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Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Reindeer Got Run Over by a Granny
Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for more than nine years and still have a problem with my mother-in-law. When I had a bridal shower, Mom didn't reply, didn't show up and never sent a card. This made me feel unwelcome. (She still has a picture of my husband and his ex-girlfriend on her wall.)
I told my husband that when we have a baby shower, I really want his mother to attend. After years of struggling with infertility, we received wonderful news. We are adopting a baby girl. My aunt offered to give me a baby shower, and I waited until the judge's final decision before I said yes. My husband told his mother how important it was that she be there, and that not showing up would be hurtful to me.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, our adoption case is hung up in the courts. We had the shower anyway, but my mother-in-law didn't attend, saying we don't actually have a baby yet. She said she'd visit after we get her. Again, she didn't even send a card.
Annie, it's not about a gift. It's about caring enough to be there. My in-laws only visit once a year, but they expect us to make numerous trips to their home and often make my husband feel guilty when we don't make it down for occasions that are important to them.
I can't stop feeling that my mother-in-law doesn't accept me. Should I tell her how hurt I am or let it go? — Disappointed Daughter-in-Law
Dear Disappointed: We don't know if Mom doesn't accept you, if she has difficulty traveling or if she is simply socially ignorant. But you can't fix what you don't address. After nine years of marriage, it's time to have a heart-to-heart with Mom, in person, with your husband and your father-in-law present. Do it in as loving a manner as you can manage. Don't bring up past hurts — that will put her on the defensive. Simply say how important she is to you and how much you want her to be part of your daughter's life. We hope it helps.
Dear Annie: What do we do when Granny is too old to keep driving, but won't stop? Any mention of her not getting behind the wheel is met with screaming rage.
Even though Grandma has had many near accidents, she feels she is still a competent driver and the other motorists are to blame. My whole family is afraid to ride with her. How do we get her to give up her driver's license after almost 40 years on the road? — Road Worrier
Dear Worried: Suggest that Grandma enroll in the AARP Driver Safety Course (aarp.org) as a way to brush up on her skills. Also check into alternative means of transportation, including local senior transportation, willing family members, etc. If she still won't give up her license and you believe she is a danger on the road, enlist the help of her doctor, the DMV and, if necessary, the police.
Dear Annie: Like many of your readers, I am an adult child who hadn't been in touch with my family. I didn't realize that my mom needed to hear from me.
I have three active children, work full time and am a caregiver for a family member in my home, so I am really busy. I figured if Mom wanted to talk, she'd phone. But during a recent visit, she said she hates always being the one to call and would love to hear from me once a week, even if it's only a text message to say "I love you" or "I'm thinking of you."
That was all I needed to be reminded that I'm her kiddo. She just wants to hear my voice and know how I'm doing. — Long-Distance Daughter
Dear Daughter: Bless you for getting the message that it's all about love.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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43 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2 - Or you can contact your local DMV or police and ask them to request a new diver's test for her. I wonder, though, how old "Granny" is. With 40 years on the road, and being too old to drive, she must have waited well into her 30s to get a license.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Dec 8, 2011 9:15 PM
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LW1-
"I can't stop feeling that my mother-in-law doesn't accept me. Should I tell her how hurt I am or let it go?"
No shit, Sherlock. The writing on the wall is flashing neon letters. You've already had your husband tell her how much it hurts you and she doesn't give a damn, it won't change anything that you give her the news in person.
Look. Adorable as we may be, we all have people who don't like us, who don't want to be friends, and who would gladly see us move to Tumbuktu or take a shuttle to Mars. You can't make someone love you. Deal with it and stop trying to win her over.
LW2-^
"What do we do when Granny is too old to keep driving, but won't stop? "
If you know for certain that she's indulging in dangerous driving pratices, you sic the cops on her. Only way. Talking to her doesn't help and trying to talk to her doctor won't help - unless your mother is mentally incompetent and you're her legal guardian, the doctor is not legally authorised to discuss the matter with you. I don't klnow why the Annies keep suggesting this.
But before you do anything drastic, I would suggest you examine what Granny is using the car for. If this is for something that is essential to her, I would also suggest that you be prepared to become her chauffeur. Fair is fair. You can't just take away something that is crucially important from someone, without offering something in compensation.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Dec 8, 2011 9:17 PM
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LW1 stop and think for a minute... why on earth would you want someone who treats you so terribly to be a part of your daughter's life?! Count your blessings and simply don't engage with her, but discuss with your husband how the frequent trips need to stop. I do believe young able bodied people should carry more of a burden when it comes to visiting but if she's going to be a bitch why on earth would you even want to go there?! Don't give her a pass because she's your husband's family. And frankly, if anyone should be cajoling her it should be HER SON as in your husband. His silence is speaking volumes to both of you. You should ignore her and move on with life.
