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Jumping the Relationship Gun
Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Is It Worth Opening this Can of Worms?
Dear Annie: Two years ago, my wife left me. I went to counseling immediately, and we worked hard to get back together for the sake of our children. We eventually reconciled. While I try not to dwell on the past, something still troubles me, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
A few days after "Jane" left me, I had a tearful phone conversation with my sister-in-law. She didn't go into specifics, but made it quite clear that Jane had not been faithful to me. At the time, I was devastated. I called my wife and asked if there was someone else. She insisted there wasn't. But my sister-in-law stands by her story.
I never discussed this possible affair with my pastor or my counselor, preferring instead to focus on what I needed to do to make myself a better husband and father. While I am confident that our love is now strong, I still have lingering doubts about Jane's fidelity. My sister-in-law isn't the type to make this up.
After two years, should I bring up the subject or simply keep it to myself and cope as best I can? — Not Sure
Dear Not Sure: Keeping it to yourself won't diminish your suspicions, because this is still preying on your mind after two years. It's possible that your sister-in-law misinterpreted something she heard or saw. But sometimes opening a can of worms is not worth the end result. Can you forgive an affair? If Jane insists she was faithful, will you believe her with your whole heart? Please discuss these questions with your pastor or counselor until you are at peace with your decision, whatever it is.
Dear Annie: We moved into a lovely house on a quiet street with friendly neighbors. The problem? One couple has a large dog that barks for hours on end.
"Fido" is kept in the fenced-in yard that faces our bedroom. Usually, he stands upright near their kitchen window, barking endlessly. When they come in after a night out, often as late as 2 a.m., the dog barks for several minutes and wakes us up.
After enduring this for months, we gently told the neighbors about it. They seemed genuinely surprised, but nothing changed. The next time Fido barked for three hours, we phoned them. We were told, "He's a guard dog. That's what they do." We asked if they would please bring Fido inside at night, but they refused. They won't bring the dog inside even in below-freezing weather.
We could call the neighborhood association, but I'm not sure it will help. How are we supposed to find quiet in our own home? Why are people so inconsiderate? — Noisy Dog Next Door
Dear Noisy: Please call the neighborhood association. Settling such disputes is part of its purpose. You also might discover that other neighbors have complained about this dog, which will strengthen your case should you decide to call the police and file a complaint. And finally, if the dog is being mistreated in the cold weather, notify your local humane society.
Dear Annie: "New Hampshire" said that "Workplace Dilemma" may legally be owed overtime. If "Workplace" gets a salary (as opposed to an hourly wage), she may not be entitled to overtime. Also, it depends on whether the overtime is authorized by the boss.
When I started a new administrative position, I was told that two staff members had been caught using overtime as a scam, so now all overtime was denied. They had been claiming the hours, even though their boss had not authorized it in advance. This suited me. If I came in early or stayed late, it was my decision. — California Worker
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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38 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - For the sake of your relationship, you are going to have to start seeing it in two parts: before (the separation) and after (you got back together). Obviously there were big problems in your "before" relationship, and it sounds like at least some of it was your "fault" (for lack of better term), and the notion that your wife may have cheated on you isn't ridiculous.
If you ask her whether she did she will probably answer "no" whether she did or not. By the sounds of it, your SIL didn't give you enough information to be able to name names, dates, or places, so she could easily deny it. Would you believe her if she said no?
Go forward with your new relationship and try to get over what, if anything, happened. What matters is whether you trust her now. Now that you are both working to make it work, do you trust that she is faithful and honest? Do you trust that she won't walk out the moment you two have a fight? If she as invested in the relationship as you are? If the answer to any of those questions is "no", you might want to rethink whether you two are right for each other.
LW2 - Dogs can tolerate below-freezing temperatures as long as they are healthy, it doesn't get too cold, and they have some sort of shelter from cold wind and freezing rain. Just because the dog is left out in the winter doesn't necessarily mean it's being mistreated.
That said, there's something seriously wrong with people who think they need a guard dog in a friendly neighbourhood, and that it is OK for the dog to bark for hours on end outside. Yes, bring in the neighbourhood association. That's why they are there.
LW3 - I really wish the Annies would link back to, or provide the date of, the original letters.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:14 PM
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LW1 - For the sake of your relationship, you are going to have to start seeing it in two parts: before (the separation) and after (you got back together). Obviously there were big problems in your "before" relationship, and it sounds like at least some of it was your "fault" (for lack of better term), and the notion that your wife may have cheated on you isn't ridiculous.
If you ask her whether she did she will probably answer "no" whether she did or not. By the sounds of it, your SIL didn't give you enough information to be able to name names, dates, or places, so she could easily deny it. Would you believe her if she said no?
