Dear Annie: I have been married for seven years and have two children from a previous relationship.
Some time ago, my husband was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While we were dating, he showed no sign of mood swings or disturbing behavior, but it has surfaced since we began living together with my children.
Most parents would be happy for their children to take out the trash, wash their own dishes and clean their rooms and bathrooms, which is what my children do. My husband, however, blows his lid when the new trash bag isn't tied properly to the trashcan or, heaven forbid, someone doesn't properly close the dishwasher door or there are a few drops of water left on the sink after they wash their hands.
He doesn't like socializing and has alienated us from many friends and family members because nobody wants to be around him. He is paranoid and always wants the blinds closed and the doors shut.
His mood goes up and down on a daily basis, and therefore, so does mine. I have told him I don't think his behavior is healthy or normal, but he says I'm too sensitive. I'm an emotional wreck and feel like giving up. How do I know whether this really is PTSD or something else? What should I do? — Stressed Out
Dear Stressed: It actually doesn't matter what the reason is. Your husband's behavior is over the top, and he needs to get it under control. Having PTSD, bipolar disorder, anger management issues or any other problem is not carte blanche to treat others poorly. You are suffering, and more importantly, so are your children. Your husband could benefit from counseling, and you should urge him to get it. You also can find excellent information through the VA National Center for PTSD (ptsd.va.gov).
Dear Annie: My mother-in-law works for the Board of Elections. She is constantly looking up personal information about people and passing it on. I know this because she tried to hand me a local TV reporter's home address so I could drive by and see his big house.
She has looked up information on my husband's ex-girlfriend and most recently told me she looked up a candidate's voting history and gave it to another candidate's team.
Isn't it against the law to be looking up, let alone passing out, this personal information? Couldn't she get fired? — Not a Gossip Monger
Dear Not a Gossip: Most complaints of misconduct center on abuses that may affect the outcome of the election. Every state is different, and what your mother-in-law did was nosy and unkind, but it may not have been against the law or a violation of the rules set down by her local Board of Elections. Addresses and voting history are public knowledge. Had she given out a Social Security or driver's license number, that would be a different story.
Dear Annie: Like "Bad Daughter-in-Law," my husband and I were essentially the "Bank of Connecticut" for my sister and her family. I cannot possibly tell you how much money we gave them for one emergency after another. Because we were able to help, we did — and did, and did. Never once was it appreciated or even beneficial, because it was mostly laziness and spontaneous spending that got them into financial trouble. Our so-called loans just ended up buying them more time.
Our marriage did not survive the disagreements over this, even though we still loved each other. The guilt I felt because my sister and her husband were not "getting ahead" made me a very angry person — angry with myself.
No one owes relatives who refuse to work for what they need. This writer and her husband should get on the same page and shut down the candy shop. They must give their relatives the opportunity to do for themselves. If they fall on their faces, they will learn on their own how to get back up. — Brookfield, Conn.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Annie's mailbox: This is a request for an article titled: Put Some Clothes On. I was wondering if you can email it as I would like to share it w/my young girls group
Mom
Comment: #1
Posted by: mary faletti
Sun Mar 7, 2010 6:27 AM
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LW2: Your MIL sounds pretty crass. I think what she is doing is inexcusable. A cousin of mine used to work for the phone company, and bragged that he could get anyone's unlisted number. He was a jerk, and everyone distrusted him accordingly.
While your MIL may be staying within the bounds of the law, what she is doing is unethical and immoral, as well as unneighborly and potentially dangerous. We know that the United States is not a private society anymore -- every piece of data about us can be bought; every phone call, email and computer is traceable; and at airports the "security" scans now look right into our bones, etc. -- but we maintain the polite fiction that we have privacy by moderating our behavior toward others. For instance, on an airplane, we sit an inch from another traveler, but keep our eyes to ourselves. In a job where the workers have access to personal information, discretion is, or should be, one of the hiring criteria. I have a job where serious legal problems come across my desk, and sometimes involve people of my acquaintance. But I wouldn't dream of letting on to them or others that I knew anything about their lives that they did not tell me first.