Comment: #3
Posted by: wkh
Thu Dec 8, 2011 10:35 PM
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LW1 – It sounds a little like Mom is out of her *comfort zone* when visiting outside of her home; which would explain why they only visit once a year, as opposed to the numerous trips they expect you and hubby to make to visit them. You seem to have accrued quite the list as to how Mom has disappointed you over the years, but have you thought that there might be a deeper issue here, one that Mom is embarrassed about, but does not wish to discuss?
Focus on what makes you happy: your husband, your daughter, your future as a family. Let the rest go. Visit when you can; don't feel guilty when you can't. Over the next few years, you won't have the time to dwell on a situation you will never be able to change!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jenna
Thu Dec 8, 2011 11:55 PM
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LW1--Your MIL not only doesn't accept you, she flat out doesn't like you. You can either accept that fact and bide your time until the old bat keels over, or, you can humiliate yourself endlessly by going out of your way to kiss your MIL's fanny or otherwise try to get the woman to give a damn. She clearly doesn't and won't. You've already tried to extend olive branch after olive branch to no avail. Stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole.. Continue to remain cordial towards your MIL for the sake of your husband and new child but stop trying to get this ice queen to suddenly turn all warm and fuzzy. That ain't happening.
LW2--Granny may be old, but she isn't stupid. In her mind, losing her license is the first step in losing her freedom. First the car, then eventually her house, her possessions, her family and finally her friends. Sure you can go ahead and try to reason with granny, show her common sense, traffic statistics and plead your case based on sound safety concerns but my guess is your concerns will fall on deaf ears. Granny will stop driving when she is involved in a terrifying accident that leaves her hospitalized and scared out of her mind, or when you pry her car keys out of her cold dead hand.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Chris
Fri Dec 9, 2011 3:40 AM
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Wow. LW3 let me know I'm not wrong to feel the way I do. Long story short: A relative who is a long time drug addict and who has actually stolen from us and threatened me and another relative was kicked out of the family by all of us. Gradually, I noticed my sisters not contacting me much; I was doing most or almost all of the emailing or calling. Then I found out they were reestablishing contact with the drug addict. They were bringing him back into the family, which meant I had to take myself out. (He has threatened to kill me and an infant nephew, among other things.) They had a falling out, and he's out now, but they still don't keep in touch with me. When I told them I was hurt, they called me crazy and mean, said I was "attacking" them, and pushed me even farther away. All I was saying was what LW3's mother was saying. I've given up on my sisters. They are out of my life. But that's ok, because I have been finding that my friends are there for me more than I had realized before.
Comment: #6
Posted by: carolyn
Fri Dec 9, 2011 3:40 AM
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LW2: If you are reading this, please read/show this to your mother.
Earlier this week, my daughter,who is sTtarting college (has orientation TODAY) was HIT BY A CAR,IN A PARKINGLOT<BYA MAN WHO IS 80 YEARS OLD.
She was crossing the street IN A CROSSWALK but thedriver wasn't paying attention and smacked her. She is ok, but the driver had to be stopped by other onlookers because he didn't even realize he had hit her (!!!!!) Luckily, we had several witnesses.
My daughter is fine, but after speaking to the police, I am enraged. This is not the first time this man has hit people, and yet since it happened this time in a parking lot (private property), they could not cite him when he hit my daughter. The cop was outraged, because this man should not be driving at all. His judgement is impaired by age, yet he still is driving. Since he is also very wealthy, he is driving a Ferrari.
I SHUDDER to think what could have happened to my precious daughter because some old guy is too stubborn to stop driving. This has nothing to do with money: he can well afford a driver if that's what he wants. He is just too proud. He never even apologized to my daughter.
We've seen SO MANY cases of this happening: a few years ago in LA an older driver took out 20 plus people in a farmer's market in Santa Monica.
Ask your mother if she could live with herself if she was behind the wheel of a vehicle that took away a life.
Comment: #7
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Dec 9, 2011 3:46 AM
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LW1: It may be that the best you can hope for is a cool relationship with your MIL. Sure, give it another try, but don't get your expectations up. Heck, if she isn't actively bad-mouthing you or trying to break you both up, you're still doing better than a lot of people out there with their in-laws. Yes, the pic of the ex-girlfriend is a little disrespectful, but maybe she just likes the photo, or else the ex-girlfriend was a friend to her.
Just try not to put too much weight on how much attention your MIL pays to you, Jenna has it right, focus on the positive people in your life.
LW2: Yikes. Indeed, if she is that dangerous behind the wheel, get the DMV or the police involved. If she injures or kills someone due to her impaired driving, you'll never forgive yourselves for not acting sooner.
LW3: Good for you for receiving the message and responding accordingly. I'm sure she'll appreciate it!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Dec 9, 2011 3:59 AM
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LW1 - I'm sorry but the Annie's advice is horrible. They don't know if she doesn't accept you? Um...hello?!?! The woman has a picture of her son and his ex still hanging on her wall and refused to attend the bridal and baby showers. If that doesn't scream "I do not accept you," I don't know what does.
