Young, Dumb & Rich by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

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Young, Dumb & Rich

If you don't feel bad about yourself now, just wait. In just a few minutes, with just a few words, I will make you feel truly awful about your job, your career and your life. It's not going to be easy to turn that smile upside down, but I can do it. All I'll need is a little help from my friend — Robert Sofia.

Sofia is the author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Success in Your 20s and 30s." According to the back cover blurb, "Robert Sofia achieved success in business at a remarkable young age. By 24, he was hired into his first executive position as vice president of marketing for a thriving financial planning company." A vice president of marketing at 24, a company vice president at 26 and a chief operating officer at 28, Robert Sofia became an "award-winning public speaker, author and business consultant — all of which he accomplished before the age of 30."

And if that isn't sufficient reason to make you hate the guy, I don't know what will.

As for the book, the whippersnapper author lets you know right at the jump exactly how miserable business life is for people who aren't young and beautiful. "Their 20s and 30s are spent bouncing between different jobs while trying to eek out a living and find their 'niche.' They turn 65 with a few hundred thousand in the bank, collect Social Security, and work through retirement to make ends meet."

Sounds like me and thee, except for that part about "bouncing between different jobs." If we could find even one job to bounce off or into, we'd be happy.

Life for the 20- and 30-somethings who follow author Sofia is a little different. Read this book, and you can "decide what you want out of life, find your internal motivation and establish goals and priorities." As result, you can "refine your skills until you become the successful person you set out to become."

Assuming, of course, someone doesn't find you out and squash you like a bug.

Fortunately for those of us who are viewing 30 in the rear-view mirror, there are still roadblocks for young people in the business world.

While Sofia gives the kids credit for bringing to their jobs a "fresh perspective" and "boundless energy," he does admit they will have to face "preconceived notions of others." These notions might include the ridiculous beliefs of industry veterans, who foolishly think that two weeks of experience does not qualify a wet-behind-the-ears newbie to tell them how to do their jobs.

In my experience, most young folks in positions of power have a simple solution for this lack of respect. They fire the geezers and go out for Cosmos. To his credit, author Sofia has a kinder, gentler approach. To make your elders respect you, Sofia writes, you need to make a good first impression. To accomplish this task, you have about three seconds, since "as humans, and especially as professionals, we have adapted to quickly read certain cues that help us determine whether or not a person is worth our time." Or, as Sofia puts it, a paragraph later, "when the male Six-Plumed Bird of Paradise is trying to woo a mate, his intricate mating ritual involves a recital of hulalike dances."

Case closed! The minute those old-timers start giving you the fish eye, go into your hula. They'll be so amazed and unnerved as you shake your hips and wave your hands that by the time you get out the flaming torches, they'll be putting their Rascals in gear and heading for the exit.

Sofia doesn't stint on detailed advice for the young and the worthless. For example, in terms of preparing for an interview, the author suggests you "try each garment on to make sure it fits properly." As we all know, if you're a fit and sassy 20-something, it's best to wear garments that fit improperly, especially if you are applying for a job in politics. I also question Sofia's strategy of finding a knowledgeable, helpful older employee to make your friend and mentor. He neglects to tell his readers of the reason you want to create this intimate bond of trust — so you can stab your mentor in the back and steal his or her job.

I'm not saying that deceit and betrayal are the only way for someone in their 20s and 30s to become a business success. It's just the way we did it.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.