When we assume that what keeps us from getting married is finding the right person or being somebody else's idea of the right person, we just might bark up the wrong tree — for a very long time.

A lot of people tell me, "I want to get married, I just can't find the right person." And it's on that potentially false premise that they continue to search for the one. But isn't it possible that they, or you, are not truly ready to choose and commit to a life partner?

Others say, "If I can't make him happy, I must not be what he (read: anybody) wants in a woman," and that can leave them trying to conform to what they think he wants. But maybe he's just not ready to commit — to anybody?

Please don't interpret that as a diagnosis of commitment phobia. It's OK not to be ready. The key is to realize it … and go about being the person you want to be in the meantime. It's easy enough to look around and find examples of what happens when people who aren't truly ready to commit do it anyway (it can be much easier to spot a lack of readiness in somebody else).

You don't have to be in hot pursuit of marriage in order to date. Just be honest with yourself and those you encounter. And it's also OK not to know what you're ready for. Part of dating is learning what you're ready for, and preparing for your next step!

Consider three possibilities:

— You're truly ready to commit, and you'll attract a well-suited partner.

— You're clearly not ready to commit — to anybody — but you still want companionship.

— You're ambivalent about commitment.

You might find that you vacillate back and forth. One day you think you want to get married — what could be finer? The next day you love your freedom — and it's all you can do to manage your career. Your life feels full, and you appreciate your freedom.

You can accept that at face value or you can analyze it, but let's face it — there are advantages and disadvantages to both freedom and a committed relationship. Recognize the pros and cons from your perspective. Use them to evaluate what works for you now. And hold off on commitment until you know.

But don't string him (or her) along. If you're not ready now, when you are ready, you might be ready for somebody other than the one who's holding out for you. Don't blame him with, "Well, if you weren't so … " or "If you were more … " And don't make excuses. You don't need an excuse, or an apology, for not being ready.

When you are ready, you'll attract the right one. Finding the one is more about being ready than looking … and looking and looking. That's the long way to a dead end.

And if you're trying to conform to what somebody else wants, you're not really ready! When you are your own person and you love your life, you're not looking for somebody to save you from yourself.

When you don't make somebody else happy, it's because you can't — nobody can. Maybe you're not what he's looking for, but that doesn't mean you want to be. And it's possible that he's simply not ready … and, no, that doesn't make him guilty of anything.

The good news is that you don't have to be ready, either. You can both enjoy the process of getting to know who you are and what you want and when you want it.

There's no pressure to be somebody you're not or do something you're not ready to do. And you're not at the mercy of the right person showing up … or somebody else's mold for a partner.

Be who you are now. Enjoy who you are now.

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and consultant based in McIntosh, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her website at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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