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Wannabe Doc Has No Time for Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: Our 22-year-old son is in college. He lives at home, and we pay all his expenses, which is fine with us. He was never particularly interested in school until his last year of high school. Now he's doing really well.
The problem is, he wants to go to medical school and needs to pass the MCAT exam. He is studying very hard and barely speaks to us. This is frightening for us. He is our only child, and we are trying very hard to be nice to him, but he dismisses us completely. When he eats dinner with us, he barely answers our questions and gets up as soon as possible. Even when he's watching TV in his room, he locks his door.
It's hard to deal with this. How we can make him understand that success isn't everything? — Worried Mom
Dear Mom: Right now, doing well in school and passing his MCATs are the most important things in your son's life, and he is working hard to achieve his goals. Instead of demanding his attention, try to support his ambition. Keep in mind that you get to see your child more often than many parents whose college-age children are home only during semester breaks (and not always then). And it's harder for him to have the independent, adult life he craves, because he still lives with you.
We know it's difficult that he is so uncommunicative, and you can ask him to be civil enough to respond politely when spoken to. But beyond that, please accept his presence as it is. If it's at all possible for him to live in a dorm room or get a part-time job to support an apartment, we highly recommend it.
Dear Annie: My local grocery has carryout service. I tell them I don't need help, but they always assist anyway. Granted, I look like I need help because I always have my 9-month-old baby and 3-year-old toddler with me.
I realize they are only being kind, but it makes me feel I have to tip them a dollar or two. Do I? How much? How can I make it clear that I don't want their assistance? (I always take the cart back to the store. The extra walk is great exercise.) — J.
Dear J.: Groceries that offer to have someone take your bags to the car generally do so as a courtesy to the shoppers, and a tip is not required. If you aren't sure what the policy is for your store, ask the manager. And while you're at it, inquire how to do without this service. Perhaps you simply need to be more forceful when saying, "Absolutely not, thank you very much."
Dear Annie: I think your answer to "Dreaming of Long Hair" may have reflected your own negative bias. How could you say some people see it as "effeminate, unprofessional or the sign of a slacker"? Others might view long hair as the mark of an artist, musician, soccer player or independent thinker.
The real issue is how much control parents need to exert over personal choice issues such as hair length for a 14-year-old boy. It seems to me that by this age, he should be allowed to decide how he wants to wear his own hair. The ties between teens and their parents are usually already so strained that it just makes sense to cut a kid some slack on the less critical issues. You might have suggested he approach his parents from this perspective, armed with your column. — It's Only Hair
Dear Hair: You misunderstand our position. Long hair is neither positive nor negative. However, it is obvious that this young man's parents find it unacceptable. We hoped understanding the possible reasons might help him to counter their objections. Nonetheless, they are still his parents and are allowed to set the rules in their home.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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61 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - I don't know what the parents do for a living but I wonder if they know what it's like to have 1 test be as important as the MCAT. Doing well means you go to a med school you pick in the US. Doing poorly means not being a doctor. That's a lot of pressure, & I applaud this guy for working so hard for such a laudable goal. His parents should support him not throw him out because he doesn't talk to them enough. This isn't about his being independent & having an adult life blah blah blah so a part time job wouldn't help. It's about passing the test & doing well on it & in his studies so he can have a future as a doctor. When you're the parents' age, spending all your time on your career may be a bad idea. When you're 22 & trying to get into med school, it's a great idea.
LW2 - say thank you and don't tip if you don't want to.
LW3 - agree with the LW. Parents of teenagers need to pick their battles. Hair is a bad choice, compared to school work, chores, drugs, truthfulness, to name just a few issues that can come up with teenagers. It's bad parenting to set up a conflict over something that matters as little as the length of one's hair.
Comment: #1
Posted by: kai archie
Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:14 PM
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LW1 - I was where he is, although studying a different degree. I was surly and uncommunicative because I was an adult living with my mother. I needed to grow up. That said, while I was studying, my mother would interrupt me constantly, knocking on my bedroom door offering me food or something to drink and basically disrupting my train of thought although I'd told her that I would be working on an essay. It drove me crazy and made me withdraw even more. I know she thought she was being helpful by "serving" me, but the message that she gave was that she had no idea how much my study mattered to me. So, LW1, I feel your pain, but your son is doing great. My advice would be to ask him in a non-accusatory way what he needs from you and LISTEN. Oh, and one other thought - as an only child, he may feel pressure to be especially successful both to make you proud, and because one day he'll be taking care of you by himself. It's a huge burden to carry.
LD
Comment: #2
Posted by: longday
Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:38 PM
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LW1-
It may not be everything in the long run, but it sure is everything NOW. IT is entirely possible that he doesn't have the energy for both studying hard enough, and socalising with whoever, even you.
Look. Which do you prefer - a doting son who is at your beck and call and is the joy of suppertime, or a successful one, who can make a comfortable living after you're gone, at what he cares about most? Give him a break, willya? He'll come aroung when he's not so much under pressure.
P.S.: Considering his performance on this landmark test may determine whether or not he DOES get to be a doctor, you know what? It does matter PLENTY in the long run. Lghten up.
LW2-
I would personally be more interested in finding out from the management if I'm being viewed as a scrooge because I cannot afford to tip. This being stated, any service that is being foisted on you over your protestations does not require a tip, so stop worrying about that.
But... like the seat in the bus which I gratefully accept because my ankles are invariably killing me, perhaps you don't WANT to think you need help while you're saddled with an infant and a toddler but - pul-lease not to me, okay? You DO need the help. And it is no shame, or loss to your independence to accept it. (Sheesh)
LW3 -
What I said then still stands - pick your battles. This shoudn't be one of them.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:40 PM
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LW2: Can I be the voice of wisdom here with this one? Well, all 3 of my sons started working the nearest grocery store as soon as they turned 16. And all through college it was one of their jobs. I can only remember a couple of times when they would be excited about getting a tip. Maybe they took the opportunity after putting the groceries into the car safely and brushed the snow off their windows, etc. And it was elderly ladies who gave the tips. There are NO TIPS EXPECTED. None what so ever. My son is now one of the 4 managers of this grocery and it is not discouraged if someone gives them a tip for above and beyond (yes, my sons have jump started people's cars too) but it is never an expected thing.
Another older lady brings in cookies to the staff all the time. What they do is when they get a bag of sugar, etc that breaks during stocking, into the back it goes. She gets it the next time she is in.
I get outdate choices--yogurt, cottage cheese--my baking items. One time the delivery of 5 qt ice cream had broken handles and lids when unpacked. Not to have space locked up for this, the manager at the time (son was 16) told him he could take the whole pallet if he had a place for them. He called home, and we got on the ball, finding all sorts of neighbors with freezers. And moved out the load they could not sell.
