Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

lw1- Where the heck do the Annies get the idea Timothy is depressed? Yes, there is a chance Timothy is depressed, but it does not even remotely hint at such a possibility in the letter. The reason Tim thinks no one would hire him could simply be because of the stagnant job market, or because he has been looking and discovered how few jobs there are available out there (I am in the same boat... even with a college degree the job market is tough and no one is hiring hardly... especially if you have little to no experience in the field you are looking). It could also be because the experience he has is limited to the low paying field in which he is currently employed; therefore, his experience is not "marketable" to move himself into a better paying job. It is difficult. Such a thing is depressing, yes, but this does not automatically mean he suffers from depression.

Did the Annies ever stop to consider the possibility the reason he does not exercise is because he suffers from chronic fatigue from being, oh I don't know, OVERWEIGHT! It is hard to get up the energy to exercise when you are so tired from comorbid medical issues and simply being overweight. Tim would benefit more from getting an exercise buddy or joining an exercise group/club in which they hold one another accountable for exercising. They would also encourage one another and exercising in groups makes it more interesting. To eat right, he could get a referral to a dietitian or once again join a club like weight watchers or overeaters anonymous where they have accountability and a group mentality to encourage one anther to eat right. He could also be encouraged to not cook as large of an amount, put a smaller portion on his plate, and always leave food on the plate when he eats. Simply not keeping junk food in the house and fresh fruits instead will help him eat better due to the availability aspect.

Finally, I find it appalling the lw said, "He says no one would hire him. The way he looks, he is probably right." If Tim is dressing up nice for an interview (slacks, good hygiene, combed hair, fresh faced, etc), then the lw has no right to say this. Not everyone would over look a potential hiree because he is overweight, thank goodness. If Tim has low self-esteem, then perhaps it is from people like the lw.

lw2- You've got to be careful when touching strangers to get their attention. With the sue happy people nowadays, anything can be taken as assault or harrassment. It is true the lw should have requested a different seat. I am not sure what kind of concert this was, but the kind I go to it is understood the patrons will be standing and dancing, possibly moshing as well. It would have been better to request a balcony seat and then sit at the very edge where no one will be in front of the lw. This being said, the guy was out of line and probably drunk/ high. Best to take it straight to management in a situation like this.

lw3- I get hit on my creepy old guys all the time. A lot respond to my statement of being married with, "That does not matter," to which I respond, "It matters to me." I don't remember the original letter to this, but any guy should keep in mind to not increase the creepy factor when a lady turns them down and simply accept the decline to the offer gracefully.

LW1 - Jane stutters, Jack has halitosis, John complains too much, Jill licks her fingers in public and Timothy is morbidly obese. BFD. None of them is hurting anyone. Whatever happened to accepting people as they are without trying to fix them? As far as you should go is to encourage Timothy to be healthy by including him in YOUR healthy lifestyle - without being all holier than thou about it, or lecturing him about it. Chinese fondue at your place. A night of bowling. Put on some wacky music and try to do the robot. Make popcorn on the stove and put crazy toppings on it. Go explore the weird and wonderful world of teas. Don't make it about him, just have fun together and avoid the pizza parlour. If nothing helps, consider if you can accept being Timothy's friend even if he never changes and is always obese.

LW2 - It would help a LOT if we knew what kind of concert it was, how old the average attendee was, and how old you are. Honestly, you sound like an old grump. People have been standing up at concerts for many years. Obviously he wasn't the only one. Was HE supposed to sit down and be unable to see for the person in front of him? You should have asked staff for another seat explaining that your health or attitude makes you unable to stand for extended periods of time.

LW3 - I think I remember the original letter but darn it, Annies... won't you please link back to the original column or at least provide the date? Context would be lovely...

I went to a Jimmy Buffett concert where everyone stood. Luckily I did not need to see him to hear the music. However, I will never waste my money on a concert again. Drunks, mean people, rude people, selfish people, I should oay for that? NO thank you. Why don't the promoters create a "setas only" section for those who can't or would prefer not to stand? If there were such a thing, and I knew of it it advance, I might go again. Otherwise, I'll spend my heard-earned money on other things.

