Work Daze by Bob Goldman

My, you're looking especially spiffy today? It is really unusual to meet someone successful and brilliant, who also looks like a movie star! How do you do it? And by the way, will you give me a big, fat job and lend me $5,000?

OK! OK! You can put your checkbook away. It wouldn't be fair for me to use my expertise as a professional schmoozer to cheat you out of your hard-earned cash. Frankly, for people like me, the ability to schmooze the birds out of the trees ought to be considered a dangerous weapon. My golden tongue should be registered with the FBI.

If you suspect that your low ranking on the schmoozability scale is keeping you from moving ahead in your career, you've come to the right column. I've just read "6 Secrets to Successful Schmoozing" by Yahoo! HotJobs expert, Larry Buhl, and you know me — I'm always ready to reveal a secret, or six.

Of course, there's a lot more to high-level schmoozing than a tendency to logorrhea. You want quality, as well as quantity, as you proceed to butter up every perspective career enabler in sight. "Successful schmoozing isn't glad-handing or insincere sucking up," Buhl writes, quoting the wisdom of Susan RoAne, author of "How to Work a Room."

If schmoozing isn't insincere sucking up, you can forget all those nice things I said about you. But keep reading anyway. Heaven knows a dumb, ugly loser like you needs help.

— Investigate. World-class schmoozers school themselves on their schmoozees. While professional websites will provide information on your target's business credentials, remember to also check social networks. Given the confessional proclivities of a Facebook community, you could go beyond the typical opening to a schmoozathon, such as the boring and expected, " I just read your excellent paper on using algorithms to predict purchase behavior among high net worth consumers," to dredge up a truly effective conversation starter, like "I just saw a photo of you dancing naked at OzzFest 2002. Who would think the CEO of a major public company would have a tattoo of a bat on his butt!"

— Go beyond the usual suspects.

Don't waste all your schmooze power on the CEO, says John O'Connor, president of Career Pro. Inc. O'Connor suggests you save a little schmoozing for lowly executive assistants, who are " the gatekeepers in most businesses and may have valuable information on the inner workings of the organizations." They are also poorly paid and probably fed up with the antics of their bosses. You might starting your schmooze attack thusly — "What a great privilege it must be to work for such a wonderful, perfect boss." Then, stand back and shut up. Next time you run into Mr. or Ms. Big, you'll have more than enough dirt to easily blackmail yourself into a high-paid position.

— Schmooze well before you need something. According to career coach Laura DeCarlo, "the time between initial schmooze and asking for what you really want could be up to six months." If you are pained by the idea of being nice to someone for even five minutes without any reward, start asking for favors immediately, even if you have to ask for things you don't really want, like the name of your target's aroma therapist. You'll collect a lot of useless stuff, but you'll train your victim to know that when he sees you coming, it's time to give until it hurts.

— Prepare a short introduction. Your 15-second elevator speech is too long for schmooze expert RoAne, who gives you exactly nine seconds to explain what it is you do. This is actually good news for you, since you pretty much don't do anything. I suggest you use your nine seconds for weeping pitifully and sobbing disconsolately — sure-fire ways to turbocharge your schmooze.

— Focus on the other person. Studies prove that people like people who are interested in them. Pepper your target with questions, and if they won't answer, try pepper spray.

— Stoke the ego, but don't suck up. "Try to be genuine and don't gush," suggests Buhl, who adds, "if you're not sure how to use flattery well, practice with a friend who can give you feedback." I suggest you practice your schmoozing at the unemployment office. Because if you can't learn to lavish flattery on people who don't deserve it, the unemployment office is where you'll be spending a whole lot of time.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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