W. Bruce Cameron from Creators Syndicate

It's the Underpants, Stupid for 07/11/2009

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

When it comes to men's underpants, I believe in change.

According to Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, when men's underpants sag, it bodes poorly for the economy.

The Federal Reserve is a quasi-public institution charged with making the public quasi-queasy with scary pronouncements about the economy. It was created in 1913 to provide the nation with a central ...

Updated: Sat Jul 11, 2009

Call Me Mr. Monkey Face for 07/18/2009

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

For as long as I can remember, I've had a face. It may not be enough of a face to get me nominated as one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, but it has always done a good job at holding my nose in place. I've never seen the need to grow another one.

Yet about a month ago, that's exactly what happened: High on my right cheek, just in front of my ear, I began growing what looked like ...

Updated: Sat Jul 18, 2009

The Art of Loving Diana for 07/25/2009

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0700

When I was in third grade, I discovered that boys and girls are different. It's valuable information.

It started with art class, though based on my work maybe it would be more accurately called "smear color on paper" class. The assignment was to use acrylics to create something worth hanging in the hallway, which for me was going to be impossible unless I painted a sign that sa ...

Updated: Sat Jul 25, 2009

The Sound of Bad-Car Karma for 08/01/2009

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I was driving down the highway a few days ago when my car's engine began making an odd, expensive-sounding noise. A small light appeared on my dashboard, illuminating a small symbol that seemed to indicate my transmission had just lost a chicken.

I called my mechanic, Melvin Walletdrainer. "Is the noise like, 'klug-pee, klug-pee, krakatoa klug-pee-pee'?" he wanted to know.

...

Updated: Sat Aug 01, 2009

House Sitting for a Baron for 08/08/2009

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I went over to my daughter's place for a visit, so she left town.

I guess that's not precisely what happened: I was asked to "house sit," as if her home needed supervision to keep it from jumping on the furniture and staying up past its bedtime. It sounds pretty benign, until you consider that inside the house are two cats and two dogs — one of which is a puppy named Baro ...

Updated: Sat Aug 08, 2009

Welcome to My Concussion for 08/15/2009

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

When I look up at the sky, the one thing I don't expect to see is my feet. That's exactly the view I got, though, when a patch of wet, slippery floor caused my legs to go out from underneath me and my head to smack the ground as if I were river dancing upside down.

It was like that scene in "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" where Ethel Merman slips on a banana peel, only I thin ...

Updated: Sat Aug 15, 2009

The Difference between Scottish Cooking and Food for 08/22/2009

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Take the very worst of Scottish cooking, and what do you have?

English cooking.

That is the conclusion of a food historian named Cathryn Brown, whose research indicates that the Scottish dish haggis isn't Scottish at all, but was invented by the English, who apparently hate people.

To define terms: "Haggis" refers to what happens when you take inedible animal part ...

Updated: Sat Aug 22, 2009

Shopping With My Mom for 08/29/2009

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

When people ask me if my parents are still mentally all together, I explain that they retired 15 years ago to northern Michigan "for the weather," so actually they were never mentally all together.

I am visiting them this August: Temperatures have ranged from the high 40s to the high 80s, and we've had hail, rain, tornados, power outages and pirate attacks.

Righ ...

Updated: Sat Aug 29, 2009

A Man of Letters for 09/05/2009

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I wanted to start this column by saying it was "time to check the mailbag," but it's e-mail: It doesn't come in a bag, it comes in a deluge, with over 90 percent of it trying to sell me things to make sure I'm enough of a man for "her." (They often send along a picture of a presumably underserved, and certainly underdressed, woman, but she sure doesn't look like any "he ...

Updated: Sat Sep 05, 2009

National Go-Topless Day Exposed for 09/12/2009

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

There are times when I feel it is my duty to my readers to investigate certain stories even if it involves great personal sacrifice, which is why, this past Aug. 23, I went to a rally hosted by the organizers of National Go-Topless Day.

I'm not sure what I expected from National Go-Topless Day, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what I hoped. When I arrived at the rally, however, I ...

