Work Daze by Bob Goldman

When you're feeling bad about your job, your prospects and your life, you can always count on Jane Porter of The Wall Street Journal. Don't count on me. I'm just too busy being bummed.

Can you blame me? For 2010, banking giant Goldman Sachs had allocated $16.7 billion smackolas to compensate its 32,500 employees. The bank has since decided to shave half a billion off to give to charity, but that still leaves each employee with an average salary and bonus package of about $500,000. That's right — $500,000. That's right — each.

Since my package is only $400,000, you can understand my pain. And heaven knows what kind of agony you're under, considering your bonus is likely to be much less — say, only $250,000 or $300,000.

Hopefully, the sorry state of your bonus will qualify you for aid from the kindhearted money-mad men at Goldman Sachs. Their charity is no doubt designed to cure all the depression they've created by paying themselves such outrageous salaries. If not, Porter can help. In a recent Career Strategies article, "Banking Bonus Points for Better Times," reporter Porter points to some very useful advice on how to cope with a bad bonus or even the worst bonus: no bonus at all.

"Don't take the dollar amount you receive personally, "writes Porter, "and try to take stock of the company-wide strategy as a way to sort out your disappointment. Joining a chorus of complaining won't change things and can hurt the image your boss has of you."

Considering how little your boss thinks of you, it's difficult to imagine anything that would make the situation worse. As for taking stock of the "company-wide strategy," this will be quite simple — the strategy of management is to pay themselves as much as possible while paying you as little as possible. And it's working!

Porter quotes Marsha Egan, CEO of the Egan Group, who suggests that "it's career-limiting to come across as dissatisfied." If you believe it is better to stifle your dissatisfaction at being rewarded for 12 months of hard work by the privilege of watching the boss exit the parking lot in his new Mercedes, go ahead and stifle.

Just don't blame me when your spleen explodes.

According to coach Egan, it is permissible to ask your manager about how bonuses were determined. I suggest a nonconfrontational approach, like "Did you use an Ouija board, or has management once again decided to feast on the rotting flesh of the poor, starving slobs who do the real work around here?"

Or maybe not. Don Hurzeler, another adviser who Porter describes as an experienced bonus hander-outer, counsels against being too forward in looking backward. "Dwelling in the past is a surefire way to anger your boss," Hurzeler suggests. "When it comes to bonuses, you need to plan for the long run and not the short run."

Of course, the long run may not be too long if you can't afford to buy premium cat food to feed your family. And dwelling in the past may actually be your best choice, since you won't be able to dwell in your house when the bank forecloses on you.

Despite all the negatives involved with getting a bad bonus, the expert consensus seems to be all about positivity. "Frame your conversation around how you can help the company rather than making it all about you, advises Ms. Egan," writes Porter.

I agree. No matter how difficult and unfair the situation, stay on the sunny side! Let your bosses know you're happy that a lack of bonus means you'll be giving up your health insurance. In difficult times like these, the company certainly can't afford to let you take time off just because you need open-heart surgery. Besides, you're rewriting your will so, when you die waiting in line at the clinic, the company gets your 401 (k) — the whole 27 cents.

"One thing you should not do is less work," advises author Rick Smith, who suggests "taking on a leadership role." "The worst possible thing you can do for your career," says Smith, "is to feel, 'You're not paying me so I can slack off.'"

He's right. You do so little now that the only way you could slack off is to drop dead at your desk. And your managers wouldn't like that. Spending a lot of money to cart you off to a pauper's grave could definitely cut into their bonus pool.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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