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Annie's Mailbox®, March 4
Dear Annie: My husband has never had a close relationship with his mother. He spent most of his childhood years with his grandparents, who gave him a terrific life. His mom, although still fairly young, lives alone and has few friends.
I often remind my husband to call his mother to see how she's doing, but he does this only occasionally. She lives barely an hour away, yet we go months without seeing her. Although she and I are polar opposites and have had some disagreements, we care deeply for each other.
I have grandparents nearby whom I help take care of and parents I'm very close to. Is it my responsibility to take care of my mother-in-law even though my husband doesn't seem to care? Should I leave my husband alone about trying to maintain regular contact with her? — Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty: Please continue to stay in touch with your mother-in-law and check up on her now and then, and encourage your husband to do the same. He obviously does not feel a close bond, but he can certainly develop greater affection if he gives it some time and effort. Since he doesn't know how to have a better relationship with her, we hope you will teach him. It could be very rewarding for all of you.
Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have had ups and downs just like any good marriage. Our oldest is leaving for the Army soon, and we have three other children.
For the past three years, our relationship has steadily deteriorated. Our sex life is almost nonexistent, and our social life is, too. My wife is angry and says hurtful things so often that I have become immune to her words. We have gone for counseling in the past, and to be honest, it made matters worse.
Her lack of affection has pushed me to the edge, and I am fed up with it all. I don't want a divorce, but it seems to be the only alternative left. I dread coming home every night from work. What should I do? — I Am Done in Ohio
Dear Ohio: Has your wife had a complete physical checkup? Aside from the obvious likelihood that some of this is the result of menopause, there could be other medical issues that are interfering with her emotional stability. Call the doctor in advance and alert him or her to the problem. Then get counseling on your own so you can develop some coping skills before you give up entirely.
Dear Annie: "Just Wondering in Southern California" was concerned about her sister-in law's use of bleach around her children. I thought some of your advice was great (especially the point about never mixing bleach and ammonia). I work on behalf of Clorox and wanted to clarify a few points.
Bleach actually isn't harmful to the environment when it is used as directed in everyday consumer and commercial tasks such as laundry or in disinfecting surfaces around the home, schools and hospitals. During normal household use and disposal, bleach breaks down primarily into salt and water.
Research shows that bleach is better than vinegar and hydrogen peroxide when it comes to killing the most organisms, including viruses. This is why disinfecting bleach is the primary choice in institutional and health care settings.
The reader's sister-in-law should also be reminded that bleach should always be used as directed and always stored out of reach of children. — Laura Jacobs, On Behalf of Clorox
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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27 Comments | Post Comment
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Re: Feeling Guilty... yuck. What a yucky question and yucky answer. It's not a wife's job to endlessly nag her husband to try to make him get close to a mother who was never there for him. It's not a husband's job to put up with such manipulative nagging. If "guilty" wants a relationship with the mother, she can have one. Otherwise she should stop being such a busybody and butt out.
Re: I am Done, I have to say, the question is, why are you staying with that venal, hostile, self-indulgent, witch of a woman. You said it yourself: You dread going home. Your wife is angry, hostile, and insulting. Counseling didn't help.
So maybe she's "depressed." The label of "depression" has become an excuse for the most nasty and self indulgent behavior, which the rest of us are supposed to sympathize with and try to be more "supportive." 'This is B.S. Depression is NOT an excuse for her nastiness. She has a choice about how she acts.
So maybe she has menopause. Again, that's no excuse. Putting up with her endless hostility and angry ways are not doing you or her any good. You're in a co-dependant mess, not a relationship. You don't need skills to "cope" with the hostility your wife is throwing at you. You need to stop coping and get out and try to make a new life for yourself. There is still time. But you are getting older, so do it now. It will likely be the best thing for her too, as she'll have to face squarely what her abusive behavior is leading to.
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Mar 4, 2010 12:06 AM
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Re: Feeling Guilty... yuck. What a yucky question and yucky answer. It's not a wife's job to endlessly nag her husband to try to make him get close to a mother who was never there for him. It's not a husband's job to put up with such manipulative nagging. If "guilty" wants a relationship with the mother, she can have one. Otherwise she should stop being such a busybody and butt out.
Re: I am Done, I have to say, the question is, why are you staying with that venal, hostile, self-indulgent, witch of a woman. You said it yourself: You dread going home. Your wife is angry, hostile, and insulting. Counseling didn't help.
So maybe she's "depressed." The label of "depression" has become an excuse for the most nasty and self indulgent behavior, which the rest of us are supposed to sympathize with and try to be more "supportive." 'This is B.S. Depression is NOT an excuse for her nastiness. She has a choice about how she acts.
