Dear John: I'm a woman in my late 30s. Unfortunately, my last relationship didn't work out. In hindsight, I'm glad it didn't because we weren't right for each other. But, now I'm concerned because I've been single for over a year and I've not yet found another boyfriend. I'm told I'm very selective and that it is affecting my ability to get to know someone. Do you feel there is anything wrong with being unusually selective? I realize there is no guarantee in relationships, but my more cautious approach could help cut to the chase, right? — Looking for Mr. Right, in Manhattan, N.Y.

Dear Looking: If you feel you already know what you're looking for, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with being picky about whom you date. I would caution you, however, to remember the old adage: "Don't judge a book by its cover." In other words, most of us assume that since we are attracted to someone, this person has the desired character traits — only to later discover our assumption was wrong. At the same time, we may have misjudged others who might have been possible mates.

Instead, consider going on several dates with as many people as possible. Ask questions on the issues that are important to you, and take notice of your dates' actions and reactions in both normal and less-than-desirable circumstances. By doing so, your judgment will be put to better use, and the person you are looking for won't simply pass in and out of your life without you realizing it.

Dear John: I'm only 16, but I've already found out a lot about the world around me, and I know my feelings.

I'm in a relationship. It's not sexual, but it is intimate in the sense that we have feelings for each other. I don't think that I would do anything sexual, given my age and the consequences. Then again, I also think that people my age do these kinds of things, and my boyfriend might expect them from me. I'm not saying I don't want to do them, but I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things, or even if I want to deal with them now. Is there anything you can do to help me? — On the Brink, in Macon, Ga.

Dear On the Brink: There are two kinds of intimacy — emotional and physical. For a long-lasting, committed relationship, both are needed — as well as a true sense of self, which only comes through years of self-discovery through varied relationships and other life experiences.

Many males will rush into physical intimacy before they establish emotional intimacy with their partners. Many females need emotional intimacy prior to getting physically intimate. No matter who you are and no matter your age, you should never do anything you feel uncomfortable with. True friends understand this. Those that love you would not push you to do anything against your will or your better judgment. Feel comfortable saying, "I love you, but right now, I'd like to wait before getting physically intimate. As my friend, I hope you understand." My guess is that he will.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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