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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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When Lopping it Off is the Best Thing To Do
Dear Margo: I am an adult woman with three older brothers with whom I do not speak. My oldest brother has always treated me like an idiot child with nothing to say. He stopped even acknowledging my birthday nine years ago. My youngest brother only contacts me when he wants me to do him big favors. The middle brother told me three years ago that I am "dead" to him. He eavesdropped on a conversation I had with his now-ex-wife, where he heard me say that if he did what she was alleging, she was right to feel the way she did.
My problem is this: Although my parents say they're staying out of it, they bring up the issue periodically, which shows me it hurts them that their children do not talk. My brothers also rarely, if ever, speak to each other. Our parents are in their 70s, and a recent health scare with Mom has me thinking that when my parents do eventually pass away, I will have no connection with family anymore. I am not sure whether there is anything I can do to end the animosity between siblings, since most contact with them has been met with disdain. Do you have any ideas, or should I just cut my losses? — Only Child in a Family of Six
Dear Only: The word "dysfunctional" comes to mind, but it doesn't do justice to what you say is going on with your brothers. They all sound like losers to me, and you would be doing yourself a favor by realizing that there is nothing wrong with you but plenty wrong with them. It has to be a heartache for your folks that their children are not a loving group of sibs, but that's the way it is. I would give up on your odd brothers, and whether or not this has something to do with how they were raised, I have no way of knowing. You'd think the baby sister would be cherished, but that's not what happened. Try to write this situation off as bum luck, and shore up your parents by telling them one never knows what the future holds. — Margo, forwardly
Living With "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm stumped, so over to you. I'm 36, female, dating a good man (but with plenty of personal space) and in my own home (albeit rented). I'll soon finish a master's in my field after years of hard work.
Here's the problem: I grew up in an alcoholic family. I've been divorced twice and have two teenage boys and an incredible set of coping skills for drama, stress and anxiety. So, how does one learn to cope with peace and no drama?
I pace the house at night wondering when something will go wrong. I dream of breaking up with my boyfriend, because what if he turns into a jerk? I constantly worry my boys will get into trouble at school (they are straight-A students). Now I'm starting to obsess about whether my lease will be renewed in August — after five years here. My friends think I'm insane and tell me to chill. How do you learn new coping skills? Where do you start? Somehow, waiting for something to go wrong seems more stressful than dealing with things in the past that really did go wrong. — Frustrated
Dear Frus: Not to belittle your problem, but I guarantee you there are people reading this who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. That said, I understand what you're saying. You are, indeed, obsessing and not letting the bad times go. I think you can get ahold of this anxiety by taking a page from AA: one day at a time. Make it your mantra. Every day that is peaceful and free of stress, tell yourself this is the new world order. You beat the odds, you prevailed, and you made your life good. Now live with it! — Margo, optimistically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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19 Comments | Post Comment
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"Frustrated" might find Al-Anon useful, since growing up in an alcoholic home can leave children with coping mechanisms that become problematic in adulthood. Good luck!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Gail
Fri Mar 12, 2010 4:10 AM
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I also came from a family and six, and my siblings and I have nothing to do with one another. The problem was the way we were raised. My mother, the martyr, always complained about one of us to the others. "Look what so-and-so did to me" or "He hurt my feelings". This went on from our early childhood to adulthood. We grew up not liking each other. Also, as the first girl with 2 older brothers, my mother always sang my (undeserved) praises and basically disdained them and my younger sister. Now at age 50 I certainly COULD have a relationship with them if I tried, but as I never had a close relationship with them, I don't miss it and feel no need for it. So don't be too quick to blame the brothers. The parents could have treated sissy much better than them, and they haven't gotten over it.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Val
Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:25 AM
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I could trade places with Frusstrated...because I could BE her...
Although the vessel to get there was different, I developed coping mechanisms that have made things difficult in my adult life. Some of these mechanisms I developed as an adult and getting past them is one of the biggest challenges I have faced.
I am in therapy and I absolutely adore my therapist. He challenges my way of thinking every day. He has made me realize that I have developed a life strategy that focuses on survival. It sounds to me like Frustrated has a similar life strategy.
Living in constant fear of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" is a means to always be prepared for the worst. It is a very functional and brilliant life strategy for what it is designed to do. However, when I (and it sounds like Frustrated) decided it was time to form and accept healthy relationships, I found that I would drive everyone away with this strategy.
I am not a doctor or a therapist...but I can tell you what my therapist is teaching me and what has helped me is realizing and accepting that the rest of the world does not perceive everything in such black and white extremes, all or nothing. It means "checking" myself when I begin to have an extreme thought. I think al-anon is great for Frustrated, but if she can go see a therapist I would suggest she do that too. My heart goes out to her...but I think realizing she has to develope new coping mechanism is the first (and the biggest) step to getting her mind healthy for the life she is living now.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Molly B
Fri Mar 12, 2010 6:27 AM
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I don't think "Only Child in Family of Six" should cut her losses. She's 50 years old and should consider taking charge. Everyone is acting childish and it's the perfect opportunity for her to say, "Enough is enough. We're a family, it bothers Mom and Dad that we don't talk, and let's figure out how we can make there last years happy." If that doesn't work, she certainly can throw in the towel, but I think there's a chance some of the brothers might come around.
