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Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Home Is Where the Snark Is
Dear Annie: I am a 17-year-old girl with divorced parents. My dad lives with "Heather." She is young, has three kids and is very irritating.
Heather seems to think she has to make fun of people. Her favorite targets are my mom and my father's family members. She's always touching my dad and constantly picks fights with my sister and me, and sometimes Dad, too. She is always checking the numbers he calls and texts, because she is afraid he's cheating on her.
Once, Heather told me I was no longer welcome in her house. She told my father she hates me and would appreciate it if I left him alone.
How can I tell her I don't like it when she makes fun of the people I love, and that I'd prefer it if she'd simply ignore me rather than be all nice one minute and a wicked stepmother the next? — Confused Teenager
Dear Confused: Heather sounds a little insecure about her relationship with your father, and it's unfortunate that you are on the receiving end. Right now, if you want to see your father, you'll have to put up with Heather. But you should talk to Dad about how unwelcome she makes you feel, and say you'd appreciate it if he'd ask her to keep her snarky comments about the family to herself. Such remarks are inappropriate and damaging.
Dear Annie: Recently, a dear friend and neighbor passed away. The family chose to have a get-together on Thanksgiving and invited another neighbor and me. They understood that we would spend dinner with our own families and said it would be perfectly fine if we showed up afterward. They said they'd be home all evening. The family mentioned the event several times and called to be sure we were coming. They even asked permission to use my driveway for their guests.
I had Thanksgiving dinner at my son's house. When I arrived home, there were no cars in my driveway. My neighbor said there hadn't been any cars there all day. I phoned the family twice and got voicemail. My neighbor and I rang their doorbell in case they couldn't hear the phone, but there was no answer. When the family returned home, my neighbor was outside and asked if they'd had a nice day. They said yes.
I am hurt and would like an explanation. Apparently, they changed the location and didn't inform us. I would understand if they did that or decided just to have immediate family. But a phone call telling me this would have been nice, as I left my own family dinner early. I called the family again and left a message, but still have received no response. I don't know what to make of the situation. — Kentucky
Dear Kentucky: Let's be charitable and assume the family changed the location and forgot to notify those who wouldn't also be attending their Thanksgiving dinner. When they returned to hear your messages, they were too embarrassed to call back and apologize. We hope you can forgive them. When there is a death in the family, people can sometimes be unintentionally inconsiderate.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Need School Assistance," whose second-grader was molested by a disruptive boy at his school.
As a retired school social worker, all my red flags went up when I read this. "Boyd's" behaviors are indicators of possible sexual abuse in his own home. For this young child to be suspended twice in a single semester perhaps to spend more time in a potentially abusive environment is heartbreaking. You said you hoped the school had called child welfare services to look into his home life, and I would say a call is certainly in order. — Concerned in the Midwest
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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25 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
Was Heather the "other woman' your father had an affair with and then left your mother for? That would explain why she's so afraid he'll do the same thing to HER. Heather seems immature, insecure and very selfish. I feel sorry for her three young children.
As for her attitude towards you, where is your father in this? Is he so gung-ho on her sweet, young body that he doesn't care that she's trashing his entire family? Therein lies the crux of the problem - you shouldn't be the one having to ward off the claws of Ms Bitchy.
How much time do you REALLY want to spend with him under these conditions? I suggest you think about that and then present him with your conclusions.
LW2-
This seems pretty cavalier to me, but there isn't much you can do except ask what happened. Perhaps they didn't really want you there, only invited you out of a terminal case of pathological politeness, not expecting you to cut short your celebrations and so in their mind, they were doing you no harm by pretending to be inviting you. It wouldn't be the first time I see people do crazy things like that.