I hope you've told your MIL that apparently she is not to be trusted, and that you will never confide a thing in her. I don't care what her excuse is, or if she's lonely and pitiable and looking for attention -- I would shun her like the gossip that she is.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Claude
Sun Mar 7, 2010 6:50 AM
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Re: mary faletti: here is a link to "Annie's Mailbbox" Aug. 12, 2009 column "Put some clothes on":
http://www.omaha.com/article/20090812/LIVING/708129890/0/AP0410
Here are also some replies (from Oct. 31, 2009): http://www.craigdailypress.com/news/2009/oct/31/annies_mailbox_brotherlaw_wife_abuse_parents_kindn
And another from Oct. 29: http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/horoscopes/annies-mailbox/annie-s-mailbox-r-2009-10-29.html
BTW, if you ever want to look for a previous letter to Annie's Mailbox, go to Google.com, put "Annie's Mailbox" in quotes, leave a space, then another set of quotes with the letter writer's sign-off inside. For example, to find the original letter you were asking for, I entered into Google.com:
"Annie's Mailbox" "Put some clothes on" The quotes will search for exact phrases. Sometimes you have to scroll through the results a bit, but usually it works & you can look up the original letter plus subsequent replies. Hope this helps!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Joanne
Sun Mar 7, 2010 8:11 AM
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LW1 - PTSD is not a joke. It is a serious, mental disorder. At times it can seem under control but it's always there and it impacts nearly every aspect of life. I am married to a combat disabled Marine with PTSD. We have been together for 12 years, married for 9 and raising his children from a previous marriage. One thing I did not see in your letter was that your husband was in counseling. Counseling and medication can not 'cure' PTSD, but depending on your symptoms they certainly can help take the edge off. If he is not in counseling then he needs to be. He might not need to be in counseling all the time but he needs to have that relationship available for when he needs it. Same with a doctor who has experience with PTSD and medication. If he refuses counseling.. GET OUT and get your family safe. No compromises.. No "but I love him's".. untreated PTSD can be a time bomb. You say you are already on edge with his current behavior, it will only get worse. "Get Counseling or Get Out". oh and btw.. any alcohol or drug abuse?.. needs to stop. Most people will try to 'self medicate' their problems away any increase in these behaviors is a sure sign that he needs professional help.
You also need to find a counselor. Someone who can help you find the balance between when you really are being too sensitive and when he is over the top and needs help again. And to help you deal with the stress that having PTSD in the family.
Your husband will probably never be 'normal'. Many times people meet my husband and would never know he has a problem. But we have been through some really rough times. Over the years we have established certain guidelines and one of them is that he doesn't question me when I say it's time to go back and check with the doctor. He may fuss and fume over it, but he goes.. and generally thanks me for it afterwards. As hard as it is for you it's just as hard for him. He may not want to admit that he has a problem. But inside he knows he's not 'normal' and it bothers him. Good luck.
Comment: #4
Posted by: araminta
Sun Mar 7, 2010 11:28 AM
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Mary, Claude, Joanne, Araminta--brilliant, caring answers.
Comment: #5
Posted by: BB
Sun Mar 7, 2010 11:49 AM
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I don't know if my husband has PTSD from Viet Nam or he is the way he is because of an alcoholic family (he rarely drinks) or both. Maybe he has some other mental problem, but moods can change in moments. But I have learned to ignore his antisocialism and go places alone or with just the kids. Don't allow him to isolate you. I use sheers because he wants curtains closed so "people cant see in" and refuse to keep heavy drapes closed during the day, as he has the thing about keeping windows and doors closed, too. I say shutting out sunlight wastes electricity, depresses me, or just plain keep them open. I have lived on a roller coaster for 30 years. He insists he is "normal" and I have a serious problem. Fortunately, he has worked odd shifts and night shifts much of the child rearing years, so the kind of stuff Stressed mentioned with the kids was a lot less. Plus it was always "my fault" when the kids didn't do things right, I wasn't a "good enough mother" or it was my job to do "everything." Odd thing is, outside of the privacy of home, he is Mr. Nice Guy. He won't go on vacations either, but tells people it's me.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Mar 8, 2010 10:49 AM
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My husband did this for his ungrateful sons and ex-wife for years. they had been divorced for 30 years and when we sold the house we lived in for 20 years, she thought she should be given half of the profit. There was no agreement for this, he had bought her a home of her own when they divorced. She was such a witch no one ever dated her so when we got engaged I think she just went carzy even though it was 10 years later. I felt that we were so lucky (I was not involved in the divorce) and we had so much that we should help her, we bought her a car, paid her mortgage payments but it was never enough for her. Because my husband was successful and had his sons working for him, he gave and gave and gave and they never grew up. They cheated, they stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from him and his business, and nothing was ever enough. When he sold the business he gave them each a hugh amount, the oldest one rejected us the day he blew the last of his money in the stock market without telling his wife, the middle has never paid a bill, forced us to take care of him (trust me, I know) and the youngest is a do nothing and two of them are alcoholics. They are firmly convinced that he owes them, right down to his last ounce of blood. Now none of them speak to us, and although it is sad, it sure does cut down on the drama. My quiet revenge will be that whomever is not speaking to him when he dies, will not be acknowledged in his obit. I will finally have a way to protect him from their hatred and greed, I only wish I could do it now.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Sarah
Mon Apr 26, 2010 1:18 PM
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