Dear John: I met this really great guy at this party. We're both in our early 40s. Everything was okay until I offered to get him a drink, since I was headed to the bar, anyway. He said no, then told me that he was once involved with an alcoholic. I had one drink anyway. After all, I was on vacation. The next day, we met again to see the sites. Our conversations were wonderful: deep, funny, insightful. That afternoon, I had a couple of drinks to relax. He noticed, and asked me about it. I didn't lie. We hit it off great, and at the end of the night he was wrapped up in my arms, smiling, but was always a perfect gentleman. To make a long story short, he didn't call me the next day, or the next week. Finally, I called him, but he says he's not interested in pursuing the relationship. This really shocked me, because I know we got along so beautifully. Seriously, all this because of his past issues with that other woman? How can I make him see my side of it? — Hurt, in Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Hurt: He gave you a message, loud and clear: He'd prefer to be around a woman who doesn't drink. Considering his past experience, this is understandable.

Knowing this, the decision is now yours: If you feel that your feelings are deep enough for a lasting commitment, be the woman he wants. Otherwise, you won't be attractive to him. Then again, if casual drinking is who you are, find someone who doesn't mind. Otherwise, you'll resent him for this criterion, and that wouldn't be fair to either of you.

Dear John: Recently my friend, Alesia, lost her husband in a tragic accident. Since then, Alesia has been chasing everyone else's husbands, lying and causing fights. I know she's in pain, but she talks as if she is actually trying to catch one of these men. Because she's very pretty, she has most of them wrapped around her finger. How do I handle this? — Holding On to My Mr., in La Grange, Mo.

Dear Holding On: Strong relationships aren't going to crumble because of overt flirting. If these guys are looking for trouble, they'll find it, with or without Alesia. At the same time, Alesia has forgotten that friendships are built on trust, and right now her actions aren't trustworthy. They are a cry for help.

Meet with her alone. Tell her that you love her, as do your other friends, and that everyone realizes that she is in a lot of pain, but that her actions are jeopardizing friendships. Suggest that she consider grief counseling. Be prepared to give her the name of a local support group or counselor. The rest is up to her. If she is ready to move beyond her grief and anger, she now knows she has the love and support of her friends to do so.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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