W. Bruce Cameron from Creators Syndicate

Conversation With the College Boy for 02/11/2012

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Editor's Note: The following column was originally published in 2007.

My son graduated from high school and got accepted into college without, so far as I could see, ever getting out of bed in the daytime. By the time he managed to drag himself out the door and get to school, there couldn't have been anyone remaining in the building but the night janitor.

"Son," ...

Updated: Sat Feb 11, 2012

Hop-along Boy for 02/04/2012

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Editor's Note: The following column was originally published in 2006.

Though I'm generally a responsible parent, I didn't really become concerned about my son's ability to get into a good college until I saw his grades in pre-school.

His academic performance was mostly satisfactory. He received smiley faces in Listens to Story Time, Holding a Pencil and Hanging Up His Jack ...

Updated: Sat Feb 04, 2012

For Hype by Owner for 01/28/2012

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Editor's Note: The following column was originally published in 2006.

The Internet has gone a long way toward eliminating middlemen from commercial transactions, allowing consumers to have easy access to all sorts of great scams. Take home buying, for example. Why pay a realtor to screen houses for you when the Internet enables the seller to lie to you directly? You just enter th ...

Updated: Sat Jan 28, 2012

Goldy's Perspective for 01/21/2012

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Editor's Note: The following column was originally published in 2006.

I guess I always thought that my first grandchild wouldn't be a goldfish. I played along, though, when my then-8-year-old daughter solemnly explained that the arrival of "Princess Goldy" at our house meant that I was a grandfather. "Great," I said, "I always wanted to take my grandchild ...

Updated: Sat Jan 21, 2012

When I'm Rich for 01/14/2012

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Editor's Note: The following column was originally published in 2006.

You're probably a lot like me: You would like to see me become fabulously wealthy. You're also pretty sure you'd like to see this happen right away — this afternoon would not be too soon.

As you fantasize about my wealth, you probably think about all the wonderful ways in which I will use that mone ...

Updated: Sat Jan 14, 2012

The Last Cameron Column for 01/07/2012

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Ages and ages ago — like, 1993 — people would purchase a PC, plug it in and then stare in wonder at all the error messages. There wasn't much else to do with the things if you weren't part of the "information economy," though people gave it their best shot.

"Look!" Mom would cry. "I'm typing my recipe cards into the computer!"

"Wow,&q ...

Updated: Sat Jan 07, 2012

My Retrospective on 2011 for 12/31/2011

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

It's a good time to look back on 2011 — much better than it would have been last January, anyway.

2011 was remarkable because it was the first year in the last decade where Britney Spears was not one of the top 10 searches on Yahoo. She fell to 13th, which probably is why California radio preacher Harold Camping predicted the world would end on May 21st. If people have so much ennu ...

Updated: Sat Dec 31, 2011

I Hate My Cell Phone for 12/24/2011

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

My cell phone has a special app that allows me to eject Alec Baldwin from an airplane. I can look up a recipe for bananas flambe or find the nearest fire extinguisher to put the bananas flamb -out. It's a "smart phone," so intelligent that I recently caught it looking for an app to replace me.

We don't get along very well, my phone and I (it has sent me a list ...

Updated: Sat Dec 24, 2011

My Dinner Guest Questionnaire for 12/17/2011

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

My insurance company loves to stick little informational pamphlets in with its bill so I won't notice that I'm writing them a check. The topics usually boil down to how to avoid doing something that might cause you to file a claim which we would then reject because you're supposed to be paying us money not the other way around.

The most recent mailing was a little flier cheerful ...

Updated: Sat Dec 17, 2011

It's the Holidays for 12/10/2011

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

My body believes a famine is imminent and has begun stocking up on provisions. These supplies are being stored around my waistline. I've tried explaining to my stomach that this is entirely unnecessary: I've never once, not even when I was in college and more broke than the EU, done any actual starving. In fact, in college I sometimes took in so many calories (in the form of fermented beverages ...

