creators home
creators.com lifestyle web
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Recently

He's Not Who She Thought Dear Annie: Please help me understand why my husband of 10 years is slowly distancing himself. We used to laugh, go to the movies, go out for dinner and breakfast on Sundays, but now he doesn't want me to touch him. He has no compassion, and there's …Read more. Serial Cheater in Denial Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for six years. A few months after the wedding, I found out he was cheating on me. I saw his cellphone while he was sleeping and noticed the messages and phone calls. He had been meeting girls from dating …Read more. Soliciting Business Contacts Gets Personal Dear Annie: A few years ago, I obtained a quote from a company for a manufacturing service. My business ended up not using them. Two months later, I received an invitation from this company to an open house. I initially thought, "How nice." However, …Read more. Put It in Writing Dear Annie: Before my father died, my husband and I promised him we would bring my mother to live with us after he was gone. Our home situation was perfect, although we needed to make a few renovations so Mom would be comfortable. Dad asked to …Read more.
more articles

Three-Way Friendships Require Reassurance To Combat Hormones

Comment

Dear Annie: I'm 16 years old, and I have two best friends, "Krystina" and "Tayler," who mean the world to me. Lately, Krystina has been full of drama. She often says she feels left out and hurt. But, Annie, we never do anything without including her.

Recently, she's been pulling this whole "you guys never tell me anything until two weeks later" thing. But I usually tell her everything at the same time I tell Tayler. She even knows stuff about me that Tayler doesn't. But she claims that Tayler tells me personal things that she doesn't repeat. That's not true, and Tayler confirmed that the three of us learn everything at the same time. If we miss something, it's because it's so unimportant that we forget.

But I will admit that sometimes I withhold things because I know Krystina will judge me and make me feel bad when I need her support the most. Still, those times are rare, and I always tell her relatively soon. Yet when I say this to her, it's like we have two different versions of reality.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose Krystina's friendship. I feel terrible that she's hurting over this, but I have no idea how to change it. I can't text her every time I dye my hair or buy a hamburger, and neither can Tayler. But then, neither does Krystina. So what do we do? — Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck: Three-way friendships are sometimes hard to navigate, particularly in high school, when hormones are running rampant and emotions are harder to control. Krystina's reality actually is a little different, and we suspect she feels she is competing for your affection. The best you can do is frequently reassure her that you value her friendship, think she's a great person and want to stay close. Try not to exclude her, and address her lack of support with honesty at the time it happens. The rest is up to her.

Dear Annie: I am married to the greatest woman in the world.

Several years ago, while still in my 20s, I discovered I have a heart condition that requires a lot of medications. I will be dealing with it my entire life.

The problem is that lately my libido seems to be almost not there. My wife takes the brunt of my failure in the bedroom and often remarks that I don't find her attractive. But I do. I am more in love with her now than when we married.

We want children, and obviously, this hampers my ability to reproduce. I've been thinking about adoption. With my limitations, how do I make my wife feel as amazing as she is? — Want To Feel Young Again

Dear Want: Please make an appointment to see your doctor, and ask about changing your medications. Sometimes a little tweaking can work wonders. More importantly, take your wife with you so the doctor can explain how certain medications might interfere with your sex life. There is no reason for her to take this so personally. Frank and frequent communication is the best way to handle it, and work on other ways to make your wife feel amazing in the bedroom.

Dear Annie: Like "Undecided Mom," I have boxes of childhood memorabilia for my grown children, who now have children of their own. Instead of continuing to store their stuff, I've been "gifting" them with a year's worth of their childhood at a time.

When my daughter's first baby was born, I gave her everything I'd saved from her own first year. I loved looking through it. When that first grandchild entered 4th grade last fall, he thought it was great to see his mom's old report cards, projects and pictures from when she was his age. We've shared a lot of laughs and memories this way. — Memory Lane Traveler

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM



Comments

41 Comments | Post Comment
LW1 -
You say you don't want to lose Tayler's friendship, but it seems to be it's already been lost in the mail somewhere, because she's not behaving in a very friendly way. In fact, she's managed to highjack every minute of both of your lives so that everything is always about her, even managing to turn her lack of support and judgmental attitude towards you into a source of hurt for HER - her again. Sounds like a perfect little narcissist.

