My Botox Resume by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

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My Botox Resume

Oh, the sacrifices that must be made when you lose your job. You may have to give up your company-leased Lexus, or sell the vacation house in Belize that you have been writing off as a branch office. Without a job or an expense account, you may have to downgrade from a suite at the Ritz-Carleton to something more modest, like an empty refrigerator box under the freeway.

Go without a job long enough, and the sacrifices get even more painful. You might have to give up private school and send your kid for home schooling, assuming you can find a home that will take him. Your country club membership will go immediately, though you might be able to get a job as a caddy. You also won't be able to keep up your gym membership and could revert back to your natural flabby state. But don't sweat it. There's no better diet plan than being unable to buy food.

No matter what indigent indignities await you in your new state of unemployment, rest assured that there is one life essential that you will never give up. It's a drive that is stronger than hunger, or sex, or even the innate, genetic need to watch "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

You can fire me, you can humble me, but believe me — you will never take away my Botox.

It's true! According to an article in The Wall Street Journal by Rhonda L. Rundle, "Vanity appears to be trumping frugality in a looks-conscious society."

Rundle goes on: "Despite the dismal economic climate, most women — and men — who undergo appearance-enhancing treatments such as Botox injections are spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars a year to maintain the regimen."

Though you and I are natural beauties whose striking good looks require no artificial enhancements, I do understand the decision to keep the Botox flowing. The need to look youthful is a critical career skill in a highly competitive job market. In the face of an economic meltdown, you don't want your face to melt down, too. Or, as Kathleen Hudson, a 57-year old marketing consultant puts it, "If you're in the business world and you want to be competitive with the younger people, you need to stay on top of your game."

Let me pause here for those readers who do not understand what miracles can be wrought by a substance like Botox or Juvederm or Restylane.

Delivered by injection into a repository of wrinkles, the magic elixir fills, lifts and smoothes. If you've ever restored a 1956 Chevy, you might think of it as Bondo for your face.

Though there are some drawbacks to injecting facial putty, like the inability to smile or show any emotion, like horror when you get the doctor's bill. Still, even the most negative side effects can become positives in the workplace. Consider the advantage of not being able to smile. If we're going to reward the blunders of a chucklehead as CEO with a bushel of taxpayer cash, we want him to look serious. In the same spirit, a manager who shows emotion can be seen as weak, loopy or female. Getting a face freeze is definitely a plus in any workplace situation, especially when confronted with the thousands of employees you will have to lay off.

Of course, Botox treatments can be expensive. Even with special, two-for-one offers, the average cost per visit can range from $500 to $2,000 dollars. No wonder the children of marginally employed and unemployed workers are forced to give up visits to the pediatrician to finance Mommy and Daddy's trips to the plastic surgeon. Until Wal-Mart gets into the game, we all will have to make sacrifices.

On the other hand, one can look at serial Botoxers as thrifty shoppers. As the Journal article points out: "Patients like the idea that with aesthetic treatments they can pay as they go," says Dr. Malcolm Z. Roth, a New York City plastic surgeon. Botoxing is also a whole lot cheaper than a facelift to make you look young, or a tummy tuck to make you look thin.

Personally, I think if you truly care about your appearance, you really don't want to skimp. Get that face-lift! Charge that eye job! Hey, it cost me a fortune for a plastic surgeon to make me look smart by crafting these Spock ears, but on me, I think they look good.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.