Go forward with your new relationship and try to get over what, if anything, happened. What matters is whether you trust her now. Now that you are both working to make it work, do you trust that she is faithful and honest? Do you trust that she won't walk out the moment you two have a fight? If she as invested in the relationship as you are? If the answer to any of those questions is "no", you might want to rethink whether you two are right for each other.
LW2 - Dogs can tolerate below-freezing temperatures as long as they are healthy, it doesn't get too cold, and they have some sort of shelter from cold wind and freezing rain. Just because the dog is left out in the winter doesn't necessarily mean it's being mistreated.
That said, there's something seriously wrong with people who think they need a guard dog in a friendly neighbourhood, and that it is OK for the dog to bark for hours on end outside. Yes, bring in the neighbourhood association. That's why they are there.
LW3 - I really wish the Annies would link back to, or provide the date of, the original letters.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:14 PM
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LW2: If your other neighbors are also rudely awakened by Fido's middle-of-the-night barking, meet with them and arrange for each of them to phone those people whenever the dog barks and wakes them up. A frequent series of phone calls in the wee small hours might make them reconsider what they allow their "guard dog" to do.
Most dogs crave socialization with their owners. He may be barking because he needs attention from them. If they routinely ignore their dog's barking, how are they supposed to tell if there's a real intruder out there?
I agree - try working with the neighborhood association first, and if that gets no results, keep notifying the police until something is resolved.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Pat
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:19 PM
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The Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 is a federal statute of the United States. It established a national guaranteed 'time-and-a-half' for overtime in certain jobs. If you work in an "exempt" position you have no legal right to overtime. Some companies may pay overtime anyway, and overtime pay may require a supervisor's authorization. But if you are "non-exempt" your company is violating a federal law if they fail to pay you for your overtime.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Nick
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:26 PM
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LW1: First of all, dear LW, why have you not discussed these doubts with your counselor or pastor? You say that you didn't because you preferred to "instead to focus on what I needed to do to make myself a better husband and father", but exactly how does leaving out a major doubt from two people who should be helping you rebuild the trust in your marriage make you a better husband and father?
People cheat for many reasons (we've talked about this many times here). There are people who cheat because they fall in love, people who cheat because they are serial cheaters, people who cheat as a cry for affection and help. IF your wife cheated, you need to find out WHY. This will help you be a better husband and father.
LW2: MAN I can relate. My neighbor recently got a bull dog puppy and together with his miniature terrior, they were driving us all nuts. My bedroom and office are ten feet away from where they hang out and every morning when he'd leave for work (5am) the dogs would get going. Add to that, I have a terrior (we call her the terrorier) and it was dueling terroriers! YIKES! This went on almost all summer.
Luckily for me, I am on excellent terms with my neighbor (he's the sweetest guy) so I left him a note at his door one day asking to meet with him. I had other business to discuss with him (we had major lawn work being done and both his yard and mine were affected by the changes) and I have to say, I like him so much it was hard for me to complain about the dogs. after all, I have a dog too, but mine is in the house and not as intrusive to the public. At any rate, when I talked to him he said told me he'd had other complaints, specifically from the scary neighbor down the hill (she complains about everything). But he took action for me. I mentioned that I couldn't work in my office because the dogs were interrupting conference calls (nothing like talking to overseas developers with three dogs barking!), that my daughter and I couldn't sleep, and that the dogs were scaring the school kids walking by.
My point? You've already talked to your neighbor, probably others are affected as well. There is strength in numbers. Most associations have monthly meetings, start going to those. Talk to the people there 1:1 and see if there isn't a diplomatic way to handle this. My neighborhood is not in an association (at least not formal) but it's my understanding that these types of things are taken pretty seriously. Warn your neighbor that you will be doing this: nothing like starting a feud with a neighbor with a big dog! They jut need a push it seems from another source.
LW3: how many times have we all said that here? I think this LW is naive: CA law makes it ILLEGAL for a non-exempt worker not to be paid for overtime. the company coming up with some cockamamie story about a scam is an old ruse. You are either salaried (no overtime, or exempt) or you are paid hourly (overtime paid, or non-exempt). I'll bet if the LW leaves work an hour early they dock his/her pay: if she stays an hour later, why shouldn't they pay for that time? It seems the LW is happy, but if that situation changes, they should contact a labor attorney.