This is not going to change except for the worse. My advice would be to stop catering to her drama. Either she shapes up or ships out and, if the latter, you run better with two legs than with three anyway.

LW2 -
Go back to the doctor and have him adjust your medication. Something in your personal chemical make-up may have altered subtly, making the drugs interract with you differently.

P.S.: Doesn't your wife know that you're a sick man? She needs to be reminded, I think, including the fact that you have to pop a lot of pills every day, and that some of them sometimes have unintended consequences.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 23, 2012 9:17 PM
LW1 - my head hurts just trying to understand your letter, and if Kristin was my "friend", I would be tempted to distance myself just because I can't stand all this me, me, me drama that she is running. You could try asking her for an example of what she's complaining about and tell her it would help you to understand if she gave you some examples. You might find out that she really does see specific incidents totally differently than you do, and you could adjust your behavior to fix the problem. Or you might find out that she's just blowing smoke and creating drama where there isn't any. In either case, you found something important out and can react to actual information, not vague allegations.

LW2 - suggest you & your wife talk to your doctor about this & see if there's a medical fix. It might be unfair, but if my husband wouldn't even try to fix this problem and told me he wanted to invest in the expense & hassle of adopting children because he just didn't feel like having sex with me anymore, I would divorce him. Maybe your lack of libido is unfixable given the meds you need to save your life. But maybe it isn't. You owe it to yourself & your spouse to try. If it's unfixable, your wife needs to hear that from your doctor so she will know it isn't her, and she can decide how she wants to spend the rest of her life.
Comment: #2
Posted by: kai archie
Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:57 PM
* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *

LW3 refers to the second letter on 13 February 2012.



Comment: #3
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:21 AM
LW 2 If you want your wife to know how you feel, you can do a few things in addition to changing meds.
1 Tell her how good she looks. Compliment her often and let her know when she looks hot.
2 Touch her. Hug her and kiss her just because. It doesn't have to lead to sex, just let's her know you still want to be with her.
3 Even if you can't get an erection, you can still show her a good time. Buy a vibrator and do what she likes. You may find that taking care of her gets you going despite medication.
4 Do NOT bring up adoption unless you have been actively trying for a baby for at least 6 months. My hubby had similar worries about his meds causing lower libido and low sperm count and it turns out that it wasn't a problem anyway.
(on a side note, my mom's suggestion was so nasty. She said if we couldn't get pregnant we should use his dad for a sperm donor. EEEWWW!! She said it was what they did in ancient Egypt. I'm glad that we didn't need to resort to that)
Comment: #4
Posted by: MT
Sat Mar 24, 2012 1:58 AM
Re: MT His dad as a sperm donor would allow for similar DNA, and a child that would , perhaps, look like your husband.
You wouldn't have to go near his dad for the donor part.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:17 AM
LW1--"I know Krystina will judge me and make me feel bad when I need her support the most." Then why are you her friend? Ask yourself honestly. Is it out of habit; pity; some sense of pious duty? If you truly value 'Krystina's' friendship, then you need to sit her down one on one and ask her point blank what it is that she wants and expects from you (urge Taylor to have her own heart to heart with Krystina.) Hear her out, then inform her that you're on a low drama diet and that you view both her and 'Taylor' and your bff. Moreover, tell Krystina that her insecurity, constant need for attention and unsubstantiated claims of being left out are putting a strain on the friendship and she needs to knock it off or she just may find she's created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Leave the ball in Krystina's court. If she continues to act out, then perhaps it's time you accepted that the friendship has reached its expiration date and begin distancing yourself from Krystina in earnest.

LW2--"With my limitations, how do I make my wife feel as amazing as she is?" Two words for you my friend: marital aids (or simply, sex toys!!) Get on-line and do some research first, then order up an array of tantalizing delights that will take the pressure off you to "perform" while still allowing you to titillate and drive your awesome wife crazy in the bedroom. Tell your wife that she's so beautiful and you love her so much that you wanted to bring in some heavy artillery. My guess is that once the two of you are caught up in the fun, you'll "rise to attention" and deliver the final act with gusto. But even if not, don't sweat it; the goal is that your wife is satisfied which takes the pressure off you. And also, do take the Annies advice and talk to your doctor about tweaking your meds. Good luck and have fun.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:11 AM
Erratum -
"You say you don't want to lose Tayler's friendship" should read "You say you don't want to lose KRYSTINA'S friendship".
Sorry about that.

