Dear Margo: I am in my 50s, have been divorced for 10 years and have a 17-year-old daughter. Her dad is remarried. I've been seeing someone for 13 months, and my daughter can't stand him. He is a nice guy, and there are no behaviors to dislike. In fact, he's rarely been around her. She has no reason; she says she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around. How to handle this? I've told her it's my choice and my house, and I can have company. (He has never stayed overnight with her around, only for a dinner here and there.) I mostly see him when she is at her dad's house. The vehemence of her dislike really hurts. She's rarely been around anyone I've dated, partly because I've hardly dated in the past 10 years. Must I choose one or the other? — Torn
Dear Torn: No choice is necessary. Your daughter is your daughter, and your boyfriend is your boyfriend. My position has always been that kids don't get a vote unless the "interloper" is obviously disreputable, snippy to the kid or a felon.
She will be out of the house and at college, one presumes, in a year. I would be interested in how she interacts with her stepmother. It is possible that she resents any time taken away from her, though it sounds as though you've been very conservative in time spent as a threesome. I think the approach you've been taking is just fine, and I would urge you to push her to articulate her dislike, and also to stick to your guns — in this case, your man. — Margo, affirmatively
Well-Meaning, Perhaps, but a Lunkhead Dad Just the Same
Dear Margo: My dad is getting married soon. There's nothing wrong with the woman. Their relationship started after he and my mom separated, and he seems happy. Unfortunately, remarriage is sometimes difficult for family and friends to accept, and the way my dad has handled it isn't helping.
The latest in a series of missteps is that he and his fiancee have decided to get married a few days after the divorce becomes final ...
and more importantly, a few days after my brother's bar mitzvah. Because the events are so close together, many friends and relatives from out of state will have to choose which one to attend. My dad claims the wedding date is necessary because it's the only time my aunt, a minister, is available to officiate. Furthermore, he says he works hard to be a good provider and father (which is true) and is allowed to do some things for himself even if others don't like it.
Mom thinks the choice of wedding date is disrespectful and shows how little he cares about the bar mitzvah, and my brother feels like Dad is stealing his thunder. Even though I think my dad is a bonehead, rather than malicious, their feelings are understandable. Unfortunately, many friends object to the marriage. How do I know this? Well, some of them are comfortable sharing their disapproval with me and, even worse, my little brother. The kid is upset and confused as it is, and he doesn't understand that he can be angry about the wedding and still love our father. How do I tell people that their opinions are unwanted, inappropriate and hurtful? And how do I help my brother understand that he doesn't have to choose sides? — Malcolm and His Sister in the Middle
Dear Mal: "Unfortunate" is exactly the right word. And because you say your aunt is a minister, I am pretty sure she's not your mother's sister, ergo your father is not Jewish — which may mean he doesn't quite get the significance of a bar mitzvah. In any case, once people have unloaded on you about their displeasure with your father, it's kind of hard to tell them you're not interested in their opinions, since those verbal horses have left the barn, as it were. Regarding your brother, try to help him understand that the timing may be regrettable but in no way does it speak to his father's love for him. This may prove a little difficult because the kid is, after all, only 13. — Margo, comfortingly
***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
7 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
LW1 needs to lay down the law with this kid - not necessarily in a harsh and confrontational way, but definitely in a firm one. Margo's advice was perfect. To allow your teenage child from a prior marriage to "chase off" your new partner is to invite trouble. This kid needs something explained to her - that absent some real serious problem or offense on his part, she does not get to live her mother's life. I too would be interested in her relationship with the stepmother, and I certainly would be interested in getting to the bottom of why she does not like this guy. Unless he has threatened her, approached her sexually, or has a history of such behavior, as Margo said, she doesn't get a vote.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:49 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1 needs to get a backbone and stop pandering to her spoiled rotten brat of a kid. It should go something like this: "I'm dating so and so and you'll be cordial if not respectful to him when he's a guest in my home." "If not, you can find somewhere else to go while he's here." "Or, you can take your college fund and find a new place to live." Parent's coddle their children to the point where no one else can stand these self-entitled monsters by the time they reach adulthood.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chris
Fri Feb 12, 2010 4:14 AM
|
|
|
|
After dating a wonderful man for over 2 years I informed my children that we were getting married. My 11 year old daughter was very angry, saying I was wrecking her life and she never wanted anything to change. I informed her that in 7 years she would leave me and I had no intention of being alone for the rest of my life because she didn't want anything to change. She was mad for 2 years but did get over it. She wouldn't put my husband out of our lives for anything now.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kat Erickson
Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:40 AM
|
|
|
|
I was in a similar position once....but demanded my children treat this gentlemen I brought into their life with respect. Their bio-father was a professional with a title, this man worked with his hands. But from day one I tolerated no disrespect and so the tone was set. We have enjoyed a long happy marriage since those early days - now my grandchildren love and care about this man more than words can say. He's been a critical part of my children's lives in ways their father never could with his new family and new demanding obligations.