Comment: #5
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:31 PM
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The dog issue. Different parts of the country temps will bring different answers to the staying outside. Here in MN, NOT A CHANCE with the continous cold we have. You are never wrong by contacting the local humane society who will check it out. That is the 'job' of them. I say that cause that was a volunteer positon for 5 years (a few years back). Find out from the berb/city you are in what the ordinances are for dogs barking. Ours is 5 minutes sustained barking without provocation. Meaning when i let Allie out after 9 am to potty and she starts to bark, I stop her at 1 minute. She is on the leash, and won't bark unless someone is walking by on the street or some other reason will set her off. You can tell by her bark whether she is telling the dogs outside HELLO or is warning others about something going on.
The fine is $70 each time. Same price for the dog off the leash. $70 for each time, First time if you have no dog tags CURRENT, you have to come up with ID/proof of rabies and all required shots by ordinance or the dog gets those and then you pay. 10 days of not paying sends your dog over to the humane society for replacement via adoption. When we would get problem owners of repeat dogs, we would move them to the humane societies in Minneapolis (3 hrs away). Repeat offenders names are quickly passed through the network emails so all watch for the owners, they are not allowed to adopt from humane societies and vets put them on a watch list if they bring in an animal. They follow the care, shots, etc.
A guard dog--I could call Allie that too--she won't let you in the house. Will reach up and turn the deadbolt. Yep. Does not know how to use the keys but can open door handles with her paws. She also won't let you in the yard if the children are playing outside. And if it is your child playing here, she won't let you get them unless I let her know it is o.k. But it is 11:30 pm and my guard dog said she was done for the night and punched out till 5 am. She will go back to MY BED after her outing with hubby as he leaves for work. It is down to 15 degrees right now and so she runs out fast, pees, runs back in the house. Wouldn't you too if you were made to go outside???? She has the bathroom sink down pat--stands on her hind legs and watches the dog in the mirror. Open the shower door, tell her she stinks, and in she will go to wait for the water to start. Yep. A girl at heart.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:35 PM
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Letting Allie out after 9 PM to potty.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:37 PM
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LW2 - check on the ordinances in your city and call the police when the dog barks. you already talked to the neighbor, and he blew you off. Furthermore, he's an idiot. If a dog is a guard dog, and he barks, the owner should check out why he is barking and reward him for doing his job. What's the point of having an alarm or a guard dog if you ignore them when they go off? My guess is that he can tell by the tone of the dog's barking that he's not barking at an intruder but is instead barking to get in or get attention so he ignores him and the guard dog line is baloney. A more accurate statement would be, "he's a neglected dog, and that's what they do".
As for LW1, I would assume that she did cheat and then she lied about it, because cheating is another form of lying. Is it really important that she says she was physically unfaithful? If so, why? Has she acknowledged that she too was at fault in the breakdown of your marriage, and are you satisfied with her accepting of her share of the blame? Or not? Assuming you are really back together and she isn't cheating now, I would do my best to just accept that it happened and move forward in the current version of the marriage.
Comment: #8
Posted by: kai archie
Sun Dec 4, 2011 9:52 PM
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LW2 - Sadly, we're in a similar situation here in our neighborhood. The neighbor has been allowing dogs to do this for 20 years!!!! We moved in 4 years ago. By then, he'd already had 2 pairs of dogs taken away from him from Animal Control and was on his 3rd pair of dogs.
First, we tried these things (taken from the first of 4 letters that I eventually sent to Animal Control, the county sheriff and the DA's department where our loser neighbor now has a case on the court docket for disturbing the peace, noise ordinances and abusing his animals):
1. Talking to the neighbor
2. Keeping our windows closed all year around
3. Buying and installing the Super Bark Stop – an ultrasonic bark control device
4. Calling county police at all hours of the night and early morning when the dogs bark
5. Leaving voice mail messages with Animal Control at all hours of the night and early morning when the dogs bark because Animal Control is closed during those non-business hours
6. Having county police leave messages with Animal Control after they've responded to our calls and verified that the dogs have barked for 15 minutes straight in the middle of the night (after midnight and before 6am).
7. Speaking before our Homeowners Association after going door to door to speak with other neighbors and gather complaints and signatures – many neighbors are scared of the dog owner citing his history of anger, rage and disagreeableness in other incidents (not related to barking)
8. Filling out an Animal Control Statement form
9. Wearing earplugs at night – note this is fine for adults, but not for the small children or newborns who are awakened each time the dogs bark
10. Purchasing a video recorder to record the barking, by the suggestion of Animal Control
11. Purchasing loud fans to drown out the noise so we can get some sleep
12. Keeping notepads all around the house so that we can write down the times the dogs have barked – this is very inconvenient as many of us work from home and are actually trying to get other things done
In one of my letters, I asked the county if they would like our help trying to get some laws changed or passed (see my final paragraph of my post here for further explanation).
