People Who Love People Who Hate People by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

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People Who Love People Who Hate People

Are you a people person? Do you love people? Or do you hate people who love people? If so, slide right on over. You're my kind of people.

We have to thank Jonathan Littman and Marc Hershon for helping us see that people who hate people are, indeed, the luckiest people in the world. These two gentlemen, who I've never met, but who I am totally willing to hate on general principles, are the authors of a new business book called "I Hate People!" Their thesis: Being a hater can give you a significant business advantage.

It's true! According to their book's subtitle, it is only by cultivating your natural ability to hate that you will be able to "Kick Loose from the Overbearing and Underhanded Jerks at Work and Get What You Want Out of Your Job."

Of course, there's nothing new about hating your job. What Littman and Hershon have accomplished is to provide us with guidelines for focusing our hate. If you hate to waste your hate, you will love their list of the 10 most hateful individuals one finds at work.

Like "The Stop Sign," a shortsighted person who only knows how to say, "No," even when presented with an excellent idea, like the Kodak executive who nixed the idea of producing a digital camera, or the Decca Records honcho who refused to sign the Beatles, or your own management, who rejected your inspired idea of boosting profits by raising earthworms in your desk drawers.

The authors also hate "Sheeple," workplace zombies who "think alike, resist alike," and are "comfortable with the herd mentality." Personally, I think you should love the vast herds of Sheeple grazing on the workplace landscape. Compared to them, even a creampuff like you looks like a predator.

Unfortunately, it is not enough to simply hate everyone. Once you've categorized and pulverized all your co-workers, you must then emerge from your chrysalis of hate as the workplace butterfly Littman & Hershon call a "Soloist." No more group think for you. "The Soloist excels when he or she gets to perform alone, taking the Ensemble to new heights while demonstrating skills and talents that inspire."

The Soloist, employing "Solocrafting," doesn't slow down for "Stop Signs," and runs roughshod through the "Sheeple" to reach their goal.

"A rebel without being a revolutionary," the Soloist is the modern, workplace version of the classic American hero who shoots first and asks questions later.

Needless to say, the Soloist has absolutely no friends, and is hated by everyone in the company. If this sounds like your boss, you can see why Solocrafting works. On the other hand, if this also sounds like the homeless guy living in an empty refrigerator box under a freeway overpass, you can see why there are some risks involved. My advice is it's perfectly fine to hate everyone, but at the same time, make sure that everyone loves you. That way, if you end up standing before the firing squad, someone might lend you a blindfold.

Perhaps my favorite part of "I Hate People" comes at the end of the book, when the authors suggest that a Soloist's success at work depends on having his own "Personal Cave." This private space is a "creative cocoon that allows you to do all those things best done without interruption," like playing Doom or napping!

The authors do not limit the location of your Personal Cave to your assigned cubical, but suggest that when the negative energy of group space starts to get the best of you, take the time to "dig yourself in" at the nearest Starbucks, or the local library. There is much to be said for getting out of the box if you want to produce out-of-the-box thinking, but the authors do neglect to take into consideration the negative effect of being AWOL for hours of time, despite the beautiful solo symphonies emanating from your personal Fortress of Solitude.

That's why I say, "Don't leave the workplace." Instead, go ahead and turn your Personal Cube into your Personal Cave. Cover your carpet with peat moss. Block out distracting sunlight on your floor by painting all the windows black. Cover your cube with a tree branches and light a fire in the file cabinet. It might get a little cold, dark and smoky in there, but you'll love it, and so will the earthworms.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.