Comment: #7
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 7:07 AM
Re: kai archie
Not to mention that criteria of eligibility for adoption are quite tight, and only include couples who are truly infertile, and not some uninterested boob who just doesn't to bother having sex with his wife. He had BETTER be interested in going back to the doctor, otherwise you're right, divorce time.

Amendment to LW2 -
I dunno, man. I suggested the doctor real fast but, after reading kai archie's response and now that I re-read your letter...

"I am married to the greatest woman in the world", "I am more in love with her now than when we married.", "how do I make my wife feel as amazing as she is"... You are so emphatic and dithyrambic about how great she is that it's almost as if you were trying to convince yourself.

"How do I make my wife feel as amazing as she is"? You could start by going to the doctor which woiuld seem like the obvious first option, instead of jumping right through to "adoption", which should be pretty down on the list of solutions, after everything else has been tried. Right now, it's almost as if getting near your "amazing", "greatest" wife was a fate worse than death! I get the feeling that somethint else is going on here.

Indeed the doctor should be Step One. But are you really interested in getting your libido back?
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 7:29 AM
dear memory lane traveler
you are great grandmom. I love your way! and I will do same with you! :)

Comment: #9
Posted by: hyoyoonkoh
Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:05 AM
LW1: Moody, paranoid, different view of reality. This can describe a lot of teens, but it also describes the behavior of someone with bipolar and other mood/mental disorders. Krystina is at the age when such conditions tend to manifest, and they are more common in women than men. Quite common, in fact. You may want to document behaviors that are especially inexplicable or out-of-character and share your concerns with a school counselor, Krystina's parents, or your parents.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Logical
Sat Mar 24, 2012 10:20 AM
Re: Lise Brouillette

Not true Lise, anyone can adopt, single, gay, fertile, infertile, you can have 11 kids and adopt. You keep giving out stupid information and you think you are the maven of advise. An expert in all areas. Your life is such a train wreck, who are you to give any advise? You really do need to get off the Internet, get off welfare, and spend at least a little time getting a real job. Arts and crafts doesn't count or pay the bills, as you well know.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 11:58 AM
Regarding your comments to Lise, I just googled the website Adopting.org to check the facts about the criteria for adoption. What I found was that almost anyone is permitted to adopt, and foreign agencies will gladly place children with single parents. But I also read this:

"For many infant adoptions in the United States, however, agency criteria for applicants are more restrictive. Often agencies will only consider couples married at least 1 to 3 years, between the ages of 25 and 40, and with stable employment income. Some agencies accept applicants who are older than 40. Some agencies require that the couple have no other children and be unable to bear children. Some agencies require that one parent not work outside the home for at least 6 months after the adoption."

So apparently restrictions do exist, and maybe Lise DID know what she was talking about. So much for your snide comments.
Comment: #12
Posted by: JMG
Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:45 PM
Bloom Hilda - you are so right Lise is a complete idiot moron. She will not listen to your advise. She will only read what she wants to and will respond that it does not take that much time to record comments on this page. She is a do nothing, vampire sucking, jerk, that has nothing better to do w/herself. In other words a COMPLETE LOSER!
Comment: #13
Posted by: Marion
Sat Mar 24, 2012 1:19 PM
Re: JMG
Sorry JMG, that is great information if you want to adopt through an agency, more adoptions now are through private attorneys and facilitators, less and less adoptions are now through agencies. Agencies are now mostly controlled through religious organizations which are exclusive. Lise doesn't know what she is talking about. You can be fertile and adopt. easily, just avoid an agency adoption.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 1:39 PM
Re adoption, at least in California: My son and his wife tried for 15 years, every medical procedure around, and all they got for the trouble was one miscarriage. When they started thinking about adoption, they contacted a friend who had contacts in the adoption world, who knew of someone looking for adoptive parents. Their son is now an amazing 10-year old. When he was six, they began looking for a litle sister for him, and found that being over 40 with one child put them at the bottom of the pile at most agencies. Then a friendknew a family with a pregnant teenager looking for adoptive parents, and this girl went into one of the agencies they were on file with, and said "I want these people for my baby!" which made it easy. So I have two great miracle grandbabies who are well loved by our whole family.
Comment: #15
Posted by: partsmom
Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:16 PM
I haven't been posting as I get tired of the Trolls slamming Lise B.