re: LW1/Maria:
The reason we know he's depressed is because he hates his low paying job, but won't look for another because he thinks no one would hire him. That's definitely depressed, if not necessarily clinical depressed. Then add the fact that he won't stop overeating and won't start exercising, it's pretty overwhelming circumstantial evidence that he's clinically depressed.
The advice you give about what he should do is sound, but he didn't ask for advice, the LW did, and we already know that he just gets mad when the LW gives him advice. Just mentioning that he should start looking for a job he'd like better makes him mad. So, as (almost) always, I agree with the Annnie's. Perfect advice on how to kindly steer him towards a healthier lifestyle, it may not work, but what they've suggested is pretty much the only thing and most you can do.
LW2: I agree, just don't go to concerts where people are likely to stand. Personally, I don't get that. I guess if it's amazing dance music and you just have to stand because you can't contain your body. But even then, the reason there are seats is because it sorta equalizes everyone's heights. If you're 5'2 and behind someone who's 6'4, you have at a chance of seeing parts of the stage if you're both seated, but if you both stand, you're f***ed. But what can you do, except not go, or get a seat in the first row balcony.

Re: Steve C

To me, the Annies' advice fell flat. They left out the most important bit of it: "Accept your friend, whom you claim to love, for whom he is.
Advice like "be his workout buddy!" "take him for a long walk!" is lame. Timothy is going to see right through that. And is LW1 really ready to commit to taking him on daily long walks and to make him frequent healthy meals? That's what he'll need to make a real difference. Going on a long walk and having a salad once a month isn't going to do anything.
IF LW1 feels compelled to "fix" her friend, she should do it by introducing him to the world. Don't go for a long walk - go bowling; don't make him a salad, go to the farmer's market and plan and make a lasagna from scratch. Teach a man to fish and all that.

LW1 - There really isn't much you can do. Timothy isn't stupid...he knows he's obese and knows that it's the cause of his health problems. But HE has to be the one of make the decision to do something about it. You cannot force a person to go on a diet or excercise.

Also, stop telling him he needs to excercise, eat right and look for a better job. People do not like to be told what to do. I would get angry, too, if my friends told me that stuff. If he starts complaining about his job, how about saying, "Would you like me to ask around my company and see if they're are any openings?" If he says no, let it go.

And you know what helps a lot to someone like Timothy, who seems upset? A compliment! One of them goes a long way and can make a person feel great! Something as simple as, "That color looks really good on you!" Or, if he says something funny, "Oh, Timothy, you always know how to make me laugh and brighten my day!" And when a person starts to feel good, many times they take matters into their own hands.

LW2 - People stand up and dance at most concerts. That's how it is. Next time, try to get front row or ask if there is a section where it's "sitting only."

LW1: I've been through what you are going through with a close friend. Unfortunately, we ended up losing him at age 53 to complications from diabetes

His other friends and I have talked at length about what we could have done, should have done, to save him. But the fact of the matter is, we could not have done anything. Was he depressed? I believe he was more angry: at himself, at the world, at his body. He did have a good job, until he was finally forced to go on permanent disability a few years before he died.

We did everything the Annies say, we went on walks with him, we tried to get him to eat healthier, we told him we loved him, we treated him well. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't want to change. I would go to breakfast with him, I'd order juice, he'd order an Irish coffee. We'd order salads for lunch, he'd order beef wellington for two and eat the whole thing. We'd walk places, he would take a cab and meet us there later.

I like Michelle's advice to give him compliments... by all means do that. But realize as the Annies say, that ultimately the responsibility lies within Timothy to own his life. Just make sure you don't follow in his footsteps.

PS: Zoe, in ou case it had nothing to do with judging our friend, or not accepting him for who he was. It had everything to do with us being worried about him. We loved him and losing him has left a huge hole in our lives. I miss him everyday.

LW2: I haven't been to a concert at a big venue in many years, My favorite venues are smaller ones. Even bigger bands do smaller venues (most of them prefer them). Look into seeing your bands at smaller places. If they don't play smaller venues, find bands/groups who do and buy the big names on iTunes. One of my favorite concert series where I live is held in a local winery and people can move about, drink, sit, do whatever and it's lovely. Some pretty big names have played there as well. It's all about the venue, I refuse to go to stadiums to see shows anymore. Too many rules and no personality.

LW3: Well said. By the way, creepy guys come at all ages. So do cute ones. It's all about what's in their hearts. Men at any age who only like you for your looks are creepy. At least that's how I feel!

PS: Happy Boxing Day all! Due to a freezer malfunction, I will be making Christmas dinner this afternoon :) I'll be reading here as the ham bakes!

