Dear John: My ex and I broke up about two years ago. He is the father of my son. Well, recently I started seeing him again, although we haven't told our child, let alone any of our relatives. The reason: He's now engaged to someone else.

When I found out, I gathered my nerve and let him know that I was still in love with him. I know I should not have interfered in their relationship, but I felt that I had to tell him in case there was still a chance for us. And it turns out, he does feel the same way. That happened over three weeks ago. Since then, he has been telling me that he is still in love with me. We have stayed close by both e-mail and phone. A week ago, he stated that he could no longer hide the truth from the woman he is now with that he is still in love with me. At the same time, he hasn't said that he is going to leave her now, but he wants me to "just be patient." I do believe that, in his heart, he does want to be with me. I really would like to make this work. Not just for our child, but for us, for what we shared and still share. Yet, I don't know if I can hold on. Should I? — Let's Do This, in Richmond, Va.

Dear Let's Do This: While this is certainly not the case in the majority of separations, many couples go their separate ways then later realize that absence truly can make the heart grow fonder. That said, instead of "holding on" to the hope that he may once again consider you as a partner, why not work toward creating a strong sense of personal independence, with or without him?

Right now, he is entangled in another relationship. Even if you do come back together, unless you are willing to acknowledge and accept the issues that created your problems previously, you may well return to the same situation that led to your separation in the first place. My recommendation: Keep seeing others until he follows through with his promise to move out. Then, if and when that time comes, you'll know what you want, and what to ask for in return.

Dear John: My boyfriend, "Brad," just moved in with me. We each have a child from a previous relationship, and we don't necessarily want other children. However, the other day we were discussing the issue of what we would do if I accidentally got pregnant. Brad said we would want me to end the pregnancy. When I told him that an abortion is against my beliefs he said that he would make me, even if he had to punch me in the stomach! It really bothered me that he was willing to go that far to prevent having another child, and I've been uneasy about our relationship ever since. Brad insists he meant what he said, and he doesn't know if he'll ever change his mind and he wants to be honest with me. Now I feel that if a mistake were to happen that I will not be able to talk to him about it for fear of him doing something stupid. Am I overreacting? — Freaked Out, in Austin, Texas

Dear Freaked Out: What Brad said was truly awful, regardless of his position on abortion. If, for a moment, you seriously believed that he was capable of that degree of violence against you, it is already past the time that you ask him to pack up and move on.

Putting his outrageous comment aside, and assuming that he was trying to convey his feeling that he adamantly opposes fathering another child, you both need to realize that you do have a fundamental difference on this issue. Of course, you each have the right to your opinions. Yet, even if your intention was to raise the child on your own, Brad would have a legal and financial responsibility to the child. If you're looking for long-term compatibility, I suggest you find someone more in line with your own beliefs.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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