Peter McKay from Creators Syndicate

Cry Me a River for 02/14/2012

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0800

My wife and I have five kids. We started with three boys and then, once we'd officially learned the basics, went on to have twin girls. I thought I knew how to parent, but going from males to females was like going from basic math to trigonometry.

I have a basic understanding of boys because I was one. Boys require food — lots of it — and occasionally, you have to buy them ne ...

Updated: Tue Feb 14, 2012

Cat Craze for 02/07/2012

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0800

I have a confession to make. I am afraid of cats.

I'm not afraid that they'll attack me or sneak up in the middle of the night and suffocate me (as they have been known to do to babies for centuries — look it up on the Internet).

I'm afraid that one day, despite years of resistance, I will end up owning one.

We had a dog for years, and I never had a problem. But now t ...

Updated: Tue Feb 07, 2012

Money to Burn for 01/31/2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Yesterday, over my morning coffee, I read in my paper that parents in New York City are all atwitter because tuitions at most private schools are just about to creep up past the $40,000 mark. I stared at the story for a full minute before it hit me: They weren't talking about college. They were talking about regular old kindergarten-through-12th-grade schools — the places where you learn ...

Updated: Tue Jan 31, 2012

Tweenage Dream for 01/24/2012

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Like almost every other American household this year, our home ended up after the holidays with a lot of new electronic items. I got an iPad. It was one of those gifts you don't know you want until you have it. Suddenly, I could check my email and watch silly Youtube videos from any spot in the house, even the bathroom. My 15-year-old daughter, who loves to read, got her own dream gift — ...

Updated: Tue Jan 24, 2012

Eau de Play-Doh for 01/17/2012

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

It all started a few weeks ago when I noticed a package of cookies in our pantry with a few cookies missing. This in itself was not all that unusual. With three kids in the house, I'm lucky if I ever see a cookie. But this package had a small hole ripped in the side and a tiny trail of crumbs heading toward a hole in the wall. I'm no Columbo, but I suspected mice.

I've dealt with mice be ...

Updated: Tue Jan 17, 2012

A Beep in the Night for 01/10/2012

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

I've spent much of my spare time in the past month in my basement tool shed. I'm not working on a project or anything, and I'm not in trouble (that I know of); I've just been looking for a "beep."

Like many a suburban dad, I decided when we moved into this house years ago that a section of the basement was to be cordoned off as Dad's Shop. I wanted a place where I could do word ...

Updated: Tue Jan 10, 2012

The House of Ill Repute for 01/03/2012

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Over the holidays, everybody in my family got lots of presents. One by one, they also, like clockwork, got really sick.

From what I'm hearing, we're not alone. Almost all the people I talked to back at work had the same story — when you asked them how their holidays went, they'd wince, shrug their shoulders and tell you that some sort of bug had bugged up their celebrations. One gu ...

Updated: Tue Jan 03, 2012

Rubik's Revenge for 12/27/2011

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

The other day, my twin 15-year-old daughters came home from school hunched over, each engrossed in a Rubik's Cube.

If you weren't around in the 1970s, a Rubik's Cube is a square block made up of other little multi-colored blocks. Ideally, a (smart) child takes this block, concentrates really hard, turns the little squares, and ends up with all the little blocks neatly arranged with all b ...

Updated: Tue Dec 27, 2011

Ghosts of Christmas Presents for 12/20/2011

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

When we had small children running around the house, Christmas was a huge event that required weeks of arrangement. Sure, there was decorating and cooking, but coordinating gift-giving required planning on the scale of the D-Day invasion.

Buying Christmas presents for small kids is stressful. You don't want to spoil them, but you want to make sure that they have a good Christmas morning, ...

Updated: Tue Dec 20, 2011

The War on Christmas … Lights for 12/13/2011

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

It seems that every time I open the newspaper or turn on the TV, there's someone railing about the "War on Christmas." If you haven't been alerted, approximately one-half of the country is up in arms at folks who choose to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." They're boycotting stores and signing petitions. The "Happy Holidayers" are hiding ...

