'Tis the Season to Party Hardly by Bob Goldman on Creators.com

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'Tis the Season to Party Hardly

Bet I can guess the No. 1 thought in your cute little pea brain right now. You're thinking about how much fun you're going to have at work this holiday season. I can see you now — decorating the tree with multicolored Post-It notes, playing secret Santa with the nerds in IT, getting your stomach pumped after an overdose of eggnog at the company holiday party!

Can you just feel the excitement? Pop the champagne! Peel the jumbo shrimp! Peel the good little boys and girls from marketing once the holiday cheer starts flowing. It's like you always say, "What happens in the supply closet stays in the supply closet."

Alas, not everyone will be as fortunate as thee and me this holiday season. While we stuff our faces with buche de Noel and our pockets with "bonus de Noel," many workers are having themselves a rather bleak little Christmas.

The reason this season? It's the economy, Rudolf. Times are tough all over, and if your nose isn't burning quite so bright, it's probably because no one can pay the electric bill.

From Wall Street to Main Street the economy is careening from recession to depression, and if 2008 looks bad, 2009 looks worse. (In fact, 2009 looks so bad that we're considering skipping it altogether and moving right into 2010, when the more optimistic ivory tower pencil pushers see the possibility of a recovery, whatever that is.)

Because of faltering sales, companies are cutting back — on expenses and employees. So, if you're lucky enough to miss getting a pink slip for Christmas, don't be surprised if you get a lump of coal for your bonus. It's all the fault of those darn consumers who are too selfish to throw themselves deeper into debt.

And for heaven's sake, don't go blaming management. It's not the CEOs who came up with idea of selling and then securitizing rotten mortgage loans just so they could get bigger bonuses. Oh yes, it was their idea. But it wasn't their fault. You have no idea of the cost of an oil change on a Porsche 911 Carrera 4. But you might — once you start that terrific new job at the gas station.

Anyhoo, while many companies will be cutting back on holiday high jinks, some businesses will be pressured to cut them out altogether.

I refer, of course, to the financial institutions that have received bailout money from Uncle Sam.

Believe it or not, a few sour apples in Congress actually think it is in bad taste for CEOs who take a few billions to rescue their bank or insurance company, and then use that money to throw hyper-expensive bacchanals for the executive team that got the company in the mess in the first place.

Fortunately, I have some good ideas on how we can help businesses break free from the clanking chains of the party-hardly crowd, and get back to the 100 percent American business tradition of party hearty. These fun activities I have in mind are so thrifty that even a Scrooge like Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., will have to approve.

For example, instead of expecting the company to fund the holiday party, why not offer to host your own soiree? Have all the employees over to your place. Sure, it might be crowded when two or three hundred depressed, drunken revelers break into your bungalow, so it's probably the best plan not to tell your spouse until the merrymakers arrive. (Tip: schedule the party for early in December. Wait too long and you could be in foreclosure.)

Another great idea is for all the employees to pool the money they were going to fritter away on gifts for their children. Instead, buy something really nice for the executive team. It can't be pleasant for corporate royalty to get on their knees and beg for billions, so a nice treat would be more than welcome. Nothing major. Maybe just some plastic surgery, a new identity, and the deed to a ranch in Argentina, or Uruguay. Somewhere were there are no prying eyes and no extradition treaties, either.

Finally, if you can't find it in your heart, or your wallet, to pay for a big bash for your company and co-workers, you could always celebrate by sending a nice gift to me. Email me immediately for a list of my sizes, because I really could use some new duds. I'd hate to be wearing last season's look when I stand in line at the unemployment office.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.