Maybe this is small midwestern town style, but bet there are more stories like this out there. So no, it is not an insult not to tip. BUT the carryouts would be in trouble if you had 2 little ones and had groceries to be taken out and they did not do it. One of those nice things that happen and just give a warm thank you for.
My son's store does delivery of your groceries to your home too. $2. My son does all the deliveries, puts your groceries away in the freezer, fridge. Opens bottles for those who have issues, All under the $2. Why? Cause they keep coming back to the store.
They can do their own shopping, take the bus home and he comes at 3 or they call in by 10 am with their list, and he comes at 3. Oh, he also knows what brands and sizes they buy. Very seldom wrong. And they keep coming back.
~~~~~~~~~~
For larger cities and my groceries if I get--never had an issue with help unloading, etc. Never asked at Walmart but other when buying 40 lb or water softner pellets--they always load my car.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Sat Feb 11, 2012 11:07 PM
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re: LW3 I take it one step further than "picking your battles," I would never even consider this a potential battle. If a 14 year old wants long hair, this is exactly the time he should have it. Unless he goes into certain career fields, he will spend the rest of his life comforming his hair length to other people's standards.
This is a difficult time in a child's life. As a parent, I would encourage him to wear his hair the way he wants, instead of causing him added stress.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Girl Scout Leader
Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:08 AM
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Did LW2 really just say that walking a cart back to a grocery store is "great exercise"?! Maybe if it was from the end of a huge Walmart parking lot, and the wheels were jammed, and she was running and carrying both her kids...
Bet she thinks that pizza is a "healthy vegetable", too! Hah.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:52 AM
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LW2 - having worked (way back when, after high school) as a clerk in a store, I can understand why clerks may sometimes insist, with a smile, on helping someone who is either burdened with extra bags and children, or has a difficulty of some kind that slows up the line and makes other customers wait. Clerks in many stores are hired on the basis of being fast and efficient, and keeping the line moving so that a jam up of customers doesn't occur. The line can be roaring along, getting everyone on their way very efficiently, when one customer with special needs, like a parent with two or three kids in tow, can bring "traffic" through the checkstand to a grinding halt, doing something as simple as figuring out how to arrange the kids while getting ready to start moving the cart. (And suddenly, ten people are made to wait, because of one customer's choice to be more "independent.") Yes, the world should be patient with parents of young children... I absolutely do feel this way..... but sometimes it can help everyone if folks who don't feel they "need" assistance, just accept it. If you're taking more time than usual in checkout, as you fuss with your baby and other young one, again I'm not blaming you for that, but they may have good reasons to want to give you a hand, not just as a courtesy to you, but a courtesy to the other folks waiting in line.
LW3 - the Annies are wrong, and you are right. The notion that parents have the right to control every aspect of a teenager's appearance, and veto all of his or her personal choices just because they are adults, even when those choices are just an expression of individuality, is oppressive. It's funny how people who try not to be sexist or racist, angrily defend their right to be adultist in this manner. When my son was a teenager he grew his hair long. I would have preferred the "military" look. But I smiled and made the decision to appreciate it, recognizing that it was his choice, not mine. He grew up into a fine, independent, pleasant, and financially successful young man. My advice to the young man who wrote in would have been similar to yours, not the Annies'.
Comment: #7
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:17 AM
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Zoe, normally I'd agree with you, but if she's got a 3-year-old and a baby, this is probably the only exercise she gets.
What really bugged me about this letter is that they still "help" even though she tells them not to. WTF? Since when does "no" mean anything but "no," forceful or not? The store manager needs to train the staff to listen to the customers.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Baldrz
Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:45 AM
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RE: The young mother with the 1 and 3 yr old children and exercise - I know from experience that returning a shopping cart is not the only exercise she gets! Have you ever tried to keep up with one child these ages, let alone two!
Comment: #9
Posted by: Aaltje
Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:42 AM
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Re: Joyce/MN-'Maybe this is small midwestern town style,' or perhaps it's the decision of an independent store owner. when i worked for a retail drug chain, company policy as dictated by the home office, if an item is damaged, it gets sent back to the warehouse. if this isn't possible, it gets put in the company dumpster and destroyed so that no one can steal it to use or sell it. we were directed to pour bleach on it. my store spent more on bleach than they would have made if they were able to sell the items.
it would have been better if salvageable items were donated and the store had a receipt for a tax refund. better and more humane.
Comment: #10
Posted by: alien07110
Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:42 AM
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I'm with Baldrz in that it bothered me when the LW said she told the helpers she didn't need or want any help and they persisted anyway. Whether he felt she "needed" help or not is irrelevant. She said "no" and that should have been the end of it. Forcing assistance on someone who doesn't want it is an intrusion, and she should complain to the store manager, and she certainly shouldn't worry about tipping someone who forces help on her which she doesn't want in the first place.
LW3 - Again, the Annies are wrong. The long hair issue will resolve itself in time and you definitely need to pick your battles with teenagers. Hair is NOT one you need to win. My son had long hair as a teenager and while I didn't like it, I felt other issues were much more important than how he wore his hair. He is now an adult and actually wears his hair in a buzz cut because fooling with it longer was too much trouble.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:42 AM
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Re: Kitty & Baldrz
Check Sarah Morrow's post as to the reason why. If the woman is holding an entire line-up of people hostage because she insists on being "independent", she's being very selfish and inconsiderate. The entire store is not there solely for her convenience.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:19 AM
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@Lise & Sarah Morrow
I'm afraid I can't see how pushing your cart to your car and unloading your own groceries is "holding an entire line-up of people hostage". If anyone can explain this, please do so.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:54 AM
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There is a grocery store chain in my area that does not permit carts to be taken out of the store. If you can not hand carry your purchases, you drive up to their pickup line and they place the groceries in your car. They have a tag system and dedicated people to see there are no errors in who take which groceries.
Besides being helpful to a young mother(LW) they are making sure a cart is not left in the middle of the parking lot causing problems for other customers. When you have children in the car you don't want to leave them unattended while you return a cart. Customer service makes things run smoothly.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Anne
Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:14 AM
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LW1—“Our 22-year-old son is in college. He lives at home, and we pay all his expenses, which is fine with us.” You're enabling your son to succeed in school by removing any responsibilities or burdens. Now you're complaining because he's studying too much? If you want your son to succeed, then let him succeed! You sound a lot like my parents did when I was in college. My folks never went to college and they had no idea how much work it entailed. In my case, I also worked nearly full-time because my parents couldn't afford to send me to school; they did let me live at home, however, to help me save costs. My parents were constantly pestering me to socialize with the family more, come out of my room more, get outside more, do chores around the house, etc. I needed to study! What worked for me was to simply study at school, which meant between school and my job my parents rarely saw me at all. If you keep bugging your son when he's trying to study, then expect him to either take evasive action which will likely involve his studying elsewhere or give up on his studies entirely.