LW3-
I remember that one. As in this case or any other like this, the people involved shouldn't "hope" the school called CPS, they should call them themselves. Like we say in French, you're never better served than by your own self.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Jan 2, 2012 9:37 PM
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LW1 - I agree with Lise. You are still a minor/child. You didn't ask to be born. Your father brought you into this world and has a responsibility to you and your sister. He is choosing to be with Heather. He chooses to let a new outsider into his family who verbally abuses his family. Shame on him. I hope you are in a position where you feel that you don't have to take any abuse or misery just to get a slight bit of attention from your father. I hope you realize that you don't deserve to be treated like crap and shouldn't endure it just to please your father. Tell him that if Heather can't shape up, be respectful and give you an apology that you will not be in her presence. And that if your father wants to spend time with you, he will do it without Heather around. I hope he wises up and prioritizes his children over this woman.
Comment: #2
Posted by: FAW
Tue Jan 3, 2012 12:03 AM
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LW1-Suggest that since Heather doesn't like you, why not meet away from their home? Tell him you don't want to rock the boat by pissing off his new broad.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Roger
Tue Jan 3, 2012 2:19 AM
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LW1 - I agree with Lise. I, too, am wondering where your father is in all of this. I think you should talk to your father the way Lise suggested.
Heather is very insecure about herself and her relationship with your father. Insecure people make fun of others and pick fights with others, too.
LW2 - It sounded to me like they had a lapse in judgement or are just clueless. Not sure. It doesn't sound like they did it on purpose just to hurt you and your neighbor. Either way, I would let it go. But if they invite you again, I wouldn't go and just say, "Thanks, but I have plans."
Comment: #4
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Jan 3, 2012 3:08 AM
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LW1--Heather sounds a LOT insecure about her relationship with your father. In fact, she sounds like a typical two bit hussy who breaks up a family and then sets about trying to alienate her "catch" from his family, former wife and adult children. She's a home wrecker; that's what they do. Her snide remarks are her true feelings leaking out from behind the carefully constructed facade she wears to seem normal. Taking pot-shots at her boyfriend's family and friends makes her seem important and feel special. In reality, she's immature, paranoid and possesses very little in the way of self-confidence or even self-esteem. The way you handle this sort of person is to take control and then turn their weapon against them. The next time 'Heather' tells you you're not welcome in her house turn to her and say sweetly "That's okay, I'm always welcome in my father's other girlfriend's home." Then turn on your heal and leave.
LW2--Maybe the family was so hurt that few if any mourners stopped by due to their own family celebrations that they decided to close up shop early or move the few people who did drop by to a restaurant nearby. It's too bad that Death doesn't take a holiday. If I would have been in your shoes, I would have stopped by to pay my respects before going to my relatives for Thanksgiving dinner. My advice is to not take this personally and perhaps casually mention to your neighbors that you were sorry to have missed their get-together.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Chris
Tue Jan 3, 2012 4:03 AM
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LW1: I agree with you, Chris. She is going to alienate him from his entire family and that's exactly what the potshots are designed to do. He will eventually believe them because that's all he hears. And he obviously wants to keep peace with Heather or he would have asked her to stop.
How Dad responds to his daughter's chat about Heather's remarks will determine how this relationship will proceed in the future. Sadly, all too often, a parent will appease their new romantic interest at the expense of a relationship with their child. The day will come when "Confused" will be an adult, will stand up to Heather and will then be ostracized from her father.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Wordsworth
Tue Jan 3, 2012 5:31 AM
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i agree with roger. if nothing else, dad likely has experience with clandestine meetings. if nothing else, it will drive the second wife crazy.
the very evil alien that dwells within likes chris' suggestion about the 'other' girlfriend's house, but it will likely make dad's life miserable and he may resent his daughter for causing this. not to mention that it will prove to the second wife that she is correct to not like the daughter. if i were the daughter, i would not like to give number two that satisfaction. wouldn't it be more satisfying for her dad to be able to say, 'but snuggle-bunny, she always speaks well of you. i just don't understand why you don't like her.' then again, the source of the wife's bitchiness may well be based on guilt.
