Peter McKay from Creators Syndicate

I Was Framed for 07/07/2009

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Back in the olden days, before they invented digital cameras, people used to take pictures on slide film. They'd spend a lot of money to get them developed, then assemble the slides at home on big carousels, load them into projectors and then bore the heck out of their neighbors. Throughout the fifties and sixties, all across this country you could hear the groan of unsuspecting dinner guests, ...

Updated: Tue Jul 07, 2009

Night Owls for 07/14/2009

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I first noticed it a few years ago, when our oldest son went away to college. I called him on his cell, and he (disrespectfully) let me know I'd woken him up. I looked at my watch. It was past noon. Well past.

When I (respectfully) pointed out that I, along with virtually every other decent person except for those who work the night shift, had been up for six hours, he scoffed at me. He ...

Updated: Tue Jul 14, 2009

Moment of Decision … for 07/21/2009

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

For the past few days, my wife has been searching on the Internet for the perfect beach house to rent for a week. I know this because every evening, just about every five minutes or so, she calls out "How about this one?" and I trudge over, glance at a set of snapshots of kitchens, bedrooms and porches, and grunt, assertively but noncommittally, "Looks OK!" I'm barely back o ...

Updated: Tue Jul 21, 2009

Jean Therapy Gone Wrong for 07/28/2009

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last week, the news wires were burning up when the president of the United States threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game in St. Louis. That part probably wouldn't have garnered too much attention. Presidents have been throwing out pitches since before we had All-Star Games, or news wires, for that matter. What got everybody jawboning was the fact that Obama showed up at the game wearing ...

Updated: Tue Jul 28, 2009

Step By Step for 08/04/2009

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last week, my wife and children left me.

Before you start turning to your spouse, offering up a high five, and saying, "About time!" I have to clarify: They went to the beach for an entire week. Because I am too important to take off an entire week, and am frankly not that big a fan of 12 hours in the car with kids, I stayed behind for a few days to go to "work,", and ...

Updated: Tue Aug 04, 2009

On the Beach for 08/11/2009

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

This past month, my wife rented a house at the beach in North Carolina and drove the kids down for a week to bake in the sun. I waited a few days and caught up with them by airplane.

My wife lives 51 weeks a year yearning for that one week when she can breathe the salt air, listen to the waves and feel the sand between her toes. If she could, she'd be on the beach from sunup to sundown. ...

Updated: Tue Aug 11, 2009

Giving the Kids the Cold Shoulder for 08/18/2009

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

As anyone who lives near me can tell you, we don't have central air conditioning. They can tell you this is because every time the weather starts to creep into the upper part of the thermometer, they can hear my kids from across the street, wailing, in pained and painful tones, why they were born into the type of family that would live in a house with no air conditioning.

We live in a ho ...

Updated: Tue Aug 18, 2009

The Deck is Stacked in My Favor for 08/25/2009

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

After 16 years of home ownership, I've found that almost every home project is a balancing act. If I do the entire job myself, I gain an immense sense of self-satisfaction. For years afterward, I'll be able to point to the project and say, "… I remember when I put those steps in … " or "you should have seen the old light fixture we had! I remember … "

But there's alwa ...

Updated: Tue Aug 25, 2009

When the Fur Flies … for 09/01/2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The other week, our neighbors went away for a week and needed someone to watch Milo.

Milo is one of those small, longhaired dogs that you usually see sticking out of heiress' purses. They're tiny, yippy and frenetic. Real dogs actually wince when they see these little fur balls; they're embarrassed to be associated with them. Technically, they might not even really be dogs, as they seem ...

Updated: Tue Sep 01, 2009

Blanket Immunity for 09/08/2009

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

For the past few years, my wife and I have divided up the task of making sure the kids' rooms don't spiral too far out of hand. Sometimes this takes the form of ordering kids upstairs to clean up after themselves, or sometimes when we get tired of the sound of our own voices and the sight of blank, bored stares, it means getting in there ourselves with a vacuum, a trash bag and a wet dust rag.< ...