LW2—“I realize they are only being kind, but it makes me feel I have to tip them a dollar or two.” I worked as a bag boy at my local grocery store when I was a kid and I can assure you that tips are not only NOT required, but very likely forbidden by store policy. My store made it crystal clear to the baggers that carry out service was complimentary and provided by the store as a courtesy to its customers. We were told not to solicit tips and to flatly refuse any tips offered by customers. Sometimes I actually had to physically back away from a few unrelenting customers who did not understand this policy and were insistent that I take a tip anyway. If you can use the help loading groceries into your vehicle, I say take advantage of the assistance. Many stores no longer offer carry out service which I have always found to be a shame since it's a relatively inexpensive public relations vehicle for the stores, assuming they hire motivated friendly baggers.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Chris
Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:22 AM
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Some of you must live in very rural areas where stores are run much differently than they are in my area (suburb of a large city). None of our stores require carts be left in the store, and there are areas in the parking lots where carts can be left if you park too far away to return them to the store itself. The only time anyone drives up to the pick-up line is if they want help loading their groceries in their cars. In the LW's case, she states that she takes the cart back to the store after she unloads her groceries. While it may be unsafe to leave her children unattended, it is not the store's business. The stores here all have "bag boys" or "helpers" who take any carts left in the parking area back to the store immediately, and no clerks are held up nor is there a "line" which would be slowed down.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:25 AM
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LW1: he's in the zone, leave him alone: you have no idea how focused he is. This is temporary--just realize you're living in a library, keep the house quiet and don't bother the kid. How are you going to brag about "my son the doctor" if he can't get into med school?
If there's a med school in your city and he's accepted, then later you can decide if you still want him to live at home,or if you "think it would be better for you if you lived much closer to the hospital"--in other words, my darling son, you're a pill.
Comment: #17
Posted by: angoradeb
Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:49 AM
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Re: kai archie RE the hair. I would insist that he keep it trimmed neatly and shiny clean. Then he won't look like a neglected bum. If he doesn't cooperate have a punishment ready, like shut off his cell phone service or take away his computer.
Comment: #18
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:10 AM
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LW1- I think the son should make an effort to be civil to his parents, especially during meal times. Also, would it kill him to watch TV with them sometimes, instead of in his room with the door locked? He is obviously serious, and he seems like he is missing out on the normal life of a young man. However, when you think about the qualities that you want in your doctor, bedside manner ranks at least in the top 5. What kind of bedside manner will he have if he can't even be polite to his mother when she serves him a meal? What if this letter had been written by his wife? How would that change your response? We don't know his side of the story....maybe his parents drive him crazy, as several of you have suggested. I still think he should be able to express his gratitude to the parents that are footing his bills, feeding him, etc, by being nice for a few minutes a day.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Stephanie
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:23 AM
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So the son, the only child, finally buckles down and shows signs of really wanting to be a success in a very difficult field and "worried Mom" wants to "make him understand that success isn't everything"? That may be true, but it's a pretty miopic view considering that it's his future at stake. I can't believe the Annies think it will help him prepare for this test by getting a part time job to support an apartment. Sheesh. Leave him alone, Mom! As someone said, you want to brag about "my son, the doctor"? Leave him alone!
Side note: I had a senior boy in an English class a few years ago, nice kid but kind of a slacker, tried to drift by but that's not how to pass my English class. He didn't actually get worried about passing (and graduating!) until the last month of school when he realized how much hinged on his passing English - he wanted to go in the Navy and the recuiter said that failing was a deal-breaker. So the last month he worked his hiney off and still came in 5 points below what he needed to pass. We had a little Come To Jesus meeting. I let him sweat and then told him that I thought he needed to be in the Navy more than he needed to know how to parse sentences, and gave him the 5 points. A year later he came back to visit the school in his gleaming white uniform, getting ready to ship out. It was a proud moment for both of us. I'm reminded of it by LW1 because in truth, readiness and motivation are everything.
Are we really fighting about hair length again?? I'm a child of the 60s, and anyone who remembers those days will remember the insane fights that teenagers and parents had over hair length. The Beatles inspired it, and just looking at those early pictures of their schoolboy "Beatle cuts" makes you wonder what parents were so afraid of. They were afraid of their children being "different" i.e. uncontrollable.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:31 AM
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LW1 - Is this your son our your pweshus wittle Puggle? He's an adult not your pet. He's studying for the MCATs. Leave him alone. Success is not everything but right now his journey to his goal is. I imagine you're all up in his stuff and treating him like a kid. He's got a goal and a plan. Back off a little.
LW2 - Did the Beatles and the '60's teach us nothing? It's hair. Certainly not the hill I would want to die on and I'll be the first to tell you that I think the current hairstyles are kind of goofy but "oh well"..... The sun continues to rise. However, if those are the house rules then so be it.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Rick
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:33 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence - LOL You must have posted just as I was typing. I referenced the Beatles and the 60s as well. Did we live through that in vain? :-)
Comment: #22
Posted by: Rick
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:35 AM
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Re LW#1----------One thing I picked up on that could have two totally different reasons-----the part about him locking his bedroom door while he is watching TV (not studying, just watching TV).
Either they are driving him crazy wanting to talk, talk, talk and he needs the private time to relax quietly when he is NOT studying, or possibly something else. When I was in college there were kids who did drugs to help them study better, stay awake longer, etc., and since they were in the dorm, no possibility of parents popping in and catching them. But a student living at home with possibly intrusive parents? You'd have to lock the door.
(Just sayin'.)
But unless they suspect something like this is going on, they need to back off and leave him alone.
--------------------------------------
Re LW#3---------- The LW says "How could you say some people see it as effeminate, unprofessional, or the sign of a slacker"? Well, they can say it because it is the truth-------some people DO see it that way. Doesn't mean it's right, just means some people see it that way. Just because SOME people don't doesn't mean that view doesn't exist. And if his parents also see it that way, and put their foot down, not much he can do except wait till he's 18 (AND self-supporting), and then do what he wants with his hair and see if there are possible consequences job-wise, etc.
The bank where I worked once hired a teller who subsequently got her nose pierced. Not a ring in her nose, just one of those tiny stud things on the right side of her nose. Didn't really look bad, but there was a stated policy against any piercings except one on each earlobe. She got really mad, went around asking everybody if they thought it looked bad, and most of us felt it didn't--------but nevertheless she got fired for refusing to take it out, because management, the persons whose opinion counted in this case, said no.