Here's the thing. She doesn't like you and never will. Stop trying to win her over because you never will. I have no doubt that you have already addressed this problem with her and nothing - obviously - has been resolved. So let her be. Don't try and be friends with her, don't answer the phone when she calls, etc. Adopt the "his mother, his problem" attitude. When they visit, let him handle entertaining them, feeding them, etc. And let HIM go and visit them by himself. Why should you subject yourself to be treated like a common criminal? I also would double think allowing your future children to have a relationship with her.
LW2 - You can call the police and her doctor, but there's not much you can do. My grandfather is 87 and can't see well and still drives. If you can believe it, his eyesight is not bad enough by the law for his license to be taken away. My mother, aunt and uncle have made phone calls to his doctor and the police but nothing has been accomplished. His eye doctor admitted that she doesn't want him driving but by law, she cannot have his license taken away because his rating is still not low enough by the state law's standards. They've talked to him and it, too, was met with anger. You have to let it go. Yes, it's scary to know they're out there driving but you have to let them be.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Dec 9, 2011 4:01 AM
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LW1: I'm sorry, but you've not convinced me that MIL is the problem here. I'm not seeing a MIL who is actively campaigning against you -- no sly digs at you, your cooking, your decorating; no "forgotten" invites to important family functions; no lies or innuendo spread to other family members; not even presents that carry a stinging message (weight-loss books, etiquette books, deodorant, an iron, etc.) I'm seeing a LW who is taking mild circumstantial evidence and blowing it out of proportion, without ever stopping to consider other, less-damning perspectives on MIL's motivation.
Why do they visit only once a year? A host of possibilities: Your home is too hot/too cold -- ALL of us in my extended family turn up the heat well before MIL visits because she will leave early rather than say she's cold. You have a cat/dog (or dust levels or mold somewhere) to which they're allergic. Back problems don't let one of them sleep anywhere comfortably except at home; or they're overweight and can't sit comfortably/safely in your chairs or on your sofa. Your neighborhood is too loud/busy/remote -- and they're uncomfortable there.
And you set your MIL up for failure if you decide that the only way she can prove she cares about you is by attending your shower or sending a card. Ever consider that your MIL might have endured a series of miscarriages years ago? She may well feel that putting too much prep into this ba by's arrival may somehow jinx things -- it's not logical, but it's not uncommon, either. There some cultures in which you don't paint the nursery or set up a crib or have a shower until the baby's born.
My advice would be to have that heart-to-heart the Annie's advice, but to do a lot more listening than talking, and to make your remarks primarily about how you're eager for your child to get to know grandparents, because you know how important they are to a kid. I'd also suggest reaching out to MIL in other ways - if you find cards important, make sure you're sending HER cards, for instance.
Comment: #10
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Dec 9, 2011 4:38 AM
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L2- I'm also wondering how old she is if she's only been driving for 40 years. Maybe she's just a bad driver and nobody noticed it before?
Comment: #11
Posted by: Renee J
Fri Dec 9, 2011 4:52 AM
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Re: hedgehog
It would also be really helpful to find a picture of her father-in-law with a previous girlfriend and display that prominently in her home. Obviously, this is something the MIL sees as a wonderfully loving gesture, so LW should emulate her, and then they can be best friends.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Shirley
Fri Dec 9, 2011 5:26 AM
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Re: Ariana I was in my 30's before I got a driver's license. I lived in NY City before that and had no need for a cor.
Comment: #13
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Fri Dec 9, 2011 5:32 AM
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LW1 - OMG! How pathetic. You think you're one of those adorablle little big eyed puppies that everyone should love. You mother-in-law does not like you. She never has. She never will. You can sit down and talk to her with all the love you can muster like the Annie's suggested and you'll either get nuthin or more info than you can handle. There are people in the world who are not going to like you. You're going to be a mom soon. Grow up.
LW2 - Explain to Granny that she is going to kill or hurt someone and face charges of vehicular manslaughter and die in prison (most likely house arrest). Take her keys from her. Let her throw a fit and get it out of her system but take her keys. Confiscate alll sets of car keys and park her car at someone else's house.