Now, years later, these wonderful adult children, happily married themselves, tell me it was the joy that he brought to me that made them accept him so readily. They were so 'relieved' that the grieving over my lost marriage was ended, I believe they would have welcomed a monkey!! I had friends who were trying to date decent, kind men but let their children act like bullies. Some of those relationships crashed and burned, others took years to reach any level of parity. Respect your daughter's feelings, but tolerate no unsubstantiated nonsense.
Comment: #4
Posted by: murray
Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:55 AM
|
|
|
|
Boy, Chris, you're really beating that coddle/entitlement drum again, aren't you? Anyone ever tell you that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?
The daughter's feelings are pretty normal fora kid in this situation -- for 10 years, it's been her & Mom against the world, especially since Dad already split his focus and remarried (and possibly fathered other kids with the new wife). The daughter has assumed Mom is so focused on mothering that she doesn't need/want to bring anyone else into their lives. Mom's shaken that assumption, and daughter is reacting to the situation, not to the specific person. Nobody likes feeling like a third wheel. And like most teens, she hasn't thought ahead to what happens to Mom when daughter flies the nest.
Of course rudeness is not to be tolerated. But LW never says daughter has been rude to the boyfriend, only that she dislikes him and prefers not to be present when he's at dinners at their house. That in itself is not rude, as long as she's not saying to the BF something like "You're here again? Guess I'll go eat at Suzy's -- don't wait up, Mom, I'll spend the night."
And of course Mom can have company in her house -- or even marry this guy and move him in. She's asking how to keep BOTH relationships. She's got a better shot at it, I think, if she says to daughter: Look, we've been a team for 10 years, and a pretty good one.You've grown into an intelligent, likable, capable person with an exciting life ahead of you. But I think you object more to the idea of someone upsetting our "team" more than you object to George himself. He's a pretty good guy and I like him a lot.I'm going to keep seeing him.I'm not insisting that the three of us be BFFs and do everything together -- that wouldn't be fair to any of us. I can't force you to like him, anymore than you could force me to like a boyfriend of yours. But because you are important to me, I would respect that boyfriend as someone who's making you happy, and try to find some common ground to avoid hurting you. It would mean a lot to me if you would do the same.
Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:35 AM
|
|
|
|
I think that before jumping to the conclusion that the daughter is being unreasonable, it is important to get to the bottom of her objection. It could very well be that she doesn't want a third party in the relationship with her mom, but she may be getting a creepy feeling from the way the guy looks at her that her mother hasn't witnessed or picked up on, like when she's out of the room, or as Matt suggested, he may have been more forward. The mother-daughter bond will be strengthened if the mother's attitude is to get the daughter to confide her impressions of the boyfriend and for the mother to discuss what she likes about him and not come down on her daughter so hard. Besides, she'll be out of the house in less than a year and off on her own adventures.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Pugo
Fri Feb 12, 2010 4:33 PM
|
|
|
|
As for the Mom with the so called 17 year old dictator: It's possible the daughter is simply resentful of the boyfriend or maybe she feels her mother shouldn't date at all. It's a shame she can't articulate her feelings more so that she and her Mom can discuss it better. HOWEVER, I think the mother should do a bit more digging with the daughter.....in a way that the daughter feels like she can open up and talk and know that her mother really cares about her feelings.....because what if...just what if....the boyfriend has made a pass at the daughter or has said something inappropriate and the mother doesn't have a clue and the daughter doesn't know how to tell her about it. It's a possibility and the mother shouldn't just assume the daughter is simply throwing a tantrum or being difficult. There may be a serious reason behind her dislike.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Su
Mon Feb 15, 2010 10:05 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