Updated: Tue Dec 13, 2011

Short Circuit for 12/06/2011

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Every Christmas, I string pine garland around our front door and weave in little white lights. To keep those lights lit, I run an extension cord around to the side porch, where we have a plug. This weekend, I spent half a Saturday on a ladder, but when it was all done and I went to plug in the lights, nothing happened.

Years ago, we had a new electric line run to this porch outlet. Becau ...

Updated: Tue Dec 06, 2011

Good Boy for 11/29/2011

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

I was bitten by a nasty black poodle named Gin when I was about 12. He took a chunk out of my back, and I still have a scar. I had to live for years with the shame (and teasing from my brothers) that I had been bitten by, of all things, a poodle. Also, because I cried. And fainted.

So I've had a lifelong wariness about dogs. Sure, they're man's best friend, but they're also animals with ...

Updated: Tue Nov 29, 2011

Your Official Giftmas Shopping Guide for 11/22/2011

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

For years now, we've had a holiday tradition in this country. We all sit around the table on Thanksgiving, holding hands like Whos in Whoville and telling each other what we're thankful for. Then, because we're so dissatisfied with what we have, a lot of us go to bed early, get up before dawn on Friday and sit in lines for "doorbuster" deals at chain stores so we can get more stuff.
Updated: Tue Nov 22, 2011

The Nocebo Effect for 11/15/2011

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

We all know what the placebo effect is: If you give someone a sugar pill and tell him it will make him feel better, he does end up feeling better. This is partially because the mind has a powerful effect on the body and partially because we all like a little sugar buzz, don't we?

The "nocebo" effect is the exact opposite. It happens when people believe that an illness or side e ...

Updated: Tue Nov 15, 2011

Strangers With Candy for 11/08/2011

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Every time you think we've reached the absolute rock bottom of stupidity, people are willing to dig just a little bit deeper in an attempt to set a new record.

This week, I read that parents across the country are sending away in the mail for lollipops that were already licked by kids who had chicken pox so they can give them to their own kids.

Evidently, these parents don't trus ...

Updated: Tue Nov 08, 2011

I Just Can't Quit You, Cable Company! for 11/01/2011

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0700

When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to join the Columbia Record Club. For just one dollar, you could pick ten albums and then, according to the ad, quit any time you wanted. My parents refused, advising me that I would be signing up for a nightmare: Each month, a random reject record would arrive in the mail, whether I wanted it or not, and if I didn't send it back that very day, I'd have bo ...

Updated: Tue Nov 01, 2011

The Worst Seat in the House for 10/25/2011

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

In our living room, we have a big-screen TV. We have a leather couch and a loveseat — both of them very comfortable — with deep, soft cushions. We also have a bunch of throw pillows and a couple quilts. It's the perfect place to sit and watch TV after a long, hard day. At least that's what my kids tell me; I'm writing this column from our kitchen table.

Years ago, I finished ...

Updated: Tue Oct 25, 2011

When Dad's Rocking the V-Neck, Look out for 10/18/2011

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

It started innocently enough. I was at a men's store looking for clothes, and I came across a V-neck T-shirt on deep discount. I have white crew-neck T-shirts I wear under a dress shirt at work, and I have a collection of crew-neck T-shirts that I do stuff around the house in, but I hadn't really seen a V-neck in decades. I bought it without thinking much about it.

My dad used to wear V- ...

Updated: Tue Oct 18, 2011

The Clothes Don't Make the Man for 10/11/2011

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Over my many years, I have come to realize that there are fundamental differences between men and women when it comes to clothes.

Most women have their clothes ranked. They have clothes they really like ("Don't I look good!?" clothes), clothes they look OK in ("All right, so I don't look great, but I'm trying" clothes), clothes they'll wear only around the house (&quo ...

Updated: Tue Oct 11, 2011

Eat This -- Not That! for 10/04/2011

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

For a week or so, we've been coming downstairs in the mornings to find the contents of our kitchen trash can spread across the floor like a $9.99 all-you-can-eat buffet in hell. We know, of course, who the culprit is: our ancient, smelly West Highland Terrier, Harry. Like an incompetent criminal, he leaves his prints everywhere, usually in smeared butter or gravy.

We keep our garbage in ...

Updated: Tue Oct 04, 2011