Four years later, we'd have the most success with videotaping his dogs while they're constantly barking, and when he's beaten them you can hear them yelping.
The loser has harassed the police officers so much that none of them will go there solo anymore. They will only knock on his door with another trained officer present.
The neighbors and our family who have participated in calling the cops have had dog poop left on our driveways.
We have a case in court coming up and several of us have been subpoenaed to witness.
The sad part is that the laws in our city are pretty crappy. If this loser is found guilty, the county can take his dogs away. Guess what he'll do? Get new dogs and it will start all over again. If he gets the harshest sentence, then he will not be able to get new dogs for 2 years. Then, in 2014, we will fight this battle all over again.
Comment: #9
Posted by: FAW
Sun Dec 4, 2011 10:49 PM
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Zoe - Just be careful making statements about dogs being just fine in sub-zero temperatures. Hundreds of dogs across the country die every winter even with shelters. Yes some can do just fine, the Spitz breeds in particular, but dogs without the heavy coats really should NOT be out in such temperatures. It may not hurt them once but the damage will be cumulative through a long winter. Just because they look okay doesn't mean that they are and they can't very well tell us if they're in pain. I always suggest that folks talk to the local vets and humane societies about their concerns and any laws that may be in their area concerning canine welfare. Unless your dogs are unruly I figure it's always better to err on the side with less vet bills. Of my own three dogs I have two females that have the thick coats suited for winter and they stay out until it gets into the single digits while my male is a dane mix whose coat couldn't keep a mouse warm so he comes in when it gets into the thirties and spends the nights sharing a blanket-covered couch with my cats.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Hierophantria
Sun Dec 4, 2011 10:57 PM
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Hierophantria, do you know if that's also true of cats? There's a stray cat in our neighborhood that we feed sometimes. (He leaves most of the food uneaten, so he may have a home and other folks feeding him that I don't know about.) I worry about him when it's cold (below freezing) outside. He doesn't like coming inside, and gets panicky if he does come in the door closes. I've read online that bringing a cat in when it's cold outside isn't doing him or her any favor, because it prevents them from growing a full "winter coat." If you or others have thoughts about this, or good or bad experiences that might help clarify things, I hope you'll post them, because I'm really ot sure what the best thing is to do.
Comment: #11
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Dec 4, 2011 11:32 PM
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LW1-
This is still troubling you because it was never really addressed, as it should have been back then. Now after all this time and effort to rebuild your marriage, I'm not sure it's good idea to do so. However, you do have to address it privately for yourself, otherwise this canker will continue eating at you.
You have to determine what you would do with the information if your wife was to admit that yes, back then there WAS someone else. Would this be a deal breaker, negating even now all that you've managed to rebuild? Or can you live with the idea of forgiving silently and putting this in the past with no further ado? Much of the answer to these questions rides on how your marriage is right now, and if your wife is behaving in a way that seems trustworthy and committed.
And BTW... her own sister had just left you, and the woman was pouring salt on your wounds by informing you that she'd been unfaithful. But woops, without any identifying details that would allow you to verify the information. Nice good friend you got there.
You say she isn't the kind of person who would make up stories. Yeah, well, unless you're very close to her, you have no idea what else she would do if her buttons are pushed and sibling rivalry is rearing its ugly head. Perhaps she had a score to settle with her sister that you know nothing about. Perhaps there was some unadmitted reason why she wanted to make sure the break was permanent. I would steer clear of her if I were you.
LW3-
@Zoe
I don't remember the header, but the woman was working in a small office where one worker had recently retired and another was only part-time, and there was at least one hour's worth of overtime a week even in slow time. In peak time it was like she had two jobs. Her n-i-c-e boss had decided that, because she hadn't "officially' approved the overtime, she wasn't paying for it. And yet, if the worker didn't put in the extra hours, she was being slammed for the work left undone. In other words, she was being pressured to do the work of two for the pay of one.
Many posters BTL waxed eloquent about federals rules, salaried versus hour-waged, exempt and non-exempt back then, so there isn't anything new in there for us. For the ones who only read the Annies in the paper though, it is important information..
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Dec 5, 2011 2:31 AM
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Re: sarah morrow
Even the full winter coat is not an abolute guarantee. Cats in the wild have a life expectancy of some 3-4 years, I'm told. I'm sure dying of cold is one of the thing that does them in.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Dec 5, 2011 2:34 AM
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LW1 - It sounds as if your mind is not going to rest about this until you at least discuss it with your counselor or pastor. See what they say and go from there.
LW2 - I think you should follow what kai and FAW suggested. I would also call the Humane Society when that poor dog is left out in the freezing cold. Domestic dogs were not meant to stay out in frigid temps like that. I have to wonder why people even get a dog if they're not allowed in the house?