@Nanchan; Happy Boxing Day - enjoy baking your ham today!
@Zoe - I agree w/you on some points re: LW1 but Steve C is right - he's depressed because of the comments he is making - a self-defeatist attitude. Yes, he's chronically tired (I was for 15+ years - you don't realize how much it affects you until you are out of that), and won't exercise, but talks about it, he gets angry when his friends basically encourage him to do what he's already said he wants to do. With that said; I am living this - my husband is well over 6 ft tall and well over 300 lbs. We have been married over 6 years; I am one that continually exercises - I find time even when on the road for work to do SOME kind of exercise - moreso for my mental state than losing weight. My husband knows he needs to lose weight but he WILL NOT do the one thing that would work...exercise. When we got married, HE was the one that said "let me go with you, wake me up and I'll go, too, we can do it together" I thought that was SUCH a great idea and I was more than willing - until it turned in to a battle EVERY SINGLE DAY to get him up and motivated to go - no matter how much I cajoled, complimented, gave him caffiene first. The Annie's ARE right, losing weight is a do-it-yourself job. My husband eats right (we have no junk food in the house), and he eats salads; he is on meds for diabetes, high cholestorol and high blood pressure - he reads all the ways to change that to get off the meds....and the one common thread....of course is exercise. I am the type of person that most call highly self-motivated, and when I did start exercising years ago, it was hard for me to get in to it until it became a habit - I've even shared those "tricks" I did to get through it with him...hoping it would work. Nope. I even told him I was taking more life insurance out on him hoping that would spur him - he just thinks that's funny...
As for the LW, yes, they need to accept his friend as he is and compliment him. If he begins talking about the stuff he always does, but refuses to change himself, then change the subject; if he no longer has an audience, he might decide to make changes (my husband also hates his job and I'd listen every day as he talked about how much he hated it - I got fed up and began telling him all the positives I saw in this job - any time he'd complain - he finally quit with that - yet it took years). he is looking for another job, but yes, currently the job market is tight at any level.
I know how hard this is with my husband - I live with him - a friend doesn't see as much as a spouse does (unless they live in the same house). All you really can do is be there to support him - if he really is your friend. You've voiced your concern (I continue to do so with my husband - using my previous husband as an example - heart attack at 45 and he passed away; but this is his journey/issue, mine is learning that I CANNOT change ANYONE.)
LW2: yep - go to guest services was the best thing - this is also the reason I don't go to concerts. It was great in my 20's, but now they are too loud anyway.
LW3: This was my thought exactly "The collective groan." When I was in my 20's and frequented bars I'd get hit on by the drunk "older" guys. Some were ok with that and moved on...the ones that didn't...a few got water/drinks poured on them, one guy kept asking for my phone number and I kept telling him NO. My BFF said "why didn't you just give him the wrong number to call?" I told her "why make him think he even has a chance? I'm not interested." I went to bars to socialize with friends and listen to the music - not to get picked up (I know many people do this, but it was not my thing). With that said, by the time I reached my 30's I quit the bar scene - too many other things to do in life. To the younger girls that get hit on - stand your ground, be firm, and walk away if they won't stop. To the older guys - become friends first - it's just creepy to hit on someone half your age (or less) because she's HOT (didn't I read this somewhere else already?)
To all: I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Happy Boxing Day! Today the Christmas decorations come down in our house!

I most definitely agree that Timothy is probably depressed. Depression goes along hand in hand with obesity. The feeling of not being well, being too tired, or not liking your own appearance will lead to depression. Its a relatively safe assumption, I've been there myself. Now, you sound like a good friend but nagging on Timothy is not going to work. Invite him out, I like the bowling or farm market ideas. Show him that he can change his life just by taking part. If you can get him out, maybe the desire to change can occur naturally. It has for me. But, if you are pushing him to change too hard he will interpret that as you not liking him for himself, which will lead to deeper depression. As to the job, well, the market sucks and he may be better off employed where he is until the market is better. You sound like you really care about him and please don't abandon hope. Some people have to hit the bottom before they can climb back up. It has to be his decision. Until then, just keep him from just fading into the background of life.