Have not a clue where Bloom Hilda came from, probably crawled out from a rock, but s/he needs to get on a broom, head out elsewhere. She/he never has anything nice to say, just so much negativity.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Gwen
Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:19 PM
Lise, Long time reader, first time writer. I'm just catching up on past letters and I'm up to October 11, 2011. I've always liked your compassion and understanding, but you outdid yourself on that day! Thank you for all of your well-thought out and sensible advice. I always look forward to your replies and second others when they say you should have gone into a career in psychology/therapy!
Comment: #17
Posted by: MomPatty
Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:36 PM
MOMPatty;
If you have been following Lise long enough you will know she doesn't work, is on welfare, moans and groans about her personal problems and spends 24 hours a day on the Internet giving other people advise. She is a complete train wreck, her biggest problem is she is incredibly lazy. She spends all of her time on her fat ass on her computer. She needs to get up, take a bath, and go find a real job. She has some kind of a junk arts and crafts business, what a waste. She will tell you she is an intellect, what she is is a welfare queen.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:46 PM
This is disgraceful behaviour. I have reported the foul posts on this comment board. Please do not further feed the trolls.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:01 PM
@ Lise B.

Tut mir so leid, aber ich bin so der staendigen Streitereien Namen rufen zu dir muede. Ich weiss dass ich kenne Sie nicht nur Dinge, die du uber dich selbst gebucht haben, aber niemand, nicht einmal du, verdient jede dieser schrecklichen Verhalten. Ich liebe dich. Bald werde ich in dem gleichen Kontinent sein, koennen wir in Kontakt bleiben.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Gwen
Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:32 PM
Re: Gwen
Viele Danke, sie will sehr wilkommen sein! Ich auch liebe diech, sie sind eine guten freunden! (Was das alle richtich?)
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:58 PM
Re: Gweni
I have an idea why don't you give Lise your personal e-mail address then you can speak German or Swahilli on your own time, not on a public newsgroup. How rude.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:01 PM
I got de-listed? For sighing.

*sigh*
Comment: #23
Posted by: Jpp
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:06 PM
@MomPatty
Thank you very much, the date where you're at is not one where I was available to comment, as that was in the middle of the festival season for me and I was out of town. I'm glad you enjoy my input. You have a ways to go before you completely catch up, and some interesting troll fests ahead of you. I wish more people like you would comment more often, if only to offset the trolls.

Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:10 PM
@Bloom Hilda
Oh, and YOU are not rude? I guess it's only okay when YOU do it, heh?

Just for the record, translation from German:
Miss Pasko:
I'm so sorry, but I'm so tired of the constant bickering and name-calling towards you. I know that you have posted personal things about yourself, but nobody deserves any of this terrible behaviour. I love you. Soon I will be in the same continent, we can stay in touch.
Lise:
Thank you very much. You will be very welcome. I love you too, you're a good friend! (Hope I said that right?)

And by the way, for all that you think I'm such a terrible person because I'm on welfare now that I'm 60 after I started working at 16, you have absolutely no reason to think that I need a bath. You, however, and your comments, STINK. That must be the foul odour you think is coming from me.

@jpp
I think you just got caught in the middle. It's not the first time you sigh and it never was a problem before!

Comment: #25
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:23 PM
@Bloom Hilda
Oh, and YOU are not rude? I guess it's only okay when YOU do it, heh?

@Jpp
I think you just got caught in the crossfire. It's not the first time you sigh and it was never a problem before!

Comment: #26
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:26 PM
@ Broom Hilda...and all the rest of your ridiculous aliases...

Why don't you go busy yourself with translating these since you're obviously so smart and sophisticated. I couldn't even type that without vomiting a little bit in my mouth...