So maybe she has menopause. Again, that's no excuse. Putting up with her endless hostility and angry ways are not doing you or her any good. You're in a co-dependant mess, not a relationship. You don't need skills to "cope" with the hostility your wife is throwing at you. You need to stop coping and get out and try to make a new life for yourself. There is still time. But you are getting older, so do it now. It will likely be the best thing for her too, as she'll have to face squarely what her abusive behavior is leading to.
Comment: #2
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Mar 4, 2010 12:06 AM
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I think the wife should stop trying to get her hsuband to see his Mom. My son in law had an ok upbringing in that he had a home, a bike, vacations and also brothers and sisters, mostly foster kids who they adopted so his mom could feel loved by having extra kids around. The first time i met her, within minutes she told me that her son was special because even though she had been raped by her boyfriend of the moment, that she decided to keep him. This was in front of her son who had jsut started dating my daughter. Now, after being married for almost 6 years and being the best son and father to my granddaughter that anyone could have, he has made the decision not not have a relationship with his family. It is simply his choice so perhaps his wie can accept that soem people don't come from close families like she was lucky enough to have and leave him alone He probably gets the same feeling she does from being around her family, so let him be.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Marie
Thu Mar 4, 2010 2:22 AM
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"Yuck' is right. Sometimes this column is so girly that even I can't stand it. The husband clearly isn't interested in a closer relationship with the mother who had very little relationship with him, but the wife and the Annies have to worry about how he can "develop greater affection if he gives it time and effort." Sheesh. Instead of two Annies, why don't they have an Ann and a Dan? A man's point of view would be refreshing.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Thu Mar 4, 2010 4:14 AM
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The wife in letter #1 does need to back off. The advice given was poor. He was never close to her, the grandparents basically raised him. He doesn't want a close relationship with her.He doesn't need to be reminded to call her. People who were not raised in this type of household can't understand this. He reaches out to his mother when he does merely out of respect, not necessarily out of love. Wife should leave him be on this issue.
Letter #2...I see that the advice for a medical checkup is again given. Yawn. What happened 3 years ago to change her? how did counseling make it worse? Does she have a job outside the home? Are you helping at home? Take a good hard look at what her life is like through her eyes and try to understand what is bothering her. And definitely go for counseling on your own.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Val
Thu Mar 4, 2010 4:27 AM
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Re: sarah morrow
Hormones (or lack thereof) can affect someone's mood drastically. The nastiness may not be controllable. The wife should get a hormone panel, including thyroid panel. Over the course of about a year my dad turned into a mean-spirited, perfectionist man who barked orders, not at all the laid back sweet dad I grew up with. He had thyroid cancer, and it was messing with his hormones. Now that his hormones are regulated, I have my dad back.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Nicole
Thu Mar 4, 2010 5:07 AM
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Re: Feeling Guilty
HECK NO! Don't pressure the poor guy any more! Hey, sometimes is just DOESN'T work out that children and parents are close. This can be related to any number of facts from a simple lack of common ground to the more extreme abusive situations where there simply cannot be a relationship. It ISN'T your business if he doesn't want to have contact--just support that he doesn't. You want to do the call at Christmas and Easter? Fine--but don't pressure the situation. If my own experience is any indication, the poor fellow is plagued with people with "good intentions" or "Christian" folk who are determined to make him be close to his mother.
Comment: #7
Posted by: justme
Thu Mar 4, 2010 5:31 AM
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LW1: Whatever reason he has for dciding not to have a relationship with his mother does not need to be justified by you. I hate it when people who were lucky to have the "Leave It To Beaver" childhood insist that bad childhoods never happen and that everyone needs to get along. No, they don't. I am estranged from my own mother and my husband, thankfully, is very supportive. You are his wife and you need to be supportive too. You probably don't have a clue just what he went through.
LW2: Your wife is an evil witch. Just because she has issues doesn't mean she is not responsible and that you have to sit there and take it. Life is too short to be so miserable.
LW3: Bleach should not be used to such an excess unless the kids are already sick with some autoimmune disease. She is committing a travesty in which she does not let her kids become exposed to things o they can become immune to them. Every little thing will make them ill because their immune systems were not given practice. In institutions, sanitation is important because people are already frail and sick but if it's a typical household with healthy people, it's overkill.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Thu Mar 4, 2010 5:44 AM
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I thought it was pretty presumptuous for Annie to assume that LW2's wife is menopausal. Nowhere in the letter did he state their ages...only that they had been married for 20 years. If they had married at 18 or 20, they could be as young as their late 30s or early 40s, which is AWFULLY young for menopause.
