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Don't Get All Up in My Grill!
If you opened your window last weekend, you could hear it: homeowners across this great country walked out into their backyards, pulled the grill covers off their gas grills after a long hard winter, dusted them off, opened the lid, and cursed, …Read more.
Hair Today
In the news last week, we learned that as a high school student, Mitt Romney held down another boy in school with long hair and gave him a forced haircut.
I am not weighing in on the story, because I have a rule. I never discuss politics in my …Read more.
Fighting Against Sensorship – in the Bathroom
When our great, great grandparents wanted to find water, they got themselves a forked stick, walked all over their property with that stick stuck out in front of them, and when the stick pointed itself at the ground, they'd dig a well. It wasn't …Read more.
Shape Up or Ship Out
For the past year or so, I've been making a concerted effort to not get in worse shape. Some people make resolutions to actually get in better shape, but mine was more simple and straightforward — I'd like to simply maintain my present …Read more.
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The War on Christmas … LightsIt seems that every time I open the newspaper or turn on the TV, there's someone railing about the "War on Christmas." If you haven't been alerted, approximately one-half of the country is up in arms at folks who choose to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." They're boycotting stores and signing petitions. The "Happy Holidayers" are hiding in fear, wondering how you could get in trouble for offering up a friendly greeting. I personally don't care whether you wish me Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or even tell me to have an excellent Festivus. This is all a ruse. The real war on Christmas is much more dangerous to our American way of life: Slowly but surely, someone behind the scenes is trying to choke off our supply of cheapo little white Christmas lights. You know the ones I'm talking about. They give off a yellowish glow, and they're made in some factory in China where they don't care about safety codes, let alone Christmas. The wires are green plastic, and the bulbs are so fragile you could break one if you grab it too hard. They're supposed to be reusable, but when you pull them out of the box just one Christmas later, they don't work, and you have to go out and buy more. The thing I like about them, though, is that they're cheap — about three bucks for a 12-foot strand. Years ago, you could find them in huge stacks in drug stores, supermarkets and hardware stores, but now they're becoming an endangered commodity. Each year at about this time, my wife and I spend an entire Saturday driving from store to store looking for the cheapo little white lights. And in store after store, we see stacks of icicle lights (the kind that don't look like icicles, but you tack them to your gutters anyway) and net lights (the kind you can throw over a bush if you're too lazy to wrap lights). But the place on the shelf where the cheapo little white lights used to be is always empty. There's usually a stock boy nearby who tells us that the cheapo little white lights sold out the first day they were on the shelf.
The people who make the cheapo little white lights have to know that their lights are selling out in one day, but they refuse to make more of them. Instead, they stock the shelves with more and more icicle lights and net lights, clearly mocking those of us who want and desperately need cheapo little white lights. It defies the laws of supply and demand or even basic logic, but it happens year after year, and I'm getting suspicious. The government is wrapped up in this sinister plot. They want us to switch to LED Christmas lights, which cost a four times more than cheapo lights but use very little energy and last about 10 times longer. I've stood by passively as they've phased out regular light bulbs and replaced them with compact fluorescent bulbs, which give off a sickly glow that makes everyone look like people you see drinking out of paper bags and hanging out at the bus station at 3 a.m. But LED lights give off a cold bluish light that doesn't look, well, Christmasy at all. And my Christmas tree is up for a few weeks. We only turn it on when we get home at night, and we always turn it off before bed, so it's not using that much energy anyway. And I don't really care that LED lights last so long. I'm not going to remember where I put them next year and will just have to buy more. As I write this column, our tree is up but not decorated because we don't have lights. Only two strands from last year's cheapo little white lights still work. I've been to five stores so far today, and all I saw were icicles, nets and empty shelves where cheapo little white lights used to be. Next year, I'm calling ahead to find out the exact day and time the cheapo little white lights are going to be put out on the shelves. Then I'm going to rush from store to store, filling my back seat and trunk so full I'll never have to shop for them again. I'll drive home laughing all the way, yelling "Happy Holidays!" and "Merry Christmas!" out the car window at passersby. I'll hide the cheapo little white lights in my basement and never be without again. After all, when there's a war on, you have to stock up on essential supplies. To find out more about Peter McKay, please visit www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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