Comment: #7
Posted by: alien07110
Tue Jan 3, 2012 5:36 AM
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Re: alien07110-my apologies to dad. nowhere in the daughter's letter does she mention dad cheated. i think i got that idea from the question lise asked and i remembered it incorrectly in my post. apologies to dad and to lise for misconstruing things.
Comment: #8
Posted by: alien07110
Tue Jan 3, 2012 5:42 AM
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alien: it also does not say that the dad and Heather are married.
I wonder how much younger she is than dad; Lise is probably right, he won't stand up to her because she sleeps with him. I feel sorry for the daughter, what a lousy situation. I guess the best thing is to see dad without Heather, if he is willing and able. If that causes him trouble when he gets back home, that will be HIS problem, not the daughter's.
Comment: #9
Posted by: jar8818
Tue Jan 3, 2012 6:05 AM
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@Very Evil Alien
"That's okay, I'm always welcome in my father's other girlfriend's home."
Very evil Lise thinks she LIKES it! Bitchy, but deserved, by both of them. And so what, if it makes daddy's life miserable? He has no problem allowing his flesh and blood being made miserable by his main squeeze.
Daughter might want to try out a normal conversation about the situation with wimpy dad first, and see where she stands. She'll see if she needs to resort to Very Evil Chris' one-liner. If nothing comes out of a normal talk, then this is not fixable and so why spare him? He already made his choice, she might as well get her jollies.
No, the LW doesn't mention anything about dad cheating but, given the entire situation, it is extremely likely, especially considering Heather is always checking his phone records and texts. The fact that she's always "afraid he's cheating on her" is not a sure indication... but it sure is a hint. This insecurity is coming from somewhere.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Jan 3, 2012 6:16 AM
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Re: jar8818
I have a feeling this will not last 40 years. Dad may be sorry he burned all his bridges when Heather pulls the same number of him he probably pulled on his wife, and dumps him for someone younger.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Jan 3, 2012 6:21 AM
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The irony here is that eventually the relationship with ms young will wear out, and it almost assuredly will and dad's relationship with everyone else will be trashed. I wonder if it will have been worth it for a young piece of ass for a little while?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Kim
Tue Jan 3, 2012 7:07 AM
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Re LW#1------She does not really indicate that she has discussed anything about the problem with her father, although she says Heather told her dad that she hates the LW. Can't tell whether Dad passed this on to her or she was present when it was said.
In any case, what she really needs to do is to have a discussion with her dad about what has been said to her and how it makes her feel, and ask that he either put a stop to it or meet with her someplace away from Heather, if he is willing. If he isn't, then she has pretty much lost her dad, at least for the time being. It's too bad, but she is not going to be able to get Heather to discuss the problem rationally with her or change her behavior. Heather doesn't like her and wants her to go away.
Once Dad is aware of the problem, then everything falls on his shoulders. It sounds like Dad has probably made his choice, at least for now. If it's any consolation, that relationship is bound to fail.
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Re LW#2-------I would probably give them a pass on this just due to the fact there has been a recent loss in that family and perhaps the family's mind is not on minor details. I remember when my husband died that I neglected a lot of stuff that I normally would not have, my mind was not on stuff like get-togethers of my family/friends/neighbors. I probably offended some people and never knew it.
If there are regular get-togethers with these people and stuff like this keeps happening, then they need to be written off as undependable.
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Re LW#3------I know that if my child were ever molested in a situation like this, I personally would be notifying everyone, not just the school. I would go to the school, the police, child welfare services--------anything I could do to make sure nothing got swept under the rug. Probably not the child's family, but everyone else I could think of.
Comment: #13
Posted by: jennylee
Tue Jan 3, 2012 8:12 AM
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If this Heather is just someone that your dad moved in with---why are you calling her your STEPMOTHER? She is just a current landing place for your father. Unless your father decides to marry her--bet there will be a holding pattern on that---
You don't say how long your parents were divorced/married. Or if this is just the first of shack up times with a warm bed.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Tue Jan 3, 2012 8:32 AM
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The next time Heather starts in on one of her snarkfests, just ask her (in your best confused, I don't understand expression and voice), "Heather, why are you saying such nasty things about [fill in the blank with the appropriate name]? [Fill in the blank with the appropriate name] never says such ugly things about YOU."