Updated: Tue Sep 08, 2009

If You Got it, Flaunt it for 09/15/2009

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

In recent weeks, I've noticed a secret campaign being waged behind the scenes by our media elite. They're not trying to get poor folks health care or stop pollution. No, this campaign is aimed at getting out-of-shape young people, or just sloppy-looking people, who used to be in shape — and now not so much — to give up being ashamed and free themselves by letting it all hang out, ri ...

Updated: Tue Sep 15, 2009

I Won't Grow Up! for 09/22/2009

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last Sunday night, my wife and I were lying in bed, watching TV, when the phone rang. That never happens on Sunday night in our house, so I jumped up and ran to answer it. I wasn't the first to pick up. One of my 13-year-old daughters was already on the line with a friend, urgent whispers shooting across the fiber optic line.

"Hello?" I interrupted.

"Dad!" my d ...

Updated: Tue Sep 22, 2009

Soccer Mom for 09/29/2009

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last week, I suffered the ultimate indignity in a life where each week is a headlong race to the bottom.

My wife had signed up to "man" the concession stand at our son's soccer game months earlier. It's something that every mom on the team has to do at one point or another during the season. It involves making hot dogs, nachos and sloppy Joes, mixing up cups of powdered hot cho ...

Updated: Tue Sep 29, 2009

Pickup and Drop-off Inc. for 10/06/2009

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

This past Wednesday evening after work, my wife and I called each other at least seven times trying to arrange a tightly orchestrated ballet of pickups, deliveries and handovers.

On that night, we pick up our 15-year-old son at his soccer practice at 6, then get our twin 13-year-old girls from another soccer field at 6:30, and take one of the girls to her guitar lesson at 7. At 7:30, we ...

Updated: Tue Oct 06, 2009

There's Gold in That Thar Freezer! for 10/13/2009

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Every once in a while, you get a chance to find out how much you're worth. I'm not talking bank accounts because I'm ashamed of mine, and these days, I'll bet you are, too. I'm talking instead about how much you're valued around the house, what you're worth to family members. To a spouse.

This past week, my wife was making dinner. We were going to have chicken. Fried chicken. She asked m ...

Updated: Tue Oct 13, 2009

Mom's Best Friend for 10/20/2009

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

For the past week, my wife has been out of town for work. The kids and I have fared fairly well. I can sort of cook, and the kids have learned over the years to have low expectations when Dad's in charge. The dog, however, is another matter.

Harry, a worn-out, smelly, old West Highland Terrier made it clear that he only loved my wife. He would tolerate the rest of us, but not without let ...

Updated: Tue Oct 20, 2009

Get R' Done Day for 10/27/2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last Saturday, I was out running errands while my wife stayed at home to catch up on some long-delayed house cleaning. I called her between stops to see how it was going.

"Not good," she said into the phone. "One, the washing machine just started to smoke. Two, I just noticed the wall in the second-floor bathroom has water damage and will have to be fixed. Three, it looks ...

Updated: Tue Oct 27, 2009

Revenge of the Baby Geniuses for 11/03/2009

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

This past week, I read that Disney, the company that owns the "Baby Einstein" video series, was offering refunds to any parents who had purchased the products in the last five years and were dissatisfied. "Baby Einstein" videos, all the rage a few years ago, are "interactive" products designed to stimulate infants' intellects. Plunk junior in front of one of these ...

Updated: Tue Nov 03, 2009

Battle Grounds for 11/10/2009

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

As my father got older, like a lot of men, he became more finicky about certain things. One of them was his morning coffee. A true caffeine fiend, every night before bed, Pop would set the coffee maker, along with two cups, a spoon and sugar bowl, in exactly the right position, so he could get his fix as quickly as possible. To mess with his coffee setup was to risk sudden death. At the time, I ...

Updated: Tue Nov 10, 2009

All Dressed Up … for 11/17/2009

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Somehow over the past few years, our smelly, grumpy old West Highland Terrier of a dog has found himself a pied-a-terre. (That's French for "second home." I looked it up on the Internet.) Harry still sleeps here at night, but every morning, somewhere around 9:30, my mother-in-law stops by, dangles a leash and takes him down to her house for the day. When she brings him back, right bef ...

Updated: Tue Nov 17, 2009