I'd have pushed the idiot in front of me as hard as I could and left as FAST as I could! ;) There's your money's worth.
Then I would have gone to the ticket booth and demanded my money back.
I am very bad.
SK

LW1--"He also has a terrible, self-defeating attitude." You realize 'Timothy's' terrible self-defeating attitude is the reason why he procrastinates starting a diet or exercise regimen; freshening up his resume; or seeing a good therapist. It's obvious that Timothy is depressed, has no self-esteem and probably at this stage of his life, just wants to be left alone. He not only has a terrible self-defeating attitude, he has been completely and utterly defeated already! The only way anything will change is if Timothy wakes up one day with an epiphany and decides to seek help. Perhaps your loving support will help him see himself and his life for what it could be and motivate him to change. Only when Timothy hooks up with a good therapist who will help him adjust his attitude and outlook on life, will he become motivated to start (and stick to) a diet and exercise regimen, update his resume, and make his quality of life better. There's no magic words you can say to spark this change. Timothy is the key to his own success or failure. He needs to want your help or want to change in order to be receptive to any support you offer. Otherwise, you can only stand on the wayside and watch the heartbreaking carnage unfold.

LW2--You're lucky the people in front of you were merely standing! I recently attended a concert in which people were holding their cell phones into the air video-recording the event. So many were doing this, it was difficult to see the stage. Many had to be told repeatedly to go back to their seats as they pushed and shoved their way into the aisles and towards the stage to get ever better video footage. I hate to break the news to you dear, but this is the norm at concerts today. People seem to lack basic consideration; everyone has a smart phone glued to their hand, and many people have a gross sense of self-entitlement. The confluence of these factors have produced a concert goer who will rudely stand in front of others blocking their view, blatantly record the entire event and then hours later post the footage to YouTube or FaceBook regardless of how the artist might feel about it, and then threaten to sue anyone who dares ask him or her to simply sit and enjoy the concert. My advice to you is to stay home. If you want to enjoy a concert, save the money you might spend on concert tickets to buy a big screen HD-TV. Then buy the Blue-Ray edition of your favorite bands and groups. Then you can enjoy the event in the comfort of your own home. Maybe if enough people do this, then concert venues will make it easier to remove those who don't follow the rules of basic common courtesy.

Dear LW 1: Your friend probably has early onset menopause. You should call the cops on him so they can take him to therapy. (that was a joke)

Re: Samantha Kimmel

As much fun as bad behavior is, it stops being fun if your victim has friends. That's what passive-aggressive was invented for!

I'm not an ASPD, but I do watch one on TV.

Re the concert. When I pay upwards of $80 or $100 to see a concert, I expect to be able to SEE it. It is not my problem if the people sitting in front of me are behaving inappropriately. Management or security needs to handle it, and promptly - or they need to refund your money. I was at a concert where the two people in front of me were engaged in blatant sexual conduct, and the management was very helpful in removing them from the venue. I grew up at rock concerts - and believe me - I still knew how to behave. Letters to the editor, calls to news stations, e-mails to all relevant authorities make a difference. Concert consumers........stand up for your rights!

Lw2: I was in that situation before. I was at a prince concert once, and I was the one that got up and danced. This older couple was sitting behind me and told me to sit down, which I did for a couple of minutes. Luckily, there were two girls that traded seats with them and told me if I wanted to get up and dance, I could. I thanked them profusely after the show. They said "you can't go to a prince concert and be expected to sit down.". The point is if you don't like that people get up and dance in front of you, either sit in the front row of whatever level you are in, or don't go to a rock concert.

#1LW
Buy him this book and then get out of his face
amazon.com/Gave-Low-Fat-Pounds-Revised-Expanded/dp/1592330401

LW1 - What the Annies and folks here BTL are saying is correct. You cannot make your friend do anything he doesn't want to do... yes it is possible he is depressed, in which case your criticism isn't helping.

Regardless, you sound like you're very judgmental and not a good friend if you're picking him apart in an advice column. You're also wrong that his being obese could cause him to not get a job - my husband was around the same weight as your friend at one time. He not only was able to find and keep jobs but I thought he was hot stuff (and still do). He has always had good self-care and good social skills in the workplace. I still have colleagues we worked with together at one time and with whom I still work ask me to say hi to him on a regular basis because they like him.

So here's my advice: Either shape up and act like the friend he *needs* or get out of his life, because as it stands right now, he doesn't need you to keep making him your personal fix-it project.

LW2 - Geesh, How rude of that guy. Unfortunately yes there isn't much you can do if someone blocks your view at a concert. I guess you'll have to stand up along with the rest of the crowd, or change seats as offered by the management.

LW3 - Nicely put :-)

Zoe - I agree, it would be nice if they did refer the date. I think Dear Abby and a couple other columnists do that, don't they?