Oh, and ask your dad, (again in your best confused, I don't understand expression and voice), why she's always doing that, you don't say such ugly, nasty things to her.
And do it EVERY time. If nothing else, it'll bug the ever-lovin' out of her.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Pat Lang
Tue Jan 3, 2012 8:57 AM
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The next time Heather starts in on one of her snarkfests, just ask her (in your best confused, I don't understand expression and voice), "Heather, why are you saying such nasty things about [fill in the blank with the appropriate name]? [Fill in the blank with the appropriate name] never says such ugly things about YOU."
Oh, and ask your dad, (again in your best confused, I don't understand expression and voice), why she's always doing that, you don't say such ugly, nasty things to her.
And do it EVERY time. If nothing else, it'll bug the ever-lovin' out of her.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Pat Lang
Tue Jan 3, 2012 9:14 AM
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Re "That's okay, I'm always welcome in my father's other girlfriend's home." LOL - this appeals to many of us! I would have loved to have made a comment like this to my father's wife. BUT, it won't just cause resentment from the father towards the daughter. It will muddy the waters and put both the gf and the daughter equally in the wrong - at least in dad's eyes. GF already has complaints against the poor girl (and considering her age some are probably valid...valid meaning that at that age you can be annoying, have attitude.) No need to give her any real ammunition.
@LISA - you said "And so what, if it makes daddy's life miserable?" The so what is that the daughter loves her father, wants a relationship with him, and wants to feel loved/important to him. When you go out of your way to make someone's life miserable it always gets in the way of your true desire. I speak of this from experience - a young teenager who grew up in a volatile environment, parents divorced...my dad disappeared for the most part when I was a young teenager. I was troubled just enough that I didn't care at that time because it gave me more time with my friends. Took a while to realize just how much I needed my dad's love and guidance during the time in my life. I would have been better off had I been able to recognize it then and ask my dad for what I needed. This LW has that chance, seeing how she is aware enough to be writing in about her problem.
Comment: #17
Posted by: kristen
Tue Jan 3, 2012 9:52 AM
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Confused Teenager is unlikely to be able to pull of any of our excellent suggestions. She can't be expected to have an adult's maturity, experience, and survival skills -- unless she's a Mean Girl, like Heather. The dad apparently lives in Heather's house, so it's hard for him to set the rules.
On the other hand, I do hope that Confused Teenager has a sympathetic adult to consult, and perhaps that adult could intervene and talk to dad.
Of all the advice, I favor asking dad to meet the girls elsewhere, such as the home of a relative or a restaurant. This may be impractical if there's an arrangement in place where he has to take the girls for the entire weekend, but even so, some dad-daughter time away from Heather seems healthy.
This is really sad. The rug was pulled from under the girls because of the divorce, and now dad is not fully supportive. These girls are going to turn elsewhere for full acceptance -- perhaps to premature and/or dysfunctional romantic relationships.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Claude
Tue Jan 3, 2012 10:02 AM
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LW1: Hon, keep your distance from Heather. If you and your sib(s) can meet Dad away from her house, do so. Otherwise, just do not react at all when she makes fun of your mom or other relatives. She's attempting to goad you into saying something that will justify even worse treatment of you (and if you tell her you'd prefer to be ignored, you can bet she will ramp up the split personality treatment).
She has more power than you do at the moment. It won't always be so -- when you are 18, you will have more say in how you conduct your relationship with your father -- you'll be able to decline visiting with Dad at Heather's home and insist that if he wants to see you, he can do it where no one disparages you.
