Dear Margo: Do you think a wife deserves to know that her husband, who portrays himself as an upstanding, churchgoing, faithful family man, is spending inordinate amounts of time trolling the Internet for women? She has suspected him of being unfaithful in the past, and he's convinced her otherwise. This, alas, was not true. He uses false names at times and stays up late at night "chatting" with these women. He spends time in chat rooms and on various social networking sites to meet women. Should his wife know about this? — Knows the Truth
Dear Knows: I can't tell exactly who you are in this drama, but I suspect you are one of the babes he's been "chatting" with, and that you know who he is ... and you know the wife. You also seem to know some of their marital history. I would advise saying nothing. My guess is that his Mrs. may know, and if not, she is bound to find out. (I get too much mail from women who do eventually figure things out.) It is such a shame that the amazing Internet has this dark, destructive potential. I am of the school that believes "he'll get his." At some point, the wife will find out, and then she'll decide what she wants to do about it. — Margo, fatefully
You Are In No Way Alone
Dear Margo: I'm a 30-year-old male recently back in the U.S. after working and studying abroad for two years. When I was forced to move back because of lack of work, I was hoping to find a job with the government or a non-governmental organization in the field of international development. Now, nine months later, I am living with my parents, single and still unemployed.
The whole situation is having increasingly negative effects.
I have spent the last 12 years accomplishing some of my goals: putting myself through school, obtaining four degrees, living in three different countries and becoming fluent in a foreign language. I always felt that of the many things I wanted to achieve near the top ranked being a husband and father and having a job where I felt I was helping others and making a difference. These goals now seem stifled by the current economic situation that plagues so many of us. I am frustrated and depressed about my lack of control over my employment, and about the realization that the chances of attracting a desirable woman are fairly slim for an unemployed 30-year-old living with his parents. I often find myself curt with family members and apathetic about the few social opportunities that are available in my very small town. What can I do? — Rotting in the Rockies
Dear Rot: What you can do is improvise — and have hope. Yes, you have dreams that have been put on hold, but as my mom always said, life is what happens when you're making other plans. The good news is that you are not a homeless soul wondering where your next meal is coming from. I would suggest taking that sharp mind of yours and moving to Plan B, which I invite you to formulate. Regarding being married, that does not have a direct line to your career. Life moves; things change. Try volunteering for an NGO. Network — see who can use your talents, even in a bum economy. Forgive the cliche, but where there's a will there's a way, and I'll bet you find it. — Margo, hopefully
***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
8 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
In the Rockies: You're living in the wrong place for the kind of work you want to do. I have several friends and relatives doing a variety of exactly the kinds of jobs you're interested in, but they're all in the DC area. Even in the age of Internet job seeking, you're better off living in the vicinity of where the jobs are. If I were you, I'd move somewhere near DC (some locations in VA may be less expensive), and get whatever kind of job you can find to pay your living expenses for now, to allow you to live there. Being a server at a good restaurant can be pretty lucrative and can have flexible hours. In your off hours, get an internship at the kind of place where you'd like to work. Or you could sign up with several temp agencies and try to do some entry-level temp work at those places. Interning or temping will give the employers a chance to get to know you and often leads to a job offer for a paying position. I had several jobs open up for me in the past following both these paths, and they led to my career as a book editor today.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joyce
Sat Feb 13, 2010 10:02 AM
|
|
|
|
I agree with Margo and Joyce. Volunteering pads your resume and puts in the notice of people who may have permanent positions as the come available. As to internships I'm almost finished with a degree in Horticulture and many of the good jobs out there hire from their intern pool. They want to see you paying your dues. Look at it as a few months of interviewing and get out there!
Good luck!
Comment: #2
Posted by: wyn667
Sat Feb 13, 2010 10:17 AM
|
|
|
|
I only have a small bone to pick with Margo and it doesn't have anything to do with her advice. It was actually John Lennon who said "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." Credit should be given where it is due.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Darlene
Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:20 AM
|
|
|
|
I never understood why Margo suggests for women to NOT tell their married friends that the husband is cheating. If I cared about a friend I would let her know-- what if the guy isn't using protection? What if he contracts some disease and gives it to the unknowing wife? Ignorance is bliss until you get crabs. Same goes for cheating women and their husbands. If a friend ever found out that my fiancee was cheating on me, I would want to know, and I would be hurt if I found out my friends had known all along and chose not to tell me.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Brooke
Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:42 PM
|
|
|
|
I concur with another responder. I do not understand why someone who has clear proof that the man is cheating should withold that info. As Margo says, life is choices and when you have such info, your choice is to help someone you know whose trust is being abused or to do nothing. It seems crystal clear to me. I speak from personal experience. MY wife had an affair lasting a year, and she turned out to be an exceptionally good liar. I was informed anonymously and it was a very painful time, but life goes on and I had my kids to raise. Is it better for this poor lady to waste years of her life on this bum? How long will this stuff go on?
Comment: #5
Posted by: andrewj
Thu Feb 18, 2010 11:22 AM
|
|
|
|
You can't get crabs from typing. Nothing the person said indicated to me that he's currently (though maybe in the past) having a 'physical' affair. And Margo's advice was partly due to the fact that she suspects the LW is aware of this info because she is not only a friend of the wife, but also participating in the "chatting". Either way, while I too would like to think I would want a well meaning friend to warn me, I know many people who when confronted with that information would not take it to heart, and it would ruin the friendship, not the relationship. Sometimes the best answer is to stay out of it, but be supportive if/when the you know what hits the fan.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kristen
Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:17 PM
|
|
|
|
To Kristen, comment #6: The letter states that the wife suspected the husband of being unfaithful in the past, he convinced her that he was not, and that was a lie. She also said he uses social networking sites to meet women. This also seems crystal clear to me. Whether or not the lady will take the info to heart is anyones's guess, but she at least has the option of an informed decision. Again , from personal experience, it is quite shocking how well some people lie under pressure, and quite a revelation when you finally realize how many times it has happened. I don't know any defense except to get away, and you need to know what is actually going on to start that process.
Comment: #7
Posted by: andrewj
Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:29 PM
|
|
|
|
there are different types of cheating, and if this man is focused more on connecting with other women than with his own wife, he is committing a form of adultery, and may be very close to committing physical adultery. he is hardly acting innocent.
Comment: #8
Posted by: aliciaj
Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:56 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