I once called the Humane Society on former neighbors of mine. They had a new puppy and he was put on a very short leash for over 10 hours in the blazing sun (over 95 degrees) on blacktop with no shade, water or food. I brought out bowls of water for this poor dog. The neighbors were warned by the HS but they ignored them. I called the next day and the puppy was taken away. This is the same family that used to let their mentally disabled child go outside with no supervision! Bunch of idiots!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Michelle
Mon Dec 5, 2011 3:08 AM
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LW1--"I never discussed this possible affair with my pastor or my counselor, preferring instead to focus on what I needed to do to make myself a better husband and father." And that's exactly what you should continue to do. Honestly, does it really matter if you wife was unfaithful? All that matters is that your wife was unhappy enough with her marriage that she was ready to leave you. Fast forward two years, you've reconciled with your wife and the two of you are working very hard to ensure your marriage is healthy and strong. While you're still obviously torn up over the your SIL's assertion that your wife was unfaithful, the time to bring that tidbit to the fore was during counseling. Bringing it up now, after all the progress you've made, will serve no purpose than to upset the apple cart. My advice is to cherish what you have now and stop dwelling on what might have occurred in the past. Let sleeping dogs lie.
LW2--People are inconsiderate because they're selfish and believe their needs and wants supersede everyone else's. It has become obvious to me that many people own pets for purely selfish reasons instead of admitting that their dog is ill-behaved because it's neglected and poorly trained, they make excuses a la "he's a guard dog, that's what they do..." What you do is call the police each time the dog is left outdoors to bark at all hours and definitely report the matter to the Neighborhood Association. In the meantime, go on-line and research several of the available ultrasonic bark deterrents that are available. These are around $50 and work well, depending on the model you choose. You can install one on your side of the fence and it will emit frequencies that train the dog to keep it zipped.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Chris
Mon Dec 5, 2011 4:17 AM
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I'm disturbed that the Annie's printed the moronic letter number 3, about how the letter writer was "informed" that all "overtime would be denied" because some fictitious other workers had abused the privilige by having the temerity to work overtime without getting the bosses approval. The letter writer writes that they are "satisfied" with this decision by their bosses and so work overtime without overtime pay. Does this make sense to anyone? If my boss were to tell me that they'd made a decision not to pay me at all for the hours I worked because someone else, somewhere else, had once received pay for work they didn't do that would amount to my boss insisting on the right to steal my labor for no remuneration. How is allowing or insisting that the letter writer "work overtime" to, say, finish a project that the boss needs finished without paying overtime wages (or any wages) any different? Truly we are living in amazing times when the workers oppress themselves in order to do a favor to their employers. The Annie's should have reached out to an employment lawyer or government official to explain the rules about overtime and employees rather than allowing this absurd letter to take the place of reasoned argument. If the letter writer is happy to be ripped off by his employer it is a fact that is not worth much to the rest of us.
aimai
Comment: #16
Posted by: aimai
Mon Dec 5, 2011 5:04 AM
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Sorry, but a dog that barks "for three hours straight" is a dog that is in distress. It is no different than a baby crying for three hours straight. Annie's first piece of advice should have been to call the humane society, not the last. Especially if the dog is barking on its hind legs by the kitchen window, the poor thing is crying out to its owners for attention and mental stimulation, and probably physical stimulation as well. Imagine if you were locked out in a yard, ignored and neglected, for hours on end, day after day, in all weather conditions, with no one to interact with. Just imagine the boredom and loneliness. And they're wondering why the dog barks endlessly? This is a living creture, not a piece of property that you can put on a shelf and forget about. The idiocy and arrogance of the human species when it comes to animals shows we have not evolved as far as we think.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Jane
Mon Dec 5, 2011 5:21 AM
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Re: aimai
I agree. The issue I have when the annies post this type of letter is that it almost encourages OTHER people to accept inacceptable behavior as well. the employer in this case is abusing this worker, and the worker buys into it because they are vulnerable and everybody's flipped out about the economy.
I have to say, this is one part of the last three years that truthfully concerns me to my core: abuse of the American worker by companies based on fear and intimidation. Some employers have really stepped up and acted wonderfully through the challenges of the last few years, but many others have taken advantage of the downturn in the economy to stretch their workers to the limit with the threat of "you won't be able to find another job in this economy".
If the LW is reading, they should keep track of all their OT (a diary or daytimer kept away from your office is the best place). Forward all correspondence about OT to your home email or make copies. Insist that the policy is in WRTING and not a verbal policy. I would probably have a threshold for how much I would tolerate: three hours a week? Everyone is different but that averages out to about 1/2 hour a day which isn't a big deal to me, but may be for soemone who has children in day care, etc.
