What To Expect When You're Expecting Not To Read That Book Again by Teresa Strasser on Creators.com

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What To Expect When You're Expecting Not To Read That Book Again

Just for kicks — mine, not the ones my baby is giving me with his little fetus feet — I busted out my old copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

That's right. It's the bestselling pregnancy book of all time. Without it, you wouldn't know which food item your fetus currently represents, from poppy seed to mango. Over 15 million copies of this book have been sold, mostly, I'm guessing, to women with poppy seed-size babies who want to get a sense of what is coming.

And now, it's a big-time movie with Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz. What with my being pregnant for a second time and all, it seemed like a perfect time to reflect on good old "What to Expect When You're Expecting." And believe me, I was expecting to resent it, and I was not disappointed.

Fortunately, I easily could tell which pages had interested me the most during my last pregnancy, because those were the pages most visibly smeared with Doritos dust.

"Another Reason for Being Tired, Moody and Constipated" seemed to be a popular chapter.

However, reading the nacho cheese prints, it's obvious my favorite reading involved "Managing a Complicated Pregnancy," which, to be sure, I did not have.

I just had a jones to read about it in the middle of the night, frightened of every symptom and pang and ache, balancing a bowl of Kashi Go Lean on my belly and going over and over what could happen to my first born. Because I had read this chapter so much, I wasn't sure how any babies were ever born at all.

There is a special box that caught my attention, with the title "Types of Miscarriages." You don't want to let your knowledge end with the common "chemical pregnancy" when you could really stand to know a thing or two about the others: blighted ovum, missed miscarriage, incomplete miscarriage and threatened miscarriage.

There was my second favorite, a chapter you basically could call "Lots of Stuff Can Go Wrong, Lady.

I'm Talking to YOU." That one gives you all the news on subchorionic bleeding, hyperemesis gravidarum, preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, HELLP syndrome, placenta previa, hydramnious and, of course, preterm premature rupture of the membranes. Bleeding, spotting, difficulty breathing, you need to be on the lookout because it could all go wrong.

It's just another thing to love about the second pregnancy, the do-over, when one isn't compelled to while away the midnight hours chomping niacin-enriched cereal and pondering floppy baby syndrome. Sure, this baby could be floppy, but I can't muster the time or energy or obsession to care anymore. And it goes deeper.

The first time around, I made some weird, tacit deal with the powers of the universe. Here is the unilateral deal I struck without consulting said Big Power: If I worry enough, if I don't take for granted that I will have a healthy baby, if I suffer and study, if I learn and worry, if I know about everything that could go wrong and consider whether it's happening all day, you won't mess with me. If I respect the horrible possibility of chaos in this realm, you will leave me alone.

What I have come to think now is that this is superstition and nothing else. Something very well may go wrong. In fact, it's just as likely this time around. However, my worrying about it won't make it so or save me from it. It will just give me wrinkles, and according to the book, any face cream worth my time will probably lead to floppy baby syndrome anyway, so I should just relax.

To be totally honest, I would never throw the book away. What if in the middle of the night I have some crazy symptom? What if I need the index? The dog-eared pages smeared with orange MSM salt and despair? I may not be so superstitious anymore, but c'mon, you throw away "What to Expect," and you can expect to need it the second the trash truck drives away with it.

Knock on wood.

Teresa Strasser is an Emmy-winning television writer, a two-time Los Angeles Press Club Columnist of the Year and a multimedia personality. She is the author of a new book, "Exploiting My Baby," the rights to which have been optioned by Sony Pictures. To find out more about Teresa Strasser and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.