Classic Ann Landers

Re: LW1 - Wow. Just WOW.

I hope she knows how many frail and elderly people are predeceased by their worn-out caregivers.

Does LW1 have any idea how lucky she is that her sister has been doing all this? LW1 sounds like a spoiled child. HER holidays? HER family? I hope to heck Mom is rolling in it and completely leaves HER out of the will.

LW1 She might have a family of her own but she also needs to think about her sister and her mom who 87 years old in a wheelchair and in a nursing home. They are apart of her family to. She does need to go at least every month or two months to help Judy and give her a break. She is being so selfish and self centered. If she doesn't then i do hope her mom leaves her out of the will because she does not deserve anything when she hasn't been there for her mom. It breaks my heart that she won't go for holidays and spend it with her mom and her sister Judy and that she is never there for her mom. Her mom is more important then money. I will be praying for the family and hope they help Judy and visit there mom.

Judy might not have a bunch of extra bedrooms, but surely some visiting relatives can sleep on the floor!

LW1 is making excuses because she doesn't want to help her sister look after their mom. That's the way of it in some families. One will carry the load, or the brunt of it, while the others go their merry way and check in and out as they please. I went thru that with my parents. I had the main load of their care, plus working, etc. LW1 is probably on her own pity-party where she lives, telling everyone who'll listen how she "can't" help with her mom, and how bad she feels because of it, etc. And I heard plenty of "call me if you need me," with loads of excuses as to why they weren't available at a given time, but "call me if you need me."

When my mother died six years ago (my father died first, three years before), a woman in the community whom I hadn't seen in over 20 years came over. All she did was put her arm around me, and ask "are you working?" After that, she put in what I call a card and telephone campaign professing her long-standing goodwill for me and desire of friendship, etc. No, she didn't go to the funeral, nor did she show up when my father died. She never professed her feelings to my face. I ignored her calls and letters, hoping she'd take the gentle hint. No luck, she kept those cards coming. Each card and phone call ended with "and remember, we love you," sentiments she had never before professed to me. I resorted to call block. Finally, the last card she sent, I did what I should've done at the first: I wrote "refused, return to sender" on the front, circled it, and on the back I wrote, "quit bothering me, I'm not interested in you" and back in the box it went. So far she hasn't bothered me any more. The last time (fortunately)I saw her was in a checkout lane at Walmart a couple months after Mama died. She bubbled over with goodwill and I ignored her to the extent the cashier noticed and commented on it. Fortunately, I haven't seen this woman again since. Whatever prompted her behavior towards me after all these years, I have no clue. She was making me very uncomfortable. She didn't just do this a couple of times, folks, it was over a couple of years after my mother died. She's probably totally cluess as to why I want nothing to do with her.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME...
Let me get this straight---your sister is singlehandedly carrying the load taking care of your mom and she only asks that one of you come every three months---which means--since there are 3 of you besides Judy--she's basically asking you to get off your ass once a year and come visit your mother and give her a break from caretaking for a few days. You have got to take a good hard look at yourself and ask how you can be so off the mark regarding your responsibilities towards your own mother and your sister.

Obviously you don't have a clue what your sister's life is like---she has a family too, remember?
Sure she started out happy and cheerful and now she's probably lucky she's still married and able to care for her own family and show up at her job. And all she's asking is that you give up one holiday a year to spend in her area so she actually gets a break and can enjoy her own family? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I can think of a dozen ways you could make this work if you really wanted to help out. The fact that you even have the nerve to complain that you can't stay for free at Judy's house for the week appalls me---like she needs more work having overnite houseguests when THE WHOLE POINT OF THE EXERCISE IS TO GIVE HER AND HER FAMILY A BREAK .
You cannot appreciate the work and pressure your sister is under 24/7--even if you do come once a year--you still don't know what it's like---because it is the day in, day out, unrelenting pressure of taking care of an elderly parent and having to beg your siblings to pitch in. Please search your heart and do the right thing. You have it in you.

