Work Daze by Bob Goldman

If you have any pity left over after feeling sorry for yourself and your own pathetic work situation, send it to Shayla McKnight. McKnight, a contributor to the Preoccupations column in The New York Times, has written a panegyric to her employer, PrintingForLess.com, based on the company's truly insane corporate policy — a ban on all gossip.

One could argue that McKnight, who is part of a "three-person team" in the company headquarters in Livingston, Mont., can work under these unimaginably hostile conditions because, let's face it, what gossip-worthy events ever happen in Livingston, Mont.? Be that as it may, the technical services assistant seems to have not only embraced what I consider to be an abusive work environment, but also actually promotes the policy as fostering a "great sense of teamwork."

Some would call that employee loyalty. I call it brainwashing.

No question McKnight knew what she was getting into when she signed on for the job. As she tells the sad tale, "Marne Reed, the human resources manager who interviewed me, mentioned the company's no-gossip policy. She said something like this: 'There's no backstabbing and no office politics. Gossiping and talking behind someone's back is not tolerated.'"

No backstabbing? No office politics? No talking behind someone's back? Heck, why would you even bother coming into work?

How the company keeps workers on the no-gossip track is as scary as the no-gossip policy itself. "If employees do violate the company policy, a manager speaks to them," writes McKnight, "and if they don't stop it, they're let go." And how does management know an employee is gossiping? It's obvious! Another employee turns them in. Apparently, it is verboten to share a juicy — if slightly untrue — rumor about the co-worker who is having a wild affair with the cute bottled-water delivery guy, but gossiping about a gossiper is fine and dandy.

For the moment, I'll skip my contention that this no-gossip nonsense abridges what is clearly a constitutional right of free speech. (Ask any historian. Thomas Jefferson was always spreading rumors about George Washington's denture breath.) It's just common sense that a workday without gossip is as painful as a Sandra Bullock movie without popcorn.

It is gossip that brings the spice to office life. How could anyone survive the 9 to 5 routine without speculating on which undeserving idiot is going to get promoted and which unlucky innocent is going to get fired?

In fact, the "Who Will Get the Ax Next?" game is critical for workplace survival. If you can't firmly believe that the bozo down the hall will be the next one fired, then you will have no choice but to assume the next to go is y-o-u. It may be true, but it's much better to put off that knowledge until the ax starts swinging.

Such is not the case at PrintingForLess.com where "we count on everyone being aboveboard, and we encourage people to confront one another." And when the company was facing layoffs, no one did any gossiping — before, after or during. Or so McKnight contends. "We were expecting the layoffs," she writes, "so there was no reason to gossip."

I don't believe it. You cannot watch a stream of co-workers march into the manager's office and come out weeping without turning to the fellow in the next cube and asking, "What have you heard?" and "Who do you think is next?" and "Can I hide under your desk until this blows over?"

Despite my belief that the no-gossip policy is a no-go, McKnight seems like a lovely person. She is also a "green." You see the company assigns colors to employees, based on the communications program management uses to pinpoint a person's "dominant communications style."

As a green, McKnight is "sensitive and likes to be approached as courteously as possible." A red "appreciates when others are direct and state the facts quickly." A blue "enjoys having all the details" and a yellow "is spontaneous and likes a personal connection."

I don't know about you, but you can color me a purple. A purple is the kind of person who wakes up every morning insanely glad that he doesn't work for PrintingForLess.com. And now that we've settled that issue, come a little closer. You can't tell another soul that I've told you this, but you'll never believe who is having a wild affair with the bottled-water delivery guy.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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