This boy needs to think of his parents as 'management' for the time being. When he's of legal age and can take care of himself, then he can 'change jobs' if he likes.
Comment: #23
Posted by: jennylee
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:49 AM
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LW1, he's in the zone: please don't expect much, and leave him alone as much as possible. It's temporary.'
Besides, how are you going to brag about "my son the doctor" if he can't get into med school??
Comment: #24
Posted by: angoradeb
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:50 AM
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LW1: Your letter makes sense to me only from this perspective: You're worried not so much that he's not dating, talking about football, complimenting your cooking or otherwise interacting. You're more worried that his single-mindedness at this point will mean devastation later if he fails to achieve his dream, possibly to the point of suicide. And maybe you're worried that he's not taking care of himself properly.
I don't recommend the Annies' advice of the job/dorm. At least you can make sure he's eating nutritious food now -- if he were on his own, he might not take the time to shop/cook/clean up properly. And he's got no distractions here that prevent his focus on studying -- and I don't mean the fun diversions, but stuff like loud, partying neighbors, working out arrangements with roommates, etc. Yes, people need to learn this stuff, but most people do better if they take that on when they're not studying for a major exam like this one.
As to the potential devastation -- now is not the time to worry about that. Wait until he's taken the exam and is waiting, nervously, for the results. At that point, you offer reassurance that you're proud of him for choosing such a challenging goal and putting all his efforts into it -- that you were blown away by his dedication. And you can mention that it's not the end of the world if he changes his mind and decides he'd rather do something else with his life and go to med school, that YOUR heart is not set on him being a doctor, but only on finding honest work that brings him satisfaction.
Comment: #25
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:53 AM
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Re: LW1, it's a *problem* that he now cares about school and wants to go to medical school and is driven to make up for the years he was disinterested in school? It's a *problem*?!? No, no, a thousand times, no.
He's their only child. They are used to being the center of his world. He didn't even go away to college, he stayed home, prolonging the experience of him living at home.
With all due respect AND sympathy, I believe the real problem is that his intense focus on medical school is bringing up fears of "empty nest syndrome", and if he gets in to medical school, he probably won't live at home any more. That saddens the LW, maybe even scares her.
But kids become adults and MOVE OUT and SPEND LESS TIME with their parents. That's how it's supposed to work.
This isn't about LW1, it's about the son fulfilling a very laudable goal and trying to turn his life around. The very LAST thing a good parent should do is try to lay a guilt trip on the son to make him study LESS but pay attention to the parents MORE.
LW1, be proud of your son, don't guilt trip him. Step back, make sure he stays healthy during this period of intense studying, but don't be self-centered about this. It'll be better for your relationship in the long run, when, years from now, your successful doctor son will remember with gratitude this time when you helped him to do what he needed to do to start a new chapter in his life.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:03 AM
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Actually Kitty the "no carts in the lot" is more an urban thing. Most grocery stores around here have poles preventing the carts from leaving the front of the store walkway. Homeless people tend to steal them is the reasoning. And it absolutely is the store's business if she's leaving her children in THEIR parking lot unattended because she can't swallow her pride and let people be courteous to her. They are probably thinking liability.
You know, it's also a random act of kindness to allow someone to perform such an act. And people may be continuing to pester her because of a) being uncomfortable with children in the car alone while she returns the cart or b) the fact that many people when they are offered help will say no, just to be polite, or because they think YOU are not really wanting to offer but just being polite, when they really do need it!
Either way in this world where so many lament the loss of manners and customer service perhaps she ought to thank god she's getting any at all and get a real problem.
On a side note: I've never understood the "oh chasing toddlers provides so much exercise!" mentality. I've always been my fattest when my babies were 2-3ish and under. I'm too exhausted to do much of anything besides sit on the couch. I don't have time to eat proper meals so I end up eating a lot of snack foods and crap :-( I'm hungry constantly because I'm not getting enough sleep. Once they're in daycare at that 2-3ish age I can eat actual proper meals and get some real exercise and the weight comes off. But no, "chasing toddlers" has never been exercise for me. It's just been exhausting.
Comment: #27
Posted by: wkh
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:16 AM
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Re: Zoe
Maybe to you it isn't a great exercise, but to this busy Mom it is. My sister lost over 50lbs after the birth of my nephew by making sure she walked every chance she got. Walking is a great form of exercise. Especially for harried moms with no time to go to the gym. I just bet you are a svelte toned barbie then to be slinging your negative opinion like that. There are many health articles that advocate that getting a few minutes here and a few minutes there really can add up to a health benefit. Take a look around you at all the overweight and obese people; maybe more folks should think about walking more instead of riding the escalators - I saw plenty of folks along with myself jogging up them in Europe. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. I am doing the trek up the tower race in my city 40 stories climbing the stairs instead of riding to the top. On average walking on flat terrain at the average speed of 4MPH burns 100 calories per mile. Add in hills, inclines, ankle/wrist weights, and increase speed a little bit and you are boosting the calorie burn. Walking only costs are in the time it takes to do it. It doesn't require specialist equipment or shoes (although those do help with good ankle, heel, and arch support), no expensive gym membership. Pizza in my house is a healthy meal. Whole grain home made pizza dough. Organic homegrown tomatoes in the homemade sauce, soy mozzarella cheese, and veggies, soy pepperoni. Yum and nothing wrong with it nutritionally.
Maybe you should go out and educate yourself about diet and exercise. Guess what there was a college professor who lost 40lbs eating a Twinkies diet. He was eating mostly Twinkies and he started exercising. He used portion control. Never eating more than what the package said was a portion size, which is a single twinkie not the two in a single pack. His whole point in this diet was to prove that eating proper proportions and getting moderate exercise is all it takes coupled with the will power to stick to those portion size and exercise. Oh and his top exercise method was walking. Google it.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Paula
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:27 AM
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Re LW#2--------I could be wrong, but from her letter I got the impression that what bothered her most was that she feels like she is being pressured into doing something for which she feels she must then tip someone. I myself would prefer doing something myself and keeping my money in my own pocket instead of giving it to someone for a service I don't want. I hate to have someone carry my suitcase to my room in a hotel, for example. I am perfectly capable and resent tipping someone when I don't really need their service.
(Plus, I've also found I can get my cart to my car and unload my groceries myself much faster than the store help can do it. My car is small and I have a system and know how to fit lots of groceries into a small space------and I've never broken the eggs or smashed the bread as has the person unloading my groceries for me.)
She really needs to confirm with store management that she does not need to tip the staff; then she can accept or decline, and if she has to be rude to make them stop offering, so be it. (Perhaps if there was no possibility of a tip they might not be so insistent???)