Accommodating Guests by Request
Hosting relative strangers in the form of relatives or long-ago friends with whom the host(ess) doesn't have much in common anymore is doing them a favor to save on hotel/lodgings expense. Guests in this category should observe the following:
Don't expect royal treatment
Don't arrive with expectations. Don't use people. Don't think the world owes you food, lodging and handmaidens. Happily, you have a place to sleep, something to eat and dry shelter… and it's free.
Don't stay too long
Don't overstay your welcome. Repeat, don't overstay your welcome. Three days or so is a good amount of time for a visit. For certain house guests, anything over a day might be long enough. Even the closest of family members need their space. If you leave your hosts with a good feeling towards you and your visit, maybe they would like to invite you back in the future. Remember the old saying: “Fish and visitors smell in three days”. ~Benjamin Franklin
Show Appreciation for Your Host(ess)
The host(ess) has spent time, money and effort on your behalf to provide you with accommodations and basic necessities. Accept gracefully and gratefully what is given. Don't make requests, demands or have expectations beyond bedroom and bathroom facilities. Anything else is a plus. Count your blessings.
The forbidden
Criticize anything. If below your expectations, go to a hotel.
Don't disrupt household routines.
Arrive when you say you will arrive; call if there will be a delay. Don't complain if they only eat twice a day. If they sleep late, don't expect them to get up early for you. It is possible that your hosts are exhausted from preparing for your visit.
Minimize transportation requests
Expect to arrange your own transportation, use the bus, etc. If your hosts are kind enough to pick you up or take you to the airport, offer to pay for their gasoline; airport shuttling is a round trip for your host. If arriving late at night or during rush hour, consider taking an airport shuttle bus or taxi so as not to burden your hosts.
Don't expect your host(ess) to be your valet, travel agent or event booking agent.
Be your own tour guide
Don't expect your hosts to play tour guide or chauffeur unless they have explicitly offered this service. Don't expect them to drive you about town, run multiple errands or cause them to miss work or, if retired, disrupt their schedule because of you. If you are lucky enough that they offered to take you sightseeing, offer to pay for parking or their admission fees to the various attractions and do pay for lunch and drinks if within touring schedule. Also, with high fuel prices, offer to pay for gas. If they do a lot of driving on your behalf, offer to fill or top up their tank. If this does not appeal to you, simply plan your own sightseeing outings.
Meals
Polite hosting does not extend past providing non-alcoholic beverages, fixings for breakfast, sandwiches and snacks. You may get a “tour” of the pantry, refrigerator and cooking utensils the first time your host(ess) prepares your breakfast or at an appropriate time after your arrival. If told after the “tour” that you are invited to help yourself please do so and don't expect the host(ess) to “wait” on you. After helping yourself, remember a must…clean after yourself. Do not, do not, leave dirty dishes and pans for your host(ess) to clean/wash. If in doubt, check with host(ess) after the “tour” how dishes and pans should be washed and then do it right. Don't give the lame excuse that you did not know how to do it properly. If your expectations were a home cooked meal, your host(ess) would probably enjoy it as much as you would. If you want a great meal and to be waited on, go to a restaurant and invite your host(ess). If you lack the cash and would rather cook at home, ask your host(ess) if that would be OK, go to the grocery store, pay for the groceries, cook the meal, set the table, serve it and clean up.
Computer
Don't spend a lot of time on the host(ess) computer. If offered a “guest computer” to check your emails, accept it graciously. If the “guest computer” is not to your satisfaction, rent one.
Telephone
If host(ess) is kind enough to lend you their phone, don't make long distance calls on their dime. If you have your own cell phone, don't regularly walk about the house talking or texting; your hosts might wonder why you visited them instead of the person you're telephoning.
Be helpful and appreciative
If treated to a home-cooked meal, offer to peel potatoes, clear or set the table, wash the dishes, anything. Compliment your host/hostess on his/her cooking, hospitality, lovely home, etc. Write a thank-you note after your leave and observe etiquette in doing so, i.e., mention something appreciated the host(ess) did for you. Make it personal not trite or convencional.
Don't be troublesome.
Don't expect your hosts to provide you with toiletries or hotel courtesies. Remove decorative bedspreads before sleeping or lounging on them. Don't put things into the toilet that could cause it to back up or overflow. Don't stain towels or bedding with hair pomades, cosmetics. Ultimately it all boils down to respect and gratitude.
Do not assume your host(ess) is Well Off.
This applies particularly if they are retired. Just because they live in a “nice home” it does not mean they have a high income. Most retirees have a very restricted income. If they happen to own a nice home, it was most likely paid for through their hard work, savings and planning. Do not feel “entitled” as a younger generation. They are not your Mother and Father and, even if they were, you “owe” them. You were an expensive charge.
The above do not exclude hygiene and good manners.
Educate yourself on these before becoming a houseguest. It's your responsibility.