The original letter from RJ ran on Nov. 14, 2011, and the way I took it, he was looking for a way to break the ice with her.

Only RJ knows his true motives, and from what I read, it doesn't state where he met the woman (be it a bar or at the library, etc.). I'd say the original advice holds: Accept the decline gracefully if she says no. I guess there must be some nerve to actually go ahead and ask her out.

And the advice this time around holds true: It's always best if it were an established friendship before proceeding to ask her out. She'd be far more likely to say yes then, but that is no guarantee. Again, if she says no, swallow the disappointment and move on. (Oh, and all that other crazy stuff about being yourself and such ... that's always good advice before starting a relationship with anyone.)

As far as the letter writer: I understand that she likely doesn't want to get picked up by an older man (much less anyone, more than likely). But I guess that's the culture of the bar scene ... you're going to get hit on and asked out, whether by a classmate your own age -- thanks, nanchan for reminding us that "creeps come in all ages" -- or someone older. Sotelling might have the best advice with what she stated: tell them no if you're not interested (nicely at first, then you have to be more firm, and vary as appropriate), and go from there.

Out of control concerts---something I am not familiar with as the ones I have gone to--people basically remember how much EVERYONE paid for their ticket to get in.

Anyway, that being said, 2 of my sons work at the WE-FEST County concert(s) which last over the 3 days in August each year. (Same as the STURGIS MOTORBIKE RALLY--so can't do both). This is 30 years celebration this year. Orderly seating for all. Special section for those groupies who want to stand and dance. VIP section for those who are SEATED up front by the stages and don't have to deal with standing crowds. Of course, you pay the difference to be where you can enjoy the same bands without behavior issues. My youngest meets/greet stars--groups, VIPs, etc. With his security background, he took it when offered. He did not go in intentionally as a higher security. By the way, he said KID ROCK was really cool.

My neighbors work/volunteer at the largest Christian rock concert that is 30 miles from here. It is the SONSHINE FESITVAL in July--31 years running. About 20,000 for the 3 day event. Outside. Rain or shine. They never have issues that are not in keeping all happy.

BUT orderly is the name of the game. I know the MINNESOTA STATE FAIR (2nd in size to TEXAS STATE FAIR) has the best concerts--seating---crowd handling issues. Again, standing areas for those who wish to jump from their seating, etc.
Anyway, contact the venue holder/management with complaints. That is the only way things get solved or changed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LW3: WHAT???? Telling the old goats that the reflection they DO see in the mirror is not what the REST OF THE WORLD SEES? Bursting their own meno--stall moment?

On the fourth of July, the city parks department puts on a fireworks show. There is a lookout of the city that is a few minutes walk from our house. One year, we got our chairs on the bridge at around noon, along with everybody else. Traffic is shut off from driving across the bridge and it's fun for everybody most years. It's a fifty foot long railing and the chairs are lined up in the street to allow people to walk in front of the people seated. But for the most part, there is an unspoken policy that people not stand in front of people who are seated.
We were sitting in our chairs behind the rail and waiting for the show to start when two middle-aged women went to the rail directly in front of us. They leaned on the rail and completely blocked our view, their backsides were literally eye-level. They were the ONLY two people at the rail and had to have known they were blocking our view before we said anything. We had placed our chairs on the bridge at noon and then arrived at the bridge around 7pm, and visited with people until the show started at ten. And out of the 80 people or so clustered around the view side of the bridge, these two women walked directly in front of us.
We didn't say anything, and there seemed to be a quiet consensus that nothing would be said. The people next to us scooted closer together and made room for us. There was some eye-rolling and "I can't believe them" looks, but no one said anything.
When walking to our home, there was a car being towed from our neighbors driveway. It was the car of the two women who stood in front us.

LW1-
"He says he'll do it when he's ready. "
That's right. He's not and he may never be, and you can only lead a horse to water. He knows what he has to do, and he just won't. And what he is really telling you is, "Boo-hoo-hoo, I'll feel sorry for my poor myself and wallow in my own misery until I kill myself with it if I want to, F*CK OFF!" This guy isn't so nice - if he had such a good heart, he'd be concerned about his friends' worry. He's not.