Comment: #29
Posted by: jennylee
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:28 AM
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AMEN to everything jennylee said in Post #29!!!!
Comment: #30
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:45 AM
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@wkh
As a legal professional for more than 30 years, I can assure you that I know of no jurisdiction where the grocery store would be held liable for harm to children being deliberately left in vehicles by their parent or guardian, unless the harm was done to the children by an employee or agent of the store itself.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:49 AM
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As a wife of a Med school student I can shed a lot of light onto what is going on for LV1. I with my husband while he was studying for the MCAT. Parents I can tell you, so much hinges on that test. One point can make the difference in going to a tier 1 or tier 2. Which then can effect residency and ultimately a final job. That being said it can get very lonely when they are always busy study and have no time for anything. You feel like they don't care about you or your feels. The parents are feeling rejected because lets face it, in a way they are. My husband and I had to sit down and he explain to me that when I would interrupt him it could take him a half hour to an hour to get refocus. Also when he wasn't studying he would need time to just relax or decompress. This meant being alone. What we decided to do was he would make time for me each week. When he was studying I was to leave him alone, not even go into the room if I could help it and when he got to a good stopping point, he would come out and spend some time with me. It may have been only a few minutes but it was his way of showing that he loved me and care. A lot of the changes had to come from me. I had to understand that this is a huge part of his life and will effect his future. I had to not take his lack of time for me personal. The parents need to do this too. Now that he is in Med school, it is the same situation as when he was studying for the MCAT. Often we will see each other when I leave for work and when he gets home at 7 or 8 at night. I am the one supporting him so again I understand where the parents are coming from. But I offer this advice to anyone in this situation. I will be lonely at time. You will feel that you are not as important as their studying. But they do love you and they need your support. You can ask that they make time for you when they can. They are doing what is best for their life and in the long run and sometimes tests come first.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Lor
Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:06 AM
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Re: Paula
*Walking* is great exercise. Walking a cart back to the store is *not* great exercise. It could be part of an excellent exercise regimen, but in and of itself? No, sorry, it's not.
Pizza might be healthy in your house, but that ain't the norm and you know it.
Yes, you can lose weight eating twinkies if you eat few enough of them.
I'm not sure what your point is. I'm not dissing walking and I'm not dissing your pizza, or any pizza (I love greasy, cheesy pizza, but it's not a vegetable). I'm saying that pushing a cart for a minute across a parking lot and burning 10 cals in the process is not great exercise. Walk an hour up and down hills with ankle weights and that's a different story.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:59 AM
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Re: Paula, again
Let me give you another example. Earlier this morning I ran home to get something from my friend's place that is across the road from me. It was a one minute run at most. If I did that once a week it wouldn't do a darn thing. It's a 15 calorie burn, barely enough to get my heart rate up. At that point, I'm still running on the energy already stored in my cells. And to be clear, LW referred to the *EXTRA* walk being great exercise, not just walking in general.
Now, if I ran for a 20-30 minutes, 3-4 times a week, that actually would accomplish something. I would start burning straight up fat, increasing my muscle mass, and developing cardiovascular strength.
Do you get it now? I wasn't insulting whatever walking you do or that anyone does. But the idea that a single minute of walking, once or twice a week, is "great exercise" is laughable, regardless of whether she spends 6 hours a day jogging uphill with 10 lbs of wrist/ankle weights.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:10 AM
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I am going to disagree with most of you and agree with Annie in that this disrespectful student should find a way to move out on his own if he doesn't appreciate his parents enough to speak to them at the dinner table! What a BRAT! They are paying all of his expenses and letting him live at home as an adult. He can take 20 minutes at dinner (which I'm sure HE didn't cook) to speak to his parents. OMG- no wonder doctors these days have no bedside manner when they completely ignore anyone around them during their "studies". If he lived on his own he would HAVE to find time to cook, clean, do laundry etc etc. Give your poor parents some time.
Comment: #35
Posted by: kathy
Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:20 AM
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Re: kathy
Sure. And when the parents are old and are being taken care of financially and otherwise by their hardworking, doctor son, he can say "you know what? get out, you're rude" whenever they are grumpy or aren't feeling chatty.
I agree that it would be nice if son could be more outgoing. But it's studying really hard, and it's a brief phase in his life. His parents should be supportive while he is studying to be a DOCTOR. Even if that means giving him space. If he keeps being a dink after he graduates then yeah, give him crap for it, but not right now.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:50 AM
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Re: Kitty
She has to load up the infant and the groceries properly so that there is no damage, and she may be blocking the way while doing that. Not to mention that the witnesses to this may be rightfully concerned that she is not in full control, holding one squirmy and possibly screeching toddler with one hand, and trying to navigate a huge grocery cart full of heavy stuff AND a baby with the only remaining hand. Reminds me of women who respond to someone offering a seat in the bus with a string of invectives, especially 8-month pregnant women. And I've seen that. That's placing your bid for independance in the wrong place IMHO. And then, there's the leaving of the kids unattended while she returns the cart.
And Jennylee is right that she sounds more concerned about a tip she doesn't want to feel forced to pay, so yes, she should check store policy for that.
But it's a pet peeve, really. Not a big deal. I'm more concerned about the ones in the bus, because someone who is crudely turned down for what was a gratuitous gesture of consideration is likely not to offer again. I, for one, was always grateful when someone did - I must look tired, 'cause I sure don't look old! God, am I glad I don't often take the bus anymore.
And BTW, many stores now have poles preventing the cart from leaving the store area. Otherwise homeless people steal them so they have something to carry their wordly possessions in, or customers without a car push them all the way home and then just dump them anywhere without bothering to return them because they're animals. I see a lot of that where I live and many stores are starting to do something about it.
Post #31 - In a country where a robber trying to break into a house was able to successfully sue the owner of the house after falling from the roof trying to get to a window, I think it is reasonable to fear that some crazy judge somewhere would possibly see this as a receivable lawsuit.
@Paula
And you must be well below the age of menopause if you think walking and taking the stairs works for everyone.
@Lor
Great post - nothing like the voice of experience. If they don't read BTL and follow what you said, it'll be as Chris said - the kid will either give up or start studying somewhere else.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:53 AM
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@kathy, I would still disagree, and point out that this period is temporary -- he's intensely focused and probably even studying while he eats. I'm sure he is polite to them but he doesn't feel like he can afford a lot of extra time to be the chatty son he was when he was a kid and did everything according to his parents' schedules. And this is only for a few more months, probably -- only until he takes the test.
If he were living on his own, he'd probably eat take-out all the time and probably not spend a lot of time cleaning -- because studying would STILL be his priority.