Updated: Sat Dec 10, 2011

Ice Fishing With My Father: Very Funny for 12/03/2011

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

My dad asks me if I'd like to go ice fishing in his shanty with him. "Why don't we both just crawl into the freezer? It's bigger, warmer, and there are more fish in there," I suggest.

"Very funny," he says to me. This is what my father has said to me after every joke I have ever told him. His lips say it; his face never does.

An ice-fishing shanty is basically ...

Updated: Sat Dec 03, 2011

Without a Dog for 11/26/2011

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

As part of his ongoing home-improvement project, my dog recently chewed the little tassels off the throw pillows on the couch. He was just ripping up the last one when I walked into the living room, and he was so proud to show off his industriousness that he took the pillow and shook it like a rat. "See?" his expression seemed to be saying. "Where would you be without me?"
Updated: Sat Nov 26, 2011

The Current Diet Situation for 11/19/2011

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

I've tried several diets over the past couple of years, not because I need to lose weight but because my pants are trying to cut me in two. I showed these defective pants to my wife, who suggested that perhaps it was an indication that I should drop a few pounds.

"No, it isn't," I explained.

OK, she said. If tight pants aren't convincing enough, what about the fact that ...

Updated: Sat Nov 19, 2011

Sometimes Dinner Really Bugs Me for 11/12/2011

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

You may wonder why insects are causing so much buzz lately. Its because people are eating them — and not just in order to get on Reality Television.

For example, in San Francisco, theres a food truck named Don Bugito that serves such fare as tacos made with fried wax-moth larvae. Look it up if you dont believe me. They also make food out of pallid worms, but I imagine when you ...

Updated: Sat Nov 12, 2011

Dinner With My Niece and Nephew for 11/03/2011

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0700

As an adult, I prefer to sit at the kids' table. The conversation is always more interesting, tending to focus on what food people can, under the right circumstances, shove up their noses. Over at the adults' table, the discussion usually winds up being political, and one person yells at the others that they can take their ideas and shove them somewhere other than their noses.

"I o ...

Updated: Thu Nov 03, 2011

Introducing the New Book for 10/29/2011

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Move over, Kindle: Cameron Industries, a mono-national corporation headed by CEO W. Bruce Cameron (no relation), announced today it will soon be marketing the "next generation" of portable readers. Dubbed the "book," Cameron predicts it will take the world by storm.

As described by Cameron, the book will mark major advances in current reader technology. Among them: < ...

Updated: Sat Oct 29, 2011

Bruce and the Real Girl for 10/22/2011

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

My dog Tucker likes to walk late at night because it is a good way to keep me awake. Apparently the one time I took him for a stroll around midnight represented, to him, a commitment similar to marriage. No matter what I'm doing at 11:00 p.m. (like, for example, sleeping) he'll start to whine and make little yipping barks, gently reminding me that I am his employee.

So a few nights ago, ...

Updated: Sat Oct 22, 2011

High School: I Was There, and I Can Prove It for 10/15/2011

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

I pulled out my old high school yearbook the other day. It's amazing how little I've changed except for my looks.

I don't like looking at my headshot in the yearbook because it appears that I was trying to make a statement about how plaids, stripes and flowers can all go together as long as the colors don't match. (Maybe the statement was, "I can't dress myself.")

More ...

Updated: Sat Oct 15, 2011

My Afternoon Nap for 10/08/2011

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

I believe that every living creature has a purpose, a reason for being, and that mine is to take a nap.

I am descended from warrior-class nappers. My father, for example, has basically been napping since he retired in 1993. He wakes up for lunch and to complain that he has lost the TV remote, then falls asleep in his chair. (We're pretty sure if he stood up he'd find the remote because ...

Updated: Sat Oct 08, 2011

Code Word for Health Care: Stat for 10/01/2011

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Good news for doctors! Under federal mandate, they will no longer be forced to pick from 18,000 numerical claim codes when filing an insurance claim for an office visit. Now, the number of claim codes will be 140,000.

That's a 678 percent increase in codes, which right there should end our unemployment problems in this country — every able-bodied person will be spending all their ...

Updated: Sat Oct 01, 2011