I'd be VERY careful about talking to him about Heather -- I think the Annies were irresponsible to suggest you do so when it's extremely likely to backfire on you. Yes, Dad should leap to your defense, but given who he's infatuated with, and his track record so far of bringing you into this situation, it's much more likely that he'll pat you on the head and say something like "That's just Heather's way of teasing -- don't pay her any mind. She told me how much she likes you!"
Comment: #19
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Jan 3, 2012 11:00 AM
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Re: kristen
Of course, and I'm aware of that. I meant, once it becomes clear that there is nothing to lose anyway.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Jan 3, 2012 8:54 PM
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@Lise: I reread your post and saw that I didn't quite read it thoroughly, so my apologies. Still, my point of view comes from not having my father in my life, and only realizing just what it means as I've gotten older. I would hate for anyone to set into play without realizing the consequences, which you really only realize later on in life. That said, if Dad is failing his daughter by allowing chickie to act this way, HE is the one that is setting it into play, and she is going to resent him regardless. It's really sad and I hope that Dad figures it out before he does irreparable harm.
Comment: #21
Posted by: kristen
Tue Jan 3, 2012 9:23 PM
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Regarding LW1: I think that some of these comments are spot on. The father may have had a track record of cheating and Heather may have been one of those women he cheated with. But once Heather became the main squeeze and came on the other side of the fence, she developed insecurity.
It may also be that with her own 3 children, Heather may be resentful of LW1's father. Perhaps she finds him as a burden (especially when he cannot even be reliable in the department of trust). Heather is probably trying to convince herself that the deal that she has got (LW1's father) is worthwhile / worth her time and energy. Hence her touching him too much and trying to alienate everyone else. This shows her uncertainty and lack of trust in LW1's father.
Also, Heather's own 3 children (not sure how old they are.......) may have their own opinion about LW1's father.
Maybe the bloom is off the rose already (for Heather and LW1's father, and Heather senses this and suspects that LW1's father may be looking elsewhere.)
In any case, it looks to me that LW1's father is sandwiched between wanting to please Heather and trying hard to convince her that he is not cheating on her (at least until he finds another woman; because Heather is now his life support) VERSUS his love for his own children.
It is a good idea for LW1 to keep in touch with her father separately, but she will need to also realize that there may emerge Heather #1, 2, 3, ...., etc., as time goes on. LW1 could tell her father what she feels about Heather, but should also learn that her father will be limited in his abilities to give love to LW1, because of his own poor choices in life (as above). Sad that LW1's childhood will be kind of cut short. However, this understanding could help LW1 not expect much from her father, and thus help avoid repeated disappointments in her own life in the context of her father's current (and upcoming) girlfriends.
Comment: #22
Posted by: E
Tue Jan 3, 2012 11:35 PM
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Re: kristen
And *I* come from having a father who didn't want me, so you know... I know exactly how much the LW may be craving her father's love. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to be caring, or even sensible. If the only time daddy-o can "man-up" is when he's pumping his shrewish piece of ass, the only thing I can say is that there will be a time of reckoning at one point. Yon Kippur comes to all, not just Jews!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:51 AM
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LW1: "How can I tell her?" Huh? What? You think she doesn't know she's acting like an idiot? She's immature and has really low self-esteem. Feel pity if you must but move on and stay away from the twit. I would also suggest staying away from your dad until he regains his sanity. If anyone I was dating told me they hated my kid the last thing they would see is my foot. Also, you need to understand that you can't control others only yourself. So, if someone is bringing something negative to your life it is your responsibility to move away from that person. It is idiotic to expect people to make you happy - that's your job.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Diana
Sat Jan 7, 2012 7:04 PM
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LW1
It is good that you want to have a decent relationship with your father. You are 17 and nearly grown up. Now is the time to recognise that some things are beyond your control. Your father may be perfectly happy with Heather and you will have to find another rhythm to your visits. Try to see him away from their home, have plenty of telephone and email conversations. Certainly build your life in other ways at school, work and through making friends.
```
Comment: #25
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Sat Jan 14, 2012 9:30 AM
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