LW3 - That's a lesson I learned too. Just a quick, "Hi, I love you" does wonders.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Rick
Fri Dec 9, 2011 5:34 AM
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Re: sarah stravinska
My mom got her license when she was 26, since she had grown up in Northern NJ and always had public transportation nearby. It was only after I was born (we lived in a small city in Western NY at the time) and she needed to take me to appointments and the like that she got her license.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Janie
Fri Dec 9, 2011 5:51 AM
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RE: LW2 One of the difficult things about our parents growing older is that we often have to parent them. There comes a point when they become a danger to others that we have to suck it up and endure the screaming and the tantrums--and for the safety of innocent lives--just take away the car keys. No one wants to lose the independence that driving gives us. But as responsible children, it is our duty to remove anything that can cause harm to our loved ones and especially innocent people. My husband and I have been through this scenario before. Reasoning with our parents, driving class and a doctor's advice to stop driving did not register. We finally had to physically remove all the car keys from the house and tell the folks that their driving days were over. NO ifs ands or buts!! They screamed, called us horrible names, and threw tantrums like children. But we did NOT give in. We also spoke with and made sure that the local car dealer would not replace the keys for their vehicle. Not a pleasant experience, but it was the right thing to do. My F-I-L had gotten to the point that he couldn't tell the gas pedal from the brake and my M-I-L was legally blind. You cannot imagine how heartbreaking it was for us to do this, but we all got through it. If we couldn't take them where they needed to go, we arranged for alternate transportation. And eventually everything calmed down. Good luck with your mom. Please see to it that see stops driving one way or the other before she kills some innocent person.
Comment: #16
Posted by: beth
Fri Dec 9, 2011 5:54 AM
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Re: carolyn
Perhaps your sisters suffer from the same mental problem that has driven the relative to drug use... I would wonder why anyone normal would want anything to do with someone who is capable of uttering death threats against an infant.
@Ariana & Renee J
I myself just got my license at age 59 - there just wasn't any crucial need before. I'm still inexperienced of course, but I'm a better driver than many people I see on the road. I've avoided a number of accidents already.
What happened to nanchan's daughter happened to me exactly. I was hit on a crosswalk while I had full priority, by someone who was taking a left turn way too fast and without looking where he was going - he was too busy looking back to see if any car could possible damage his little red sports car. He too never realised he had hit someone until he heard me screaming. If I had been hit unconscious, I would have been dragged under the car. And he was young, under 30.
It's not so much age that is a factor as driving abilities, some of which can be influenced by age of course. I have known people in their 7th or 8th decade who were perfectly safe and competent drivers and others who were bad drivers all their lives - plenty of that in Quebec. It would get worse with failing vision and slowing reflexes of course. So far, the majority of the drivers I've see doing stupid, angry, reckless, dangerous things were not generally seniors. But I do believe physical testing ought to be mandatory once a year after a certain age.
But I would he hesitant to take away the transportation from someone who may need it badly. I have a friend who, at 65, is in reasonably good health except for terrible vision and worse knees. She can only take a bus because the subway has so many stairs she can't handle them with her knees. It takes her hours to get anywhere. If her eyesight allowed her to drive, having a car would make a world of difference to her. Not everybody can just switch to public transportation.
I also know that some people have a big problem with numbers and anyone past a certain age is automatically an old geezer, mentally and physically incompetent. That's why I added the qualifier "If you know for certain that she's indulging in dangerous driving pratices" in my post.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:27 AM
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RE: LW2 One of the difficult things about our parents growing older is that we often have to parent them. There comes a point when they become a danger to others that we have to suck it up and endure the screaming and the tantrums--and for the safety of innocent lives--just take away the car keys. No one wants to lose the independence that driving gives us. But as responsible children, it is our duty to remove anything that can cause harm to our loved ones and especially innocent people. My husband and I have been through this scenario before. Reasoning with our parents, driving class and a doctor's advice to stop driving did not register. We finally had to physically remove all the car keys from the house and tell the folks that their driving days were over. NO ifs ands or buts!! They screamed, called us horrible names, and threw tantrums like children. But we did NOT give in. We also spoke with and made sure that the local car dealer would not replace the keys for their vehicle. Not a pleasant experience, but it was the right thing to do. My F-I-L had gotten to the point that he couldn't tell the gas pedal from the brake and my M-I-L was legally blind. You cannot imagine how heartbreaking it was for us to do this, but we all got through it. If we couldn't take them where they needed to go, we arranged for alternate transportation. And eventually everything calmed down. Good luck with your mom. Please see to it that see stops driving one way or the other before she kills some innocent person.
Comment: #18
Posted by: beth
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:29 AM
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Re: hedgehog
Maybe MIL has a social anxiety disorder. Doesn't like to leave her home, doesn't want to attend a party...it's possible. Having it could embarrass her. However, not even sending a card is rude. So its proably a combination of things,
Comment: #19
Posted by: Kelle
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:40 AM
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Re: nanchan nanchan, first of all, thank G*d your daughter is ok. Second of all, I want to say that the old man is *not* impaired by age. He is impaired by dementia. It is *not* normal for aging people to get dementia. The reason I am belaboring this point is that we all need to learn that dementia is not just an inevitable consequence of aging. It *is* normal for people to still have all their marbles even if they live to 120. If we realize that, maybe we as a society will try harder to learn what causes dementia and thus how to stop it or cure it. In the meantime, the man who hit your daughter must be taken off the road. His family must be told what happened, and they ought to take his keys and his car away from him. I just read beth's comment. She is right on. Kudos to her and her husband for sticking to their guns.
