Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I've always heard that in the long run, a man doesn't value a woman who pursues him nearly as much as he values the woman he is pursuing. (If you have to chase him, he's just not into you. I could have written the film's screenplay!) If he doesn't call you after a date, he's not stuck under a bus; he's not interested. Men may be flattered when women ask them out but will not take them seriously over time because it came too easily. Like a stone versus a diamond. Man or woman, the diamond is worth more because it is harder to acquire. I myself am often told that I'm wrong on this, but I have never had any luck when I call, ask out or pursue a man in any way. Only when I flirt nonchalantly do I have any success. To me, the woman's "job" in starting a relationship is to let the man know she's interested, by smiling and flirting. He then lets her know he's interested by doing the asking/pursuing. And believe it or not, I'm a huge feminist! I believe that men and women are equal — but different. We're wired differently. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: By my readers I am taught; such wisdom tells me my plumb line into the unmarried community is straight and true — but it's still incomplete when it comes to male psychology. Here I am, for so long proclaiming the sexes to be more alike than believed, but this one posting has the ring of truth. It draws me up sharp, not easily done! From my own experience, I have felt the effects of the man-woman hunt; and though it can vary in intensity (depending on the man and his testosterone level), the male of the species has more respect for the hard-won female. A few years back, women were testing that theory; they were the ones phoning for a date, showing up at the front door (often with flowers in hand), arranging the details of the date. This was all in the throes of women's liberation. Why shouldn't we women take the initiative? Wouldn't romance flourish from a turnaround in the first-move department? Men shout it from the rooftops: Come chase me, oh, lovely damsel. But it turned out to be a non-starter. I heard all sorts of complaints about the arrangement. It felt awkward to people.

DEAR SUSAN: What is so hard to understand about someone's not wanting to be single and not settling for less? You haven't answered the question; the person doesn't want to be single. Being "single" encompasses not just marriage but also having a significant other. Those "wonderful people doing interesting things" you write about, do they have a significant other? How do you cope with being single while constantly being reminded of your singleness by seeing happy couples together? I am tired of being alone comfortably. What's so hard to understand? Do you understand the question? Why does one have to be single when one doesn't want to be? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: I do understand being alone, perhaps too well. My husband left life in his 30s, when I was still in my 20s. Our son, Scott, was not quite 5, just about to celebrate with a birthday party. Overnight I became a widow and single mom; neither status found me prepared to go it alone. Overprotected and underdeveloped, I had to learn about myself, my small universe and the larger one in one fell swoop. Little did I dream my aloneness would nurture this column and all the other forays into the unmarried community. All I knew was that I was on a fast track, forced to catch up on virtually everything. For years, I slept in our living room on a pullout sofa. The first few attempts at writing an advice column were written on a borrowed typewriter in the same room, on a table that had to serve many purposes. My son had his own bedroom, with a basketball hoop on his closet door. Coat hooks on the wall were the coat rack. The worst part? The quiet times that came after my son went to sleep. That was icy-cold aloneness. Time to think fearful thoughts. I wasn't alone, true; Scott was in the next room. But in time, he'd grow to have his own life, which is as it should be. But it left me alone, not knowing what the next day would bring. The truth is, dear blogger, we are alone. All of us are walking single file. You can either make a lifestyle out of beating your breast in self-pity or live each day finding ways to help and serve and give something to this world. Yes, I understand aloneness. I know it well.

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