Peter McKay

Yesterday, over my morning coffee, I read in my paper that parents in New York City are all atwitter because tuitions at most private schools are just about to creep up past the $40,000 mark. I stared at the story for a full minute before it hit me: They weren't talking about college. They were talking about regular old kindergarten-through-12th-grade schools — the places where you learn reading, writing and arithmetic.

According to the article, that 40K figure is often just the base fee. Well-to-do parents are also forking out money for fundraisers, activity fees and special tutors, all in the hopes of making sure that their kids will one day be the bosses of your kids. (Students at these swanky schools are expected to bring their own silver spoons and can save money by sitting on a stick before enrolling.)

In one of the most bizarre aspects of this situation, parents are shelling out more than $21,000 for private consultants to help 4-year-old Muffy or Chad get into the best kindergartens in the city. One preschool — preschool! — is charging close to $40,000. Considering the fact that preschoolers do little more than take naps, finger-paint and sing songs while wearing crudely constructed paper hats, that's kind of steep. I did a quick calculation, and these parents will pay almost a half-million in tuition and fees just to get their offspring to high school graduation.

Now, to be fair, I don't have a lot of exposure to ritzy private academies. I know something about them because I have seen four of the seven "Harry Potter" movies. (At least, I'm pretty sure. I might have seen one of them twice; they're sort of confusing.) If you took away the magic and Quidditch, though, it didn't seem all that nice, and the sweaters looked downright uncomfortable.

All of the McKays — me, my wife and all of our assorted and sundry children too — have attended public schools, where the only entrance requirement was an updated shot record.

(Interestingly enough, that's also the only requirement to get an appointment for your dog at the pet groomers.) So we can't really relate.

And clearly, these private schools offer classes that most of us regular folks won't need. They provide instruction in Mandarin Chinese and paddle tennis, as well as courses in being condescending during dinner parties, sending restaurant food back because steaks aren't cooked to perfection, and feigning ignorance when someone mentions anything having to do with pop culture.

I never got around to joining my local "occupy" movement because 1) I wasn't sure what they were all about; 2) I couldn't read their signs; and 3) I slept in a tent a number of times as a middle schooler and am so not going back there. But reading this article made me realize how out of touch some rich folks are.

I think it's safe to say that if you have $40,000 to send your kid to a preschool, you officially have too much money. You might want to consider doing something more constructive with that cash, such as taking a bath in a tub full of dollar bills. Better yet, you could buy cartons of milk — one each for about 80,000 of those poor foreign kids Sally Struthers asks you to sponsor. I bet they'd name the village after you.

I know I can't do anything about this ridiculous trend, so I've decided to simply take advantage of it. I'd like to announce that I'm moving to New York City and opening my own educational "consulting" firm. For only $50,000 a shot, I can show wealthy parents how to save up to $500,000 on their child's education. All you need is a map showing you where your local public school can be found.

Oh, and of course, you'll need an updated shot record.

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