Comment: #20
Posted by: carolyn
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:41 AM
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The tagline for today's column made me laugh right out loud. And now I'll NEVER get that song outta my head!!!
Comment: #21
Posted by: Cher
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:45 AM
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Re: Lise Brouillette It is not exactly true that a doctor cannot discuss a matter with a relative of a patient. The doctor cannot tell the relative anything, but s/he can listen to the relative's concern and then take some action. The point here is not for the relative to seek advice, but rather to give the doctor vital information that s/he needs in order to help her/his patient. Perhaps the doctor can send a letter to the DMV. I know firsthand that a doctor can and will listen to a relative; s/he just may not divulge private info back to the relative.
Comment: #22
Posted by: carolyn
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:46 AM
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Re: carolyn
Thank you for your post and kind words. This whole week has been very difficult for us for many reasons, but that episode really just made my blood run cold. Poor baby, my daughter handled it like a pro. Even though she is over 18, the police called me to tell me how wonderful and calm she had been. She was actually concerned for the man driving the car, but he acted like the whole thing was just an inconvenience. The local merchants came out of the shops to tell the police they would testify for us if we decided to sue (even the guy swinging the Salvation Army bell was mad!) because they were offended the driver didn't even ASK if my daughter was ok!!!! What a (insert profanity here).
When she got home, I immediately called my brother who is a lawyer and we decided not to sue. Sometimes, taking that action is not smart, even when people are jerks. I thought about contacting him or his family, but my brother has advised me not to, in the event that my daughter shows signs of injury later on. The police officer (officer Roger! such a guy!) however did tell me he is calling the wife of the driver, because as I said, this isn't the first time he's hit someone.
As for your point about dementia: I have relatives who are sharp as a tack at 90, 95 and yet they don't drive. why? Because, as I put in my post, they are impaired by AGE. Their reflexes aren't as fast, their vision is less than it should be. While sometimes a person IS impaired by dementia, which is not uncommon at all,any person over a certain age does have a diminished ability to respond physically in emergencies. It's a FACT. The man drivingthe car that hit my daughter may have both dementia and and age related conditions that don't allow his reflexesto respond, but I would argue that his biggest issue is that he was DWC (driving while clueles). Yes it can happen at any age, but more elderly drivers have this and they also seem to feel they are entiteled to drive. That's not reality. Driving is a priviledge, nota right.
Comment: #23
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Dec 9, 2011 7:12 AM
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Headline
What has a reindeer got to do with any of these letters? They all mention grandmothers, but the headline may as well have spoken of a wallaroo as a reindeer.
LW1
Your mother-in-law has hit you with a real green wienie, but just ignore her cold behaviour. You have a growing family to deal with now, and better that you choose to spend time with relations and friends who are caring and demonstrative.
```
Comment: #24
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Fri Dec 9, 2011 7:37 AM
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@ Sarah Stravinska, Lise B, and others
I got my license first at 18, but then didn't drive because I didn't have to - always lived in cities with great public transit (including NYC). Then, when I moved to LA, I had to take my driver's test again, and it was like starting from scratch. I got my license "for real" in my early 30s. But folks like you and I are somewhat unusual.
The reason I brought up the age is that in some states, people over a certain age are required to have a drive test to renew their license, but it's not the late 50s or early 60s. It's more like 70 or 75. In CA, there is no mandatory drive test just to renew the license, but if you are over the age of 70, you can no longer renew by mail or the Internet. You have to show up at the DMV in person. That allows a DMV employee to closely observe your coordination, hearing, and overall mental state before the license will be renewed. CA also requires a drive test for drivers over 70 who are involved in two or more accidents in a year. They need not be fatal (God forbid) or even involve injury of any sort. Two fender-benders a year, and you are going to have to retake your driver's test.
Nanchan's story send shivers down my spine. I've witnessed a similar accident a few blocks away from my home, and my children and I have been nearly hit by elderly drivers three or four times in the past two years (we live next door to an assisted living facility). For those who think that age does not affect driving, please google "George Russell Weller."