Updated: Sat Sep 12, 2009

Kneeling Economic Indicators for 09/19/2009

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

As I write this column, I have literally been brought to my knees by the customer support department for my "ISP," which stands for "Internet Slow Provider." My computer keeps reporting that the Internet doesn't exist. Yet I know this can't really be true — if it were, someone would have sent me an e-mail about it.

I'm on my knees because I have been instructed ...

Updated: Sat Sep 19, 2009

Gender "Rolls" for 09/26/2009

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The other day, I did something most men would consider impossible: I changed the toilet paper roll.

I know what you're thinking: You're thinking I probably put a fresh roll near the holder, maybe even on the holder, but that there's no way I went against the instructions hard-wired into my XY chromosomes and actually removed the old tube and put in a new one, not unless someone' ...

Updated: Sat Sep 26, 2009

How Not to Lose Weight for 10/03/2009

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

A few weeks ago, Time Magazine ran a cover story that declared that "Exercise won't make you lose weight," which is a real shame because I'd just been thinking that it was time to work out, maybe drop 10-15 pounds that afternoon.

The article was written by John Cloud, who says: a) he's exercised for years, and b) he's never been overweight, therefore, c) working out doesn't do ...

Updated: Sat Oct 03, 2009

Falling for It for 10/10/2009

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

You've probably heard the expression "I've fallen, and I can't get up," which would be a very appropriate Official Motto for my 401(k). It's often heard in old TV commercials, in which an elderly woman summons medical assistance via a transmitter in a necklace medallion that looks a little like something Mr. T would wear.

"I've fallen, and I can't get up, though I am smili ...

Updated: Sat Oct 10, 2009

Trial of the Dog for 10/17/2009

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The following is from the actual court transcripts in the trial of the Dog, accused by his owner (me) of knocking over the garbage can, chewing shoes and an assortment of other misdemeanors.

Judge (me): For these terrible crimes, how do you plead?

Dog: I deny what I did was "terrible," I deny what I did were crimes, and I deny that I did them. Can we go for a walk?

< ...

Updated: Sat Oct 17, 2009

Ready, Set, Go. And Go. And Go. for 10/24/2009

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

When it comes to my gastro-intestinal system, my firm policy is that all traffic should be strictly one-way. I'm therefore more than a little nonplussed when my doctor advises me she'd like to see me get a colonoscopy.

"What kind of person," I demand, "would like to see something like that?"

For those of you fortunate enough not to know what a colonoscopy is, p ...

Updated: Sat Oct 24, 2009

A Probing Look at My Colonoscopy for 10/31/2009

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

As I revealed in my column last week, my primary physician wanted me to have a colonoscopy because she was worried that the way things were going with my health care this year I might not exceed my deductible. She sent me to a specialist: a man who specializes in taking a camera and, well, tailgating people with it.

I did not want to meet this man.

The specialist, Doctor Cattlepro ...

Updated: Sat Oct 31, 2009

Thank You for Flying for 11/07/2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Today, you can fly on one of two types of airlines, depending on whether you'd rather go Chapter 7 or 11.

Before deregulation, air carriers didn't go broke very often, and there were commercial routes to every airport in the world, including a direct flight from New York to a cow field outside of Duluth. Tickets were expensive, though, so the only people who were up in planes were the ty ...

Updated: Sat Nov 07, 2009

The Voice of GPS for 11/14/2009

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Over the years, automobiles have tried many different ways to communicate with us. The screeching voice of a car alarm, for example, means, "I'm lonely, and I want everyone in the neighborhood to wake up." The "check engine" light means, "I hope you have lots of room on your credit card."

And then there's this voice: "Route changed. Recalculating direct ...

Updated: Sat Nov 14, 2009

Food Rules for 11/21/2009

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

When it comes to food, my basic philosophy is that I won't eat anything that eats me first. I do understand, though, that there are many people who have religious or moral restrictions on what they can put in their mouths, and my attitude toward them is, "Please pass your sandwich."

My friend Norma is from Texas, where the motto is "Dinner Tastes Better If You Shoot It.&qu ...

Updated: Sat Nov 21, 2009