As for "Frustrated," don't think 'one day at a time," understand that this is your new life, forever. Cherish it.
Comment: #4
Posted by: nick1010
Fri Mar 12, 2010 7:18 AM
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To "only child in family of six": Being related is simply an accident of DNA and provides no guarantee of affection or loving behavior. Rotten relatives are the reason we have friends!
Comment: #5
Posted by: L. Cuiddy
Fri Mar 12, 2010 7:30 AM
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Both letter writers could use some meetings of Al-Anon, the support group for family and friends of alcoholics. A frequently used term there is "FOC" - Family of Choice. One can survive being from a dysfunctional family a lot better when one has chosen a "family" that is healthy.
The "What If" writer also could learn how to live happily with peace and normalcy; however, I'm concerned for her coz she sounds like a PRIME catch for an alcoholic who's looking for a "keeper." It has been noted in studies how the "family pattern" mysteriously repeats itself, that the adult child of an alcoholic will find their own -- thus What If could learn how to prevent being drawn to the wrong man who'd bring the familiar chaos back to her life.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bonnie Simpson
Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:14 AM
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Both letter writers could use some meetings of Al-Anon, the support group for family and friends of alcoholics. A frequently used term there is "FOC" - Family of Choice. One can survive being from a dysfunctional family a lot better when one has chosen a "family" that is healthy.
The "What If" writer also could learn how to live happily with peace and normalcy; however, I'm concerned for her coz she sounds like a PRIME catch for an alcoholic who's looking for a "keeper." It has been noted in studies how the "family pattern" mysteriously repeats itself, that the adult child of an alcoholic will find their own -- thus What If could learn how to prevent being drawn to the wrong man who'd bring the familiar chaos back to her life.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Bonnie Simpson
Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:15 AM
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I just wanted to say something to the woman who obsesses about how something in her wonderful life might go wrong. I am sixty years old and have worried like that most of my life. It comes from having had a traumatic past, and is understandable. But when I hit sixty I realized that my life is dwindling away, and I have never been really, honestly, happy. So, now every morning I get up and make a decision to be happy today. If some alarm starts going off in my head, I remind myself of my promise to just feel happy today. It has lightened the load. The worst possible thing may happen any minute of any day, but until it does, and I have to dress up in my coping skills again, I have decided to park them in my closet. It has been great! (You never forget how to do that, so you do not need to practice.)
Comment: #8
Posted by: Polly Fukuhara
Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:16 AM
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LW2 might want to look into meditation and Buddhism. Very helpful with settling the mind and calming the emotions.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Van Wickle
Fri Mar 12, 2010 11:14 AM
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Before we go blaming the parents, which is such a simple thing to do (and certainly sometimes is valid), let's keep in mind that all of the people in this "Family of 6" are now adults. In her comments, Val suggests that the primary reason she and her siblings don't have much (if any) contact is because Martyr Mom created this situation. While that mother planted the seeds, at some point, Val and her siblings because adults who were capable of seeing Martyr Mom and Manipulator Mom and recognize the damage she did and then take steps to repair that damage as best as possible. It's fine that Val has no interest in taking the time and effort now to establish decent relationships with her siblings, but clearly the writer of the original letter DOES have an interest, and there's nothing wrong with her trying one last time, in honor of her parents.
Margo, I'm not sure if you have children or how many you have, etc., but I do know your mother and your aunt had a turbulent relationship and at some point stopped talking to each other, so I know you've seen some of this as the daughter/niece. I know nothing about your grandparents, but I can assure you it is different seeing this when you are the parent of the siblings who can't get along. You blame yourself. You try to figure out what you did wrong (even if you did NOTHING wrong). If you realize you did nothing wrong, you wonder what's wrong with the DNA you passed down to these people. You feel guilty and ashamed and incredibly sad.
I don't know this because I am a parent -- in fact, I have no kids. But I am married to a man with two brothers. He is in contact with both brothers, but the two brothers are not in contact with one another, and one of them is no longer in contact with the parents, either. I love my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I have known the family for years and been a part of the family for years. I can assure you that neither of the parents did anything "wrong." One of the brothers is a bad apple, simple as that. It has nothing to do with anything his parents did -- he's just a jerk, period. But that is of no consolation to my husband's parents, who are trying to figure out how this happened and would give anything for the family to be reunited. I have had countless conversations with my mother-in-law trying to assure her that she did nothing wrong -- but there is no "shoring this up" with a simple throw-away line like "you never know what the future holds" as you suggested the LW say to her parents.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Mar 12, 2010 11:35 AM
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Re: LW1 - my first thought when I read Margo's statement that "you'd think the baby sister would be cherished, but that's not what happened" is that it maybe that is exactly what happened - that she was cherished and doted on by the parents to the point that the brothers became jealous. Even though this would have been many years ago, the hurt that would have caused the brothers will no doubt last forever.