Also, many companies in my area are doing comp time (if you do 48 hours one week, you get a day off paid next week). One of my closest friends worked so much time that she was comped 2 weeks in a 3 month period. (!) There are ways to reward your employees even if you can't afford a lot of OT, but intimidating them and throwing stories of scams and stuff in your employees faces does NOTHINg to inspire confidence or team morale.
PS: I'm not a lawyer, LW, so please contact a labor attorney or the local Labor Board. It is my understanding that you can collect back overtime in some cases. You should be keeping records of the time you work, any correspondence, employee handbooks, etc and keep them at HOME not at the office. Since it's an office policy, you may want to see if you can contact past employees, including the ones who allegedly "scammed" the office, if you should decide to sue later on. remember, what you deem to be acceptable now, may not be acceptable tomorrow. Cover your a$$.
Comment: #18
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Dec 5, 2011 5:52 AM
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Re: aimai
"Does this make sense to anyone? "
Nope. But if the worker is happy being fleeced and throwing in unpaid volunteer work alongside the (probably) miserly paid one, there ain't nothin' anyone can do. I'll assume this is a woman - she probably thinks being so nice and devoted will earn her appreciation and eternal gratitude. She'll wake up to reality one of these days.
@Jane
I couldn't agree with you more!
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Dec 5, 2011 6:18 AM
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LW2-- there is something to get that'll help with the neighbor's dog. It worked wonders for us. Whenever a dog barks, this device emits a hypersonic sound that humans can't hear. But it's irritating to dogs. Put it right outside your bathroom window. Guess what? The dog will move to the other side of the yard to do his barking. For us, it happened to be right outside their bedroom window. Once they heard the dog barking all night long, problem was solved.
Comment: #20
Posted by: AZJIM
Mon Dec 5, 2011 6:22 AM
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Here in Sudbury, Ontario we have a noise bylaw. If your dog does ANY barking at ANY time of day it's a problem. Sometimes I let mine out during the day for a few hours but in early morning and after 9 p.m. I bring them in after they do their business. You get a registered letter from Animal control telling you that there was a complaint and if there is another complaint you get a fine. I don't know about taking the dogs away ...
Comment: #21
Posted by: melinda
Mon Dec 5, 2011 7:06 AM
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Re: Hierophantria
I didn't say dogs are fine sub-zero. I said that being outside below freezing doesn't necessarily mean mistreatment, which I stand by as being true. I don't know the breed of dog or where this person lives - maybe it's a few degrees below freezing for a few days a year, maybe it's -40 for weeks on end (like it is where I live). I just didn't want anyone to jump to conclusions. If LW1 suspects that the dog is suffering in the cold she can and should call the SPCA or her local Humane Society.
Re: sarah morrow
It depends on the temperatures, the cat's health, and what kind of foo/water it has access to. Here in Ottawa it gets to be below 40 for a couple weeks each year. Some cats make it through, others do not. Some sustain injuries to their limbs and extremities (nose, ears) from frostbite or having their tails frozen to the ground. Some can't find liquid water to drink. Cats are pretty resourceful, though, but despite this most of our ferals only live 2-4 years here in Ottawa (not all deaths due to cold, of course). However, what you read online is partly true - bringing a cat in half the time, or bringing it in for a week and then letting it go during a warm spell can disrupt its ability to cope. If you can't bring it in for good (and he will adapt to being inside if he tolerates being fed and touched currently), the best thing to do for him is to provide food, water, and shelter (in the form of a porch), and to bring him in when it's freakishly cold. My grandparents used to live in the country Nova Scotia where they had outdoor cats. It gets well below freezing there with lots of snow, but the cats made it through in great condition because they had water, food, and an insulated cat house (basically a dog house stuffed with hay).
Re: Lise B
I've seen 2-8 years as a life expectancy for feral cats, but here in the colder regions with little feral cat support it is closer to 3.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Dec 5, 2011 8:24 AM
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LW1 - You need to verbalize this concern to a trusted someone (paster, counselor, friend). Just getting the words and thoughts "out there" can be very cathartic. Then you must move on and that will be easier once you talk about it.
LW2 - Any dog who is outside barking at the kitchen window for 3 hours is miserable and has very, very stupid owners. Stop worrying out being nice and call the auhtorities. The dog should be in at night and managed during the day. A happy, well adjusted dog does not bark non stop. They all bark sporadically but this poor dog is being neglected. And seriously? Guard dog? What's he guarding? Do they have a flock of sheep too?
