creators home
creators.com lifestyle web

Recently

Don't Get All Up in My Grill! If you opened your window last weekend, you could hear it: homeowners across this great country walked out into their backyards, pulled the grill covers off their gas grills after a long hard winter, dusted them off, opened the lid, and cursed, …Read more. Hair Today In the news last week, we learned that as a high school student, Mitt Romney held down another boy in school with long hair and gave him a forced haircut. I am not weighing in on the story, because I have a rule. I never discuss politics in my …Read more. Fighting Against Sensorship – in the Bathroom When our great, great grandparents wanted to find water, they got themselves a forked stick, walked all over their property with that stick stuck out in front of them, and when the stick pointed itself at the ground, they'd dig a well. It wasn't …Read more. Shape Up or Ship Out For the past year or so, I've been making a concerted effort to not get in worse shape. Some people make resolutions to actually get in better shape, but mine was more simple and straightforward — I'd like to simply maintain my present …Read more.
more articles

My Extended Family Tree

Share Comment

This past Mother's Day weekend, my 15-year-old son was hard at work on a major spring school project. He had to prepare a large detailed chart showing his extended family members. All of the ninth graders in our neighborhood were doing the same that weekend, anxiously cutting out circles and squares, drawing exacting lines showing bloodlines and marriage dates. My wife and I both come from huge families, and my son's chart, as a result, stretched across three big poster boards, names spread out in both directions, some people he was familiar with, and others he had never heard of.

So I was thinking about family trees this past weekend, especially when I thought of our friend Helen. We've known Helen and her husband for 16 years, and our kids are the same age. As a result, our family has spent dozens and dozens of weekend nights in Helen's kitchen, talking until it got so late that we just had our kids sleep over while we went home. We always picked them up in the morning, but not until after they'd stuffed themselves with Helen's chocolate chip pancakes. It was a great way to get out of feeding our kids.

And my wife was so attached to her that whenever anybody would say something to kid Helen, my wife would jokingly but protectively put her arms around her and say, "Hey! Don't be mean to my Helen!"

Helen was also a fan of this column, or at least became one on my account. Years ago, I complained that I wondered whether anybody actually read my weekly rantings, and she assured me she, at least, did so faithfully. And just to make sure I didn't forget, or lose faith, at least once every couple weeks, she'd drop a sly reference to a recent column into conversation. Every time she'd do it, she'd smile and say, "See, I read you!" She didn't do this for a few weeks, or months, but for years.

Helen was just 45 when she passed unexpectedly and suddenly on Mother's Day, and it hurts like heck. For us, Helen was about as close to family as you can get without sharing an ancestor or at least without marrying into the family.

As my son finished up his family tree that Mother's Day night, I thought of the ancient arborists art of tree grafting, where they take a bud from one type of tree, one with admirable qualities, and attach it to a branch of another kind of tree.

It's a way of tricking nature into thinking that the two are one organism. Helen, at some point, became grafted onto our family over the years.

What's funny is that we didn't really know who Helen's other friends were until after she died. My wife created a web page where friends who loved her could pick out a day and sign up to deliver meals to her husband and children. Within a day, the list had grown so long that the family would have meals halfway through the summer. At the funeral home, the line stretched out the door, across the porch, made a U-turn in the back parking lot, and then snaked down to the street.

People I've never met before would introduce themselves by saying they felt as if Helen were their best friend in the world. I was shocked. How could one woman have so many best friends?

It seems that even though Helen had her own family, she had grafted herself onto a lot of other family trees as well. People from all over were coming forward, claiming this woman as family.

The day before she died, I saw Helen for just a few moments in her back yard. I was driving our kids to a local amusement park for the day. As she walked away, Helen smiled and told me to enjoy the roller coaster. I was about to snarl that I'd written, just a couple weeks before, about my hatred of amusement park rides. Before I could, she turned, smiled, and said, as she had so many, many times before, "See! I read you!"

It's not all that easy writing week after week, years on end, wondering whether anybody's out there actually reading it. For me, it made things a lot easier knowing that every time I did it, there was someone who, if only to be kind, read me and who would pick out some nugget to mention later, just to prove it.

