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Annie's Mailbox®, March 1
Dear Annie: I am 26, and my sister is 18 months older. We have never gotten along well, but recently, there has been a huge rift.
My sister and her boyfriend own a nice house, and she drives a new car. I am recently divorced and am struggling to raise three children on my own. Our wealthy parents have been helping me out a great deal. They purchased a "beater" car for me and are paying the insurance. They also have been giving me money for groceries and some basic bills. Still, we're barely getting by.
My sister is enraged that our parents have been giving money to me for necessities, but not to her. Our parents have explained that she makes more than double what I do and has no children to support, but their words fall on deaf ears. Even though we've never been close, I love my sister dearly and want to have a better relationship with her, and would like my children to get to know their distant aunt. I also don't want to be the cause of her deteriorating relationship with our parents. What can I do? — Little Sister
Dear Little Sister: We'll try to explain this from your sister's point of view. To her, it seems Mom and Dad love you more and she is being punished for having a successful life. It isn't entirely about the money. It's about favoritism and fairness, with some jealousy and sibling rivalry thrown in. You need to acknowledge her feelings (without defending your situation), and ask what you can do to make it more equitable. Perhaps your parents could set aside a similar sum in case Sis ever requires assistance. Maybe they could change their will to reflect a more accurate final accounting. It doesn't matter what solution you arrive at, but you and your parents need to let your sister know you understand.
Dear Annie: My sister's son is getting married out of state. We are not particularly close to my nephew, but I told my sister we would come.
When my husband figured out that it will cost us nearly $1,000 to attend (and we are on a fixed income), he said it is a waste of time and money and the wedding will happen whether we're there or not. He prefers that we send a nice gift and our regrets. He didn't want to go to begin with. My husband is a very unsociable person and has never given my family the time of day.
This sister is my only living relative, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by not attending. What is a reasonable solution? — Not Sure in California
Dear California: The reasonable solution is to go by yourself if you can manage it. You can celebrate with your sister while your husband avoids your family and spends less money. We are in favor of attending family functions, especially when they are infrequent and the family is small. But if going alone is not feasible and you cannot convince your husband to attend, you will have to call your sister and explain that although you love her, coming to the wedding is simply not in your budget.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Might As Well Be Single," whose husband, "Ted," quits every job he gets because he wants a position that pays more money.
Someone needs to tell Ted that you don't get a high-paying job just because you want one. You get it because you earn it. — Torrance, Calif.
Dear Torrance: You said it. For people who don't actually want to work, any excuse will do.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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23 Comments | Post Comment
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Re: Annie's answer to LW1 -- Wow! Just Wow! What the heck is wrong with that stupid sister? If she has an entitlement problem -- that's her problem. You ladies need to hang it up right now if you can't see that this selfish sister doesn't deserve diddly.
Comment: #1
Posted by: osoozzq
Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:05 PM
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Re: Annie's answer to LW1 -- Wow! Just Wow! What the heck is wrong with that stupid sister? If she has an entitlement problem -- that's her problem. You ladies need to hang it up right now if you can't see that this selfish sister doesn't deserve diddly.
Comment: #2
Posted by: osoozzq
Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:06 PM
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LW1 - I wonder what else is going on in this LW's situation. She is 26, has 3 kids, and is divorced. That is a whole lot of baggage to accumulate by such a young age. I wonder if the older Sis is enraged not because of the money, but because the parents keep bailing out the loser younger Sis, who keeps making bad choices and not learning from the consequences. If it is, indeed, sibling rivalry, shame on the older Sis for begrudging the younger one a little help from the parents during a difficult time. If the LW is hiding some crucial details, however, shame on her for making poor choices and expecting others to pay for them.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Ariana
Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:18 PM
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What is it with ungrateful children who feel as though they are somehow entitled to their parent's money? While it's awfully sweet of LW1's folks to bail her out, they're not obligated to do so. Much less are they obligated to ensure their better off daughter gets an equal sum. If I were in a similar situation, I would have to inform my children that I earned every cent of my money and kept it by making sound decisions and sacrifices where necessary. Children need to fall on their butts in life so that they can learn from mistakes. If parents keep swooping in and bailing them out at every hardship they'll keep making the same mistakes because they know they have a safety net. These parents should treat themselves to a marvelous Hawaiian vacation and worry less about their daughters financial situations.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Mon Mar 1, 2010 4:34 AM
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LW1- My mother has been supporting my sister and her bad choices for over 20 years. When I was in a bad spot she helped out my family too. That's what she does. Older sis needs to get over it. It's her parents money and her parents decision. She doesn't have the right to try to control her parents. She does have the right to express her opinion, once. After that she's just being a harridan. I will never understand the idea that only 'equal' is fair or that someone is somehow 'entitled' to money they did not earn just because their parents did.