Comment: #25
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Dec 9, 2011 7:58 AM
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carolyn - don't knock dementia! My mother (age 93) has it and for the first time, she's easy to get along with. My siblings and I joke that we know our "real" mother is in there somewhere, but we like this one better.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Dec 9, 2011 7:59 AM
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Wordaday Mate - it's a takeoff on the old song "Grandpa got run over by a Reindeer" - kind of cute the first 346 times you hear it. Then it sticks to your brain like velcro.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Dec 9, 2011 8:04 AM
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LW2 - When my great-grandmother wouldn't stop driving and desperately needed to, we had to resort to sneaky measures. She was in her mid-70s, but was very ill and on many different medications, some of which specifically said not to operate a motor vehicle after ingestion. She'd been in numerous accidents, like hitting multiple cars while trying to park and had accidentally put the car in the middle of the lawn of her elderly-only apartment complex when she mistook the gas for the break. If one of her neighbors had been on the sidewalk, the results could have been awful. One of my uncles went over to park the car appropriately after a hysterical apartment complex manager called him. After he did so, he removed the spark plugs from the car. The next time Great-Grandma tried to drive, she called him (a mechanic) because the car wouldn't start. He went over and looked sadly at the engine and such for a while, then told her that the car was no longer functional. He would go over once a week for a little while and pretend to work on it, but after a couple of months, he told her that the whole <insert important car thing here> needed to be replaced. That super-important part was, naturally, ridiculously expensive, even if he bought it wholesale. During this time, she got used to depending on us for rides. Nearly the whole family lives in or near the town and there were about 10 of us who took turns driving her wherever she needed to go. All she had to do was call and one of us would come straight away. She eventually grew to enjoy it because it gave her more one-on-one interaction with her teenaged great-grandchildren. I can't promise it would work for you, and I know it hurts to lie to loved ones, but this was the best solution for our family.
Please excuse me if this posts twice, first it said my login was incorrect then it said "Incorrect Captcha."
Comment: #28
Posted by: Lyssiej
Fri Dec 9, 2011 8:06 AM
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@Michelle -- Suggesting she avoid all contact with the MIL isn't the right answer. The whole "his mother, his problem" thing just doesn't work, in the end. Why? Because what you end up doing is basically punishing your husband. Assuming that hubby has been supportive and has tried to be part of the solution rather than just staying out of it or actively being part of the problem (and LW says hubby has at least tried to help), then he doesn't deserve to be put in a crappy position, which is what "his mother, his problem" does.
@wkh -- Yes, I also believe that "able-bodied young people" have the greater responsibility for traveling to visit, but this also assumes that the in-laws are not equally able-bodied, which may or may not be the case. This also flies out the window when you have kids. It comes down to: for whom is it easier to travel. That is not ALWAYS going to be the younger people in the equation. And unless traveling really is a burden (psychological, physical, financial, whatever) for the in-laws, the travel ought to at least be something more of a two-way street than appears to be the case here.
@hedgehog -- yes, there are plenty of possible reasons the in-laws don't want to travel and/or don't want to spend time in their son's home, many of which may have nothing to do with the LW or not liking her, etc. And yes, some cultures/religions do not believe in doing baby showers before the baby's arrival (heck, I believe in China there was a time when they didn't even NAME a child until s/he had survived 30 full days). And yes, maybe MIL just really, really likes that photo of her son with his ex-GF. But really, that's a whole lot of things that have to all come together just by coincidence. Could it be the case? Well, sure -- but what are the odds? I think your post is important because I do think the LW needs to consider what she does -- and doesn't -- know about this situation and consider the fact that it may not be all about her. But honestly, it seems pretty unlikely to me that MIL doesn't like her DIL for one reason or another.
LW1 -- try to have that heart-to-heart, but as others have suggested, be prepared for that to not go so well -- and as hedgehog advised, be sure to do more listening than talking. If you don't think you're going to be able to keep this conversation from becoming a litany of "you done me wrong" then don't bother to have it. Accept that this is what it is and then work with your husband to mitigate as much as possible. Assuming your husband has been supportive, talk with him about cutting back on the visits -- trust me, once that baby comes, traveling is going to be a whole lot harder, and I suspect your husband will quickly agree to cutting back on the visits.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 9, 2011 8:25 AM
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LW1: You need therapy. There is something wrong with you. You are desperate for the approval and affection of a woman who sounds like a waste of space. Its one thing to want to be liked by the likable but the unlikable? Get therapy fast.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Diana
Fri Dec 9, 2011 9:08 AM
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To the poster whose MIL hates her. 1) You married your husband, not her; if she doesn't like you, you can't make her. Live your life and she'll come around (mine did). I went to visit and found a picture of my husband and an ex fiancee, I'd spend the entire weekend there and she refused to speak to me, she'd turn her back to me and look out the window rather than speak directly to me. I solved that by bringing projects to work on and books to read. I went for my husband. Several years into the marriage, we had financial difficulty where *I* was the sole breadwinner and I took care of her husband instead of the other way around. Once she realized that I wasn't going anywhere, she softened up. She's still not always the "warm cookie baker" type of MIL; but we have reached a guarded relationship and it gets better and better.
You can't make someone like you (or even love you); what's important to you isn't important to everyone else. Some people don't like parties and showers (I don't); and people should be allowed to do what makes them comfortable. It doesn't mean they hate you, it means they're different and you need to understand that you can't have what you want when you want it the way you want it. In short, GROW up.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Gina
Fri Dec 9, 2011 9:54 AM
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@Rick: LW1 - "...How pathetic. You think you're one of those adorablle little big eyed puppies that everyone should love..."