Having been through a similar situation in my late 20s, it's more likely that the culprit is depression of some sort.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Allison
Thu Mar 4, 2010 5:53 AM
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I would hate to be LW1s husband and being guilt tripped by my life partner to have a relationship and be prepared to 'take care' of a woman who didn't take care of me growing up. Obviously, something happened between the husband and his mom where he just doesn't feel a lot of affection for her. Maybe there was some abse or perhaps she just decided she didn't want to be a mother - either scenario has to come with a lot of hurt to work through. Shouldn't someone who loves him allow him to let go? If LW1 wants a relationship with this woman, she should go ahead and have it. Leave her hubby out of it.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Datura
Thu Mar 4, 2010 6:03 AM
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The Annies were right about the man and the abusive wife. I had a patient who was a great guy and slowly went down hill. He was mean and even quit his great job to sit and do nothing. FINALLY he had an EYE appointment and that let to finding a baseball tumor in his head. He went to the Cleveland Clinic and thankfully it was removed, without any problems and he is the sweet kind man again. Hormones will make you go over the edge even in your late 30's or early 40's BELIEVE ME! THAT is NOT too young for peri menopause OR menopause! A check up is a great idea. He loves her and cares about her. He wants his wife back. Not for us to judge why.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Clare
Thu Mar 4, 2010 6:22 AM
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Having the wife"s hormones, especially, thyroid checked is an excellent idea. Not all counseling is created equal. If she is willing to go again she may benefit from anger management.
Comment: #12
Posted by: pam greene
Thu Mar 4, 2010 6:33 AM
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Re: Feeling Guilty- This is some of the worst advice I have ever read in this column. Usually, I agree with Annie but not on this. Why nag your husband into having a relationship he clearly does not want? There is a reason he was raised by his Grandmother! People are free to choose with whom they have relationships with and this includes family. Many times, it is unhealthy to reamain in relationships with family members that are or were unsupportive in the present or past... it's HIS choice not yours. By all means, go ahead and have your own relationship with this woman, but I hope you will lay off this poor guy! Geez!
Comment: #13
Posted by: mhippler
Thu Mar 4, 2010 6:44 AM
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Glad that all we commenters seem to be on the same page! What an obnoxious, unrealistic, vile response to LW1. This grown man isn't interested in a relationship with the biodonor who gave birth to him. His grandparents were his caregivers, and he clearly sees no value in a relationship with this woman - related by blood but not love. The wife needs to mind her own bloody business and quite pushing her insipid "values" on her husband; I can say the same about the Annies. Just because people share DNA doesn't mean they will or need to have any type of relationship. Have some respect for this man and his decision. Gee, how difficult is that?
Comment: #14
Posted by: SA McCrary
Thu Mar 4, 2010 6:47 AM
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To LW1: Please, butt out. Your husband and his mother are adults and if they wanted something better between the two of them, they would both choose to have it.
I'm surprised you don't see the obvious in your own letter: Your husband's grandparents more or less raised him, and, his mother lives alone and has few friends. It's clear that for whatever reason she has a hard time connecting with people. Did it occur to you that perhaps your husband HAS tried becoming closer to his mother but she pushed him away too much and he decided to just cut his losses?
The relationship between your husband and his mother is not your responsiblity to fix. Have whatever relationship YOU want with her but stop nagging your husband, it will only lead to him resenting you.
To the Annies: Shame on you for not picking up on the undertones of the letter, and shame on you for encouraging the LW to push something so codependent and controlling. I'm starting to wonder if a man's perspective might not help here too.
Comment: #15
Posted by: PS
Thu Mar 4, 2010 7:05 AM
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LW1 - Agree with all the previous posters: this is stupid, ignorant, and controlling advice. DNA does not a family make. The wife should butt out. She is free to keep the relationships with her MIL as she wishes, but she must lay off her husband. LW2 - A medical check up is not a bad idea. Changes in hormonal balances, tumors, etc. - all possible culprits in the change of personality, but none are detectable without a medical check up. LW3 - Let's just entertain this idea: If I said I worked for Philip Morris and wanted to clarify some points about smoking, specifically, that smoking is not very harmful if you don't overdo it, and that studies show that not everybody who smokes gets lung cancer, and some people who get lung cancer have never smoked or hung around smokers, would you take my word for it that it's time to stock up on some Marlboros? Yep, a person working for Clorox has the same credibility when extolling the virtues of bleach. I am anti-bleach at all. I use it in laundry, and I use bathroom, kitchen, and toilet cleaners that contain bleach, including the Clorox brand. But come on, if I work for a company, I am not going to say its products may be possibly harmful to people and the environment. If I believed they were, it would be my moral and ethical responsibility to quit my job. If I said it, I might be fired no matter what I believe.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Mar 4, 2010 8:14 AM
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Lw#1's mother-in-law lives alone and has few friends--maybe because she doesn't have the skills to make any or maybe because she doesn't ever get a break in the friend department--or, maybe she is cold and uncaring woman whose child had to live with his grandparents in order to have a decent life. I suspect the second since she was able to inform her prospective daughter-in-law, in front of her son, that he was "special" because he was the child of rape and she decided to keep him. I had a student whose mother told me the same thing in front of him, but she didn't use the word "special" and added that she saw her hated rapist's face whenever she looked at him. And how abortion or adoption was not an option in her community when the rape happened. I don't think he felt loved, either.