No way to know without more details if this was the case, but if so, the parents are the cause of the problem and don't have a right to feel hurt. Also, Margo's words regarding the brother's were way to harsh without knowing their side of the story.
Comment: #11
Posted by: C Meier
Fri Mar 12, 2010 11:46 AM
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Re: Molly B
I, too, was a product of a dysfunctional family. If you looked in the dictionary, our picture would be next to it. After 2 marriages to alcoholics, I went to a therapist. The only thing that stuck with me was that "you go with what you know". Meaning that if you've learned to cope with dysfunction, that's what you're "comfortable" with. and you gravitate to unhealthy relationships like your parents were in. Anything but chaos is scary. You are always waiting for some catastrophe and building yourself up for it. When it doesn't happen, it's like this huge relief. It's a terrible cycle and one I still have trouble breaking. It's caused a lot of problems with my new husband because he was raised with wonderful parents who've been married for 54 years. It's a constant struggle for me waiting for something awful. Good luck to everyone trying to break this habit!
Comment: #12
Posted by: c c
Fri Mar 12, 2010 12:22 PM
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From what it sounds like, Letter writer #2 may have some kind of anxiety disorder. She should talk to her doctor about how she's feeling and see what kind of help he/she can offer. If someone lives with that kind of worry long enough they will take it out on those closest to them.
Comment: #13
Posted by: JessCej
Fri Mar 12, 2010 12:42 PM
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Re: Van Wickle. Or.....she could go to church and there learn to put her trust in Jesus.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Matt
Sat Mar 13, 2010 1:49 AM
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Re: c c-----it is absolutely a horrible cycle to break. I struggle with it everyday. For those around me who are used to the "old me", immersing myself in dramatic and toxic relationships now love to call me selfish. Removing myself from these toxic realtionships has been a constant struggle...always still wanting to gravitate to those extremes, but this removal has ultimately been the healthiest (if not hardest...) thing I have done.
Learning to take care of myself first and foremost has been difficult. My saving grace is a therapist who is realistic and challenges me and the few friends who support my "selfish" journey to better myself and a wonderfully loyal, respectful, loving, and supporting boyfriend. But even without the latter two...I would still be walking this journey to be healthy, even if I was doing it virtually alone. Removing myself from the TOXIC - family and lifetime friends - although the most difficult, has also been the key. Good Luck to you too!
Comment: #15
Posted by: Molly B
Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:37 AM
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I hope Frustrated will consider seeing her physiscian. What she is describing sounds like anxiety, and there are medications that can help. I have been there. I used to lay awake at night worrying about what I needed to do. An antidepressant made all the difference in the world.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Brenda Schmidt
Sat Mar 13, 2010 3:03 PM
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Re: Matt and Van Winkle
Yes, she could look into Buddhism, Christianity, and/or meditation. Christians might not think so, but there really isn't a conflict, at least from the Buddhist point of view, in believing in Buddhist thought and revering Jesus. Both Christianity and Buddhism have traditions that value meditation--it's just that in Christianity, it was lost after it was deemed heresy. It sounds to me like Frustrated is suffering from generalized anxiety disorder, in which case, meditation, medication, and community can all help. Mindfulness mediation has its roots in Zen Buddhism, but does not demand you subscribe to Buddhism or any other religion. Anti-depressants have a good track record of treating people with anxiety. Community (perhaps in the form Al-Anon or a religious organization) is a well-known preventative for depression, and should help when it comes to anxiety, too. Add in exercise, a good diet, and a well-deserved pride in your accomplishments, and you could be on your way to a life where you aren't always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Asagao
Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:12 PM
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Polly, that sounds like excellent advice.
LW2 should look into Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Ellyn
Sun Mar 14, 2010 2:01 PM
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Re: C Meier
OMG! I think I must be posting under a different name! These are my exact thoughts!
I was the cherished baby sister and my father put me on a pedestal WAY higher than my siblings. At the time, I thought that this is the way things are supposed to be. But we all harbored resentment in different degrees and it has tainted my relationships with them. As I got older, I became aware that it wasn't right and I did what I could to get Dad to tone it down. We were (mostly) able to move past and realize that it was Dad's problem, not ours, but every once in awhile it still comes up. At some level, they still resent the fact that I received more time, attention, and money than they did, and I still resent that they ganged up on me to get even for something I had no control over. We acknowledge it and move on, and that's what LW needs to do, with her brothers if possible, or without them if they don't want to be a part of her life.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Shirley
Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:57 AM
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