REALLY? Feeling pissy much today, Rick? You'll have to explain to me how it's pathetic that someone is hurt by her MOTHER IN LAW not liking her. Family, not random people. Despite being quite common it hurts, quite badly, I can tell you.
See, to take this to a personal level - I don't care if YOU don't like me. You are a random person. But if someone who is in or becomes my family feels the same, then it's going to hurt. You kind of have to have a rock for a heart to not feel anything if you're in a similar situation.
Comment: #32
Posted by: kristen
Fri Dec 9, 2011 10:18 AM
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Driving complaints.
FOR THE LAW ENGFORCEMENT: It is not that easy to get a 'bad driver' off the road BY unless there are suspected substance abuse issues. That is an immediate or if there is a medical emergency--say blood sugar issues of a diabetic. And you get severe dementia in that mix that will be addressed.
Each state has carefully dealt with this issue for many years, trying not to piss of the greater population of the voting crowd. BUT it must be dealt with. If 'grandma' has had her license for 40 years and she has driven all her life, maybe she can't be that old and I would have a word with her car insurance rep. AARP and similar programs out there will bring discounts to your insurance bill. We are State Farm and they supply FREE classes several times a year, You have to be 55 (called 55 & Alive classes). The insurance rep can also have some leverage about the sloppiness of the driving, potential accident payout, etc.
WHAT CAN HAPPEN is if YOU see someone YOU need to file a complaint and sign it. That is the PDs best way to get these drivers off the roadway. Driving complaints come into 9-1-1 or local phone and you are always asked if you are willing to sign the complaint. Many won't. But that is what it takes. It moves it to the system where checks and balances have to be verified then in court when a complaint is made and you as the citizen carry it through.
My husband would not tell my m-i-l she should not be driving. She took the city bus mostly (more like a taxi service here in our town). He was waiting for her to hit the garage wall on the way out. So one of the times at the doctor--not her usual one--we addressed her fall at home when the the doctor said OH BY THE WAY, SHE STILL DOESN'T DRIVE---RIGHIT? So he let her know her driving days were done. She was pissed. My husband left the car in her garage but took the keys home. But her regular doctors would not say anything to her.
Another time frame of questioning is every 4 years at license renewal. You have to pass the vision test as well. Many get caught at this point and are told them must see an eye doctor and then bring back the statement of driving and eye care, etc. I had to file with the dept of motor vehicle when I had lasik surgery on my eyes and no longer wore glasses AND being stopped and not wearing them would have gotten me a ticket.
NANCHAN--with your daughter's case, I would push for charges--and even a civil court would bring that as a result if you chose that in part. Conditions of the settlement--REMOVAL OF LICENSE and follow up of medical care. Much harder for him to get it back. IF EVER.
The EYE and MEDICAL DOCTORS can indeed send a letter to the state DMV and your license can be held in check until all medical testing/charting can document fit for the road. For them not doing it is them not wanting to rock the boat.
A doctor can discuss issues with family when all the proper forms have been filled out and signed. WE had POA but you don't need that. My mom had my name listed as the person to talk with if issues need be--with her doctors and her bank.
My dad's doctor told him no driving for 4 months following his open heart surgery. This went fine. A couple years down the road, simple TIAs would be happening without long term issues and then the Dr told my dad that he was not to be driving at all.
I know we all will do the same things about driving when we get to that age so make a statement NOW with family, friend, attorney, etc that when you are incapable of driving, please take the measures necessary. In your WRONG MIND, you will fight tooth and nail.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Dec 9, 2011 11:07 AM
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Thanks for a great post, Joyce.
As I mentioned, I spoke to the police officer and also to my brother, who is an attorney (he used to do personal injury law, now is in another field) immediately after the accident. My first question to the police officer was "Why wasn't he cited?" Reason: it happened on private property.
I asked my brother then if we should sue. His advice: don't. The man who hit my daughter is obviously very wealthy and we live in an upscale neighborhood, so we could really have milked this. However, that is not the way we were brought up. When we all considered the situation, we realized it could be a huge "battle of the lawyers", suck up a ton of time, and ultimately end up in no action being taken at all. We don't want the money, we want him to stop driving but my brother says that's not a lawsuit and since HE'S the professional, I trust his wisdom,
Our city is fairly small, and the police know almost everyone. for example, when I talked to the police officer, he remembered me from when I caught two burglars six years ago. they are keeping an eye out for this driver, he's driving on borrowed time. If he breaks any laws at all, those cops will have his license taken away, I'm sure of it. they are not happy about this. I just hope he doesn't have to kill someone to get that to happen.
I really hope the LW is reading these comments. It angers me that this man's family, who live with him and no doubt have to deal with other issues he has, is not as brave as Beth's family or as creative as Lyssiej's. frankly, I don't care how we get these people off the road, just get them off the road.