Comment: #17
Posted by: BB
Thu Mar 4, 2010 8:16 AM
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MY PROBLEM IS WITH MY DAUGHTERS NEW MOTHER IN LAW. SHE HAS SAID SOME VERY NASTY THINGS TO ME & ABOUT ME. BEFORE THE WEDDDING, SIX MONTHS AGO, SHE INFORMED ME THAT MY DAUGHTER WAS EMBARRESED BY ME & DID NOT WANT ME AT THE WEDDING. SHE TOLD ME THAT MY DAUGHTER HATED ME & WANTED ME DEAD. I LET THIS ALL GO, BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS NOT TRUE. IT HURT & I MUST ADMIT THAT I COULDN'T FORGET THESE COMMENTS ON HER WEDDING DAY. WE SHARED EXPENSES 50/50, AND I FOUND OUT LATER THAT SHE HAD TOLD EVERYONE THAT I PAID NOTHING. I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT SHE TOLD GUESTS AT THE RECEPTION THAT I WAS NOT THE "REAL" MOTHER & I WAS ONLY STEPPING IN BECAUSE HER REAL MOTHER COULDN'T MAKE IT. NOT TRUE, OF COURSE. NO SHE IS NOT CRAZY, JUST VERY MEAN. I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO MY DAUGHTER & SON-IN-LAW, BECAUSE THEY WERE NEWLYWEDS. BUT, IT IS STILL HAPPENING. I DON'T SEE HER EXCEPT AT FAMILY EVENTS. HOWEVER, I AM LEARNING SECOND HAND THAT SHE IS BAD MOUTHING ME ABOUT THE WEDDING I HAVE TRIED TALKING TO HER & E-MAILING HER, BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK. I HAVE KEPT THE E-MAILS (JUST IN CASE I NEED THEM) MY QUESTION IS, SHOULD I TELL MY DAUGHTER & HER NEW HUSBAND ABOUT ALL THIS IF IT DOESN'T STOP. WE ALL LIVE VERY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, & I REALLY DON'T WANT TO CAUSE PROBLEMS. CONFUSED MOM
Comment: #18
Posted by: Carol
Thu Mar 4, 2010 9:32 AM
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BLEACH, chlorine bleach, should NEVER be used full strength. The safe use of Clorox and similar products requires diluting it considerably -- for instance, to wipe surfaces, use only ONE TABLESPOON mixed in a whole gallon of water -- that's right, only 1 Tablespoon. For disinfecting the bathroom it's half a cup (or a little more) to a gallon of water.
Annie could have specified that. I'm suspicious that the Clorox spokesperson did not give exact measurements - "use as directed" is vague. Maybe they hope we will over-use the product and have to buy more.
VINEGAR is still my disinfectant of choice -- mix white vinegar and water in equal proportions, and wipe down or spray surfaces. There's far less lingering odor too, compared with bleach.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Claude
Thu Mar 4, 2010 10:05 AM
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LW1 I wonder how often this mother reaches out to her son. Why does Feeling Guilty expect the husband to maintain contact with his mother if the mother will not do the same? If he wanted a relationship with her he would have one already. Maybe the mother maintains a relationship with the wife because Feeling Guilty does things that benefit her. Why is she taking care of her at all? She stated that the mother is fairly young and LW doesn't mention any disabilities. I suspect mother only cares deeply for what Feeling Guilty can do for her.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Cathy
Thu Mar 4, 2010 10:17 AM
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WRONG WRONG WRONG answer to LW 1 . I too was a butt-in-ski who forced my hubby to embrace his estranged mother. What hubris, what folly! I son found out why he avoided her like the plaque, she IS the plaque. Stay away and respect your husband's wishes!
