Dear John: How do you get over the fear of commitment? People have said that I am afraid of commitment, but I think that they are wrong. What is love? Is it a choice, or does it just happen with two people? Hope you can help me out; my dating life is a mess and I need some advice! -- This Man Knows His Mind in Boston

Dear This Man: Falling in love is not something you really have control over, but you can make a concerted choice to stay in love. It's natural for us to think that falling in or out of love is permanent. In truth, this is not the case. To stay in a relationship is to constantly rededicate yourself to all the things that created your love in the first place. The fear we have of being in a long-term, committed relationship stems from what we will be missing by not having the freedom to start another relationship. What we gain, however, is the trust and love we can only experience in a relationship that is nurtured over time.

Dear John: My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. He has always enjoyed drinking, but recently it has been much more frequent than ever. He is a very high-powered executive, kind and loving, but has become more controlling and basically doesn't want to communicate about this or anything else. We virtually do not have a sex life, and haven't had one for several years now. Our children have also been concerned about him and his drinking. I am planning on very lovingly, but very firmly, confronting him with this problem. Should I do this alone, or should I have our daughters present so that they can explain how they feel about this situation? -- He Needs Help, in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear He Needs Help: Good idea to confront him. Bad idea, however, to do that with your daughters present. Never involve your kids, regardless of their age, in your personal problems with your spouse. Your job (not theirs) is not to nurture their father, or help him overcome his personal issues.

By introducing the children into the mix, the resolution will become more complex, and his resentment and resistance will increase. If you feel uncomfortable doing this alone, bring in outside professional assistance. Reach out to one of the many programs in your area, or on the Internet for any additional input and support that you need.

"We Agree … "

While there are many things a couple may not agree upon, some issues bring them together. According to a recent Mars Venus/Redbook poll of 1,870 women, 17.6 percent have resolved to quit fighting, whereas 16.2 percent want to lose weight together. Another 15.5 percent are going to save more money. However, 23.6 percent don't have any mutual goals.

The best news of all: A whopping 27 percent want to make love more often.

Full results are shown below. To take part in this week's Mars Venus/Redbook poll, log on to: www.redbookmag.com.

Do you make goals together?

Yes, to save money.            15.5 percent

Yes, to quit fighting.                17.6 percent

Yes, to make love more often.        27 percent

Yes, to lose weight together.        16.2 percent

No, we don't make any.            23.6 percent

TOTAL:                    1,870

NOTE: Because poll percentages are rounded, total values may not work out to 100 percent. Poll results are not scientific and reflect only the opinions of those users who choose to participate.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
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