received a new wine refrigerator. Cheers!

To find out more about Mimi Kopulos and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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