LW3 - There laws regarding "hourly" vs. "salaried" and "exempt" (from o.t. pay) and "non-exempt". Any of these lw's with their theories about pay need to be talking to the people that hired them and then an attorney if necessary. Not Dear Annie.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Rick
Mon Dec 5, 2011 9:05 AM
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I am getting super-irritated with the Annies for posting this labor law stuff without checking it out. A company that has a "policy" about not paying overtime (whether approved or not) is then WILLFULLY violating labor laws. If a company is found to have un-willfully done this (i.e. people working off the clock but they weren't aware of it), the company can be subject to paying 2 YEARS of back pay (including interest for all "similarly situated" employees), but if it is willful, the punishment is 3 YEARS back pay. LW3's company is putting itself at huge risk and any decent HR manager would be screaming from the rooftops about this. Past employee's bad behavior notwithstanding, a company that institutes a policy of not paying OT if it wasn't authorized is violating the law, period.
And Annies, PLEASE check this stuff out before you print it! This information is not difficult to find, I am pretty sure there is an HR Specialist readily available to you who would know the law. If not, check out the website of SHRM (Society for Human Resource Management) or the Department of Labor website, the information is there in an easy to read format so employees and employers can both protect themselves.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Melissa
Mon Dec 5, 2011 9:58 AM
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Like some other posters, I am getting super-irritated with Annies (and a few other columnists) providing moronic (as Aimai aptly put it) advice themselves or, by virtue of not commenting on a moronic letter, endorsing moronic advice from their readers (writers) - as they did with this LW3. The choice of staying up late to complete the work stops being a choice if the work is non-completable in regular working hours and if the employee will suffer negative consequences for not completing the work. In other words, yes, LW, if you fritter most of your regular working time away on getting coffee, chatting with colleagues, and surfing the web, and then you CHOOSE to stay late to complete your work, you do not deserve overtime. HOWEVER, if you are putting in your honest 8 hours of work every day, and the projects cannot be completed by the deadline anyway, and you HAVE to stay late to complete them, it is illegal for your boss not to pay for that overtime (with all the legal specifications that other posters noted). If you are satisfied with the situation, you are letting your boss/company exploit you.
I am really tired of reading work related advice along the lines of "put up with it if you want to keep your job." There are things you can put up with and there are things you can't and shouldn't put up with. Forced unpaid labor is one of them.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Ariana
Mon Dec 5, 2011 10:30 AM
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The comment about helping change animal ordinance laws. I am willing to bet your offer would be welcome. Part of the responsibility of our county HS was to help formulate and implement to passage local ordinances. We were lucky that many counties in our state had already done this and we could copy-cat and change as we needed. Sometimes wording needs updates, sometimes whole plan needs to come into updates. We needed more laws to help the HS have a bite when they had to. Since our CHAIR was also the county att, we did not have much battle to push forward and get things done. Words of inclusive or exclusive were his details. Commissioners, law enforcement reps were also on the board. Gee, County Att, Sheriff, etc sure helps and with the local PD, the city council adopted what was done for the county, making all rules the same.
SO don't think you can't be effective. Even letters to the editors of newspapers reminding that dogs barking can get them tickets, dogs running will be picked up with the potential of full charges, as well as on the books bills. Our city dog pound is a local vet clinic WITH FULL CHARGES to the pet owner. At the 10 days they will be destroyed or offered to the HS. We have the choice to take the dog, but if problems arose during this 10 day wait, they put the dog down. Again, owners are the reasons some dogs never get a chance. The other % is when the health of the animal has been neglected and no new family wants a pet which can cost hundreds of dollars of vet care. Heart worm and parvo being the 2 worst. BOTH PREVENTATIVE.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Dec 5, 2011 11:17 AM
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I think a lot of people are so scared about the economy that they are more willing than ever before to put up with poor working conditions -- like putting up with an employer who is legally obligated to pay overtime but tries to convince the employees they won't.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Dec 5, 2011 12:21 PM
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LW2
Come at this from another direction. Make some inexpensive, tasty treats for the dog. A collop of dried liver, a piece of cold pasta, a morsel of cheese. When he barks, call him over and train him to sit. A little patience and you'll have a new best friend.