Comment: #5
Posted by: araminta
Mon Mar 1, 2010 4:45 AM
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LW1 - The parents can spend their money on anything they wish to spend it on. It is more important that their grandchildren have food and transportation than their eldest daughter have her feelings stroked. My parents have given a lot of money to support my elder divorced sister, but she needed the help. I do not begrudge it.
On the other hand, I have resented the support they gave my younger sister while she went to college, since I was given non. Now, even though she has a lot more earning potential than I do, they moved near her and babysit frequently. There may be a reasonable feeling of favoritism if the pattern has been a life-long one.
Comment: #6
Posted by: jennifer
Mon Mar 1, 2010 5:03 AM
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Before everyone jumps on the successful sister, maybe there is a pattern where the parents are like this all the time. In my in-law family, there is a relative that had 4 kids by 3 different men, first one at as a teen. The only thing that stopped her from having more was getting and STD and having to have a hysterectomy. She begs for money all the time and was even given a house downpayment pillaged from her grandmother's nest egg while granny was laid up with a stroke to get a house. Not even long later, she is married again, seems to have no plans to repay the money and doesn't even live in the house. But when a sibling needs some help on some very rare occasion, they get lectured. The difference between the two is one has kids, the other doesn't.
Some people in families get a get out of jail free card financially and otherwise because they had the kids they can't even afford to take care of. In a way, it does seem like the irresponsible ones do get rewarded while the wiser ones have to stand on their own.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Mon Mar 1, 2010 6:03 AM
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Re Little Sister
I totally disagree that the older sisters feelings should be validated! The parents have the right to do what they wish with their money without justifying their choices! Would the older sister also feel that if the parents chose to take a cruise, that she she should receive an equal amount of money? After all she might see it as her parents are spending part of what she feels should be her inheritance!
The parents might mildly point out that should the situation have been reversed, it would have been her being helped out, not her younger sister. What a spoiled brat!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Michele
Mon Mar 1, 2010 6:04 AM
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To Ariana, Comment #8: You call LW1 on making these "bad choices": (1) having kids, (2) divorcing. You don't know who got the divorce, or why, or how much the ex-husband is contributing to child support (from the looks of it, not much). I don't understand why you are so quick to blame the person who quite likely is the victim here. I got married, had one child, divorced. My parents helped me when my ex played the system to provide only bare minimum child support. Even so, I felt guilty about taking my parents' help. When I explored that years later with a therapist, her response was, "But that's what parents do." My son is now 46 and has been unemployed for more than a year. He is okay for now, but I stand ready to offer him any help he should ever need. My parents (now deceased) would expect no less from me.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Ellen
Mon Mar 1, 2010 6:37 AM
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LW2 - Do you really have to write in to a columnist to be told to go to the wedding by yourself? DUH!
Comment: #10
Posted by: Barbara B.
Mon Mar 1, 2010 7:24 AM
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I think everyone needs to stop judging both of these sisters here. FIrst of all, it'snot anyone's place to say what the younger sisters life was like. I myself am 26 years old, pregnant with my third son....all have the same father whom I am thankful to be happily married to. We don't know what her situation was like or why she divorced so why jump to conclusions. Also, who is to judge the older sister from feeling slighted by her parents. I have also been in her spot my whole life. Although I was very young when my first son was born, I continued college with the help of PELL grants and hard work and now have a masters degree. I worked full time through my entire schooling process (my husband was in school too and has a BA degree)...I worked my butt off to put it short! Meanwhile, my tow older siblings who also had kids young (and did go to college too) constantly get money from my parents just because they chose lower paying careers and choose to live outside their means.I go without a lot of the luxuries they have if I can't pay for them upfront, but they deserve help because they've wracked up so much debt that they can't pay their bills. The thing that keeps me from being bitter though is that my parents are ready and willing to say in front of any one of us how proud they are that I and my husband have never asked them for money. Perhaps a little acknowledgement to how hard both sister work would be enough to fix the resentment.