Once he takes the MCATs, the pressure will be off. Do you really think its worth it for him to risk flunking on the test (and his dream) just to chit-chat more with his parents? I think perhaps you might not realize just how difficult this test can be, and how much is riding on it. He's under a lot of pressure right now, and it's too bad the LW isn't more proud and more supportive.
And I say this as a "study widower" -- my partner, Ike, is in a PhD program, and when he was studying for his qualifying exams last year he studied *every waking moment*. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the driving and we didn't even talk much then, because he even studied while I drove! It wasn't ideal but I understood this *wasn't about me* and *it wouldn't last forever*.
Same thing here with these parents, I think. For the first time, they are confronted with their *adult* child focusing on something that isn't about them. Assuming he's not being *actively* rude, like swearing at them or ordering them around like servants, then I think the LW would be much better served by being supportive, rather than needy. This may very well be the last year her son lives at home, and to have them fighting over her feeling like a neglected girlfriend rather than doing all she can to make sure he succeeds... well, again, it kind of feels to me like this is a mother who is confronted with the apron strings unraveling, and realizing that her little baby bird will soon be flying from the nest, and THAT is what she's truly having trouble dealing with.
I'm sympathetic to that, I am -- but it's a parent's lot in life. She's no longer going to be the central focus of her adult child's life, and she'd do well to start adjusting to that, and especially not do anything to make her own hurt feelings cause any trouble for him as he works so hard to fulfill his dream.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:04 PM
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LW2 - Please look at it from those employees point of view. I work as a cashier at a grocery store. There are several customers that the store owner has instructed us to call a carry out for. We don't offer, we just do. I am not going to question my boss about it. Nor am I going to ask the customer why the boss told me to do so, as it's none of my business. I know part of my job is to provide carry out for seniors, customers with small children, customers with large items or large orders etc. It's often one of my managers that provides this service, giving them a chance to interact with the customer as well. And a tip is NEVER expected. It is a service that is provided within our store, and you pay for it when you buy your groceries. And I do have to question... when you are walking that shopping cart back to the store, where are your children? I hope not in your vehicle, because even that small time is ILLEGAL in many places to leave a child alone. (Hense the offer of a carry out, to make mom's life a little easier.)
Comment: #39
Posted by: Scorn
Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:06 PM
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LW1 - Give your son a break! You are being too hard on him. Clearly you have been disappointed in him in the past (he didn't figure out until the last year of highschool what he wanted to be doing, the horror!) Now he is busting his ass working towards a HUGE goal, is likely struggling with not wanting to disappoint mom and dad again. And maybe if you respected his right to privacy, regardless of it being your home, when he goes up to his room, he wouldn't feel the need to lock himself in. He is 22, not 12. He doesn't need to tell mommy everything that is going on in his life. Give him a break, and be thankful your son is working so hard on his future. And not living in your basement playing video games, sleeping all day etc.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Scorn
Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:21 PM
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@Lise
I'm not going to continue any further in beating a dead horse, but the employees who insist on "helping" LW2 are NOT doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, they are doing it because they are employed by the store to assist customers with loading their groceries if they need it. If the customer doesn't want any help, then they should respect the customer's wishes and go help someone else or do some other work which they're paid to do. It's obvious that none of the discussion would apply if there were barriers preventing the customers from removing the carts from the front of the store, so I have no idea why this was even brought up - it doesn't apply in this case.
Just as obviously, I was referring to criminal liability when I said the store owners couldn't be held liable for the actions of the customers which would endanger their own children, NOT frivilous lawsuits. There are always judges who will award damages in civil suits when they shouldn't. I read about the one you mention, and I have no doubt the monetary verdict was overturned on appeal by the homeower. Of course, THAT wouldn't be reported because it isn't "newsworthy".
The original question was NOT whether it was a wise decision on the part of the LW to leave her children in the car while she unloaded her cart, but how to stop the store employees from doing it for her when she told them not to, and if they insisted. My answers to her questions remain unchanged. Complain to the manager if they ignore her request and do NOT tip someone for doing what she has told them she doesn't want them to do.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:28 PM
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Re LW2: I'm surprised no one has mentioned that the carts are store property. Why shouldn't they get to decide who wheels their property across their parking lot?
Comment: #42
Posted by: Girl Scout Leader
Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:16 PM
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Re: Kitty then as a legal professional you also know just because someone will lose a lawsuit and is wrong does not mean they won't launch one causing lots of bad publicity and money loss. However, I doubt that's their big issue. I'd find it obnoxious if I had staff to help someone (who were not expecting tips, and every grocery I've been in over the last 25 years has huge signs saying do not tip the baggers/handlers) and they insisted on being so pigheaded while leaving kids in the car alone. It's nice to let someone do things for you. Although I do agree with the one who pointed out that it's annoying to have someone ask to do something you don't mind doing, like taking your bag to your room in a hotel, because they want tips. I hate that too.
Comment: #43
Posted by: wkh
Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:35 PM
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Grocery stores: Asked the owner of the store son is manager of (HIS WEEKEND AS THE MANAGER OF RECORD)--he said "liability is with the cart. It is owned by the store. Child in the cart getting hurt by pinched anything, BUT the worst is when the child is not in the seat and safety belt provided to be used 100% of the time. Also, when the cart leaves the store and would be left in the parking lot, it is also liablity of it hitting and damaging someone's car."
Thus, their carts never leave their store. In addition, they disinfect their carts on a regular schedule. Unlike stores which allow them to be outdoors, and a mix of food items along with who knows what combined. Contamination happens. Ask a box store the last time their cleaned their carts.
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Once they bag your groceries, they go onto a carry out cart that has 3 shelvings, 2 adjustable so whether bag of dog food, softner pellets, etc can all have a space. They also have boxes for your groceries, if you so choose to take one of those (no cost). You get your choice of paper or plastic as well. They have classes on how to package groceries. YOU are asked if there is a preference to how you want it bagged--BUT all meat is double bagged and by itself, all bakery, eggs, fruit/vegies, etc by themselves. Your deli items are by themselves as well.
MN has very tough laws on the contamination of food product. Also, your rect being time stamped so it is assumed you know the rules of safety on refridgeration once you leave the store. Who gets deli meat/cheese/salad then leaves it in the car on a warm day while the finish shopping--shows no brains. You pick that stuff up on the way home. (I carry a cooler with a frozen water jug when shopping, even 10 minutes from the store.
A report of your food not good when you get home requires a visit from the USDA rep in the area. The condition of the food item is checked, the cooler or display must have accurate temperature documentation every so many hours, etc. All foods packaged by the store, whether deli, fresh cut meat, etc have a time stamp/date on them.