Yes, he very likely is very depressed, but I know from sorry experience that NOTHING can make a difference unless and until the person in need of help decides to seek it. Compliments, organised activities in the right direction, encouragement, opportinities pushed their way, threats, tears, interventions, paid retreats in rehab, fat farm, therapy or whatnot - nothing works until the person is motivated from within. Your only two options here are to accept things they way they are, or distance yourself if you cannot stand things the way they are.

Chances are that something happened way back that destroyed his self-esteem. This is what would need to be taken care of, but if he won't address it, just stop pushing, because there is nothing you can do. Trying to get someone like that to do what they need to do is like trying to push uphill a ten-ton truck with all the brakes on. When you find your magic wand, toss it my way, I sure could use it too.

Be grateful he doesn't lash out at you and use you as a scratching post for his self-hatred on top of everything else - there are some here who know how I know this.

P.S.: Annies? "Suggests he get a complete check-up"? Hello? How did you miss the part "refuses to seek medical care"?

@Maria
All your suggestions are wonderful - for someone who wants to help himself. He doesn't and therein lies the crux of the problem.

@Maria, PS
If he is depressed, and it certainly sounds like he is, chances are extremely high that he's also letting himself go and has gotten very sloppy. There may also be problems with hygiene, as the bigger you are, and the more difficult it becomes to reach certain areas... Given that Timothy seems to have become quite passive, it is possible he is more and more giving up on basic grooming.

The letter does't state all this, but chances are that the LW thought it went without saying or perhaps this was edited out. THAT may be the turn-off for the employers the LW is really talking about - seeing that, unless Timothy is 5'2'', 300 pounds is not even THAT big. We don't know his bone structure, the width of his shoulders, how muscular he naturally is even without exercise and how tall he is. I would tend to give the LW the benefit of the doubt on that one.

LW2-
Has society changed that much? Yes. The booty-shake was more than "inconsiderate", it was rude and crude and outright into-your-face provocation. And it has changed that much because of management and cops who side with them.

@Steve C
"or get a seat in the first row balcony."
And go into a gun shop and get yourself a pair of ear-mufflers of the kind rifle shooters use to bring everything down to 60 decibels, or get out of there with your ears bleeding.
(I used to cover all rock and pop shows when I was married, because my husband and I were producing a column in a weekly tabloid about the pop-rock scene. Front row is where out seats were - that's how I know this.)

@Samantha Kimmel
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do... but doing that could land you in the hospital with ten bones broken and/or in jail for assault. People fighting for the right to be wrong can be very obnoxious about it, especially when having management and the law on their side makes them bold and brazen.

@Chelle
Doesn't it feel great on the rare instances when you see poetic justice in action? (Snicker, snicker, snicker, rub hands)

LW3-
"Some relationships with a large age gap can work, but they usually require an existing friendship, rather than hitting on someone much younger because she looks hot. "
That's EXACTLY what most of us here BTL had been trying to convey.

Chelle:

Regarding your response/ancedote to LW2: I realize it may have been poetic justice to see the women's car towed away ... but perhaps enough of you were annoyed at these two women that someone could have spoken up. You outnumbered them by a considerable margin that they dare wouldn't have threatened you or come back with some rude "it's a free country" retort. Bet $100 they probably openly displayed their affection for one another, too.

Maria:

I think it would be appropriate when you're hit upon to say, I'm not interested, you dirty old man!! Just call a spade a spade.

Re: Maria

The callous, arrogant rudeness of them saying "it doesn"t matter" when you mentions you're married. I would snap back, "And I don't have a say in the matter? You schmuck, if I mentioned I'm married, it's evidently because it matters to ME!"

Why bother to be polite with total jerks who treat you like you're a hole in the wall? And this is how they expect to seduce you? Yrrrch.

I never remarked about LW1:

I've got to agree with whomever who says he's probably depressed or has something else on his mind that delays his commitment to himself, his health, etc. He probably feels trapped by his job -- he might be doing well enough, but probably not well enough to land a better job in a market where employers are seeking the absolutely best guy with a spotless record.

I don't have the answer to this one ... except the advice the Annies doled out.

I remarked about the bar culture, where young women should sometimes expect to be hit upon, be it by someone their own age or someone older. Right or wrong, it happens. Well, in LW2's case, this is the rock concert culture scene, and again, which the Annie's refer to. Right or wrong, it's how the scene has evolved. My guess is if you were so dissatisfied, then the only solution would have been to get a better seat or -- as the Annie's suggested -- go to a more sedate concert.

