Dear John: I have been married to "Larry" for almost nine years. I always think I must love him a lot (or I think sometimes that I am just a big idiot), because I've stood beside him throughout our marriage, despite the fact that he struggles with alcohol and sometimes drugs, too. I cringe when he comes home from work when I know he has had a "few" drinks. I worry all the time about the drinking and driving, and what could happen if the worst did happen. He never seems to understand why I worry so much. This makes me so mad that I could just hit him! In fact I have hit him once. I even made him leave one time. Still, I don't ever want to lose him because we have two children and I don't want them to grow up without their daddy. On the other hand, our kids are 7 and 5 years old, and they are picking up on things now, too. I don't think it is healthy for us to live like this. I hate to see them lose their respect for their daddy. I get so torn up, and I don't know what is the right thing to do. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, but this is awful. He can't help it. Although Larry has been through rehab twice, he can't change. Yet, I love him still. Am I totally nuts, or should I hang in for his better side? — Worried Wife, in Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Worried Wife: Unfortunately, children learn by the behavior witnessed in others, particularly that of their parents. If your children see that alcoholism is an acceptable form of behavior, they will anticipate this kind of support for themselves — and find out the hard way that they cannot get it. This is one of the ways that alcoholism becomes a vicious cycle, affecting generation after generation.

Also, if they realize your desperation within this relationship, they will eventually resent their father for what he is doing to you. In other words, you won't be able to hide it from them. If you or your husband want your children's respect, both of you need to make some important choices: His choice is whether he keeps drugs and alcohol as his emotional and physical crutch. While alcoholism is a difficult addiction to control, it can be done, although it doesn't happen overnight. The decision to stay away from drink is taken one day at a time. Still, there are many success stories out there. If he chooses to recognize his illness and seek treatment and support, he should do so now. His self-respect, your love and respect, and the love and respect of his children depend on this.

You also have a choice: You can stay with him and accept his decision to keep the status quo. However, eventually you will come to resent him for supporting his habit instead of you and your family. You'll also resent yourself for doing so. Or, you can choose to separate from him until he demonstrates an honest desire to meet any and all the conditions you feel necessary to stay in the relationship, including the elimination of alcohol in his life. He can start by checking into Alcoholics Anonymous. This organization's website is: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

If Larry can't agree to drop alcohol from his life, let him know you accept his decision, but that you've made a decision as well, to put your needs and that of your children first. You, too, might need support during these trying times. Check out Al-Anon, which lends emotional guidance to spouses and families of alcoholics: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

By making your choice, you free yourself — and your family — to live the lives you deserve.

Dear John: I have been dating "Randy" for two years. He's 36 and I'm 31. Randy has never had a serious relationship before. He's still really into himself. He refuses to give me a commitment. Despite this, I love the guy. He wants to be free to come and go as he pleases, yet he hasn't dated anyone but me. He also doesn't like sex. While we do have sex occasionally, he never has an orgasm with me, although he can by himself. Sex lasts five minutes, and he dreads doing it. What should I do? — Turned On, in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Turned On: As this is his first "serious" relationship, all of those things we learn by being with others may benefit his next relationship, but not his current partnership with you. If you want a committed relationship, you need to recognize that you're not going to get what you want here with him, and move on. Hopefully, your next guy will appreciate all you have to offer a relationship, and he will not be afraid to commit to you. He may even like sex — and better yet, like sex with you.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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