As suggested by another poster that outdates, etc are destroyed by pouring bleach on them. Sad. The day old bakery counter would be forever banished. Fresh bread 1 day should not have to be destroyed the next. Heaven knows how long it lasts at home. And when you use what they call STALE bread--croutons, dressing, bread pudding, etc need more than 1 day old products. And note, recommended VS required on labeling.
Another thing, those carts which get 'carted off' cost upward from $500 and on. Their loss on that is intended to be ZERO.
If the courtesy carry out squishes your bread or the eggs get broke, the store replaces without question. Here the stock people are also the "courtesy" as they are called when carrying out.
A mom does not have a cart to get her kids into the store and surely needs assistance if she is getting something more than a light weight item in a single bag. If she has an issue, let her walk to the end of the lot, as the carry-out walks besides her or one of the store managers who are front and center if they get busy at any point.
And the store where my son works at has no minimum requirement of how many to move through the lines in such and such time. Each customer gets the same polite concern and treatment. Kids get a cookie offered to them (providing mom says o.k.) Nothing like reaching the end cap by the counter where candy, etc sit and have a whining kid. They try to get the treat to the child before that point.
I learned I start in deli and my grandchildren get a choice of cheeses--they love baby swiss--and so with the package priced, they can snack on that if running close to meal time.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:20 PM
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Re: Zoe
I still don't think you get the point. If she burns 10 calories with that bit of walking instead of just sitting. Combined with another 10 calories again by not sitting or driving but by doing an extra bit. We soon have 20 calories. Do it again and it is 30 calories. By the end of the day just by small efforts to walk a little or not take the short cut that actually can add up to hundreds of calories a day extra burned and that is where I took offense on your attitude about her statement. For her it is a great opportunity to get in extra exercise without having to carve out a whole hour into her very busy day. Too many people don't even try because they think they can't fit in 30-45 minutes a day of exercise. But by doing those small things to get small doses in it adds up and is very beneficial. I am luck that I don't have kids at home and can dedicate time to that. I am training for a marathon and just completed my 7 mile short run for the week. Got the longer miles to do later in the week; but I respect that even small efforts can have a benefit and that is why I couldn't understand your putting down the LW2 calling it exercise.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Paula
Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:47 PM
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Re: Paula
I'm with you on this one, Paula. It's nice to hear, in this age of drive-through everything, that someone wants to stretch their limbs, if even for a moment. So what if it's not the cardio workout of the century? She never said she thought she'd lose 20 pounds during that walk--maybe all she wants is the chance to stretch her legs and breath some air. To anyone who would rather do it themselves instead of having it done for them (whatever the "it" is), I say, brava!
And if I'm behind her in line and it costs me a precious 30 seconds extra while she packs up her kids or whatever, well, I'll get through the ordeal, somehow.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Jpp
Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:20 PM
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LW3-I agree the parents are being too controlling. Mine didn't pick their battles, either. My brother once got one of those funky skater cuts that were popular in the 90s. When my mother saw it, she said, "I'm embarrassed to be seen with you!" I will never forget how hurt my brother's expression was. Let up, people, it's just hair.
LW2-OK, I understand the concern over the tip but as the mother of two young children, I don't turn down an offer of help. In turn, I offer assistance to customers who appear to need it and I work at a book store.
Comment: #47
Posted by: LibraryKat
Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:51 PM
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@Sarah Morrow:
LW3 and the Annie's are right. For goodness sake, read their response again. They are saying the same thing as LW3, so saying that the Annie's are right and LW3 is wrong is rather odd. The Annie's said that parents get to make the rules in the house. This is true. And the letter writer said the boy should be ALLOWED to decide the length of his hair - not that the parents don't have any say in it. That they should ALLOW it. You made the rules in your house, and you decided to pick your battles and you allowed your son to grow his hair long.
On a tangent, remembering the original letter, he said he wanted to grow his hair "very" long. It seemed he wanted to grow it waist length, or even longer. Growing shoulder length hair is completely normal on a man nowadays; waist length hair on a man is quite out of the ordinary, in most parts of the U.S anyway. I'll bet some of you will think I just said that waist length hair is unacceptable. But if you read exactly what I wrote, you'll see that all I said was that it's out of the ordinary.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Steve C
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:01 PM
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Re: Kitty
I will assume you and Scorn were posting at the same time. Please read his post #39 on the cashier's perspective. Others have said what he says, but his is the voice of experience and so perhaps you'll believe HIM.
(Or perhaps it's a HER! Don't know)
Comment: #49
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:03 PM
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@all comments on shopping cart issue
I'm late to respond to this question, but I agree with Kitty and wkh and the others who think it's the customer's right to decline help with the cart. The employee can OFFER (like Scorn said) but if the customer says NO then they should leave them alone. It IS illegal to leave kids in a car unsupervised, but it's not up to the store to enforce the law. I agree with whoever siad a lot of you must live in rural areas with small stores. Where I live the cashier doesn't even KNOW what happens to the cart or customer after they check out. Apparantly different rules apply in different areas (cities as opposed to rural areas with small stores and less employees).
Comment: #50
Posted by: sam
Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:00 AM
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to the poster who said that by putting the baby in the cart and arranging the bags to her satisfaction she is holding up the line. the checkout line is not an assembly line. i frequently pay by debit card and since that comes out of my checking account, i need to enter it in my check register as a check. yes, i fill out most of it while waiting in line and i don't hold up the line to do the math for the new balance but if you are so impatient, you are the one with the problem. if i were paying with cash, it would still take a few seconds to put the change away, especially if the cashier is one of those who carefully balance the coins on top of the paper.
to the posters who say it is hard to push a cart with one hand and hold a toddler with the other, perhaps she has that rare toddler who is happy to hold mom's coat and walk beside her, or maybe mom had the toddler on a harness. we don't know anything about her coping skills or her children. obviously, if she had a problem, she wouldn't be so eager to turn away help.
to the posters who assume that she is leaving her children alone while she puts the cart away, nowhere does she indicate she does that. if we're going to make assumptions, let's also assume that the nine-month old is in a bucket seat. perhaps she puts the bucket seat in the now empty cargo space on the cart and puts the toddler in the seat to bring the cart back. and while one of these trips may not be very much exercise, if she has a lot of them during the course of the day, they do add up. and by always putting the cart away herself she is instilling good habits in her children early. the baby may not know what is going on, but the toddler knows what mom is doing. and s/he likely will grow up with the good habit of putting the cart away also. many people leave their carts about in others' way and it's rude.
i guess liability varies from place to place. in new jersey, a carelessly placed cart was taken by middle schoolers on their way home from school. they pushed it up to the top of the hill and let it go rolling back down, smashing into my neighbor's car. he took the store to court, where it was thrown out.