```
Comment: #28
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Mon Dec 5, 2011 12:49 PM
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I had a female friend that could be the wife in this letter (in literally every aspect); and I can tell you in my expericance that in my friends case she was cheating; I was the other man. Some people simply cannot come clean about what they have done. If this man's wife is that way good luck getting the truth out of her.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Jay
Mon Dec 5, 2011 1:46 PM
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LW2 Any dog that barks for hours on end is probably miserable. Is it possible the neighbors aren't home when the dog barks? I have had a similar problem in the past and found out the neighbors were gone so much, they didn't realize their dog was lonely and needed attention.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Christine
Mon Dec 5, 2011 2:07 PM
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I hate when people do not know the differnece between a guard dog and a watch dog. A guard dog isn't going to bark, it's guarding something or someone and is trained to prevent someone from getting close. A watch dog will bark because it's WATCHING. The barking raises the alarm to the owners. When the dog barks constantly it's not watching in a protective manner. It is bored or poorly trained. I would have called the association a long time ago. Plus why do people refer to others as nice, friendly, loving, the best, etc, etc THEN bring up total inconsideration or in some cases abuse?
Comment: #31
Posted by: Cathy
Mon Dec 5, 2011 3:50 PM
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In regards to LW2:
I had a somewhat similar situation. My neighbors dog started barking for hours one Sunday morning at 7 a.m. At 9, when I got fed up with it, I walked over to talk to them. Needless to say, they werent home to hear the barking. I left them a note saying that it is extremely inconsiderate to let your dog bark 60 times/minute for hours on end, and that I would be calling in a noise complaint the next time it happened.
Two weeks later, it happened again. I filed a noise complaint. Done, and done. Problem solved. TAKE SOME ACTION!
Comment: #32
Posted by: aew
Mon Dec 5, 2011 4:26 PM
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Thanks to those of you who replied to my question about cats in cold weather.
Comment: #33
Posted by: sarah morrow
Mon Dec 5, 2011 5:14 PM
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I have had guard dogs, which is why they were inside with us when we were home. In good and not too cold weather, we had the dogs outside. If we were home(this was during the day--we never left them out at night), we would stop the barking because it was pretty annoying to us too. When they barked too much when we were not at home, the neighbors called the homeowners' association and we got a letter telling us to fix the problem. Frankly I wish the neighbors had mentioned it to us first, because we could have fixed it without involving "the authorities". I resented that they didn't come to us first. Dogs bark to warn off other critters (not just people, although my first protection dog almost never barked, he just went on alert if he thought it was a threat) or to summon the pack/alphas (once again my first protection dog saw no need to summon anyone 99.9% of the time) for what they think is a threat. I must admit I paid a whole lot more attention when my first dog barked than when the subsequent dog, then dogs (2) barked. I don't understand "guard dogs" that are always outside if the people who own them are going to ignore them when they are barking. Actually, I don't understand dogs that are outside all the time, period. I agree with the Annies on this one--you've talked to them and nothing changed. Report it to the neighborhood association and if that doesn't help, call the police and check out the noise ordinances for your neighborhood. Then warn them the next call they'll be getting is from the police if the problem persists.
Comment: #34
Posted by: CAC
Mon Dec 5, 2011 10:39 PM
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It does depend on whether the OT was approved or not. I worked with a lady who just bought a house so needed extra money. She would manufacture reasons to stay an hour or so late every day. When our boss found out about it she demanded to know specifically what co-worker was doing during these OT hours since she had no knowledge that the work could not being completed in a timely manner during regular hours, especially since this same coworker had a habit of taking extended breaks. We all were interviewed on our daily work habits and schedule and came to the conclusion that no one was ever to work OT without a supervise specifically requesting or approving it.
People take advantage, plain and simple. If LW3 wants to come in 30 minutes early then it's her prerogative. Maybe she spends that time settling in and not really working anyway. Who cares....
Comment: #35
Posted by: It's me
Tue Dec 6, 2011 1:31 PM
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In this lousy economy LW3 is lucky to HAVE a job, period. If she doesn't want it, I'll happily take it -- unpaid overtime and all!
Comment: #36
Posted by: Spikeygrrl
Tue Dec 6, 2011 1:41 PM
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Spikeygirl: that's like saying it's better to be married to a wife beater than not to have a husband at all.
The LW is enabling an abusive employer. That type of behavior needs to stop. go watch Norma Rae again..... do you really think any job is worth losing your SOUL?
Comment: #37
Posted by: nanchan
Tue Dec 6, 2011 4:05 PM
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Call the neighborhood association. Your neighbors are inconsiderate dolts. You need to tell them that although he is a guard dog, it's not acceptable for it to wake you up every night. And yes, that animal is being abused, which is probably why it barks all the time. The neighbors seem like one of those idiots who think animals don't get cold because they have fur. THey need to be brought inside when it's cold, or else they can freeze to death. Don't wait - call the humane society now, you just might save that dog's life. It's not his fault he's barking - it's the neighbors' fault. That dog probably wants to escape their clutches.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Salty
Wed Dec 7, 2011 7:15 PM
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