Comment: #21
Posted by: Blenie
Thu Mar 4, 2010 10:22 AM
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Carol: this isn't the advice asking format - this is for comments. So I'll comment on your problem since the Annies probably won't see it. If you lie down like a doormat, people will walk on you. Everytime this woman makes nasty remarks to you and you "let it go" you're giving her permission to do more. Next time go straight to the source. She says your daughter hates you? Take her with you to your daughter and ask for clarification in front of the MIL. What are you so afraid of?
Comment: #22
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Thu Mar 4, 2010 12:05 PM
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His Church in Wichita Falls, Texas. We would like your comment concerning this study. http://hischurchinwf.org A time line study: From sin to salvayion; of end time events, and the end of time. Since A.D. 1967; A.S. (After Sin) 5936, that generation shall not die off before the return of our Lord, Jesus Emanuel, Almighty God, 27 March, A.D. 2036, 1 Nissan, A.S. 6005. Matthew 24: 15; Mark 13: 20, 21, the destrution of Jerusalem in A.D. 70; A.S. 4039; Luke 21: 24, and Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the time of the Gentiles is fulfilled; Psalm 90: 10, The days of our years are 70; and if by reason of strength they be 80 years, yet is thiers violence, labor, and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Bill Sharon
Thu Mar 4, 2010 2:06 PM
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LS2-What pathetic advice. Okay. This is what I never get with these two (and most advice columnists actually); the guy clearly states that, "sex life is almost nonexistent, and our social life is, too. My wife is angry and says hurtful things ...We have gone for counseling ... it made matters worse. Her lack of affection has pushed me to the edge." What in hell makes anyone think this woman is going to get physical because her husband, who she clearly hates, suggests it???? Call the doctor in advnace? In advance of the appointment this witch is never going to keep? Don't think so. Develop scoping skills because that's what victims should just do. Don't think so. The letter writer should leave her. He should take the kids and go start a new life. I have a pretty good hunch your 3 children at home aren't real happy either.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Rick
Thu Mar 4, 2010 3:40 PM
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LW2 - But why is the wife angry? And in what way did counseling "make matters worse?" It is possible that the wife's anger is justified, even if she is not doing a good job dealing with it. Mostly what we know about the husband is that he's unhappy because they're not having sex (and because his wife is angry). We don't know what he's doing/not doing that contributes to her anger. I'm not saying he is to blame; just raising the question.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Van Wickle
Thu Mar 4, 2010 5:34 PM
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LW1: I agree with the other comments here that the lw should not be nagging her husband to keep in contact with his mom. There is some sad history there since the husband's grandparents were the ones to raise him. Let him make his own decision about his relationship with his mom. Only he knows the full story of his youth. Also, the ability to make contact is two sided. Mom could call him and ask how he's doing just as easily as he can call her. Does SHE (the mom) put forth that effort? I wonder how much of this lw's reason for wanting her husband to have a relationship with his mom has to do with how it could model her own children's future relationship with her. After all, if dad doesn't have to have anything to do with HIS mom when he's an adult, why should they have to continue to have a relationship with THEIR mom when they grow up?
Comment: #26
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Thu Mar 4, 2010 5:36 PM
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Re: Pat-tricia__ I agree with you on most points re: LW1, but I don't think maintaining relationships is as easy as simply following a model of relationships you grew up with. If the LW raises her children well, if she is an involved caring parent, her children will WANT to have a relationship with her and their dad's relationship with their grandmother won't matter. If LW's children grow up feeling that Mom is a person they can go to with troubles or joys, for advice or simply to cry on her shoulder or to brag, the fact that their father couldn't do that with Grammy won't matter. My mother had a fantastic relationship with her mother, but she and I are distant. Why? Well, I am in a similar position to LW's husband: until the age of 8, I lived with my grandparents, who raised me and cared for me. I then moved in with my parents, who really didn't care much. I went to school on my own, came home to an empty house, did my chores, did my homework, read books, went outside to play with friends, etc. - all alone. My mom had her own life, spending all her non-work time with her friends, often not getting home until after 8 or 9PM. There were multiple times when I'd go to bed in an empty house as well. My dad traveled a lot for business, and when he was home, he preferred to read the newspaper to talking to his family. My parents weren't technically abusive: they never hit me; I never went hungry, never missed a doctor's appointment, always had nice clothes, toys, and books. But I didn't grow up in a loving family either. I never formed a bond with my mother like she had formed with hers. Her modeling a good mother-daughter relationship did nothing for ours. We are not hostile, we talk every week, and we visit a couple of times a year, but that's about it. Looking back, I see how this distance started almost 40 years ago, and I am doing my best to have a very different relationship with my own children. I hope to have a good relationship with them when they grow up too, and although I cannot guarantee it of course, I don't think my own relationship with my mother will play a significant role in their lives.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Mar 5, 2010 8:08 AM
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