My guess is a lot of other people — people I don't even know — felt the same way that week: that their own family tree had suddenly lost a limb. It may have been grafted on, but it felt like it belonged there.

To find out more about Peter McKay, please visit www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.


Comments

11 Comments | Post Comment
Hey Peter,
Ever since I found your article on yahoo, I've been a fan, I read your articles every week without fail. They never fail to make me laugh - I know it gets updated every Tuesday! (at least over where I am.) This is a very touching article and quite insightful. Stay strong :)
Cheers..
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kuixotiq
Tue May 19, 2009 1:43 AM

Hi Peter,
I read your article every Tuesday, and can't wait to lunchtime break so I can check for updates. Keep up the great work!

K
Comment: #2
Posted by: Kim
Tue May 19, 2009 5:45 AM
I read you! I anxiously hop on the computer first thing when I get to work every Tuesday to read your latest. You're hilarious! It definitely makes my Tuesday when I can start my day with a laugh. Thanks!!!!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Crystal
Tue May 19, 2009 8:51 AM
Not that this one was funny, but you know what I mean!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Crystal
Tue May 19, 2009 8:52 AM
First off I want to give my condolences and say thank you for writing such a touching pieces that makes one think about the people in our non-biological families and how much they mean to us.... I absolutely adore your weekly piece and you brighten my day so much... thank you
Comment: #5
Posted by: megan
Tue May 19, 2009 12:29 PM
I read your column every week. You alway brighten my day!!!!!!I Absolutely love your columns. I wish you would write a new one everyday!!! I always ask co-workers if they read your columns and they say "who is that". They don't anymore... they love you too. Keep writing...more people enjoy it more than I think you realize.

LaFayette, GA (the tiniest dot on the map)

Kristy Powell
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kristy
Tue May 19, 2009 1:51 PM
Peter, I am sorry for you and your family's loss. I recently read a quote that I feel is very true, as I have a friend who is more like a sister to me and mother to my kids, than just a friend. "Friends are Family Members That You Choose"
By the way I read you each week too!
Comment: #7
Posted by: CynCatz
Tue May 19, 2009 4:12 PM
I'm very sorry for you and your family and the loss of your beloved family member.

It's never failed to amaze me how strangers can turn into family and the bond be as strong, if not stronger, than that you feel for your blood relatives. My family tree has been grafted many times and I think that it's a stronger family because of it.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I look forward to your column each week.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Shannon
Tue May 19, 2009 6:46 PM
Sorry for your loss Peter! I know exactly what you mean about extended family, sometimes they are easier to count on and trust than the family you are born into.

Hang in there!

Another loyal reader!
Comment: #9
Posted by: Kristelle
Thu May 21, 2009 10:58 AM
I am so sorry for your family's loss. We do understand some of where you are coming from. My youngest sister's best friend died at 19 in his sleep. No one even knew he was ill, including his parents. We miss him still today, but we still see those beautiful blue eyes and bright red hair, as he posed himself at the front of my mother's glass front door. Everyone loved him and as with your friend, the largest church in our town could not hold all who knew and loved him. He now watches over us and keeps us inline I am sure. I also enjoy your humor and fun side, and I do well keep both feet on the ground. May your healing be quick, but the memory of your family friend live on. Keep up the good work, she would have had it no other way.
Comment: #10
Posted by: kd
Thu May 21, 2009 8:04 PM
I am sorry for your loss. Most of my 'close family' are people that I have picked, who love me and my children, AND now my Granddaughter! My children have many Aunts and I have no sister's and only one sister in law.

My Sunday just feels off if I don't read your column online with my cup of coffee. Your column gets sent all over the internet and sometimes printed out to share with co workers. Thank you for making me laugh AND cry. Thanks also for reminding me to call those I love, and who are far away.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Katie
Sun May 24, 2009 7:52 AM
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
Other similar columns
W. Bruce Cameron
W. Bruce Cameron
by W. Bruce Cameron
Dr. Rallie McAllister
Your Health
by Dr. Rallie McAllister
Holiday Mathis
Horoscopes by Holiday
by Holiday Mathis
More
Peter McKay
May. `12
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
29 30 1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31 1 2
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month