Comment: #11
Posted by: heatherrknight@yahoo.com
Mon Mar 1, 2010 7:54 AM
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Re: Chris
I agree. I have too many friends who keep babying their grown children, some of these children are in their 50s now and can't succeed because they are always being bailed out of every situation by their parents (or one parent). What if the parents need money sometime in the future for unforeseen emergencies? Who will bail them out?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Linda Cameron
Mon Mar 1, 2010 8:35 AM
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I agree that it's the parents' money to do with what they wish, but I also understand what it's like to watch a younger sibling get all the help. When my husband and I were struggling, we watched my in-laws pay for his younger sister's apartment and car while attending college, so that she wouldn't have to work. (She partied.) He put himself through college with very little help from them and always had a job. After she made a disastrous first marriage, she had to move back in with them and they helped her raise her child. We were rolling pennies to pay rent, and we heard that his mother had paid two months back rent for her and her worthless husband. Well, now, if his parents need help, I figure she owes them, not us. When his brother asked if we could contribute a monthly amount so that his parents could continue to live their country-club lifestyle (golf everyday), my husband told him, truthfully, that we couldn't afford it.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Mon Mar 1, 2010 8:52 AM
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Ellen, if your son is still "okay for now" after a year of unemployment, it indicates that he was responsible enough to save some money and/or is willing to take whatever work is available and live within his means. I'd say he deserves your help if it becomes necessary.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Carla
Mon Mar 1, 2010 9:45 AM
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LW1 Divorced with 3 kids and "making bad choices." Gee, we don't know any other circumstances and plenty of women are married and started a family by 26. I'm sure she wasn't planning a divorce when having the kids. We don't know why the divorce but my guess is there is little or no spousal or child support here and she was either a stay-at home-mom or just working parttime before the divorce. It takes time in that situation to get on your feet. You don't go from homemaker to good job overnight, no matter what your education and pre-baby experience. Helping adult kids who fall to get back on their feet, that is what parents do. (Not to be confused with enabling chronic bad choices.) Same with helping elderly parents who need help, that is what loving adult kids do. We don't do it because of money, we do it because we are family, because of love. If divorced sister is doing everything she can to become self-sufficient, and parents are merely helping her and the kids survive, older sister needs grow up. Maybe she would rather pay more taxes for the government to support them instead? As to leaving the money maybe a will should be written designating personal and sentimental items, set aside trust funds for education of all current and FUTURE grandchildren (for when sister marries boyfriend) and leave the rest to the charities of their choice. I suspect there are other factors, like parents paid for a nice wedding a few years ago, or they disapprove of older sis living with the boyfriend, or even just childhood rivalry that never got settled.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Mar 1, 2010 12:14 PM
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I cannot believe your response to Little Sister. I come from a family where some siblings have made "not the best of choices," but there are children involved. My response to older Sis would be to categorically GROW UP!! One of the first lessons life teaches us is that life is not always fair. This is the time for the older sister to simply understand.
Why is it that money is the cause of so much disagreement?
Comment: #16
Posted by: D. Fergusson
Mon Mar 1, 2010 1:18 PM
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You guys are great. Thanks for doing what you do. I am writing about "little sister" who wants a better relationship with her selfish sister and does not want to damage their parents relationship with 'big sis.' Will adjustments and
setting aside like sums of money for the older sibling will only makesyne elder sister think she's correct and has a right to be upset because her loving and wealthy parents choose to help her younger sister in her time of need. Shame on big sis for not being more supportive. For little sis to empathize with her older sister would be thoughtful and provide a better understanding of not how to treat family, what's needed most here is the opposite. If anger and jealousy is all big sis can feel in this scenario then the more appropriate suggestion for "little sister" would be to focus on putting herself in a position to be less dependent on their parents income and to be grateful for the limited knowledge her children have of 'aunt me and only me."
Comment: #17
Posted by: Mississippi gentleman
Mon Mar 1, 2010 8:43 PM
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In response to Little Sister. Does little sister always need extra help or is it just this one time? Nearly every family has this issue. Parents try to raise their children to be independent and it never fails some don't quite make it. They don't finish school, they spend money on unnecessary things before paying the light bill. To the independent child who has followed the rules and does what is expected this constant enabling is tiresome. And to top it all off the responsible sibling is expected to keep it up for the parents when they are gone and pass this dysfunctional behavior on to the next generation. This is not about jealousy or favoritism but it is about fairness. Fairness being, be responsible and if you want it earn it. As far as the parent's money it is their's and they can do as they wish. Just don't pass the problem on.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Faye
Tue Mar 2, 2010 7:22 AM
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We don't know anything about LIttle Sister's situation other than what she wrote so don't assume anything about her behavior or why she's divorced and has accepted her parents generosity. Her parents can do whatever they want with THEIR money. To suggest some type of payoff for big sis when they kick to shut her whining up is ridiculous. Big sister sounds selfish and has an entitlement mentality. We are not owed anything from our parents as adults and the fact that these parents are helping one of their own shows compassion and love. You can tell from little sister's tone that she dances to big sis' tune, she says she has never been close with her well but loves her and wishes they had a better relationship. That's admirable but she'll never make her happy so she needs to have a clear conscious.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Anne
Tue Mar 2, 2010 2:42 PM
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LW1 needs to grow up. She's in a rough spot... maybe self-inflicted, maybe not... but although her divorce is "recent" I don't think her finances are the reason for her poor relationship with her sister. Notice that LW1 has nothing to say about her sister, except that she makes a good living and has some nice material goods. She doesn't describe the good relationship they used to have. Yes, she wants her children to get to know their "distant" aunt. Distant? Really? Then this isn't just a sudden tiff or a case of sibling rivalry. Most likely LW1 didn't reach out to her sister when times are good, and is the kind of person who only calls when she wants something. Now that times are tough, the handouts from Mom and Dad aren't cutting it so she wants her kids to get to know Auntie Meal Ticket. Chances are the relationship she's got with her sister is exactly the one she helped create. But if the parents are bending over backward to help LW1 and not spending time with the sister, or if they're not as wealthy as they appear to be and are taking from the elder sister on order to help the younger one, or if they refused to help the older sister in her time of need but are catering to the younger, the older sister is within her rights to be upset.
