Her Mother, the Dinosaur by Margo Howard on Creators.com

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Responding to Poor Judgment Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more. If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more. What's Up with That? Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more. Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.

Her Mother, the Dinosaur

Dear Margo: I'm a 22-year-old student who just moved back in with my mother to help ease the cost of medical school. I moved out of our house when I was 17, one day after my graduation from high school, and never wanted to come back. However, I find myself having to make certain sacrifices so I can become a doctor. The problem is that my mother has always treated my little brother and me differently. She swears she loves us equally, but he is a boy and I am a girl, so she feels I should take care of him.

Now that he is 18, her thinking has made him immature to the point where he is completely helpless and has not a clue how to survive without someone telling him what to do, when to do it and how. He does not know how to find a job, wash his clothes or make any sort of food. He barely graduated from high school and has a DUI, has been to jail and has been at fault in an accident. My mother constantly rationalizes his behavior and blames it on the fact that she and my father divorced 15 years ago. She has told me on several occasions that men should not have to do anything, and that it's my job to do everything for my brother. Now, I am not a raging feminist, but I have had it up to my eyeballs with her prehistoric thought process. I have two jobs, go to school full time and volunteer for community activities. I don't have time to raise her child for her. What should I do? She is raising a man she will grow to hate. — Up to My Eyeballs in Prehistoric Thought

Dear Up: Sorry, she is not raising anyone; plus, she has a screw loose. This kid has been crippled by her nutty ideas. Because it sounds to me like all your time is spoken for, I would decline caring for your brother.

That is her job, being a girl and all, though a superannuated one. I suggest you try — once — to explain to your mother how she has dropped the ball and invite her to pick it up. Enlist a trusted outsider's help if necessary. — Margo, incredulously

Don't Get Mad, Get Even

Dear Margo: My husband and I invited his sister and her 40-year-old live-at-home daughter to visit us at our new lake cottage for the weekend. The daughter moved right in, consuming most of our food and beverages and leaving a trail of debris behind her. Not once did she clear a dish or take her glass to the kitchen. She also rearranged my bookcase to her liking.

The most appalling thing was when I asked for her bath towels so I could wash them and she included her nightgown and two pairs of worn underwear. I have never washed anyone's underwear other than that of my immediate family. To keep the peace, I simply washed and returned her items. I've been married to her uncle for only two years (a second marriage for both of us). I almost felt she was deliberately trying to test me and perhaps interfere with my marriage. Do I say something to her after the fact? I would love to send her an e-mail and tell her exactly how I feel. Incidentally, when they left, they asked if they could come back next month for an entire week, by themselves. My husband agrees with my feelings, but suggests I leave well enough alone and not confront her. — Sue

Dear Sue: I love the business with the bookcase. The middle-aged daughter is a head case. I suggest, instead of sending an e-mail telling her what was wrong with her behavior, you just say you are unable to accommodate their wishes for a week by themselves. If they can't figure it out, all the better. — Margo, wincingly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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LW1: Gee, and I thought I was old-fashioned in my views on male-female relations. The fact that a woman (the mother) has bought into this is even stranger. Even I would like to get a few minutes alone with this kid and whip his butt. And that might be part of the problem...it sounds like he hasn't received an ounce of discipline growing up, rather, has been spoiled rotten and now has an entitlement mentality. Worse, he has been babied to the point where he is unable to care for himself or accept the consequences of his actions. The mom was probably overcome with guilt following the divorce and spoiled the brother as a result, though it's interesting she didn't treat her daughter the same way. Where was the LW's dad during all this - did he even attempt to be a father figure following the dissolution of the marriage? Did anyone within the family or without, suggest finding a positive male role model so that this kid could grow up understanding what it means to be a responsible man? Geesh. Textbook case of what happens to kids who grow up without fathers, and to aggravate the situation, where the mother has a completely misplaced sense of priorities. I'd say this kid ought to find himself in the Marine Corps, frankly. A few weeks of basic training will beat some sense of reality into him. They've worked wonders with young "men" like this and completely turned their lives around.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Sat Oct 3, 2009 9:23 PM

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Re: Matt, I agree with you on almost all counts except one: kids can grow up in a single-parent household and still become productive and responsible adults. The real culprit here is the mother, who should have raised her two children equally. Divorce is not the issue here, because if the father was deceased the mother would still have had to raise the kids on her own. She simply did not raise the son, and it also sounds like the daughter has more sense than her own mother too.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Mon Oct 5, 2009 5:57 AM

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Her Mother, the Dinosaur

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