Unafirwa
Te futueo et caballum tuum
Arschgesicht
Fardu i rassgat
Ngentot lu
Legg mi am Åsch
Pok gai
Je kunt de pot op
Trid terdali zobbi?
Mero gu kha
No sirves para nada
Ga-ree
Yaktatu
Ugogo wakho isfebe
Fire-ai al dracului
Suksi vittuun
Kokahele ia paka
Tistom et a-pe
Menj a fenébe
Con di me mày
Comment: #27
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:48 PM
Isn't it interesting that it's right after I put one troll that was after MikeH in its place, that I'm being subjected to a swarm attack... Luckily I'm not allergic to poison ivy.

Comment: #28
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:58 PM
Re: Lise Brouillette
Unless there are jobs here on the advice columns, you will always be a welfare queen. Get a job, get off the Internet, go to work
you are a mess
Comment: #29
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:08 PM
Abviously Bloom Hilda didn't take her happy pill today. How can you NOT feel sorry for her.
I think she only knows how to make herself feel better unless she slams someone.
Poor her.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Abby Normal
Sat Mar 24, 2012 7:27 PM
I'm 60 years old, I started earning my keep at 16. I paid into the system plenty. I still work 60-80 hours a week depending on the time of the season. Because artisan work doens't bring enough money to do away with my check, that makes me lazy? How does anyone work that one out?
Comment: #31
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:10 PM
Re: Lise Brouillette

Artisan work? How much time each week do you spend on the Internet, vs. looking for a job, vs. arts and crafts?
Just curious
Don't complain about being broke when you goof off all the time. Pontificating on advice columns is not a job.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:48 PM
@MomPatty
Thank you very much. If you're only up to October 11th, you're into the time of year when I'm not available to post because I'm working festivals. I'm glad you enjoy my input, comments like yours sure make up for the hate-Lise fan club, I wish more people like you would bother to post. Keep reading, you sure have some interesting troll fests coming up!
Comment: #33
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:48 PM
Re: Bloom Hilda
I don't need to answer that, as you could figure it out for yourself. I think you have a problem with basic math, along with minimal good faith.

Comment: #34
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:51 PM
LW1
Your friend watches too much television, and thinks all human interaction is full of palaver and strife. Make an agreement to have a drama-free friendship, one marked instead by co-operation and devotion.
```
Comment: #35
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:22 AM
Some adoption agencies require that one parent not work outside the home for 6 months? Holy cow - much better than most biological children get when both parents work. They're lucky if they get to have a parent home for 6 weeks.
Comment: #36
Posted by: C Meier
Tue Mar 27, 2012 6:55 AM
This is not intended to be troll-ish (I have nothing but admiration for the multilingual), but I have heard that it is considered less than courteous to speak another language in front of those who don't understand it (unless there is a compelling reason to do so, of course). The paranoid think you're talking about them, the insecure feel like you are showing off, and the monolingual just feel left out.
Comment: #37
Posted by: KC
Tue Mar 27, 2012 12:59 PM
Re: KC
I provided a translation. And I couldn't possibly be more rude if I tried, than "some" here have been to me.


Comment: #38
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 27, 2012 2:04 PM
Lise:
That is very true -- too many people BTL work overtime picking on you. I always enjoy reading your comments. You and Mike H are my favorites.
Comment: #39
Posted by: KC
Tue Mar 27, 2012 2:56 PM
LW1: For 16 you all sound very immature. Why do you want to be friends with someone who is so high maintenance? You're part of the problem. Stop feeding her delusions and tell her to stop being such a drama queen because she's exhausting to be around.

LW2: You're married to the greatest woman in the world? Wow - LOL. Yeah, she's really great at ignoring the fact that the medications you're taking are effecting your libido. And she's really great at being an immature butthole who probably thinks you should die trying to please her. Yeah, she's great, all right. ROFL - I hope you two don't breed.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Diana
Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:22 PM
Re: KC
Thank you very much. I like Mike H's posts very much also. Well, Gwen was being supportive, and was also providing me with an opportunity to practice German since I specifically asked her on Delphi. Delphi is a great place and hostile trolls are not tolerated because JohanaKathryn is a very good moderator. You should come check us out! (Google Delphi Advice Column Fanatics)

Comment: #41
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Mar 28, 2012 7:45 PM
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
Other similar columns
Amy Alkon
The Advice Goddess
by Amy Alkon
Margo Howard
Dear Margo®
by Margo Howard
Ann Landers
Classic Ann Landers
by Ann Landers
More
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Oct. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
28 29 30 1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31 1
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month