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Cry Me a River
My wife and I have five kids. We started with three boys and then, once we'd officially learned the basics, went on to have twin girls. I thought I knew how to parent, but going from males to females was like going from basic math to trigonometry.
I …Read more.
Cat Craze
I have a confession to make. I am afraid of cats.
I'm not afraid that they'll attack me or sneak up in the middle of the night and suffocate me (as they have been known to do to babies for centuries — look it up on the Internet).
I'm afraid …Read more.
Money to Burn
Yesterday, over my morning coffee, I read in my paper that parents in New York City are all atwitter because tuitions at most private schools are just about to creep up past the $40,000 mark. I stared at the story for a full minute before it hit me: …Read more.
Tweenage Dream
Like almost every other American household this year, our home ended up after the holidays with a lot of new electronic items. I got an iPad. It was one of those gifts you don't know you want until you have it. Suddenly, I could check my email and …Read more.
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You're Watching the Kids News NetworkMy wife and I have always been kind of news junkies. I grew up watching "The Today Show" with my Cap'n Crunch. From an early age, I read the newspapers every day. On Sundays, my parents, brothers and sisters would gather around the dining room table, drinking coffee, hastily passing sections of three different papers back and forth — a haze of smoke from my father's and brothers' cigarettes hanging over the crowd. We looked like an old-fashioned newspaper room, just one that hired child labor. My wife was the same way. Her family was so eager to get the news that she grew up buying the Sunday paper on Saturday evening to get a jump on the morning's reading. As adults, my wife and I have televisions at strategic locations throughout the house. And half the time, they're tuned to a news channel. When we hear that serious thumping music indicating there's breaking news, we drop everything and sit riveted until we get the scoop. Afterward, we compare details in case one of us missed something. It's all a little ridiculous because if something important were to actually happen, it's not like I'm going to spring into action or anything. Like all true junkies, I'm just going to sit there and want some more. Out in the real world, I'm always on the lookout for something newsworthy. When something happens, I yank out my cell phone and call my wife, who actually works at a newspaper, and report it. "A car just fell in a pothole on the boulevard!" I'll bark into the phone, sure that she'll get someone on it. "It's pretty deep!" My wife takes down the information, and I'm fairly certain that she crumples it up in a ball and tosses it in the trash as soon as I hang up. With all their newfangled technology, our kids have come up with their own news and information networks, which are much more sophisticated than anything adults have. They don't rely on paper and ink or even TV broadcasts. Between word of mouth, IM's, Facebook, e-mail and text messages, news will spread across the "Kids News Network" with an efficiency that would make Brian Williams fall out of his executive chair.
Kids may not know or care whether unemployment figures are up or down. They may not know which politician just resigned in disgrace, and they probably can't name all the places around the world where stuff is blowing up. They can, however, tell you in an instant who broke up with whom and which boy is planning to ask which girl to the semiformal. They know the parents in the neighborhood that are fighting. They can tell you which dad had a hangover Sunday morning. They can tell you when a family is moving before the parents even know it's coming. And more than anything, they can tell you when a snow day is about to happen. Last week, my daughter came through the living room as I was trying to get some work done. She announced that due to snow, our school would be opening on a two-hour delay the next day. I flipped on the TV to watch the aggravatingly slow scroll on the bottom of the screen, waiting for our school name. There was nothing. "Sorry," I said. "I don't know where you get your information, but you're wrong." "No, I'm not," she said confidently. "All the kids know already." "Really," I responded. "How's that?" "Well," she said, "Ashley told Hannah, who told Hannah, who told me." (Every fourth girl in our school is named Hannah. Another third are Ashleys. Go figure.) "Sorry to disappoint you," I said, "but ... " I didn't get any further. At that moment, her cell phone buzzed. She looked at the message on the little screen and smiled. "It's on the TV now," she said. "They put it there so the parents will know, too." As she walked out of the room, I watched the news, waiting and waiting, like the other hopelessly out-of-date parents, for the name of our school to scroll by. It took 10 minutes, but there it was, just as my daughter said it would be. I flipped off the TV set. My digital cable package costs a hundred bucks a month and includes 11 news channels. It would have been so much easier if I just learned how to subscribe to the Kids News Network. To find out more about Peter McKay, please visit www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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