Spreading the Word From the 'Golden Book' by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

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Spreading the Word From the 'Golden Book'

Oh, reader, the sacrifices I make for thee. Like the way I put my hand on the sacred wireless mouse and clicked on a checkbox, swearing I "would like to receive special offers and promotions from Dale Carnegie Training."

Yes, reader, I have subjected myself to a lifetime of uplifting spam simply for the sake of downloading a free copy of "Dale Carnegie's Golden Book," billed as "a practical no nonsense step-by-step guide that will improve your ability to communicate with others and manage co-workers, your boss and other business relationships."

Now that I have my hot little hands on the volume in question, not only can I use my newfound power to cloud the minds of managers and co-workers, but also I can share these arcane secrets with you. Now you, too, can bend bosses to your will, and transform colleagues into mindless slaves dedicated to obeying your slightest whim.

(No need to thank me. Just deposit a few Benjamins into my Cayman Islands account when your supervisor brings you a latte in the morning and asks if there's anything else she can do for you, like rush back to the coffee cart for a buttered scone.)

Unfortunately, the actual content of the "Golden Book" is somewhat different than the collection of workplace spells and incantations I had expected. Perhaps I am too cynical, but the first golden secret is a suggestion that you "become a friendlier person."

According to Carnegie you become friendlier by becoming "genuinely interested in other people"; by being a "good listener"; and by making "the other person feel important," a transformation that you must accomplish "sincerely."

I suppose this all makes sense and I know you'd be perfectly willing to do it, just as long as you actually didn't have to listen to the trivial blather your co-workers spew all day long. And I do mean that sincerely.

Listening to Anthrax on your iPod while you pretend to be sincere would be one relatively painless way to perform your listening duties, but it might be noticed, even by your dimwitted colleagues. I suggest you purchase a used hearing aid on eBay and start wearing it to work.

You don't need to turn it on. Your naturally baffled expression will sell the story, especially if you randomly request, "Could you please speak louder. It's really interesting, sincerely"

The "Golden Book" contains 30 principles from the seminal "How to Win Friends and Influence People," and an equal number from "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." This suggests to me that winning friends and influencing people might not be all that easy. Because if you could really do it, why would you be worrying?

If you really do wish to start living, and I'm not convinced it's all that much better than doing what you are doing now — barely existing in a fetal position while awaiting the next blow of fate —- one of the "fundamental principles" authored by Carnegie is to anticipate and prepare for disaster by asking yourself "What is the worst that can possibly happen?"

For example, if you are worried about surviving a weekend HR training session on team building, convince yourself that the real purpose of the off-site is to put you in a situation where your bad attitude will get you fired. You certainly won't be able to find another cushy position like the one you have now, so you will likely go through your savings and lose your house. And your spouse certainly won't stand by a loser like you, so you'll end up alone, living on the streets, eating from dumpsters, catching a rare disease and dying a horrible, painful, unheralded death.

Presto-chango — you're no longer worried about the HR retreat, and can attend with a positive, can-do attitude. Gee, this Dale dude really knows his stuff.

I hope that you have gained as much from this gloss of the Carnegie method as I have. But just in case you think this entire column has been waste of your precious time, I refer you to "The Golden Book" for one more tidbit of Carnegie wisdom about which I have no doubts - "expect ingratitude." This is from a section titled "Cultivate a Mental Attitude that Will Bring You Peace and Happiness." And it's true! If your attempt at manipulating co-workers cause pain and makes trouble, remember that there's nothing that can bring you more peace and happiness than making a beloved colleague miserable.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.