Dear John: "George" and I have been married for five years. We have two sons. Our problem is George's relationship with his father, "Ed," who was married to his mother for 19 years before they divorced. Ed left my mother-in-law on three separate occasions during their marriage, to move in with another woman and her children. I doubt his mom would have let Ed take George anyway, but nevertheless, he recalls his father not contacting him for many months.

I know George has never recovered from this abandonment. When he is gruff and callous with the children and I, he later admits to childhood memories resurfacing. Although in the past, this big tough guy has broken down and cried about this issue, he feels he is too tough to show his father any emotion. He is hurt, and that, in turn, hurts me. I think he suffers continually from this and always will. What can I do to help? — Sympathetic, in Yreka, Calif.

Dear Sympathetic: Ultimately, the decision to reinitiate contact with his father, or to get counseling in order to begin the process of healing this relationship, is George's to make. In a moment of candor, should he ask for your opinion, you might encourage him to write a "feeling" letter to his father. Such a letter would not necessarily have to be sent, unless he wants to. In reality, this is a vehicle in which he can express his feelings, which may run the gamut from anger at the situation, to sadness over what he feels is missing in his life.

He should end this letter with the love he feels for the recipient, his father.

In facing his pain, he may create a way to move beyond it.

Dear John: What do you think about living together before marriage? My fiance and I have been together for four years. After college, for financial reasons, we immediately moved in together. Now, after three years, we are questioning whether we did the right thing, more him than me. I'm worried that he doesn't want us to spend the rest of our lives together. Help! — Feeling the Chill, in Birmingham, Ala.

Dear Feeling the Chill: When you made the decision to co-habitat with him in the first place, the reason was financial. Unlike you, the arrangement may not have been seen by him as a precursor for a long-term commitment.

Now is the time to clarify your situation. If he honestly admits that he currently views it as a rent-sharing arrangement, then it's time for you to find yourself another roommate: specifically one with whom you have no emotional attachments.

If he indeed loves you and feels he can commit some time in the future, but not today, inform him of your own timetable on the issue of commitment. Do so not by threatening him with a deadline, but with the understanding that this is your plan for assuring your needs are met and with the hope he will join you in this next level of commitment.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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