Work Daze by Bob Goldman

Could they make it any harder? These days, the job market is so competitive, you not only need experience, skills and a positive attitude, you also must have a cover letter.

That's right! A made-up resume and bogus references are no longer sufficient. According to The New York Times Career Couch columnist, Phyllis Korkki, a successful job applicant will also provide a cover letter.

Even if you are applying by e-mail? Yes! "Cover letters are still necessary," writes Korkki, "and in a competitive market they can give you a serious edge if they are written and presented effectively."

Katy Piotrowski, a career counselor, is anxious to pile on, "Cover letters are a graceful way to introduce yourself, to convey your personality and to impress a hiring manager with your experience and your writing skills."

This all may be true, though, in your case do remember that the success of any job search depends on covering up your personality.

One of the first questions to resolve is how to address the recipient you are so anxious to impress. This can be a problem when answering a blind ad, because you might not create the right tone of personal warmth by beginning your cover letter, "Dear Post Office Box 113A." The traditional "Dear Sir or Madam" certainly won't work in these gender-confused times, though you would demonstrate your open mind by using "Dear Sir or Madam or Transgender Individual in the Process of Going from Sir to Madam or Madam to Sir or any combination thereof."

Piotrowski does not endorse cover letters that start with no salutation, and she unequivocally does not consider "Hey there" as a strong start. Personally, I prefer a more granular approach. If you are applying for a job in the financial services industry, you might start your cover letter with "Dear Greedy Bloated Immoral Doofus," while an application to a U.S. automobile company could use a salutation, a simple "Dear Loser."

Of course, you'll never go wrong with a spirited "Hey, Dude."

According to Debra Wheatman, a career expert at the jobs website Vault, your cover letter should be short — no more than three or four paragraphs.

The subject for that critical first paragraph, adds Wendy S. Enelow, author of "Cover Letter Magic," is to explain why you are writing. (Though I haven't read "Cover Letter Magic" — I'm waiting for the movie — I think we can safely assume that the purpose of the second paragraph is to explain why you wrote the first paragraph.)

Use the first paragraph to explain how you came upon the job opening - you saw a want ad in the newspaper you use as a blanket when sleeping in your favorite alley, or you found a business card in the wallet you pick-pocketed on a cross-town bus. You should also use this introductory paragraph to demonstrate that you have done your homework. Don't be afraid to show off. Anybody with a laptop can learn the company's manufacturing and marketing strengths, but you show real initiative when you also reveal that the name of the downtown hotel the hiring manager uses to carry on an illicit affair with the boss's schnauzer.

Use the middle paragraphs, Enelow continues, to "convey a clear story about your career, and highlight past accomplishments. This can either be done as a narrative or in bullet points." In your case, I would suggest the narrative approach, because the bullet format may prove a little skimpy:

— I was born.

— I was hired.

— I was fired.

— I was fired again.

— I quit.

— Actually, I was fired.

— I really could use an egg-salad sandwich.

"Finish up your letter by indicating that you will follow up in the future," writes Times reporter Korkki, "and make good on that promise." I suggest you either use the traditional farewell verbiage, "I'll never forget you, you and all the others like you, who have made my life a living hell," or the more personal, "I'll get even with you for this. Believe me, you haven't heard the last of (your name here.)"

A final warning is to not provide too much information. "Hiring managers are looking for way to exclude you," says cover-letter maven Enelow. "Do not give them that ammunition." I suggest you don't write a cover letter, or send a resume, or even answer the ad. Being a depressed, bitter, unemployed individual is something you do really well. Why wreck it?

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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