Dear John: I was in a relationship with "Jerry" for six years. I would have married him, but he never proposed. Well, guess what? He is now engaged to someone else! From the time he ended our relationship two years ago, I have actively tried to get on with my life. I've dated several men. My current relationship with "Eddie" has been going on for almost a year. He wants to marry me, but he is financially irresponsible and immature. He also lies. I know he loves me, but I cannot see myself marrying a man who does not meet his obligations. No one can compare to Jerry. He was always honest and responsible. Am I being too picky? How long does it take to get over another person? -- Still Pining in Detroit

Dear Still Pining: It sounds as if you are still holding on to your ex. One way to let go is to release the idea of how perfect he was, and explore your feelings of anger and betrayal by him. Write your feelings out in a letter. In it, you will express your anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. Then, write out what it is you want in a new partner. This will help you to forgive yourself, and Jerry, and move on. As for Eddie, by the way you've described him, I doubt he is right for you. (Or anyone else, for that matter!)

Dear John: Over a decade ago, I went out with my girlfriends to a bar. I met a guy, who slipped me a mickey, then took me home and raped me. To this day, I have yet to tell anyone; not my parents, friends, or subsequent boyfriends. I was too ashamed, and of course I did not turn him into the police. I couldn't remember the details about what happened that night! After all of this time, do you think I should tell my fiance? If so, how do I broach the topic? -- Victimized, in Richmond, Va.

Dear Victimized: Apparently, after the time the rape occurred, you were too ashamed to seek the support of your loved ones, or thought that they would react badly to the news. Because you have not confided in them since the incident, you feel this issue still stands between you.

I agree with you that you need closure on this, as soon as possible.

If, indeed, you now feel that your fiance can give you the support you seek, by all means, talk to him as soon as possible. He will not judge your actions, or blame you for what happened. He will acknowledge your pain and the wrong that was done to you, and then reassure you he loves you and will support you in this time of need. If you are still not sure of his reaction, please seek professional counseling to reaffirm what you already know: What happened wasn't your fault, and those who love you will continue to do so, regardless of what happened.

"What Women Want"

When it comes to getting what they want, most women ask loud and proud.

According to a recent Mars Venus poll of 2,447 women, only 38 percent will snuggle up to their guy before making a request, while another 6 percent will beg until he gives in. However, a majority -- 56 percent -- just speak their minds.

Full results are shown below. To take part in this week's Mars Venus/Redbook poll, log on to: www.redbookmag.com

What's the best way to get what you want from him?

I snuggle up before asking.            38 percent

I beg until he folds.                6 percent

No games. I tell it like it is.            56 percent

Total votes:                    2,477

NOTE: Because poll percentages are rounded, total values may not work out to 100 percent. Poll results are not scientific and reflect only the opinions of those users who choose to participate.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
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