Dress for Less Success by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

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If you've ever wondered why your career could be declared a federal disaster area, I have the answer. It isn't because you are ineffectual, inefficient and insufferable. The real reason is not who you are, but what you wear.

Or don't wear. Face it, friend — if you are looking to thrive, or just to survive in this miserable economy, it takes more than working hard in your cubical. You also have to make hard choices in your closet.

But don't take my word for it. Despite my reputation as the best dressed man on the unemployment line, I am channeling the opinions of Dick Lerner, a certified wardrobe consultant, a certified custom clothier and now the author of "Dress Like The Big Fish: How to Achieve the Image You Want and the Success You Deserve."

I don't usually bow to any other fashion expert, but Lerner is a graduate of the "prestigious Haggar Institute," and that certainly trumps my degree from Dockers University. Besides, he has made a business out of telling business people what to wear, while the only person who follows my fashion tips is my poodle.

Lerner's big fish philosophy starts at the bottom of the tank with extensive advice on how to dress for a job interview. "Give yourself plenty of time to plan out your interview wardrobe," he counsels. "In fact, before you send out your resume, have your interview wardrobe ready to go." I would take this advice one step further. Once you have assembled your interview outfit, pack it up in a box and FedEx it to the meeting. Your clothes are likely to make a better impression than you. At least, they're buttoned up.

One of the many tips scattered throughout the book is to "dress for one or two levels above the job you are seeking." Good, conservative advice, but in this job market, I don't think you want to play it safe. Yes, you could dress like a vice president, or a senior vice president, or an executive vice president, but I say go whole hog. Dress like the president — specifically, George Washington. A three- corner hat will exude confidence as well as cover up that bald spot.

This may represent a problem for female readers mired in traditional gender roles, but don't despair. Male, female or anyplace in-between, you can convince any hiring manager that you're as honest as the day is long simply by wearing an Abraham Lincoln beard.

A Lerner tip in with which I have to disagree is: "You never want your clothing to go into the room before you as a distraction, or to become the center of attention." Because of his naive belief that the person should be the focus on the job interview, and not the clothes, Lerner rules out "loud colors, wrinkled fabrics, misfit garments, dated or worn clothing, or inappropriate styles that can cause distractions." In other words, your entire wardrobe!

In fact, distracting clothes can send a message about you that will be remembered long after your bumbling disaster of an interview is forgotten. For example, if you're in the financial services industry, why not show your conservative, cautious nature by arriving for the interview dressed as Smokey the Bear? Or display your fun side by wearing the raiment of Yogi Bear. Or show that you have nothing in your past to hide by simply arriving at the interview totally bare. It's the kind of grand gesture that will be remembered, and think of the money you'll save on dry cleaning.

Lerner is extremely detail oriented, reminding you to have clean fingernails, which I do think is important, since you don't want to make a bad impression on the hiring manager as you cling to their jacket, begging for the job, as security drags you out of the building. You are also advised to "not wear too many accessories; they can be distracting. You never want to appear gaudy or try to make an individual fashion statement."

Who knows? The hiring manager may be looking for an employee who has so many piercings and studs that their face looks like a tackle box. And let's face facts: Sure, you may want to hide your individuality by dressing like the other guppies in the unemployment pool, but who is going to say, "We don't have an opening now, but we'll keep your resume on file" to a job applicant who has tattooed the company logo on their chest?

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.