Classic Zig Ziglar

When our oldest daughter was a teenager, she came home from school one afternoon, hopped out of the car and ran into the house, considerably excited, while her friends waited expectantly in the car. She rushed up to me and said, "Daddy, can I go to (such and such a place) with my friends?" I responded, "No, Doll, you cannot."

She was somewhat stunned and said, "Why not?" I responded, "Because I happen to know those kids are the wrong crowd, and they are headed to the wrong place." She gave the typical teenager response with, "Everybody else is doing it!" I said to her, "Now, Doll, you know that has no bearing on whether you can do it or not."

Again, she said, "Well, why can't I go?" And again I responded, "It's the wrong place with the wrong crowd." She persisted, and I patiently said to her, "Sweetheart, let me tell you something. Those kids waiting out in the car for you say they're your friends. Tomorrow or next week they might not be speaking to you. I just want you to know that there is never going to be anything that you can do that will keep me or your mother from loving you."

I went on to explain that I loved her too much to permit her to jeopardize her reputation or possibly even her life. She stood, lips quivering, for a moment. Then she literally jumped forward, grabbed me, gave me a big hug and kiss, and said, "Thank you, Daddy! I really didn't want to go anyhow."

I have no idea what she told her friends, but the important thing was that she was able to blame me and save face with the kids in the car.

My wife, the redhead, and I had the experience of our children loudly saying on the phone, "Let me ask my parents," then holding the phone high in the air to catch our response as they wildly signaled to us to say "No." We have no idea how many times they wanted us to say no because they didn't want to be put in bad circumstances.

Or how many times they just didn't want to do what was being asked — but we do know that sometimes children need help saying no.

When you give directives to your child, especially a teenager, you must consider that child's nature. All four of our children responded differently to the word no. Julie, our youngest daughter, would easily — even happily — accept our decision of no, and then go about finding a way to do what we had instructed her not to do. When caught in the act of defiance, however, Julie always responded well to discipline. Once she had paid her price for disobedience, she did not repeat the offense.

Our middle daughter, Cindy, always responded to "no" with anger — stomping down the hall, muttering under her breath and closing her bedroom door just a little too loudly. She sometimes would not speak to anyone in the family for two days. Cindy could hold out longer than the rest when it came to showing her displeasure. Her behavior was never as hurtful to us as allowing her to do what we didn't think she should.

I'm convinced that what kids need today are parents, not buddies. They need someone who will exercise mature judgment. Kids instinctively know — despite the fact they will argue to the contrary — that they really are not mature enough to make good decisions on some important issues. Like I say, they don't want a buddy at home. They want a mom and dad who love them enough to say no when it really is the best answer for the child. Yes, when the motive is love, even if the child doesn't fully understand, your decision will eventually be accepted.

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