Comment: #34
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Dec 9, 2011 11:29 AM
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I burned two fingers during Thanksgiving dinner prep and then slammed another finger in a door, it's hard to type but I had to comment.
Lyssiej, we also had to sabotage my Grandma's car. My sister and BIL lived down the street, so my BIL would do something with the spark plugs, the distributor cap, deflate the tires, or siphon the gas tank. It was a nearly new minivan eight years ago, now it's heaping hunk of junk. But my grandma insists that she keep her car.
She hasn't renewed her drivers license in years, the tabs have been expired for four years. It's insured because my Mom fears one day everything will work and her mother will go on a joyride. When we asked her, "how will you feel if you kill someone, or run over a small child?" My grandma shrugged and insisted, "I have car insurance, it's no big deal". She's a peach alright.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Dec 9, 2011 12:43 PM
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Sabotage is a form of subversion which involves deliberate damage, interference, or disruption. For those of you who think it's cute to take it upon yourselves to sabotage an elderly person's vehicle because YOU don't think they should be driving, you should think twice. Apparently you don't realize (or maybe you don't care) that what you're doing is ILLEGAL! It's not your job to "protect the innocents" nor are you entitled to decide which legal, competent adults, specifically elderly drivers, get to drive and which ones don't. Vehicles are an expensive piece of property. Tampering with someone's vehicle is cause for civil action and could backfire and I don't mean in the literal sense. If I ever discovered that a family member tampered with my vehicle in an attempt to keep me from driving, regardless of their reasoning, I would pursue every legal action at my disposal including complete disinheritance.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Chris
Fri Dec 9, 2011 1:17 PM
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Chris:
Since you won't have any children to disinherit, let's only hope that you have someone in your life, when the time comes, that will care enough about YOU to do what some of the other posters families have done to protect not only the general population, but also these older people who shouldn't be on the road.
It would be a shame to not have you posting on this site, if someone wouldn't care enough about your health and wellbeing to save you from making a horrible mistake.
Comment: #37
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Dec 9, 2011 1:39 PM
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@Chris -- you are, of course, correct about it being against the law to sabotage someone's vehicle. And technically, you are also correct that it's not up to members of the family to determine if Granny can still drive or not. But as someone who lives in one of the retirement capitals of the U.S. and therefore must share the road with a disproportionate number of elderly drivers who shouldn't be driving, let me be the first to thank Lyssiej and Chelle for taking on that responsibility. While there certainly are any number of seniors who are still entirely capable of driving safely, there are many who are not, and unfortunately, very few people are willing to give up the car keys. But let me tell you, I would be entirely happy to run the risk of being disinherited rather than wait for my elderly grandmother to maim or kill herself and/or others.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 9, 2011 1:59 PM
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This was the best column title EVER!
Comment: #39
Posted by: R.A.
Fri Dec 9, 2011 2:47 PM
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Re: Ariana
I dunno. There are LOTS of old folks homes where I live, and the guy who hit me was not old. I'm on the road all the time, and the crazy drivers I see are mostly not old. What they are is angry and very aggressive. Just tonight, some moronic idiot just cut me off as I was signalling to change lane, as in, NO, you won't get through! I frankly don't understand this road rage thing, when someone wants to change lane, I just touch the brakes to leave him room and let him! Sheesh, man. Life is stressful enough without turning driving into a war.
nanchan, I really hope your daughter is doing well - but watch out for delayed shock. Sometimes it looks like things are settling nicely and then BAM! It happens, so be on the look-out. My sympathies for both your ordeals - I went through the same thing as her (I was severely injured), so I can relate.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 9, 2011 5:44 PM
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Re: Chelle
I really doubt there's much point in renewing her insurance just in case she goes on a joy ride. My suspicion s, the insurance isn't valid if the vehicles driven illegally. You generally insure accidents, not illegality.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Jpp
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:45 PM
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Chris @ #36, I certainly hope that when you are 89 years old, refuse to turn your head because it hurts, are comfortable changing lanes without looking, cannot make decision when you need to, are overly aggressive when you are supposed to yield, forget to change the oil, forget to fill the gas tank, and don't care if you kill someone while driving, I hope you have people around you who will take the keys away.
As a matter of fact I do not think it is cute to sabotage a persons car. But if it means doing that or attending the funeral of someone my grandmother killed, I'm going to choose to sabotage the car. It's come down to that, like it or not.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Dec 9, 2011 6:55 PM
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@ Chelle
Hon when I'm 89 years old, cars will be so automated that all I'll need to do is get in it and tell it where to go. Either that, or transporters will have been developed by that time that will beam my old bag of bones to bingo in the blink of an eye. Failing that, maybe someone will have come up with the elixir of youth and I'll be as the same vibrant stud at 89 as I was at 24. In either case, I would hope the people around me will work through legal channels instead of taking it upon themselves to remove my independence.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Chris
Sat Dec 10, 2011 10:24 AM
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