Dear John: My husband and I had our fourth child a few months ago. Of the all children, this was the only one that was planned in advance (although they are all well-loved)! Yet, since the birth, my husband has not responded well at all towards the baby. He often rolls his eyes when I ask for some help (for example, when I ask him to feed the baby a bottle so that I can get something done). He just doesn't seem to bond with the baby like he did with the others. I understand that forming a relationship with a new baby does not always come easily, or instantly, and that the process is often different for men than women.

But it is very difficult to feel as if my husband is rejecting our baby! When he didn't seem to bond during the pregnancy, his excuse was he just wasn't one to get excited before the birth, and that it would change when the baby came. I believed him, because that is how he was during my other pregnancies. But this lack of participation, almost two months after the baby was born, has been really hard. He dealt better and participated a lot more with our children who had colic and screamed several hours a day! To be quite honest, I find myself considering separation or divorce frequently, as I do not want my son to grow up feeling unloved by his father.

When I tell my husband how I feel, he often apologizes and makes an attempt for a short time (say, the next feeding, he may offer to take the baby). But he quickly resumes the eye rolling, etc. What could be going on, and what can I do about it? -- Another Baby on Board, in Scottsdale, Ariz.

Dear Another Baby on Board: If indeed your goal is to encourage a bond between them, then your solution -- to divorce your husband and take your children away from him -- will not accomplish this.

The issue is not whether or not your husband has an interest in your youngest child. The true issue is that you are feeling overwhelmed, and he is not helping out during these periods of stress. What you need from him is intimacy, companionship and cooperation. The message you should be giving him is what you need from him. Be direct and specific in your request. For example, say, "Honey, I have to run to the grocery store. I can be back quickly if you watch the baby while I'm gone." If he hesitates at your request, repeat, "I'm sure you want me back at soon as possible. It is easier to shop without the children."

You should also be open in requesting time for yourself, and time for just the two of you. If he feels that time off for you means no time off for him, pull out your calendars and plan an itinerary that works for both of you. If he can't pitch in, then feel free to find a babysitter. After all, your emotional and physical well-being is important not only to you, but to him and your children as well.

Don't focus so much on what your husband is or isn't doing for your child. Focus instead on what your husband is doing for you. Whatever you do, don't criticize his perceived lack of interest in the child. This will put him on the defensive and may affect his view of their relationship in the long run. Additionally, if a child ever feels that he or she has come between parents, the child may internalize his or her guilt over this. Children demonstrate their pain by acting out in anger, sadness or depression. Instead, what your child should always feel is unconditional love.

Dear John: My fiance and I have been together for nearly three years.

Nearly everything is wonderful, except I found out recently "Brad" isn't all that turned on by kissing. This isn't about bad breath either, because we've discussed that. He says he never has been with anyone. I felt his kisses were a bit reserved, but I thought over time they would become more passionate as we got closer and closer in our relationship. When that didn't happen, I started telling him what I wanted and asking him why he wouldn't kiss me passionately. I get little pecks from him, but nothing hot. As a result, we don't ever make out like just a couple of teens, something that I really miss from past relationships.

I have even tried gently suggesting ways we could improve our kissing. He tries for a little while, but then he goes back to his old ways of short, little pecks that leave me, well, rather uninspired. Lately, I've been fantasizing about kissing other men because I miss it so much. I don't fantasize about people I know, so I think about celebrities instead, or I make up a phantom guy in my mind because it's something safe. But now, I'm getting worried I might act on my fantasies. I love Brad, but I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore. And I don't want to do something stupid that will jeopardize our love for each other. How do I talk to him about this, when he seems like such an unwilling partner? And if everything else in our relationship is really good, am I making too much of this one thing that's missing? -- Kissable, in Kissimmee, Fla.

Dear Kissable: As long as you don't act on your fantasies, you won't jeopardize your relationship. Consider this: Many men emulate their role models. It is possible that in the home your fiance was raised, his parents were not demonstrative in their affections for each other or their children. From what you described, I'd say you're on the right track. To show him that your passion play can be innovative, fun and exciting for him, play a "mirror game," in which he mirrors what you do to him. Try to engage all of his senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing and seeing. Be playful with your tongue and respond when he is playful with his own. By introducing him to new ways of kissing, you'll see that it's never too late to teach an old dog a few new tricks.

"He Rules"

Women, if you presume you have the upper hand, think again. In a survey of 2,169 women, 50 percent of women feel they have equal footing in the bedroom, but another 20 percent say their guy dominates their lovemaking, as opposed to 17 percent who say it's the other way around. The final 13 percent have their fiefdom -- only it happens to be the kitchen.

Full results are shown below. To take part in this week's Mars Venus/Redbook poll, log on to: www.redbookmag.com

Are you a dominatrix?

We both rule in bed.         50 percent

No, he rules in bed.             20 percent

Yes, in the bedroom.         17 percent

Only in the kitchen.             13 percent

Total Count:                 2,169

NOTE: Poll results are not scientific and reflect only the opinions of those users who choose to participate.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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