Dear Annie: My son was recently married in a small, private ceremony. For some unknown reason, my mother did not want to attend, but eventually, she and my father decided to show up.
The entire time, my mother acted very rudely toward my son, my in-laws and me. We caught her lying, and she tried to blame my mother-in-law. A few days later, she falsely accused us all of various things.
My mother is spiteful and vindictive. Plus, she is a compulsive liar. Since the wedding, I have kept my distance. However, my father has told other relatives I should not treat my mother this way and should forgive her. Mom has always turned situations like these in her favor. The family will never hear my side of the story because I refuse to play this game.
So how does the truth come out? — Daughter of a Witch
Dear Daughter: We assume other family members are well aware of Mom's personality flaws, and you shouldn't feel you have to defend yourself to them. If they ask about the rift, you can tell them your version of events. It is also possible to forgive your mother while keeping your distance from her emotional abuse, and we recommend it. Frankly, it sounds as if Mom may be suffering from some type of mental illness, and you might encourage her to see a doctor for professional help.
Dear Annie: I have been married to my high-school sweetheart for three years, and we have a beautiful little girl. The "other person" in our relationship is his PlayStation 2.
My husband has played these annoying video games since I met him. He will tie up the TV all evening and doesn't spend any time with his family. I want him to grow up.
We have discussed this problem several times, and he will stop for a while, but then start right back up again. We even purchased a second TV for him to play on, but it doesn't change the amount of time he spends with the baby.
We have planned family nights, but they never happen. How can I get him to stop? — Video Widow
Dear Video Widow: It's time to put your foot down. Video games can be highly addictive, especially the online variety. Explain to your husband that he doesn't seem to have the self-control to turn off the game as promised, so you want him to pick a specific period of time every day when you will unplug it. That will be your family time, and you expect him to honor it. We hope it helps.
Dear Annie: Your advice to "Life's a Beach" was way off base. Every summer, she has to put up with his many relatives visiting. You said she can't do anything if her husband keeps telling the relatives they are welcome, and that she should make her own plans.
Excuse me? She is supposed to leave her own home? I don't think so. It's high time she invoked her homeowner's right to tell these people "no." What gives her husband the right to ignore her wishes and capitulate to these spongers? She'll eventually resent him for it.
Please tell her to contact the relatives herself and tell them tactfully, "Sorry, but no." Someone has to have a backbone here, or ulcers will follow. — CM
Dear CM: And he'll want to know what right she has to prevent him from allowing his family to visit, and will eventually resent her for it. Sometimes, husbands and wives are at odds and neither side is completely right or wrong. Compromise is best, but when that doesn't happen, it is unrealistic to think you can control someone else's behavior. If she cannot tolerate his relatives and he refuses to tell them "no," she should set aside some time for herself, wherever that may be.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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The advice to "Life's a Beach" was spot on. If hubby has to cater to his family on his own without his wife's support he will say No next time without skipping a beat.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Sharon
Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:27 PM
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LW 1--- Not everything is a mental illnees. There are a lot of just plain rotten, evil people. Mentally ill people are generally unaware that their behavior is wrong. Mother would have never been invited to my son's wedding as she would have been out of my life so as not to have my kids subjected to her vile behavior. LW2 --Your spouse has been this way since you met him and yet you married him and had a child with him. Now you complain? Why do women like you marry a man then expect him to change? LW3-- I agree with Sharon and the ladies. Once this cad of a husband has to entertain and deal with his relatives he'll most likely change his mind. Until now Life's A Beach has been doing it all. No wonder hubby doesn't see it as a problem, he gets the fun side of life. LAB needs to make fun plans alone and leave lazy hubby and freeloading relatives to deal without her.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Cathy
Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:28 PM
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Life's a Beach could empty the fridge and pantry, lock up the valuables and go on a trip. Charge the trip to hubby
Comment: #3
Posted by: sarah
Fri Mar 19, 2010 11:04 PM
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Why is it OK for one wife to tell her husband he can't play video games but not OK for another wife to stop her husband from inviting unwanted guests in her own home? why the double standard?
Comment: #4
Posted by: cindy
Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:07 AM
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Cindy - The video game question is entirely different from the visiting relatives question. Video player is clearly addicted and his marriage is suffering EVERY DAY because of it. He isn't going to stop completely, but the Annies think that setting a schedule and then enforcing it will help. Who knows? He's an addict and she married him anyway. Husband wanting relatives to visit - I'm assuming not every day - fails to consider the work it creates for his wife. I agree with the responders who say she should make it clear she doesn't intend to play the cook and maid but let him do it. The only thing both problems have in common is that there's no compromise in sight. Doesn't sound like love to me.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Mar 20, 2010 7:53 AM
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Playing video games is only an addiction in rare instances.. for the rest of us it's a hobby. I understand that the wife wants him to spend more time with the family, but trying to force him to eliminate his hobby is not constructive, and viewing his enjoyment of it as a need to "grow up" probably just makes him feel like she is antagonizing him. If his hobby was reading, even if he was spending vastly inordinant amounts of time on it, people wouldn't be so quick to say that he's "obviously" addicted to it. Video games and being involved with your family aren't mutually exclusive. I know families who all play together, and couples who either play together. Some people do not enjoy gaming, the wife in this situation is probably one of them. But if you don't set yourself in opposition to your significant other's hobby, it's much easier for both people to balance the two.