Comment: #51
Posted by: alien07110
Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:17 AM
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@alien07110
Agree with you COMPLETELY! Also, why is everyone "assuming" that the mother is rearranging her cart and holding up the line? In my area, the cashier loads the bagged groceries in the cart regardless of whether there is a baby in the infant area, and all the customer does is push the cart out of the store. I also agree with the poster who said no one is addressing the original questions the LW had: 1. how does she stop the helpers from assisting her when she has told them she doesn't want their help? and 2. does she have to tip them if they push her into accepting help she doesnot want. Answers: 1. complain to the store manager that "no" means "no". 2. NO!
Comment: #52
Posted by: sam
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:13 AM
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Re: shopping cart
The stuff has to go on the lane to be scanned and it doesn't magically go back into the cart all by itself. It has to be put back.
Where *I* am, the cashier just pushes the items to her left after scanning, and the lane separates into two branches, so she can get started on another customer's stuff after I've paid for mine without mixing up the two orders of groceries. I have to bag it myself as there is no bagger most of the time. I am then in the way of the person behind me in if my stuff is on separation #1, or of the person in the OTHER lane if it's on separatation #2. That's for Maxi, Super-C and a number of other big outfits.
The smaller stores are even worse and the lane with the rolling carpet doesn't separate into two branches. Which means any person behind me has to wait for me to clear the place before even starting to proceed. The smaller places sometimes have baggers, but not always and when they do, they sometimes offer to take the stuff to your car if you look like you could use the help - elderly, lots of bags, pregnant woman, mother with young kids, handicapped, etc.
Definitely, I'd be holding up the line-up behind me in either places if I took my own sweet time putting stuff in the cart JUST SO, all the while attending to a baby and toddler. She should check what the tipping policy of the store is and, once reassured that it is not required, she should avail herself to it if there is help available. And she doesn't seem to mind that, it's the tip that seems to bother her.
Comment: #53
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:23 AM
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#Lise #53
Never saw or heard of a system like that in my life (70+ years). Here, the cashiers scan the items and bags each item after scanning, then puts the bags into the cart. The only thing the customer does is take the items out of the cart and put them on the belt, where the cashier picks them up and then scans and bags them. The cashier then puts the bagged items back in the customer's cart. The customer never touches them again until he or she unloads them at home. Most stores here DO have self-scanning aisles where the customers scan and bag the items themselves, but that's a whole different situation and doesn't apply in this case.
Comment: #54
Posted by: sam
Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:59 AM
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LW1: After having being roommates with several med students in college, I can attest that they do in fact, spend the majority of their time studying, it seemed like they were studying about 95% of the time. They did have some time for the occasional party, or such, but it wasn't much. THey wouldnt' answer the phone, and their parents had come over to do their chores, as they were so completely busy. So I think your son is doing the same thing - medical school is very difficult. However, if he is not even talking to you, then he may have a time management problem, or perhaps he simply needs to study harder and longer than others to get his work done. It may be more difficult for him than for others. He should find time at least once a month to go out to dinner with the family, and even eat dinner with you at home.
Comment: #55
Posted by: Salty
Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:59 AM
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Re: sam
I don't know where you hail from, but come to Montreal and you'll see it all in action. Some are laid out differently, but the system is basically the same.
@Salty
You are so right. There are some form whom good grades come easy, others for whom every one is an uphill battle. Some people are bright but have to work like slaves to earn every good grade they get.
Comment: #56
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:59 AM
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LW3: i agree that parents have to pick their battles, and some just aren't worth fighting. The problem here, as I see it, is that the parents seem to take the position that because they are the parents, then they are automatically right and the kid is automatically wrong 100 percent of the time. If that's the case, I wouldn't take much before the kid reaches the point that NOTHING he does will ever be good enough for his parents, and may feel alienated to the point that he wants nothing to do with them ever again. The possible end result is you have parents who are well into their old age or on their deathbead sorely regretting that they drove their children away with stupid pettiness, with no hope of reconciliation.
Comment: #57
Posted by: Mickey
Tue Feb 14, 2012 6:28 PM
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LW3: "How could you say some people see it as "effeminate, unprofessional or the sign of a slacker"? Others might view long hair as the mark of an artist, musician, soccer player or independent thinker."
Two problems with that statement. As an earlier poster said, they can say it because it is true that some people do see long hair that way. Second problem is that the possibilities you listed aren't necessarily considered to be good things by a lot of people, either. (My husband is a musician, and had really long hair for many years, so don't jump on me about that - I'm just saying some people see it that way.)
BUT - I don't think that this is a battle that parents should chose to fight. There are so many issues that teenager's and parents disagree on, and this is such a little thing to let the kid do. Besides, if the boy doesn't care if some people makes him look effeminate, then that's not a problem. Depending on what he chooses for a career, he might have to get it cut then because of the "unprofessional" reason (fair or not), so he should be able to have it long now while he still can.
No way do I believe the Annie's claim that LW3 and the people that responded BTL to the original letter "misunderstood their position". They are just trying to backtrack now because so many people disagreed with them.
Comment: #58
Posted by: C Meier
Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:38 AM
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@Lise 56
I live in a suburb of Washington, DC, but have lived in several areas within the US and they all operate the way I outlined in my post. Obviously they do things in a totally different way in Canada.
Comment: #59
Posted by: sam
Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:26 AM
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Re: C Meier
Yeah, they said the same thing about their "position" on sex after menopause.
Comment: #60
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:55 AM
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LW1: When I was an undergrad, I too stayed at home. But I also held a job (in restaurants) to pay my way through school. My family helped by letting me stay at home. I also had a challenging major (chemistry) and I wanted to socialize a bit - but with people my age. Fortunately, my parents had others in the house to worry about, so I was not their focus. And I think this is the problem. As he is your only child, your attention is drawn solely to him. - you think that this is about you. It's not. He's studying in a difficult field. When he does get out, it'll probably be with people his age, not his parents. So relax. If he succeeds, spend some quality time in the summer before medical school starts. But then, once more, be prepared for him to study a lot and not be responsive. If he's now living away from you, when he's at medical school, don't expect daily or even weekly e-mails or phone calls. He'll be busy. But do be supportive. Give a few extra $$ when you can. Send some food. Write a fun e-mail with updates, but don't expect a response. He will appreciate these.
LW3: I fully agree that a 14-year old boy should have fun with his hair. I've seen some start losing their hair at 17 or 18 - so let him enjoy it now while he has it! But if the parents are truly adamant that he not have long hair, all they should say is that had long hair too when they were young. That fact alone might discourage him from doing it - after all, what teen wants to do something his parents did or liked?
Comment: #61
Posted by: JJH
Thu Feb 16, 2012 12:24 PM
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