Over 40 and You're Tired! by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

Recently

Get this Cat a Job Here's good news: After years of reading and reviewing business books, I have finally found one volume that is 100 percent guaranteed to improve your life. It's not about moving your cheese or swimming with sharks. It doesn't teach you how to read …Read more. Winning the Blame Game It's your fault! I don't know what happened, or why it happened, or when it happened, or, even, if it happened, but I do know that the person who did it, whatever it was, was y-o-u. If this sounds familiar, it's because you work at a company that …Read more. An Office Kind of Love I'm in the mood for love. Every year, as we get closer to Valentine's Day, cards and candy start showing up on nearby desktops. The stupid cupids in marketing get lavish bouquets of roses and poison oak, while stale cookie grams brighten every …Read more. Surprise! Being Stressed-Out Is in! There must be a lot of stress at The Wall Street Journal. I found two articles and a blog post on the subject of stress in the last two weeks, and well, it's making me feel stressed. I mean, if the journalistic queen bee of American capitalism is …Read more.

Over 40 and You're Tired!

If we didn't know it before the appearance of The Who in the Super Bowl halftime show, we know it now: people over 40 years old may be heard, but they certainly shouldn't be seen. Really! Even the most liberal, least ageist among us will long be haunted by the high-definition images of Roger Daltrey stuffed into his jeans — not to mention the memory of the wardrobe malfunction, which revealed the pasty white contours of Pete Townshend's tummy to an audience of several billion horrified innocents.

Yet, here in my mailbox is a new book from job expert Robin Ryan with the suggestive, if unlikely, title: "Over 40 and You're Hired."

I suppose one could argue that any 40-year-old who has the chutzpah to actually go out and look for a job in this economy deserves a guidebook, if not a gold metal. But while author Ryan makes a valiant effort to pump some energy into the atherosclerotic job market for seniors, I'm afraid it's going to take more than "the leading job search expert in America today."

It's going to take a miracle.

Even Ryan admits that finding a position for a 40-something is not exactly a slam-dunk. "Age discrimination does exist," she writes in her preface. "So when you reach 40, you have a new career problem to worry about. Job hunting for most people is always a daunting task, and the older you get, the harder finding a new job can be."

Surprisingly, Ryan's research among hiring managers does suggest that the 40-plus candidates may have certain advantages. They "exhibit a more mature attitude," is one entry on the plus side, suggesting that the ability of a 40-year-old worker to keep their head in the face of a high-pressure situation could be signs of experience and a cool temperament. Unfortunately, it could also be a sign of ongoing cardiac arrest.

"Being unlikely to need maternity leave" is another nifty advantage of the over-40 employee, since pretty much everyone knows that after 40, the sex drive disappears completely and is not likely to return, unless someone foolishly tunes the break-room TV to "Larry King Live." Then look out! Those over-40 workers are going to orgy-down.

Perhaps the most useful section of "Over 40 and You're Hired" is the chapter on "Overcoming Concerns Decision Makers May Have." Ryan surveyed a whole passel of "DMs," or decision makers, offering specific advice on each mental roadblock that stands between 40-plus you and a new job.

"Declining productivity levels" is a concern best expressed by a DM who admitted that "during an interview, I watch carefully for a candidate who seems lifeless." Ryan suggests countering productivity prejudice by dazzling the DM with your accomplishments.

A better strategy is to start your interview by providing the DM with a note from your doctor pointing out that a candidate who seems lifeless may be highly qualified and extremely motivated, but is simply dead. In the same spirit, you might attach a "Do Not Resuscitate" form to your job application. At your age, you can't be too careful.

"Everyone who replied to the survey brought up this concern," writes Ryan when turning to the perception of a "lower level of expertise using current technologies and the inability to be trained quickly." Totally understandable and easily countered. Forget Ryan's charming but unrealistic idea of taking a computer course. Instead, simply interrupt the interview to e-mail your cardiologist on your BlackBerry or order a case of 100-percent Bran Flakes using the Fun-With-Fiber app on your iPhone. It's a great way to show your techy side and stay regular!

Perhaps the most bothersome over-40 DM "concern" is the perception that people of our advanced years have a "disregard for personal presentation." Apparently, if you go to all the effort to put on a pair of spats, you can still be considered an "old-fashioned fuddy-duddy." What makes this situation even more difficult is that going in the opposite direction is not going to help. You would think that an over-40 woman who can squeeze herself into a micro-mini would erase all concerns of "personal presentation." Not so. "A woman dressing like a teenager comes off looking ridiculous," says one DM.

My advice is to wear whatever you want. After 40 years on this earth, you're old enough to be hired on your merits, not your wardrobe. Just remember that these interviews can go on for a while, so be sure to bring a full box of Depends.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.