It's too late for my main piece of advice, which is don't involve yourself with people who's hobbies you can't stand, and don't think that you can build a relationship and them eliminate unwanted parts of that person later.
But functionally, what can be done now?
-She can agree to try to understand that its a hobby, not a character flaw, he can agree to make sure he devotes some quality time to his daughter every day.
- If there is some other problem in his life that is causing him to want to take refuge in his hobby more than usual, he can address it.
- Sometimes she could talk to him/sit with him while he plays if he's not uber focused on something. (before you say this is unrealistic, my husband and I do this, whoever isn't playing watches and we carry on a conversation.. we just halt conversation if we need to focuse on something) That could make them both feel more connected.. of course he can't expect thier entire relationship to be carried out while he plays.
- If he is not playing anything too violent or too disturbing to a young child, he can interact with the daughter while he plays. If she's really little, he can hold her and talk to her while he plays, just the sort of pleasant narrative that babies enjoy. If she's older, he can let her watch the game and tell her what he's doing as he plays. But mom be forewarned, this may lead to a video game playing daughter.
My basis for this advice? I'm a gamer, I've been married for five years.. my husband games as well but we're not always into the same things. I know plenty of people who play video games and have good marraiges/relationships. As with all things, its about moderation and balance.
Comment: #6
Posted by: sybilvein
Sat Mar 20, 2010 1:01 PM
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Playing video games is only an addiction in rare instances.. for the rest of us it's a hobby. I understand that the wife wants him to spend more time with the family, but trying to force him to eliminate his hobby is not constructive, and viewing his enjoyment of it as a need to "grow up" probably just makes him feel like she is antagonizing him. If his hobby was reading, even if he was spending vastly inordinant amounts of time on it, people wouldn't be so quick to say that he's "obviously" addicted to it. Video games and being involved with your family aren't mutually exclusive. I know families who all play together, and couples who either play together. Some people do not enjoy gaming, the wife in this situation is probably one of them. But if you don't set yourself in opposition to your significant other's hobby, it's much easier for both people to balance the two.
It's too late for my main piece of advice, which is don't involve yourself with people who's hobbies you can't stand, and don't think that you can build a relationship and them eliminate unwanted parts of that person later.
But functionally, what can be done now?
-She can agree to try to understand that its a hobby, not a character flaw, he can agree to make sure he devotes some quality time to his daughter every day.
- If there is some other problem in his life that is causing him to want to take refuge in his hobby more than usual, he can address it.
- Sometimes she could talk to him/sit with him while he plays if he's not uber focused on something. (before you say this is unrealistic, my husband and I do this, whoever isn't playing watches and we carry on a conversation.. we just halt conversation if we need to focuse on something) That could make them both feel more connected.. of course he can't expect thier entire relationship to be carried out while he plays.
- If he is not playing anything too violent or too disturbing to a young child, he can interact with the daughter while he plays. If she's really little, he can hold her and talk to her while he plays, just the sort of pleasant narrative that babies enjoy. If she's older, he can let her watch the game and tell her what he's doing as he plays. But mom be forewarned, this may lead to a video game playing daughter.
My basis for this advice? I'm a gamer, I've been married for five years.. my husband games as well but we're not always into the same things. I know plenty of people who play video games and have good marraiges/relationships. As with all things, its about moderation and balance.
Comment: #7
Posted by: sybilvein
Sat Mar 20, 2010 1:04 PM
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Cathy is right about LW1. I'm the product of people who smiled as they issued nasty, critical, cutting remarks. They knew what they were doing, and enjoyed it. My therapist has helped me identify one of them as a sociopath and encouraged me to continue cutting a wide berth from them by way of no contact. It's no coincidence that the longer I've kept my distance the more I've found peace in my life.
Even if Mom in this instance does have a mental illness, that is no reason or excuse to coddle her vindictive behavior. Sometimes it takes consequences such as not coming around when Mom has been a witch for someone like that to eventually either fall on their behinds or make a connection, realize the problem's with them, and then reach out for help.
Comment: #8
Posted by: PS
Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:30 PM
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Re: sybilvein Addiction/hobby; doesn't matter. He's blowing off his family and harming the family dynamic and that's not good. Now, the wife also knew this when she married him and as others have stated she chose to marry and have a kid anyway. She most likely thought that she could change him. Oops. That didn't work. Never does. She can put her foot down all she wants and he'll just resent it and pull back even farther. She has some choices to make. Live with his "hobby" or not.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Rick
Mon Mar 22, 2010 7:42 AM
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