I realize we're also in a "sue happy" society these days, but perhaps that would have been the other option, although that's stretching it. You didn't get the enjoyment out of the show because someone else wanted to dance in front of his seat. (Although you'd lose because they could contend that you just simply didn't think the show was that good.) I guess the only other option is ... don't go or go to a venue where you can stand and move around and see.

Sweet Bobaloo, ha ha, but save your $100 because they weren't gay. At least I don't think so. And also just so you know, I did not so much as crack a smile when the two women ran screaming by us protesting their car being towed. And believe me, they had a hissy fit at the tow truck driver who gave them the "one fingered salute" as he drove away.

And Lise, I will admit I did have a certain sense of satisfaction and it was poetic justice. My husband openly grinned as we walked home and my daughter was too busy walking with her new friend to notice exactly what happened. The couple walking with us chatted about other things (we didn't know them) and we thought our daughters delight in one another was really sweet.

And Samantha Kimmel, your idea is fun to think about.

LW1 - I'm astonished no one has mentioned (if I missed it, please forgive) that this man may have a serious eating disorder, which is basically a food addiction. Just like alcoholics and addicts, "one" is never enough. The depression and the obesity fuel each other. And just as in other addictions, the addict himself must want to change. Food addiction is the cruelest kind, because you cannot abstain completely from food, so special help is needed. Again, the victim of the addiction must want it.

Chelle:

Best to keep the smile to yourself until they absolutely aren't looking. Even if they would have deserved having a "you got what was coming look," it wouldn't have been worth them bitching to you about their own rude behavior or thinking they were entitled to just any ol' parking space (and "boo hoo hoo" to the old fart that lives in the house whose driveway they parked, so they say).

One other big point about the original letter to whom LW3 responded: My sense (again) is R.J. is looking for a way to break the ice and nurse a friendship first. I don't know, but that's what I'd like to believe my sense is), and see if there is romance possible. This is in contrast to that infamous waitress-obsessed Tommy from a year ago, the puppy who wanted a chew toy (i.e., someone to have sex with and physically dominate), who wants sex now, damnit, and to hell with if it's rape or killing her to accomplish his goal. Let's see what happens to R.J. and his woman friend; I hope Tommy -- the video game-obsessed, WWE mark who can't hold a steady job more than two months even though he claims he's "good in business") is in jail, having failed to heed Annie's advice.

Re: Linda

You're right that it could be, but whatever it is that's the root of the problem with him is useless to discuss unless the man wants to help himself. He doesn't even want to seek medical care. You can only lead a horse to water. I can only feel sorry for his entourage. It's heartbreaking to witness someone you care about slowly destroy themselves. Believe me, I know.

I can definitely identify with Timothy in some respects in letter 1. I am also morbidly obese and have struggled with my weight all of my life. However, other things have always taken priority, or something derailed me when I lost weight in the past (gall bladder removal, blood clot in my left knee, etc.)

However, now that I am now in a job that I love and have gotten some other issues handled (mainly my finances), I ended up with a major wake-up call when I was traveling during this past weekend: distances I used to be able to walk without any problem before have become more laborious and I end up getting winded a lot more easily. So far, I've been lucky that I haven't had any other health problems thanks to my weight (e.g. diabetes, heart disease), but I'm living on borrowed time if I keep going the way I've been going.

As someone who has walked half a mile in Timothy's shoes, I can say that I definitely agree with the Annies. Weight loss, especially from a position of mortal obesity is the ultimate do-it-yourself project that he has to be ready for. No one else can do it for him, and if he does it due to an external motivator (in my case, pleasing a boyfriend and getting dates), chances are that any weight loss he may have will be temporary. For permanent change, the motivation has to come from within.

Re: Linda
This is exactly my problem and why I'm morbidly obese, though I don't consider myself a "victim." I made a bad choice many years ago (I think I was about 7 or 8), and developed a habit that got out of control over the years. I turn to food to get to a "comfortably numb" state of mind, similar to alcohol or drugs. However, I'm sick and tired of destroying myself like this, so I am taking steps to conquer my addiction (especially since I have resolved a lot of the issues as to why I would turn to food in the first place).
All I can do it take it one day at a time and do the best I can...but at least this time, I'm doing it for the right reasons.

LW2
You have now received important tidings for your attendance at future entertainments. Before you buy a ticket, check with the venue on the rules they apply to these situations. Some venues have segretated areas for sitting and standing. Then you will be able to choose what suits you best, and reduce your aggravation level.
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