Comment: #20
Posted by: R.A.
Tue Mar 2, 2010 4:54 PM
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It only leads to unhappiness if you count every nickel that goes to siblings.
When my sister divorced and needed a place to live, my parents helped her. I didn't say, "where's mine?" When my other sister divorced and needed help, I didn't say, "where's my share?" and when my brother helped my parents, my sister's didn't say, "what about us?". My mother apologized to me because she felt that I was getting the short end of the stick. I told her I'm not counting and I was glad she could help my siblings and that my brother was there for her and my Dad. It turned out that it was just a timing/investments/fines type of issue and not a true lack of funds. I dropped the subject and didn't mention it again. Then when my husband and I needed help, they were there for us.
Then my parents came through for my husband and I big-time. Our neighbor was potentially violent and threatening us, and we found a house in another neighborhood that we could fix up, but only if we paid cash. My parents gave us the cash and we did pay them back (later than we had intended) but one of my sister's counted every nickel and every minute until we paid my parents back. That relationship is now strained. But my sister won't change and I won't make it an issue. That is the way things go sometimes.
When it is truly unfair and one sided, that is sad. But it doesn't seem that anything helps in those situations anyway. But I don't get it, when one sister needs to put food on the table and heat a house, and the other has her necessities covered.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Chelle
Tue Nov 30, 2010 11:20 AM
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I've been where angry more successful sis is now. except I wasn't that successful. I was barely making it on my own, while my younger sister who didn't even get through junior high had four children and needed more help than anyone had to give. I resented my sister for sucking up all the resources my family had for herself and her endless children. I definitely felt like I was being punished for not having messed up my life and that she was being rewarded for messing hers up big time.
Years went by. Family dynamics changed. I have a different perspective on what my sister had to endure for all that grudging "help" she got, which was mostly not enough, a week late, and with mind games on top. I wouldn't have traded places with her ever. I got the better deal. I managed to take care of myself without help. I understand that my sister is still paying in many ways for all that "help" she got. My mother still talks about her like she's a screw up, and can't seem to see how hard she works and how she's pulled herself out of the many hardships she lived through. At least some of the reason for her condition back then was my mother's neglect of her when she was young and needed a lot more parenting than she got. My mother was more interested in dating married men back then.
I've grown up and my sister has too. I respect her for how she's dealt with a bad hand. My sister understands that I didn't have it all great and wonderful just because my life went differently. Her children are grown and they all love her very much and appreciate everything she did for them. My sister was determined to be a better mother than the one she had, and she did it against all odds. I don't have children. You can guess why.
Our mother just is who she is. We treat her with kindness, and chose long ago that we'd rather have a mother and a family than indulge our anger over the past. I hope that LW1 and her sister are able to get past their current feelings and understand each other better in time. It isn't as simple as one successful and one screw-up. I can tell that from everything she wrote. I wish them well.
Comment: #22
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Fri Jun 3, 2011 1:14 AM
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Maybe there is a reason the parents help "little sister",,,she might be the one that has always been there for her parents. In my case I am the little sister, my big sister is very wealthy (not that she ever worked a day in her life) had NOTHING to do with my parents, was never there for them and has always been very jealous because she was never blessed in the looks department. I have never been anything but nice to her and took her verbal and physical abuse. She would complain to my parents and they would ask her "Dont you have enough"? Well nothing is enough for greedy people that think only of themselves and not what they do to others. My mom and dad never wanted to be around her because of her behavior. My older brother has always been VERY verbally and physically abusive to my parents till they gave him money. They supported him is entire life and he always was bailed out of trouble all the time. When it was time to help with my ill mother neither one was to be found, same with my dad, until my sister used her money to get financial power over him, now she is making his life miserable. I got treated better by my parents because I was the ONE that was always there for them. Jealous, bitter, greedy people like my sister and brother get what they deserve !
Comment: #23
Posted by: heather
Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:56 PM
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